Unresolved

Home : Stories by Catw00man : The Unforgotten Series : Unresolved

Summary: Jeff is forced to resolve issues from a past relationship.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: NC-17
SERIES: The Unforgotten Series
CHARACTER: Jeff Gordon/Tony Stewart, Jeff Gordon/Jimmie Johnson, Jeff POV
CATEGORY: Angst
COMPLETED: September 14, 2004; Revised slightly May 25, 2005
WORD COUNT: 7,146
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To my sweetie Heather who asked so sweetly for this fic. I hope it’s what you were looking for hon.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ah yes, I know this is so not my usual thing. But if anything it was a heck of a challenge, and I’m not one to back down from one of those. Angst abounds in this one, and this is not the prettiest of fics.
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He was the last person I thought I’d see that night. I honestly never thought I’d see him that way again. I remember sitting there on the couch with Jimmie while the rain pounded on the window of the coach. The track officials kept us there all day trying to get the race in for nothing. So we had to stay the night at the track, waiting to race the next day.

I was sitting there with Jimmie’s head in my lap just listening to the rain and running my fingers through his hair. We were both tired from the day full of getting in and out of the cars and endless interviews that neither one of us really wanted to do much more than enjoy each other. I was actually half asleep when I heard the soft knock on the door.

At first I thought I was hearing things until the soft knock came again. I slowly got up, easing Jimmie’s head onto the couch when I realized he had fallen asleep. Then I walked over to the door wondering how late it was and who would be coming over in this downpour. I open the door and was shocked to see him standing there shivering in the rain….

“Tony, what the hell? Come in,” I say as I grab his arm pulling him in out of the rain. “Tony, what happened.”

He doesn’t say a word. He just looks at me with those lost dark brown eyes and I feel my heart breaking. I was hoping I would never see him this way again. I sure as hell never thought he’d come to me again. Especially since I have him now.

Crap. Jimmie.

I look over to see he’s still sleeping on the couch. I bite my lip inadvertently not sure of what to do. There’s no way in the world I can turn Tony away. I’ve never been able to. But what do I do about Jimmie?

I hear a soft voice behind me say, “Maybe I should go. Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“No,” I say sharply and wince as I see him jump. “No,” I say in a softer voice putting my hand on his arm. “Stay, really, I want you to stay.” His dark brown eyes look up to meet mine and I see that they are full of uncertainty. I meet his eyes with mine and hold his gaze until he finally sees the sincerity of my words reflected there.

“Stay here,” I tell him firmly as I walk down the hall to get a few towels from the bathroom and a blanket from my room. I walk back up the hall to see him still standing there shivering. I hand him the towels and he starts to dry off. Once he’s a little less wet, I wrap the blanket around him and steer him into the kitchen and to one of the chairs.

“You want something to drink?” I ask him.

I watch as he doesn’t take his eyes off his hands on the table as he replies, “Anything warm,” in a soft voice. How long was he in the rain I have to wonder, and what on earth sent him there?

I search through the cabinets looking for something to make and finally come across some hot chocolate mix. As I pull it out and try to remember why I have it, I freeze when I realize it’s Jimmie’s. I close my eyes as a wash of emotions hit me, and take a deep breath. I look over at Tony sitting there so small and lost to the world and I just have pray to God Jimmie will forgive me for this.

I grab the mix and a mug and get to work making the drink and putting it in the microwave. My mind is a whirl of thoughts and my heart is aching with too many emotions I don’t even know how to describe. This was never supposed to happen. He was never supposed to come back this way. But now that he has, how can I possibly turn him away?

The ding of the microwave jolts me out of my thoughts and I open it to retrieve the steaming cup. I walk over to the kitchen table putting the mug in his hands. He’s still trying not to look at me as he takes the cup and just nods at me, never raising his head. I sit down across from him, leaning forward, willing him to meet my eyes. But he doesn’t.

“Tony,” I say softly. “What happened? Come on, talk to me,” I plead with him, but he just shakes his head still studying the steam rising from his cup. I reach out covering one of his hands with mine and get an instant reaction to my touch. He jumps as if he didn’t expect it, and his head shoots up finally meeting my eyes.

I suck in a breath as the intensity of the emotions in his eyes hits me full force. He isn’t supposed to look at me this way anymore. He isn’t even supposed to be here. But he is, and I’m not sure what to think.

