The Last Goodbye

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Summary: Tony’s not ready for it to end just yet.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Tony Stewart/Kasey Kahne, Tony POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #122 (#97 for me) - Thirst
COMPLETED: December 25, 2008
WORD COUNT: 2,478
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is a Christmas request written especially for rhardin. I have to admit I really enjoyed writing this one. Who knew I actualy missed my Tony muse? ;)
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Homestead, FL – November 16th, 2008

I’m not getting out of the car.  I don’t care how many of the media idiots press around me, I’m not getting out of the car.  Not until I’m ready.  And I’m not ready yet.

Squeeze the wheel tighter and force myself to take a deep breath.  There’s nothing I’d like more right now than to get out and scream at them all to back off.  They don’t know what I’m going through and I know damn well not a one of those fucking morons could be trusted with a quote right now.  All they’d do is twist any damn thing I say to make me look like the asshole.  And I’m not in the mood so I’m going to sit here until I’m ready, no matter how long that is.

Look over the dash and push my visor up only enough to see clearly.  It’s darker off the track than on so it’s almost impossible to see through the tinted visor.  I’ve been using it to hide from the cameras trying to pry into my privacy but I know there’s no hiding.  There’s always the fucking TV camera to my right and I’d love nothing more than to smash it.  I got away with slamming the steering wheel into one this season.  That was probably one of the better checks I wrote that didn’t go to Victory Junction.  I thought about doing it again, but why repeat myself?  Especially when I’m supposed to be a more mature team owner now.

God dammit.

Do these jackasses really think this is how I wanted things to go?  Ten years.  Ten damn years of my life I gave to this team, to the Coach, to my sponsor.  I’ve known tons of marriages that didn’t last as long as me and Zippy.  He’s been like a brother, a confidante, someone who always had my back.  And the Coach...he’s been more a father to me than mine ever was and I doubt he even knows it.  I know I’ve been a bastard over the years and I know damn well all those vultures outside my sheet metal cocoon would love to know what he used to say to “get me in line.”  Wouldn’t they be surprised to know the biggest thing was when I disappointed him?  There is no worse punishment than that.

But then everything had to change.

Fucking J.D. and all the fucking babies.  Everyone thinks I did this because I wanted to, that I wanted to be a car owner.  Jesus Christ do I look like Harvick?  Fucking Kevin is eating this up because he knows more than anyone how much I HATE the politics of NASCAR, and I’m gonna be a damn owner?  What the fuck was I thinking?  Instead of getting out of the fire I’m jumping further in.  Sure I love owning Eldora, that place is like a piece of my heart.  And sure I love the sprint teams.  They’re probably the closest thing to kids I’ll ever have.  But a Cup team?  Two Cup teams?  Harvick isn’t even crazy enough for that one.  But I had no choice....

If anyone wanted to know the real motivations behind my actions they have to look no further than Bobby, tossed out well before his prime.  He was a fucking Champion for God’s sake, just like me.  He gave his all to the Coach and his team.  He did everything he was ever asked and still he was tossed out on his ass with barely even a thank you.  I couldn’t let that be me.  And with that fucktard Logano coming up to take my place I knew it was a matter of time.  There was no “Lifetime” contract for Smoke, no matter how much I helped build up this team.  My time was running out.  And I wasn’t going down like that.

Stare at the Homestead sticker to the right of my steering wheel.  The win that never was.  Did they actually think I’d want to stare at that goddamned thing all race long?  Did they really think I needed a reminder of how long it’s been since I won.  Yeah, Smoke, win the race and put this on the hood.  It’ll be a perfect fucking photo op for all of us.  Tony wins and we all part ways all happy, happy.  Fuckers.

Rip the sticker off the dash and try to tear it into a million pieces but it’s too damn hard with my gloves still on.  Crumple it up into a tiny ball and throw it to the floor where I smash it with my foot.  Hope they weren’t wanting to keep it.  Who am I kidding?  This ride already belongs to that grinning, idiot Joey.  They can have it.  God knows I can’t stand anymore of these fucking morons they call teammates.  Denny was bad.  Kyle was worse.  But Joey was the last fucking straw.  Why the fuck couldn’t things just stay the same.

Fist my hands around the wheel once more and stare straight ahead.  I can still see the fools gathered around and getting impatient but I don’t give a shit.  They can wait.  The whole damn world can wait because I’m not ready to be done yet.  Not yet.  This is my last moment in this car and I’m keeping it to myself.  If they don’t like it they can go choke on something long and hard.  The world has changed and I don’t answer to anyone anymore.  Here’s hoping Harvick isn’t right and I don’t go down in flames.

Slide my hands over the wheel and look around my car once more.  There are no words to describe how I feel.  This car, this team, everything around me have been pieces of the best years of my life.  Sure there have been hard times.  But I’m not me unless there are.  I’m an asshole, don’t know how to be anything else but this team accepted me, as I was.  I’ve made friends and rivals and half of them still don’t get what I’m doing.  I know Jeff doesn’t, or at least, he didn’t at first.  But once he realized I didn’t have the cushy guarantee he does...he started to understand.  He still thinks I’m a little nuts running my own team, but Hendrick wouldn’t have worked for me.  I need to be my own man and this is the only way.

I just wish I didn’t have to do what comes next.  I’ve known this was coming for months, but it hasn’t made it any easier.  I’ve known I was going to have to say goodbye to ten years of my life, but I still don’t want to.  I haven’t been able to keep the emotion out of my voice for weeks so I’ve tried to ignore the media as much as I could.  Gordon gets that.  Pity I can’t get the same kind of courtesy he does.  But I guess that’s what you get for spitting on the media for ten years.

