Servatis a Maleficum

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Summary: His dream shatters but still he continues on.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: R
SERIES: The Chase Series
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick/Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kevin Harvick/DeLana Harvick, Kevin POV
CATEGORY: General/Romance/Angst
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #87 (#62 for me) - Dreams; 10_per_genre - #6 Righting a Wrong
COMPLETED: March 31, 2008
WORD COUNT: 1,654
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes once again I’ve got a song as inspiration. This time it’s Whisper by Evanescence and you can click the here if you want to see the lyrics.
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: This takes place after Kevin won the Busch race at Texas the day before the eighth race of The Chase 2005 when Kevin Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jeff Gordon all missed The Chase.
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Post Chase Race #8 - Fort Worth, TX: November 5th, 2005

She’s in my arms almost before I’m out of the car and the emotion is more than I can stand. Can feel the tears prick my eyes as she clings to me and before I know it RC’s there too, pulling us both into a tight embrace.

Of all the days to win a Busch race…. Somehow cathartic wins seem to be my specialty and there’s no other way to describe this one. After I got the call Monday, nothing’s been right. Now, being in Texas and winning…it’s all too much. I know it was this way for a lot of people in ’01 when I took his Daddy’s car to Victory Lane in only my third start, bringing tears to the eyes of so many. Dale…god, where is he now?

D’s saying something against my ear as she holds tight to me but she might as well be speaking into the atmosphere because I don’t hear a word. I barely even hear RC as he tells me I did a good job and crushes us in a bear hug. No, to be honest, I’m too scared I’ve lost everything and I turn into myself. Dozens of people in Victory Lane and I feel all alone.

See a flash of red out of the corner of my eye and I turn my head, searching out the fringes of Victory Lane with my gaze and I wonder if I imagined him. Someone comes closer with the requisite Texas cowboy hat and D is squeezing me so tight I can barely breathe. Everything is just an insane blur of chaos until….

There he is.

Jeans, T-shirt, Budweiser cap on his head and I wonder if anyone else even sees him. But I do, and our eyes meet even through the crush of people between us. And that’s when the tears slide down my face. I can see the truth in his eyes and I feel like I’m going insane. God, Dale, please…don’t turn away….

~*~*~

I’ve come to realize that sometimes I really love to watch him sleep. Maybe it’s because everything is so new, but I don’t ever remember doing this with D. Maybe it’s because he’s different…and so much the same. Whatever the reason, I continually find myself doing this. Watching him. Memorizing him. Studying him.

Reach out and lightly thread my fingers through his short red hair. He leans into my touch…just like D used too, and I wonder if he does it because of me or because this is all new. For so long I’ve slept in a bed with someone I might not even touch all night long. Is that just the inevitable result of familiarity? If I stay with him, if he stays with me…would we end up the same, only touching occasionally as we pass by, more out of obligation than desire? It’s possible. It’s likely. So why does my instinct tell me that this is different?

He turns to his side, rolling towards me and I slide my fingertips along his reddish scruffy jaw. He reaches out, throwing his arm across my waist and I smile softly as he scoots closer and starts to snore softly. He didn’t even wake up. Somehow that touches me even more. He wants to be with me even when he doesn’t know it. But maybe that’s how this all started in the first place?

We were drawn to each other from the beginning and I’ve never known why. It wasn’t just that I took over his Daddy’s car after he died. If anything you’d think that would make him resent me. But it didn’t. Instead it made us friends, which was a good thing with the hail storm we were both enduring that year. He leaned on me, and I leaned on him. I had no idea there could be more.

I had no idea I’d want more.

Somehow, just by being with me, he puts me completely at ease like no one ever has. Somehow he blocks out the world, the demands, the expectations, and the way it can seem like everyone is screaming out your name at once. I just hope that somehow, someway, I do the same for him. I didn’t even have to go looking for him when I missed the Chase again. He was just here, whispering in my ear and giving me everything I could ever need.