How many times in the last few years have we even been in the same room, much less alone. It hits me how much I’ve missed him, how much I’ve wanted to see those dark brown eyes meeting mine. But they aren’t the right brown eyes anymore, and I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t be running my thumb over the back of his hand and getting lost in those eyes.

“I missed you,” he says softly and I just close my eyes at his words. How many nights did I want to tell him the same thing? How many times did I wish things hadn’t happened the way they did? But that was all before the sweet boy sleeping in the other room came into my life and changed my entire world. But would I have ever have found him if it wasn’t for the man sitting in front of me?

“I know, I missed you too,” I reply as I open my eyes to meet his bottomless gaze. I see the pain in his eyes, the loneliness, hidden so deep it tears at my heart. Part of me wants to fill that void for him again, but I don’t know that I can. We were there for each other at a time when we had no one else, at a time when we were both at a low that could only be filled by each other. But so much has changed. I’ve changed, but as I stare into his eyes the way I used to I realize the connection we made is still there and probably always will be.

I reach out with my other hand so that I’m holding both of his, the cup of chocolate forgotten in the moment. I remember when we first found each other, when we were both so young. We were both trying to break into big time racing, running Sprints and Midgets--never against each other--but still the attraction was there. I didn’t understand it at first, but we clicked immediately, and it was like I found another piece of myself every time I looked at him. It was intense and powerful and I completely lost myself to him. But then I got the chance to move on…and he let me. No, he forced me. And I thought it was the end.

But then he did the last thing I expected. He followed me to stock cars and I was lost again. I was trapped in a loveless failing marriage, and he was trying to break into Cup. And he took over again, forcing me to find myself, find what I lost…and it was so good. But it didn’t last. It couldn’t last. We were just too different, or maybe too much the same, I’m not sure. But those months we had I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

He showed me things about himself four years ago he never had before that I doubt anyone else has ever seen and at the same time he helped me figure out who I really was. He helped show me how to be more than who I was “supposed” to be because God knows he’s mastered that. He’s the king of being who he is the rest of the world be damned. I think that may be what I loved most about him, his total fearlessness in the eyes of the world. But at the same time, it was because of that same throw caution to the wind attitude that destroyed us in the end, I think.

“Tony…” I start, trying to figure out what to say, what he wants me to say.

But he cuts me off squeezing my hands and in his and says, “I still love you.”

I’m completely at a loss for words as I see the truth shining from his eyes. I don’t have a clue how to respond to his declaration, and I can’t control the flood of emotion that fills me at his words. Why now? Why after all this time does he come to me with this? Why not before when I wanted to hear those words from his lips more than anything in the world?

I look down and study our intertwined hands on the table and marvel at his touch. It’s been so long and I forgot how different it was. His hands are rougher and larger than what I’m now used to. But I remember how tender and strong they could be. He doesn’t have the long, almost delicate fingers I know as well as my own, but I realize on some level I have missed this touch. I’ve missed him.

But I can’t go back. I know that with everything in my being no matter how much my body may be craving his touch, and it’s not all about Jimmie. We just don’t work, even though it was so easy to pretend that we did, in the end too much always got in the way. But whatever it was that we did have, I know now that we still do, and I don’t know what to do with it.

I try to put this into words and say, “Tony, I…” but I stop short as I feel another presence in the room. I look over to the door and see him standing there, and the hurt in his eyes is more than I can bear. He’s standing there frozen, staring at us with wide pain filled eyes and I have to wonder how long he’s been there. He shoots me a look full of hurt and betrayal and turns to bolt out the door.

“Jimmie, wait,” I call after him standing quickly trying to pull my hands from Tony’s. But he holds on a little longer, and I look down at him to see the same sadness in his eyes as when he first saw Jimmie and I together three years ago. We had only been talking at the time, but Tony knew. He knew me, and he knew Jimmie and I were more than friends, or at least that we would be. It was on that day I thought I lost him completely friendship and all, but now it seems like I was wrong.

“Tony, I have to go. I have to,” I plead with him and he lets go of my hands. “I’ll be back. I promise,” I say as I hurry to the door stopping as I reach the threshold. “I’m sorry, but….”

“Go,” is all he says in response and I run from the coach into the pouring rain.