Swallow hard and finally reach up to take off my helmet.  Unhook the HAANS, loosen the chin strap and then pull off my orange and black helmet for the last time.  This is coming with me.  No doubt about that.  No stupid fool is putting this or any of my other shit on eBay.  Not unless I say.  This is my world and I won’t let it be auctioned off by a bunch of jackasses who don’t know shit.  Pull off my gloves and shove them in my helmet before hanging it on the hook to my right.  I’ll need to come back for it tonight, just in case.

I’m still not ready for this.  I’m not ready to tell everyone goodbye.  We’ll all promise to still be close but I know it’s all shit.  It’s a divorce, an amicable one but still a divorce.  Zippy will mean well when he says we can still do the things we used to.  The guys will mean it when they say they’ll keep in touch.  But they won’t.  They can’t.  Because as soon as I walk out of the track tonight I become the enemy.  I’m not ready for that.  I’m not ready for tomorrow.  Tomorrow is tomorrow and I’ll deal with it then.  For now I want to live in tonight for as long as I can.

Tug the steering wheel off and set it to the side.  For some reason I don’t feel like throwing it around like I have most of the season.  I’ve lost this fight.  I’ve been evicted from my home.  Now it’s time to find a new one, to make a new life.  I guess I better get this over with.

Shake out of my belts and put the window net down.  One of the guys is already here with water and I take it gratefully, drinking half of it down before reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze.  I can see Zippy waiting for me along with the rest of the crew.  Blink my eyes rapidly when I see they’re all here.  Oh they’re scattered around but I can see them all, waiting patiently, for me.  I shouldn’t make them wait anymore.

Reach outside the car to get a hold of the roof and use it to lever myself out of the car.  My eyes land on the “Thank you Smoke” over the window and I have to swallow back a sudden rush of emotion that threatens to overtake me.  I know it’s publicity, something new to sell another damn diecast but it still gets to me.  Ten years.  Ten.  Damn.  Years.

Feel a hand on my shoulder and I know without looking it’s Zippy.  Slide out of the car and even as all the flash bulbs go off I give him a tight, tight hug.  There aren’t any words.  I wouldn’t even be able to say them if there were.  I can hear some of the media calling out my name, but this is still my moment and I’m not letting them in yet.  Not yet.  Hug Zippy a little longer and then they’re all right there, appearing out of the darkness in the garage and hugging me, one after another.  This is my team.  For one more night this is still my team and I’m going to enjoy it.  Not even the fucking media can take this away, though I know they’re damn well going to try.

Glance around between hugs and I’m unsurprised to see none of my so called “teammates” are here.  But I don’t care.  I honestly can’t stand either one of them and at least one perk will be I don’t have to play nice with their cockyshit asses anymore.  J.D. thought I was hard to handle.  I can’t wait to see how he handles prima donna Hamlin, arrogant fucktard Kyle and Joey the sliced bread imbecile.  It should be fun to watch.  Especially after this season’s chokefest.

Hear the media continue to shout at me but I know I’m still in no condition to talk.  All the hugs from the guys have ramped up the emotion so much I know I’ll take out the first person who asks me a stupid question. And considering they’re all gonna be stupid questions....

Pull away from one last hug and push my way towards my hauler.  It’s only postponing the inevitable and I know it.  But I don’t care.  I need to catch my breath.  I need to get away.  I need to find a way to get my fucking emotions under control before I end up punching someone...or worse.

Storm into my hauler and as expected all of my crew gets out of the way.  They know me.  They’ll give me the time I need.  I just hope the team I’m building learns me as well as they have.  I don’t need to be consoled right now.  I just need them to leave me alone until I can get myself together.  Reach the back of the hauler and jerk open the door to the lounge.  I just need...

What is sitting there waiting for me.

He shouldn’t be here.  I know he’s still got to have obligations of his own.  But he had to know.  He had to know what this was all doing to me and just like he always is...he’s here for me.  Watch him stand and move closer and I don’t make a move.  Bright blue eyes lock with mine and without a word I know he understands.  From the time we’ve met we’ve been friends and I couldn’t even say why.  He just got me in a way no one else did.  And he was such a scrawny little rookie I couldn’t help from wanting to look after him.  Now here he is looking after me.

His hand brushes my cheek, lightly tracing my scruffy skin and I lean into his touch without thinking.  Close my eyes as his soft hand runs through my hair with the tenderest touch I’ve ever known.  Give myself over to the sweet caress and only then does he whisper to me softly, “You did good, Smoke.  You made everyone out there proud.”

“Kase...” I whisper soft and not another word needs to be said.  He’s already said everything I need to hear.  He knows how much failure scares me and I’m terrified of what’s to come.  But at least it will be on my own terms.  At least I won’t be thrown out like last week’s garbage.  No matter what happens, it’ll be on my terms.

He tugs me closer and I wrap my arms around him tightly, crushing his smaller form to me.  He holds me just as tight and for the first time since I took the checkered flag I can finally let go.  Shudder as the emotion pours out of me and he takes it all, holding me tight the entire time.  We only have a moment, this one stolen moment because I have to go face the horde and I’m sure he has things of his own to do.  But for this moment I can let go.  He’ll come back when it’s all over.  We’ll hang out with my team until sunrise and then fly back to Indiana and my new life will begin.  But at least I’ll have one thing to take with me.

So many goodbyes tonight.  So many doors closing, never to be opened again.  It’s the end of the most special years of my life and I know I’ll never equal them on the track.  But it’s ok.  I’m going to come through this and I’m going to be happy.  The last goodbye has already been said because this isn’t goodbye.  This is hello to a whole new future, one where I know I won’t be alone.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com