Where I Belong

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Summary: Just because you think you’re lost…it doesn’t mean you are.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr/Kevin Harvick, Dale Jr POV
COMPANION PIECE TO: I Know
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #43 (#18 for me) - Narcissus
COMPLETED: May 19, 2007
WORD COUNT: 1,794
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: After seeing the press conference where June announced he was leaving DEI, twice, I couldn’t get this image out of my head. This is the companion piece to I Know. I hope you like this image as much as I do.
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Post Press Conference at JRMotorsports - May 10th, 2007

All I want to do is go home.

I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to give another interview no matter how good a friend the reporter might be.  I don’t want advice, I’ve had more than my share, and I’m already tired of the rumors.  I can’t even pass time on the internet without someone trying to message or email.  I just want to be left alone. 

Is that really too much to ask for?

I could barely even eat lunch, only picking through my sandwich as I did Lars a favor and gave him an exclusive print interview.  I know it’s his job, and I don’t blame him or any of them for doing it.  The favors go both ways.  DW was nice enough to fly in from Tennessee to lend support and even give me a hug that he couldn’t know how much I needed…of course I repaid him with a FOX exclusive.

I hear my cell phone ring from the passenger seat next to me and I reach for it, disengaging the call without even looking.  I’ve taken enough calls for the day.  Whoever’s calling is just going to have to get over it.  I just hope it wasn’t Kelley, I think as I turn off the phone and toss it back in the seat.  She’ll never let me live it down.

It’s not a long drive back home from the new shop, but part of me still misses having it on my own property.  I like being close to home.  I like feeling safe behind my own borders.  Were it not for racing I don’t even know how much I’d leave home anymore.  Maybe I want to hide.  Or maybe I’m getting old…I just don’t know.  Either way, I can’t help but sigh in relief as I pull thought the gates of my own private oasis. 

“Dirty Mo Acres.” 

Home.

I can feel a familiar sense of ease wash through me as my hand slides over the steering wheel and I smile as I drive down the small private road to my house.  Here I don’t have to worry about what the world thinks.  Here I don’t have to worry about people calling me a narcissist or spoiled brat for wanting control of my Daddy’s company.  They don’t understand.  It was never about power or a long lost birthright.  It was about wanting to be me, about wanting the freedom to be my own man without the shackles of an overbearing step mother who’s always resented me…even though I never told a soul.

Shake my head as I pass my dirt track and shop, all of it for the moment melting away again as I drive up to the house and think over the last six years.  So much I did wrong, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.  Finally park the truck and just sit in the driveway, leaning back in my seat as my hands run over the wheel.

I was always in the way, even as I child I could see that.  Teresa and my dad had their own life when Kelley and I were sent to them, and it was obvious she wasn’t ready to be a mother to Dad’s “other” children.  But somehow, through nannies and military school, we made it through…and I hardly even knew my dad.  So many times I wondered if they would be happier if I’d just disappeared somewhere along the line.  But then I got older, got lucky, and finally found a connection with my dad.

I think she resented me even more then.

But she couldn’t tell Daddy what to do.  No one could.  If they had maybe he’d still….  Shake my head slowly.  No, no point in playing the “what if” game.  He’s gone, we’re here, and it’s time to stop wishing and hoping for things that can’t happen.  We lost Daddy, and I was left to step into shoes that I could never fill…and I know she hated me for it.

Tilt my head back and stare up at my house and wonder…would she have preferred it if I’d just fallen to pieces?  I tried so hard to be strong for all of us, to deflect the media glare from her and the rest.  Would it have been better if I’d crumbled and stepped out of the way?  I didn’t want the spot light.  I didn’t want to grow up and be the Earnhardt.  I just wanted my Daddy back.  I just wanted to be me…and I still do.

But I couldn’t, and some where along the line I accepted that my world was no longer my own.  I let her take control of the company, and me, until it was all spinning so far out of control.  I let them run me ragged, all for the good of the company--the legacy--and barely voiced a complaint.  But then I woke up one day and I finally realized I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I’d lost myself along the way and become nothing more than a puppet with her pulling the strings…and I had to get out.