As my bare feet hit the hard wet ground I immediately run over to the coach parked adjacent to mine. But as I see the lights aren’t on I instinctively know he’s not there. I feel my chest getting tight and fear squeezing my heart as I try to figure out where he would go, who he would go to. Please don’t let him be with someone else, I think frantically as I turn and hurry to the end of the row of motorcoaches.

I never told him about Tony, even though I probably should have. I just never saw the need when Tony had all but quit speaking to me. But now I have no idea what he must be thinking, what he might have heard. I have to find him. I have to make him understand, I think desperately as I reach the end of his coach. But then I have to stop as it hits me, what am I going to tell him? How do I even begin to explain the feelings I have for Tony that I wasn’t even aware still existed until a few minutes ago?

It doesn’t matter, I think as squint against the rain falling in my eyes. There still may be something there, but it’s in the past. It has to be. Jimmie is now. Jimmie is my future, and I have to find him and make him understand.

I scan along the long row of motorcoaches and something finally catches my eye a few spots down. I see the outline of a figure, silhouetted in the faint moonlight, leaning against a darkened coach, and I know instantly it’s him. His shoulders are slumped forward and he’s looking down at the ground as I make my way over to him, trying to decide what to say. As I reach him, he doesn’t look at me. He just continues staring down seemingly oblivious to the rain washing over us both.

“I don’t know where I thought I was going,” he says in a detached voice. “It’s not like I have anywhere else to go but you.”

His emotionless voice cuts my heart and tears deep into my soul like nothing else in my life. I need to make him understand. I need to “fix” this, but I realize I’m at a total loss of what to say. I’m still not even sure what happened back there.

“Jimmie, nothing happened. I swear. Tony just showed up and….”

“But something did happen, didn’t it?” he says as he turns his head toward me and shoots me an accusing glare. “I’m not an idiot Jeff. I saw the way you were looking at him. There was something between you wasn’t there?”

I know he knows my answer immediately as I can’t meet his gaze. I never should have kept this from him. But I never thought there would be a reason for him to know. It was all in the past, or so I thought until tonight.

“So how many times…” he says in a voice choked with emotion. “How many times has he shown up when I wasn’t there, or when I was sleeping?”

I instantly look back at him when I realize what he’s implying and my chest is suddenly so tight it’s hard to breath. He’s staring straight ahead into the distance and it strikes me in that moment how the rain rolling down his face looks too much like tears. His lips are pressed together in a hard line and I just want to reach for him and make everything all better. But, I know right now there’s no way he would allow that.

“Jimmie, I swear, that’s never happened,” I try to convince him. “I don’t even think I’ve been in a room alone with him for over three years. He just showed up tonight, and I couldn’t turn him away.”

“Why not?” he says sharply looking at me again. “Why couldn’t you turn him away? I didn’t even know you were friends. What haven’t you told me, Jeff?”

I sigh at his question and know that I can’t keep this from him any longer. I never should have in the first place. I take a deep breath as I prepare to tell him the only secret I’ve ever kept from him.

“It was a long time ago…before I met you,” I tell him and look to his eyes, desperately hoping he’ll understand. “It was intense. It was nothing I had ever felt before. But it didn’t work. It didn’t last. He ended it not long before we met, and I thought we could still be friends,” I say shaking my head. “I didn’t understand everything then, and when he finally found out about us he quit speaking to me altogether.”

I look up to him meeting his eyes as I try to make him understand. “I didn’t think it was important Jimmie, I swear. I thought it was all in the past. It is all in the past,” I stress willing him to believe me.

“No, it’s not,” he says flatly and it feels like the world has dropped away under my feet, and maybe it has. There is no world for me without him. I have to make him understand that. But before I can find words to express this he continues, “If it were all in the past you wouldn’t have been looking at him that way, and he wouldn’t have said what he did.”

Shit. He heard Tony. “Jimmie, it’s not what you think….”

“He said he was still in love with you Jeff! What is there for me not to think? He was obviously there to take you from me, and you didn’t exactly seem to be putting up a fight. If anything you looked like you were happy about it,” he accuses me as he pushes himself away from the coach he was leaning on and takes a few steps forward, running his fingers through his hair.

I walk over to him reaching out to put a hand on his arm and wince as he jerks away. “No one can take me from you Jimmie,” I tell him firmly. “You’re the one that I want to be with. You’re the one that I love, not him.”

