Frantic

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Summary: D’s lost her center...or has she?

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: NC-17
SERIES: The Chase Series
CHARACTER: DeLana Harvick/Kevin Harvick, DeLana POV
CATEGORY: General/Romance/Angst
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #92 & 98 (#67 & 73 for me) - Center & Cubic; 10_per_genre - #4 Trust/Distrust
COMPLETED: June 4, 2008
WORD COUNT: 3,845
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes once again I’ve got a song as inspiration. This time it’s Taking Over Me by Evanescence and you can click the here if you want to see the lyrics.
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: This takes place the day before the ninth race of The Chase 2005 when Kevin Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jeff Gordon all missed The Chase.
AUTHOR'S NOTE3: One more note because this really amuses me. The first draft, or first idea for this fic was written in a spiral notebook while I sat in line to get a wrists band to get Kevin’s autograph. I kid you not. ;) I’m so weird. LOL
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Post Chase Race #9 - Phoenix, AZ: November 12th, 2005

Where is he?

The question burns through me and has me feeling more and more out of control.  I’ve been looking, for what seems like forever and still, I can’t find him.  There’s only so many places he can be.  The hauler, the garage, his car, the track.  Why can’t I find him?  Why does everything feel like it’s slipping out of control?  I’m running out of time and I don’t know why.

Push my way into the black and silver hauler, slipping past crew members who act like they don’t even see me.  He should be here.  He should be somewhere.  Why isn’t he here?  Look in the small lounge and no, he’s not here either.  Feel my heart pound with every step I take and I know I’m losing with every minute that ticks by.  Kevin, please, where are you? 

Slip out the side door, coming out between haulers and the feeling of anxiety multiplies tenfold when I see the nearby red hauler.  No, no I can’t be too late.  I’ll find him.  It won’t be too late.  Head for the garage because I can hear the cars on the track.  He must be out there, turning laps, around and around safe and sound.  Or is he?  I know he loves this place, with the blue walls and mountains in the distance.  It makes him think of home and he loves it.  So where is he now?  He has to be here.

Walk through an open garage stall and there’s so many people!  The garage should never be this crowded.  Push my way past busy mechanics and pick through tools and tires that seem rise up to block my path.  Flash of sliver.  It must be him.  Kevin, wait, please.  Wait for me.  Trip and barely catch myself on the side of a crash cart and I swear he’s gone.  Walls feel like they’re closing in and I don’t understand why.  His crew.  They should know.

“Todd, Todd where did he go?”  Grab at his arm but I barely get a response as he turns away almost as if he doesn’t even know me.  Why, why won’t you help me?  You don’t understand.  I have to find him.  Now.  Feel my chest constricting and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe.  He’s not here, but where?  Where else could he--

Pit road.  He must be out on pit road.  Turn sharply, running into a wall of red that immediately has me running the other way.  Scramble out of the garage and past camera crews that thankfully pay me no mind.  I may be a team owner but to many I’m still just a driver’s wife and right now that suits me fine because right now I need to find him.

Hurry down the long stretch of garage stalls and finally I can see pitroad.  Catch sight of the blue wall and distant cactus silhouettes outside the track and feel a chill run over me.  I’m running out of time and that dessert loneliness might end up being my penalty if I can’t find him.  Reach the pit wall and almost trip as I climb over it to the long row of cars.  He has to be here.  They’re all here.  I’ll find him.  I have to.

Rush through the line of brightly colored beasts and it all becomes a blur.  Spot familiar orange and practically trip over myself to ask, “Tony, have you seen him?”  But just as I reach him he’s gone and I have to jump out of the way to keep from being run over.  Panic floods through me when I realize he’s not here.  Neither of them are and that fact makes my blood run cold.  I’m running out of time.  He won’t remember and I’ll lose everything.

Spin around, looking for any familiar face and there, “Richard?  Richard where is he?”  But he doesn’t seem to see me.  No one does as I’m almost run over again.  Why can’t anyone see me?  Hurry back over to the wall and look up and down the long row of cars again and I swear it seems it will never end…but it doesn’t matter.  He’s not here.  That only leaves one place.

The motorcoach.

He wouldn’t be anywhere else.  He never leaves the track.  He has to be there.  Spin around and scramble over the wall as I break into a run, fear and anxiety fast on my heels.  Rush back past the garage and everything that should be so familiar seems to grow more and more distant as time passes by.  It’s like I’ve lost my center and the world is spinning out of control and I’m helpless to stop it.  I used to know every cubic inch of this track, like I do all of them but right now I seem to be in a labyrinth that I can no longer navigate.  Kevin, please.  Please wait for me.