Climb out of the truck and slowly make my way to the door, emptiness filling me as I know I’ll finally be alone…but is that what I really want?  I want my freedom.  I want to be my own man, but now that all this has happened…I’m terrified.  Head to the kitchen and grab a beer, opening it and taking a drink from the long neck all in one motion.

I’m scared, so fucking scared.  People, Jeff even, tell me I can write my own ticket, that anything and everything I want is in the palm of my hand.  But how can that be?  I’m just another driver without a Championship.  It’s just my name people are obsessed with.  But a name doesn’t win races.  What happens when they realize…will they still want me?  What happens when they see the fucking media circus that dogs my every move?  Will I still be on the sport’s most wanted list when they realize all the baggage that comes with me?

Rub my eyes and finally make my way to the back door feeling more alone then I have in my life.  I’m so tired of being a name, so tired of all the pressure.  I had to say goodbye to over 400 people today that I know will never understand my decision.  To them I’m a quitter…someone who walked away for reasons they’ll never understand.  I’m sure some think it was for the money, or over power, or just to spite Teresa.  But it’s not.  Can’t anyone see I just want to be my own man?  Even my sister, supportive as she is, can’t completely understand.  She’s too busy trying to take care of me for me to lean on her more.  Open the back door and walk out on to the porch.  Why can’t anyone--

I freeze and before I know it a slow smile crosses my face.  I should have known.  I should have realized I’d never be completely alone.

Walk across the porch and slowly drop down in the chair beside him, instantly reaching out over the cooler between us as he does the same.  Fingers intertwine without a word, and for the first time all day…I feel safe.  Reassuring squeeze of my hand and I look to meet understanding green eyes that I swear can see straight into my soul.  How does he always know?

We sit in silence, drinking the beer he brought out for us until long after the sun sets and the crickets start their night time song.  The moonlight glistens over the large pool beneath us and I couldn’t imagine a more perfect setting.  The night is so clear and the stars are so bright.  He doesn’t say a word, and I know that for him…that’s not an easy feat.  But somehow, he always knows what I need.

“How did you know?” I finally ask him softly, my voice sounding too loud in the soft perfection of the night.

“I know you,” he tells me simply and I feel his words wind their way into my heart.  He does know me.  More than I bet he even realizes.

He knows when I need his sarcasm and teasing grin to pull me from my frustrations.  I can’t even count the times he’s egged me on just to give me the chance to unload when I need to.  That I understand.  What still amazes me is when he just knows when I need the silence. 

Kelley always wants me to talk.  The boys always want me to party and “just chill.”  To others I’m supposed to be strong or wild or who the hell knows what.  But to him…he just lets me be me.

I look over at him, studying his profile for a moment before he finally turns his emerald gaze my way.  His features seem so soft in the moonlight, and the flecks of gold in his eyes mirror the reflections of the stars on the water below us.  But that’s not what takes my breath away. 

There’s so much he could ask me right now, so many things I know he wants to know.  Will I join him at RCR, become his teammate as well as his lover?  Will I go out on my own or defect to Hendrick?  So much of it affects us both, but still…he doesn’t push.  He knows I don’t have the answers yet.  He knows that what I need is…this.  Us.  The silence of the night and his unwavering devotion.  I wonder, does he know how much I really do love him?

I lean closer, and just like he always does he meets me halfway, lips softly brushing over mine.  I can be myself with him, Junior uncensored, and I revel in that as I taste the traces of Budweiser on his tongue.  He yields to me, just as I give into him and I finally know, really know, everything is going to be alright.

I’ll find myself.  I’ll become the man I always wanted to be.  I’ll sort through all the chaos and hype and at the end of the day I’ll find what feels right.

And I won’t be alone.

“Kevin…” I whisper softly, trying to convey all the feelings in my heart I’ve never been able to put into words.

“I know,” he breathes softly against my lips.  “I love you, too.”

He does.  He knows.  And for the first time in my life so do I. 

I know where I belong.

And I’ll never lose my way again.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com