He slowly turns to face me again and his deep brown eyes swirling with emotion bore into mine as he says, “But is that really true, Jeff? I saw the way you were looking at him, and I know that look all too well. You may not be “in” love with him, but can you really tell me you don’t still have feelings for him?”

I look away from him again desperately trying to find words to explain the mix of emotions running through me. “Jimmie, it’s not that, really. It’s just, if you had seen him. I couldn’t turn him away.”

I hear him sigh and I look back him. He’s staring off into the distance again and I bite my lip trying to figure of how to make this all better. But as I search for words, he speaks again.

“I know Jeff. I know better than anyone how you love, completely and totally. And I know that you can’t turn that off without losing a part of yourself.” He turns to me again and continues, “I may not have been here for everything with her, but I saw what it did to you to lose that.”

He shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair again. “It’s what I love most about you, you know? How you can’t turn away someone you care about, how they become a part of you.” He’s studying the ground again and I still don’t know what to say. He right about everything, just like he always is.

“I don’t want to share you. I can’t even imagine the thought. But if that’s what it takes to keep you,” he pauses as he looks up to meet my eyes. “I’ll do it.”

I feel my chest constricting again at his words and the intensity of his eyes. I don’t deserve him I realize immediately. How can he know me so well, and how can he possibly understand? “Jimmie, that’s not what I’m asking…. that’s not what I want….”

“I know,” he says softly. “But, it’s what you have to do.” He sighs and his beautiful pain filled brown eyes meet mine laced with understanding. “Go. Help him. I’ll still be here tomorrow,” he finishes and turns to walk away. But I can’t let him go this way. He has to know.

“Jimmie,” I call after him and he stops, turning his head to look at me over his shoulder. “I love you.”

He just gives me a small smile and replies, “I love you too, Jeff,” then turns slowly and walks away.

I stand there letting the rain wash over me as I watch him walk away. His deep brown eyes so full of love are burned into my mind and it breaks my heart. I never wanted this to happen, but he’s right. I don’t have a choice...at least that’s what I tell myself.

I look back to my coach and remember the other set of dark eyes waiting for me. He’s barely even spoken to me in so long, how bad must it be for him to come to me again? How could I possible not be there for him?

I take a deep breath and slowly make my way back to my own coach. I quietly open the door pausing for a moment to cast one last glance to the coach behind me before I step inside.

As I walk back into the dimly lit coach, I first look into the kitchen only to find he’s not there. Worry seizes me as I hope he hasn’t left. I turn and hurry into the living room, not even noticing the puddles I leave behind me from my soaked clothes. I breathe a sigh of relief as I find him still wrapped in the blanket I gave him curled up on the couch…in the same spot Jimmie was earlier.

I sigh at the remembered image and walk over to him brushing his still wet hair from his face with my finger tips as I reach him. He slowly looks up at me with the same lost look from earlier and I just want to take him I my arms and make it go away. But right now, I realize as I shiver, I’m soaked to the skin and making a mess all over the floor.

“I’ll be right back, k?” I tell him softly and he just nods his head pulling the blanket tighter around him. Does anyone else ever see him this way I wonder as I walk down the hall to my bathroom to strip out of my wet T-shirt and jeans. I’m still surprised that he came to me tonight. Isn’t there anyone else for him to go to, I think, as I feel a pain in my heart at the thought. Where has he been these last three years?

I grab a towel and start drying myself of as I walk into my bedroom in search of new clothes. I pull on a fresh T-shirt and an old soft pair of sweats. My skin is still chilled from the rain and I’d love a hot shower, but I just don’t have time for that right now, I think, as I walk back down the hall into the living room, rubbing my arms to ward away the cold.

I see him still sitting huddled on the couch and walk over to sit next to him in the corner. He instantly moves to lean back against me and I slide my arms around him pulling him to my chest. He rests his head against me and I absently run my fingers through his still damp hair.

“It’s ok,” I murmur softly to him. “You can tell me anything.”

I feel him snuggle closer to me as if he’s trying to lose himself in my embrace. Maybe he is. I just continue holding him stroking his hair and wait for him to tell me what’s wrong.

“Why do I always fall for people I can’t have, Jeff?” I hear him ask softly and it tears at my heart. I wonder who he’s talking about as I turn him in my arms so I can hold him better. It’s not like he’s been filling me in on his love life. I rub his back as I keep stroking his hair and can’t help but wonder if it’s his crew chief. I’ve seen the glances he’s shot him over the years and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s who all this is about.