Lean closer to him, scooting down the bed to brush my lips over his but start when my cell phone rings. Look over my shoulder to the dresser and see the greenish light flashing in the dimly lit bedroom. Feel Dale’s arm tighten around me and a cold chill runs through me.

Something’s wrong. I don’t know how, but I know. Something’s wrong and I’m terrified of answering that phone. I just know that when I do everything is going to come tumbling down. I want to turn away. I want to close my eyes and hide in his arms. But I know even before he tells me that I can’t even if I am completely immobilized by fear.

“Answer it, Kev. It’s ok,” he tells me in a soft voice rough with sleep.

But it isn’t. I just know it. God, I wish the world would just leave us alone. Stay in his arms another instant, not wanting to pull away, but as the phone rings out again I know I have no choice. Force myself to slide out of his arms and move numbly across the room. It’s not her ring, but somehow I know it’s about her. Somehow I know this will change everything.

~*~

It wasn’t her. 

It was Richard and with just a few words the entire world was crashing down around my feet.  D’s father was gone, and she needed me.  There was no choice.  I was her husband and I had to go, had to be by her side.  Dale knew the instant he saw my face.  He’s always been able to read me like a book, and I didn’t even have to say a word.  He just knew.

We both knew this day could come, but until then I don’t think either of us really believed it.  Everything was so easy, so right, I didn’t even think about consequences.  I just knew how alive he made me feel, how perfect every stolen moment was with him that I never thought about it coming to an end.  I can still remember the weight of his gaze as I closed the phone, the sound of it clicking shut and the echoing silence afterward when all I wanted to do was crawl back into his arms.  But I couldn’t.

It’s all felt like waking up from a dream you didn’t even know was a dream.  Part of you wants to close your eyes, pull the covers over your head and fight to have that feeling back, that perfect moment that only existed in your mind.  But then the rest of you knows that even if you did fall asleep again you’d never find that moment just the same.  It’d be forced, contrived, if you ever even found it at all.  Part of me wonders if I’ve already lost it all while the rest of me knows the dream was shattered the instant the phone broke the comfortable silence of his bedroom.

She presses tight against my side and my arm goes around her by instinct alone.  She’s invited me back with open arms since I came home for the funeral and I can feel myself giving in even as another piece of me dies.  Somehow it’s so much easier than I thought it’d be.  I promised her daddy I’d take care of her as long as I lived and I’ve found I’m already rising up to take that role again...even as a part of myself comes to an end at the same time.

Blue eyes bore into mine over a distance that might as well be immeasurable because I can’t even try to reach out.  Not now.  Nothing and everything has changed since that call and I’m powerless to fight against it.  My tears flow freely as she curls against me and his look says it all.  I understand every unspoken word.  He knows this pain, this loss, better than anyone and he won’t interfere.  Not even for me.

I want to run after him, even before he makes a move, but I know I won’t because it’s not him that’s turning away.  He’s here, just like he’s always been, just like he always promised he would in every unspoken gesture.  He would never abandon me.  It’s so clear in the fact that he’s here even when he shouldn’t be, even when all logic dictates he should be far, far away.  But through it all, even now, he doesn’t even try to hide.

I see it in his eyes, crystal blue reflecting my own betrayal as I forsake everything I’ve fallen for.  He sees it before I have a chance to act and the pain on his face breaks my heart even more.  But I have no choice.  My dream is finally over and I must find a way to face the end.  Gaze deeply into his eyes one more time and then close my own and turn into her, pressing my face to her hair.

Every part of me is breaking and I wish I could pray to some deity to save me from the evil I’ve brought on us all.  But I know my payers would fall on deaf ears with all the pain I’ve caused.  Open my eyes to look over her shoulder as he finally turns way and I feel the light in my soul go out as I crush her tighter to my chest.  I have to let him go.  I just have to.

I don’t have a choice.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com