Stumble upon the coach lot and it seems so much more vast than I remember.  But I’ll find him.  I will.  I’ll give up everything to find him because I need him to breathe.  I swear, I need him to live.  Run past bus after bus, my heels long lost somewhere along the way and finally I see it, familiar and different all at the same time.  Rush to our coach and slam head first into the door when it doesn’t open under my hand. 

Locked?  Why is it locked?  We never leave it locked.  Bang on the door frantically because I know I’m too late.  “Kevin, Kevin please.  Open up.  It’s D.  Please hear me.”  Nails claw over the unfamiliar painted flames and I tug at the door again, the pounding of my pulse in my ears and my ragged breathing all I can hear.  Tug harder at the door until I remember my key.  I should have a key.

Take a half step back and dig through my pockets until I feel my fingers brush against the smooth metal.  Pull it out, a gleam of sliver, that slips right out of my hand.  No!  No, I need that!  Hear the soft tinkle of metal hitting concrete and drop to my knees.  When did it get so dark?  Shiver as I feel the cool night time desert air brush over me and I search the ground with shaking hands.  Where is it?  Where is it?!?!  God, please, I’m running out of time.

Nails finally catch the edge of something and I reach further under the coach.  That’s it, that has to be it.  Press my fingers over the cool metal and slowly drag it towards me as I lean against the coach until I can pick it up.  Please, please don’t let me be too late.  Wrap my hand around the key and start to stand--

“D….”

Whip my head around when I hear his voice but there’s no one there.  It’s nothing but an echo on the wind that sends a shiver through me.  Take a shuddery breath and that’s when I catch my reflection in the glossy black coach behind me…and I barely recognize the woman I see.  Something’s wrong and it’s much more than the messed up hair and rumpled clothes from running around.  Something’s missing and I can see it in my eyes, see it on my face.  I have to find him.  Kevin please, wait for me.

Push myself to my feet and turn away from the stranger that haunts me like a harbinger of bad omens.  That’s not me.  He loves me.  And I’ll find him.  Struggle to get the key in the lock and why can’t I stop my hands from shaking?  I don’t panic.  Not like this.  I run an entire race shop for God’s sake.  I don’t fall apart over dropping a key or seeing my reflection.  Except…this is different and I know if I don’t’ find him in time I’ll lose everything.

“Oh thank God!”  The lock turns and I slide the door open only to stumble up the stairs into more darkness.  “Kevin, Kevin I’m here.  It’s D.  Kevin where are you?”  Start at the shrill sound of my voice and push myself up.  Run into something else in the darkness that shouldn’t be in the way but I don’t let it stop me as I head for the back of the coach.  Rush down the hall that seems to go on forever.  “Kevin, Kevin please….”  Light up ahead and I know he must be there, must be in our bedroom.  Reach the doorway but stop suddenly because this…is not my room.

Freeze as I take in the dark décor, glossy black and trimmed in gold.  I never would have picked this.  The closet doors, the dresser, the round bed that shouldn’t be, the black sheets…we never had black sheets.    It’s the same room but it’s not and I don’t understand.  Why is it all--

“Who are you?”

Eyes snap up and all at once I finally see him. See them.  Kevin. Oh, God, Kevin and Junior in my, no, their bed.  This can’t be happening.  I can’t be too late.  But he’s sitting there, leaning back against the headboard with his arms around Junior and, on my God, that is not his wedding band on his finger.  The band I bought and put on his hand is gold.  Not platinum.  What is going on?  Why is he wearing another ring?  Why is Junior?  Junior doesn’t wear a ring.  Why,  “Kevin, why?”

“Do I know you?”

~*~*~

Scream because this can’t be happening.  It can’t.  He has to know me.  He has to love me.  He just has to.  Why?  Why is it all wrong.  Scream again until I’m being shaken and everything shatters before my eyes.

“D, wake up.  D, c’mon wake up.  What’s wrong?”  Feel the hands, his hands, on my arms, shaking me again and I suck in a shuddery breath.  Is it a dream?  Oh God, please let it be a dream.  Blink my eyes open to meet green ones filled with concern and I wipe at my damp cheeks.  Was I crying?  Stare at him a moment and then all of it starts to come back, Kevin and Junior, me and Jeff, Daddy….

“Please, tell me it was a dream.  Kevin, please don’t leave me.”  Strong arms pick me up and wrap around me.  Feel his hard chest so comforting against mine and the tears fall again as I press my face to his neck.  Hear his soft reassuring words against my ear as I’m rocked in his arms and I cling to him even tighter.  He knows me.  Oh God, he knows me again.  I’m not invisible.  He hasn’t forgotten us.  Suck in breath after breath until finally I start to calm down in his arms, my heart no longer trying to pound out of my chest.  “K-Keviiin,” I whisper in a shaky voice as I feel his hand slide soft over my hair.