I just pull him closer, trying to ease some of his pain, as I hear him say softly, “I’m just so tired of being alone.” The agony in his words is palpable and it makes me as angry as it does break my heart. Why is that people can’t see how wonderful and caring he is behind his tough as nails exterior? It’s so easy to see through, when you know what to look for.

“It’s gonna be ok, Tony,” I tell him softly as I hold him in my arms. We stay that way for a long while, as I continue giving him comforting touches, and he clings to me like a life line. I don’t even remember the last time we’ve been this close and I can’t help but notice how different he feels in my arms compared to the long lean body I’m accustomed to. But this is about comfort, I remind myself as I feel guilt wash through me. Comfort, for someone who will always have a piece of my heart.

Finally I feel him pull back from me, just enough to look up and meet my eyes. His dark brown orbs are full of desperation as he quietly pleads with me, “Please, I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

I run my hand down the side of his face tracing his jaw line with my finger. This is why I had to come back. I couldn’t let him be so alone, even though it’s killing me inside. Why can’t he find love like I have? Why can’t he find someone who understands him?

I close my eyes and nod to him, letting him know I will give him what he needs. Then I feel him lean closer and I can smell his long familiar scent over take my senses. How long has it been, runs through my head again as he touches his lips to mine. They’re softer than I expect, and I feel the stubble on his face scratch against mine. I feel his tongue on my lips and I open my mouth granting him the kiss he’s desperately longing for.

I’m instantly overwhelmed and transported back to a long lost hotel room in Indiana when he first kissed me this way…a time I’ve pushed out of my mind for so long. It was the first time I had ever been kissed by another man and it changed me in more ways than I can count. If it weren’t for him, I’d probably still be with her. If it weren’t for him, I’d never have found Jimmie….

I try to force thoughts of anyone else out of my mine as he leans into me, deepening the kiss. I feel his hand run down the side of my face then to the back of my neck playing with my hair. I feel warmth spread through me at his touch and I can’t help the twinge of guilt I feel. This isn’t about me, I have to remind myself as I feel his other hand run down my side.

I gently push him back breaking the kiss and look into his dark bottomless eyes. I see him suck in his bottom lip, and I know he’s worried about what I’ll do next. This isn’t what I want, even if it’s what he thinks he needs. He doesn’t have to seduce me this time, and I can’t let him. This isn’t about me. It’s about him.

I push him back a little more and reach out a hand to him saying, “Come on,” as I start to stand. He sits there for a moment, looking at my hand, before he takes it and stands with me.

“You don’t have to,” he says quietly not meeting my eyes.

“I know,” is all I respond as I pull him down the hall behind me.

As we walk into my room I instantly wish we hadn’t. I look over and see that bed I usually share with Jimmie, and I don’t think I can do this. I feel Tony’s hands on my waist, as he leans down behind me kissing my neck, and I can’t help but flinch. He slides his arms around my waist, pulling me back against him, and I feel myself relax just a fraction. He’s definitely not forgotten how to be persuasive, I realize, as one of his hands runs under my shirt across my bare stomach.

“Tony…” I say his name and am surprised at the huskiness in my voice. He just murmurs in my ear at my words as he starts kissing my neck again. I close my eyes and realize how easy it would be to go back in time with him, to just give myself to him again. He runs his hand up my chest from my stomach and I hear a soft moan escape my lips as I involuntarily lean back further against him.

I feel him start to move me forward, and I open my eyes instantly seeing the tangled sheets on the bed, and I remember how they got that way. I take a deep breath as his hands run up my sides and I feel myself shiver at his touch. But as he tries to push me to the bed, I realize I can’t do this. Not here.

“Tony,” I try again and I realize how breathy my voice has become. I turn around to face him and see that he’s smiling at me. “Tony, please, I can’t do this here,” I say as I put my hands on his chest.

I watch as his eyes soften and his smile fades a fraction as he leans forward and whispers in a sultry voice I had almost forgotten, “I told you once before Gordon, anytime, anywhere.”

I close my eyes at the memories and long forgotten emotions that run through me at his words. I feel him trail kisses down my jaw line and nuzzle my neck and I feel myself tremble. It’s like I’m caught in his spell just like I was back then, when I couldn’t tear myself away from him. But I’m not the same person I was then, and neither is he.

I take a different tact this time as I lean into him and purr in his ear, “Let’s go back to your place. If I remember right you always did have the silk sheets….”

His grin just grows and as he replies, “Oh yes, you do know me well,” and I see a little surprise in his eyes at my boldness. I’m not that same naïve person I was before and it’s time he knows it. I grab him roughly and kiss him hard on the mouth, pushing everything but my growing passion from my mind. Then I pull back, slipping from his arms, and move quickly to the door. I pause, looking back at him, and with a mischievous glint in my eyes say, “Coming?”

“Not yet,” he growls back at me as he stalks toward me. “But I will be soon.”

I move down the hall with him quick on my heels and make my way to the door. He grabs me as I reach to open it spinning me around and pressing me against it, kissing me hard again. Then he pulls back and says, “You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you?”

“You have no idea,” I reply as I pull open the door and slip into the night. He follows me closing the door behind me and I see the lust already reflected in his eyes. The rain has almost completely slacked off, I notice, as I make my way to his coach, just barely keeping out of his reach. I feel myself tremble as I pass the one I wish I was going to and I have to push those thoughts from my head again. I keep walking, forcing myself not to look that direction, as Tony’s coach finally comes into view.

He steps ahead of me opening the door and grabs my arm pulling me inside. Then he crushes his lips to mine as I kick the door closed behind me. I lose myself in his kiss feeling nothing but the raw passion rising inside me as he reaches for the hem of my shirt and breaks the kiss to pull it over my head. His rough hands run over my body, touching and caressing me, as he leans against me moaning in my ear, “I missed this so much.”

I hear a small moan escape my lips in response as he reaches down to cup me through my soft sweat pants. He teases me for a moment before I push him back hard, forcing him to take a step back, and stalk towards him. His eyes are full of pleased surprise as they meet mine and a dark grin passes over his face as he says, “So is that how this is gonna be?”

My gaze doesn’t waver as I grab his shirt pulling it over his head then wordlessly pull him back to me by the neck, kissing him hard again. He doesn’t want to be alone? He wants to play? I can do that, I think, as I plunder his mouth with mine. I run my hands over his broad chest paying no heed to the unfamiliar curves under my hands.

I feel him tug at my pants again and pull away to growl in his ear, “Bed. Now.”

He doesn’t argue as he tugs me down the hall and into his darkened room. Just as I remembered dark blue silk sheets are spread over the bed. Some things just never change, I think, as I feel him push me over to the bed. I fall forward, landing with my hands spread on the soft sheets and I turn to see him unfastening his jeans, his dark eyes pinning mine. I watch as he pushes the pants down and kicks them off never breaking eye contact. Then he steps forward, daring me to challenge him.

My blood runs hot as I see his throbbing member at eye level and I know exactly what he wants from me. It wouldn’t be the first time. This is actually easier, I think as I open my mouth and he steps closer, threading his fingers through my hair as he pushes himself past my lips. I close my eyes and concentrate on nothing but the taste and feel of his hard cock.

His fingers are digging into my scalp and pulling at my hair as he increases his pace and I lose myself to the eroticism of it all. My hands are gripping the sheets on the bed as I let him pound into my mouth. Then, all of a sudden, he pulls back, and I look up at him with dazed eyes.

He leans down to me touching his lips briefly to mine and running his hand down my face as he says, “I want you.” I give him a small nod and he claims my lips again, rubbing the back of my neck. He finally pulls away and I see softness in his eyes as he looks at me for a moment before standing and moving over to his night stand.

I roll over and crawl up a little further on the bed, running my hands over the soft smooth sheets. I sense him come back to the end of the bed behind me and I feel him run his fingers down my spine and shiver. I feel him massage my lower back as I get up on my hands and knees and fire runs through me at his touch.

I close my eyes as I feel his fingers slide lower, and I suck in an involuntary breath in anticipation. Finally he works in a single finger and let out a small moan. He takes his time now, making sure to build my passion before he adds a second finger. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect slow and sweet, and it’s almost more than I can take.

“Now Tony, please, now!” I cry, dropping down to my forearms and lowering my head. I feel him remove his fingers and position himself behind me. Then I cry out again as I feel him fill me completely. I reach forward with one arm snatching a pillow from the head of the bed and bury my face in it as he slowly pumps in and out of me.