“Shhhh, it’s ok, D.  It’s ok.  Everything’s gonna be alright.”  And I believe him.  I’ve always believed him.  I couldn’t help myself from the day we met and he completely swept me off my feet with that devilish smile that makes your heart melt and that biting sarcasm that is a complete match for me.  He’s not an asshole but he’s not a weak either.  He has no problem standing up to me and with the way I am…I need that, even if I want to strangle him sometimes.  He’s perfect for me and I can’t lose him.  I can’t.

Cling to him tighter and I swear in times like this it’s so easy to let him take over.  It doesn’t happen often, I’m too strong of a woman for that, but sometimes it’s nice to have a big strong man take care of me.  And I know he would.  No matter what’s ever happened between us I know he’d do anything to defend or protect me.  His fits on the track and with other drivers would pale in comparison to what he’d do for me.  I know that.  I do.  I swear I do.

“Kevin, Kevin I was so scared.  S-scared you didn’t know me.  That you left me.  That Junior--”

“Shhhh, shhh, it’s ok now.  You don’t need to be scared, D.  It’s all gonna be ok.”  Breathe a true sigh of relief and relax into his arms.  Rest my head against his shoulder and curl my hand against his bare chest.  He’s got me.  He’s got me and everything is right again.  All of it must have been a bad, horrible dream.  He would never leave me.  He’s my husband. 

Feel his hand slide down my arm and he takes my hand, lacing our fingers together and I feel the cool slide of his ring against my skin.  He drives me crazy when he doesn’t wear it and I know it’s because it drives him nuts sometimes and then he forgets to put it back on.  But still, I never take mine off.  Why should he?  Doesn’t he know what it does to me?  I can’t bear to think we might be something that can be discarded as easily as taking off a ring.  But then he squeezes my hand lightly and I know it’s ok.  We’re ok.

“I’m sorry, Kevin.  I just…I got so lost, and I couldn’t find you.  You weren’t here.  And then you were and everything was--”  Was what?  I don’t even know.  What was that twisted reality?  Why was everything so different?  It was like it was our coach, but not.  Things were the same, but different.  Almost as if he and Junior had….

“It’s ok, D.  You never have to worry.  We’ll always be here for you.”

Nuzzle against his neck and relax into his arms a little more when his words finally start to register in my head.  We?  What is he talking about?  Who is we?  Blink my eyes open and they slowly adjust to the dark room around me when I hear movement.  What’s going on?

“Right, babe?”  Rub at my eyes when he pulls back slightly and my eyes go wide with shock when I see him tilt his head up to Junior who’s come into the room.  Suck in a breath and my blood runs cold as I see him lean down to capture Kevin’s lips in a kiss that oozes of intimacy and tenderness that shouldn’t be.  What?  Why?  It doesn’t make any sense.  He traces his hand down Kevin’s face and then turns to look at me with a smile.

“Of course we will.”

Eyes go wide and suddenly I see my surroundings aren’t what I though.  The bedroom isn’t just dark.  It’s black.  Look at the hand still caressing Kevin’s cheek and see the silvery glint of platinum.  That means….   Shift back and look down at Kevin’s hand that’s still holding mine and turn it over to see the matching band and I rapidly shake my head.  “No, no, no, no this isn’t right.”  Look down at my own hand and that’s when I let out a cry at seeing it bare, not even a tan line to mark its absence.  “No, no, no…”

“D, what’s wrong?”  Jerk away from Junior’s hand and scoot backwards on the bed.

“Don’t call me that!”  Eyes wide, this is supposed to be real.  But it can’t be.  This has to be a dream!  Read the concern on both of their faces and cover my own with my hands.  “No, go away, no, not REAL!”

Feel hands tugs at my wrists and I instantly know they’re Kevin’s, but not my Kevin.  Where is he?  I want my Kevin.  I want to be me again!  Pull away from him, try to fight him off when he attempts to pull me closer and then scream.  “Nooooooo, let me go.  You’re not him.  You’re not Kevin.  You’re not!”

~*~*~

“DeLana, WAKE UP!”  Continue to struggle even when I’m shaken hard.  Not again.  Not again.  I don’t want to wake up in that hell again.  He’s my husband. Mine.  I won’t let him go.  I won’t.  I can’t breathe without him.  He has to remember.  I can’t be the only one.  “D, dammit, would you stop it?”

Anger, irritation, frustration, I can hear it all.  Could that mean?  Blink my eyes open and I can read a mixture of annoyance and concern on his face.  That’s my Kevin isn’t it?  He’s not a perfect Prince Charming, but he’s mine.  Sit bolt right up in bed and look around, eyes wide and chest heaving.  Blink my eyes to get them to focus and yes, “Oh, thank God.”  This is my room.  There’s the dresser I picked out with the cracked evil eye stone hanging from the mirror.  Kevin must have put it back.  Wasn’t it broken before? 