I want him to just pound me. I don’t want the slow and easy strokes, and I dig my fingers into the bedding, pushing back to meet his thrusts. I feel my desire building and overwhelming me and I actually bite at the pillow muffling my cries. This is for him, I think again in my head as I feel him reach around to stroke me.

“No,” I whisper, as I feel his hand around me, and I can’t control the feelings that run through me. My whole body is quaking with desire and there is nothing but blinding pleasure as he pumps into me. I hear another long moan slip from my lips as it’s all finally too much and I climax in a haze of trembling pleasure.

I lay there in almost limp exhaustion as he thrusts a few more times before I hear him moan, “Yeessssss Jeff, yes.” I feel him grip my hips harder then fall forward on me as he finds his release as well. I slide forward off my knees as he pulls from me and just lay there on my stomach as he crawls up the bed next to me.

I’m still a little stunned as he reaches for me, and I push myself up a little further on the bed letting him curl into my arms. He rests his head on my chest and I rest my hand at the base of his neck, absently stroking his skin with my thumb. I just stare at the dark ceiling as I feel the breath of his sigh on my skin.

“Jeff…” I hear him say softly against my chest.

But I just shush him saying, “It’s ok Tony, shhhh.” I don’t know what to say to him now, and I don’t know that there is anything for him to say to me. I never really expected to end up this way with him again. I didn’t even expect tonight to go this far. But it has, and he has to know it can’t happen again.

But for some reason, I’m at a loss for words and all I can do is lay here, in his bed, holding him. We stay that way for awhile, as the passion cools between, us before he speaks again in a quiet voice, “So, I guess Johnson hates me now.”

I freeze, stilling my hand on him, at the mention of Jimmie’s name. I had completely forgotten how blunt he could be. A sick feeling of dread runs through me as well as a little tendril of anger at his casual mention of his name. Why is he asking me this now, I wonder gritting my teeth. Isn’t it enough that I’m here with him now?

“Yeah, Tony, I’m pretty sure he does,” I reply just as bluntly as him. I need to leave. I need to get out of here because I don’t want to have this conversation with him. Tony has nothing to do with us, and I now know I never should have let things get this far as I feel him squeeze me a little tighter. I feel the slight anger begin to grow inside me, but before I can say anything else he continues in the same soft voice from earlier tonight.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, and the sorrow in his voice is like cold water thrown on my anger. He didn’t mean to hurt me, hurt us. He was just too wrapped up in his own pain, and it’s not like I stopped him. “I shouldn’t have put you in this position.”

I sigh at his softly spoken words and know they are the truth. It’s not like he really knows the depth of what is between Jimmie and I. How would he? He just came to me seeking comfort, and fool that I am I just gave it to him, no matter the cost. But this can’t happen again, and he needs to know it.

“Tony, you know this can’t happen again, right?”

I hear him sigh against my skin again and feel him nod. “Yeah, I kinda thought as much,” he replies to me. I hear a little sadness in his voice mixed with resignation. I think a part of him may have thought in the end we might come back together. I know at one time a part of me may have too. But now I know. Now I know that as much as I may have loved him once, it’s not the same anymore. I still care about him, but I don’t love him that way anymore.

“I’ll always be here for you, you know,” I tell him quietly as I again comfortingly stroke his hair. “You can always count on me, but….”

“Not like this,” he finishes for me. We lay there in silence at that point for I don’t know how long, everything needed to be said already said. I just let him take comfort in me one last time. Finally, just as I think he’s asleep, I hear him whisper quietly, “Thank you….”

I stayed there with him that night until he had completely fallen asleep before I quietly slipped out of his bed. I remember looking back at him laying there, and I saw a peace on his face I don’t know if had ever been there before. I just hoped in that moment he would be able to find his own happiness, because I finally knew with all certainty it wouldn’t be with me, as I stepped back out into the pouring rain.

Author’s Note: Oh yes, there so will be an “Aftermath” to this angsty fic. You didn’t really think I would let Jeff get off that easy did you? *evil grin*

Author’s Note2: Since I finished this fic it has spawned 2 sequels: Aftermath - the first one where Jeff goes to confront Jimmie and Indiana - which picks up with Tony right after Jeff leaves. The order in which you read them doesn’t really matter as they both occur at the same time, so take your pick and let me know what you think! :-)

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com