Shake my head and continue to look around to see my dresser, my clothes on the floor, my eye drops on the night stand.  Oh God I’m home.  Wring my hands together and that’s when I feel the diamond, my ring, on my finger.  Look down and I can see its sparkling fire even in the dimly lit room.  I’m me again.  I’m home.  But what about him?

Turn towards him, still frantic because what if he still isn’t right.  See that his irritation has turned to worry as he looks at me but I can’t deal with that yet.  His hands.  I have to see his hands.  Reach down to grab them and...nothing.  Where is his ring?  Why isn’t he--  Something on the edge of my vision catches my eye and I see the glint of gold on his nightstand and I lunge across him for it.  His ring.  That’s it, gold and engraved with our wedding date inside.  Fumble for it and then pull back and slide it onto his finger with shaking hands.  Yes, god yes.  He’s mine.  He’s mine again.

“DeLana, what’s wrong?”  Hear the worried edge to his voice and I can’t blame him.  I must seem like a raving lunatic but I can’t help it.  Hold his hands tight and look around the room again.  We’re alone, right?  But I thought we were alone last time.  What if we aren’t?  What if…?

“Junior?  Junior’s not here, right?  It’s just us, right?”  Ignore the shrill tone to my voice and the flicker of emotion that flashes across his face that I can’t read and probably don’t want to.  Feel his hands tighten around mine almost to the point of pain before slowly relaxing.  His voice is tight and even when he speaks but I don’t care when I hear his words.

“No.  It’s just us.  June isn’t here.”

Feel relief wash through me and I launch into his arms, trembling and unable to stop.  I know we aren’t right.  I can feel it in the slight tension of his embrace and the way he doesn’t immediately yield to my touch and hold me so close like he did in my dream.  But we can fix it.  I know we can.  He’s home now after his…experimentation and now we can be us again.  I swear I’ll forgive him anything to have him with me again.  “Kevin,” I breathe softly against his neck and try to press even closer to him as I lightly kiss the tender spot under his ear.

“I’m here, D.  I’m here.”  And that’s all I need to hear.  If he’s here he’s mine and I’ll never let him go again.  I swear I’ll give up anything for him, anything to make us, us again.  Kiss lightly down his neck and attempt to crawl more against him.  Slide my hand down his side and over his hip and tug at his boxers but he doesn’t immediately give into my touch.  I don’t care.  He doesn’t need to.  I know him.

Run my hand over the front of the thin material and lightly drag my nails up his semi-hardness as I squirm out of my panties.  I need him.  I need him to fill me and make me right again.  I need his touch to wipe away the last few months of misery.

“D…” he breathes, his voice rough with sleep and what I know is building desire as I stroke him.  He’s not as eager and pliant as he usually is but it’s ok.  He was sleeping.  Everything will be fine in another moment.  Slip my hand through the slit in his boxers and pull him out, still stroking him as I tug him to his side and scoot even closer.  Feel his hands run tentatively down my arms and I don’t even give him any warning, just wrap my leg over his hips and slide against him, guiding him inside me with my hand.

Press even closer to him as I feel him inside and press my face to his neck, kissing over his skin.  Rock my hips against him, grinding our hips together as I wrap my leg tighter around him and try to pull him even deeper.  “K-Keviiiiin oh yesssssss,” I breath against his skin and clench tight around him, the subtle motion causing him to grow even harder and me to moan again.  Pull my night gown over my head and gasp when my breasts rub against his chest and yes, there are his hands sliding up my side to brush against them. 

Feel him rock against me, rubbing harder and thrusting even deeper but I want more, need more. Drag my nails down his back and hear him hiss softly as I rake across my skin.  “I love you, Kevin,” I whisper against his skin and then squeeze his ass tight as I clench as tightly around him as I can.  Dig my nails into his skin, pulling him deeper and, yes, there’s the throaty moan I know as well as my own.

Gasp when he suddenly rolls me to my back and I wrap both legs around him in time for him to thrust deep into me and I cry out his name again.  “Yesssss, oh pleeeeease,” I call out even louder and my baby doesn’t deny me.  He never does.  Arch back on the bed, holding tight to his shoulders when I feel his hands on my breasts and mouth on my neck.  Yes, baby, yes, just a little more.  Harder, harder and oh god yes, his hand between my legs and in an instant I’m screaming out his name.  Kevin, my Kevin.  I love you.  I love you.

Feel him shudder hard and I wrap my arms tightly around him as I brush a trembling hand over his hair.  He owns me, so completely.  Right here and now I know I’ll always be his.  Tighten my arms around him and run my hand over his back not wanting to move, ever.  I know we lost our way, but we’re together now.

And now is all that matters.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com