Shattered Equilibrium

Home : Stories by Catw00man : The Chase 2006 : Shattered Equilibrium

Summary: Self deception’s a balancing act, but what happens when you can’t do it anymore?

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr/Kevin Harvick, Clint Bowyer, Dale Jr POV
SERIES: The Chase 2006
CATEGORY: General/Romance/Angst
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #125 & 130 (#18/18 & 1/21 for me 2nd run) - Chiwara & Administer
COMPLETED: February 3, 2009
WORD COUNT: 2,345
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry it took me awhile to get back to this poor sweet boy!
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: This series takes place one year after the events of The Chase. Kevin is leading the points in the Busch series en route to his second title. In this fic Clint just won his first Busch race of the season while Kevin finished 3rd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dover 200 - Dover International Speedway: September 23rd, 2006

Lean against the rail on top of the hauler and watch the bright blue Coast Guard colors come down pit road and pull to a stop.  He finished third today.  Before long he’s gonna have the points locked up and be adding a second Busch Cup to his collection.  Just like me.  Way he’s runnin’ though he’s gonna make a run for the Nextel Cup too.  He really is having an amazing year.

Shake my head and try to tear my eyes away from the shining, blue Chevy, but when the window net comes down I don’t have a prayer.  This is why I’m not watching the race in my coach like everyone else.  On TV I’d just get a glimpse of him, a few words and that smile that still twists me into knots.  This way I can watch him all the way back to the lot….

Tighten my hands over the rail as I watch him slide out of the car and I swear I could recognize him a mile away.  It’s all in the way he moves, like pure sex poured into a firesuit.  Watch him slide his hand over his hair before putting his hat on and I remember the way those fingers felt running through my hair and sliding down my face.  He leans back against the car and I still don’t understand how he can look like he’s lying down while standing up.  It’s so fucking sexy it aughta be a sin.  Everything about him’s like that and I can’t stop myself…even though I know I should.

“You’re an idiot.”

I can still hear the words from last week, echoing in my head no matter how I try to shut them out.  Why did he have to throw it in my face?  Why couldn’t he let me keep pretending?  I like pretending.  I like watching him, just like I used to before all this started.  Sometimes I can almost pretend last year never happened and we’re still building towards something, anything, other than this.  But then I hear those words again and I know he’s right.  I’m a fuckin’ idiot.  Shit, I’m worse than an idiot.  I’m pathetic.

Run my hand over my face, and I feel my heart sink.  I can’t pretend anymore.  It’s not the same, not when I know with everything in me that I never had a chance.  She can give him everything I can’t and I’m sure one of these days she’ll give him the family and the white picket fence while I’ll still standing here wondering what might’ve been.

Something’s wrong with me.  There’s gotta be.  Nothing else makes sense, not when the only time I’ve ever felt whole in my life was when I was with another man.  It’s not right.  Hell, ain’t nothing right with me anymore and no matter how I try soft curves and smooth skin don’t cut it anymore.  I’ve tried.  Shit, I can’t count the number of gorgeous beauties the guys have tried to fix me up with, but it ain’t right and every time it turns into a disaster.  At least until now I could still pretend….

Raise my head and let my eyes drift over to the familiar blue and white ACDelco colors in Victory Lane.  That car used to be mine.  Hell, it used to be his too.  But now it belongs to a loud mouthed country boy who had to ruin everything.  Fuckin’ bastard.  Why the hell couldn’t he leave well enough alone?  If he hadn’t run his damn mouth…I’d still be deluding myself.

Look back over towards the 21 car, unable to help myself, and catch sight of him disappearing into the media center.  He’ll be in there for a little while, entertaining all the media and bringing a smile to everyone’s face the way he always does.  He’ll flash that grin and half the world will fall in love with him. Just like I did.  Time was I’d head down to try and catch sight of him when he headed back to the coach lot but now…I can’t make my feet move.

I wonder if he’ll even miss me if I’m not there.  I did see him look around for a moment before DeLana took her place at his side and I can’t help but wonder if he was looking for me.  Or maybe I was just imagining the whole thing.  I’ve been in the shadows all season and I know he’s seen me.  Hell, I swear he actually looks for me, at least some of the time.  But it hasn’t changed anything.  Maybe if I’m not around for awhile….

No.  I don’t even need to think it.  He did what he had to do.  He made his choice and now I need to finally start dealing with it.  Swallow hard and force myself to look towards Victory Lane again and I can see they’re already pushing the car back to the garage.  Stupid country boy.  I wonder if he knows he all but read me my last rites when he butted into my life.  I swear I’ve felt like nothin’ but a dead man walkin’ since I left New Hampshire last week.  But maybe that’s what it’s gonna take.  Maybe I gotta lose it all to move on.

Reach out and run my hand across the rail once more then turn and make my way back toward the ladder.  Climb down slowly and I’m not even sure where to go.  I’ve spent so much damn time watching him, following his every move, I don’t even know what else to do with myself.  It’s like I’ve gotten stuck in a loop that’s got no end in sight and before I know it I’m headed for the media center like I have all year.  Walk around the back of the building intent on shortcutting my way back to my coach when I have to stop short.

Green eyes widen in surprised when they see me and my mouth suddenly goes very, very dry.  She’s not with him.  When in the last year have I seen him, alone, without her by his side?  Attempt to swallow but I might as well be tryin’ to swallow glass for all the good it does me.  My heart’s pounding and I ain’t got a clue what to say because…this isn’t supposed to happen.  He’s less than a dozen feet away standing between haulers and the building and I know no one can see us here.  We’re all alone and I swear if one of us doesn’t say something the tension in the air is gonna snap me right in half.

“June…I….”

He what?  He misses me?  He wishes I wasn’t here?  He’s glad he got to see me?  Search his face as my heart pleads with him to continue but apparently he can’t form words any better than I can.  How did things get so hard?  We never, ever were at a loss for words before.  Fuck, it was always a dance of foreplay and seduction years before we acted on it.  It was so damn easy to be with him, so damn easy to want him and standin’ here is like standin’ barefoot on hot coals, but I’ll be damned if I can walk away.

“Yeah, I know,” I whisper softly and bite the inside of my cheek as he rocks on his feet and clenches his fists.  He never could stay still.  Always made him antsy.  Guess that hasn’t changed.  Run my eyes over him and is he a little thinner?  Or is that just my imagination?  I’m stalling.  I know it.  I just wanna be near him a little longer….

“June….”  He takes a step forward and my breath catches in my through because for a moment his eyes are completely unguarded…the way they used to be.   “I wanted to--”

“Kevin, are you--?”  The voice is unmistakable and we both jump backwards even though we’re still not closer than half a dozen feet.  Still, it’s too close and we both know it.  See her freeze when she comes around the corner of the building and I have to force myself not to shiver at the iciness in her eyes.  She holds my gaze as she purposefully strides forward and wraps her arm around his waist.  “Junior,” she nods to me as she slides her hand over his hip and across his back before taking his hand.  Then she gives it a tug and I’m left staring into green eyes that linger longer than they should.

He doesn’t say another word.  How could he?  She made her point more than clear. He’s hers.  Maybe he always was.  So, why does he have to look at me like that?  Watch him as they walk away and he never once looks back.  He never does.  Maybe it would be too hard if he did, I don’t know, but I swear there’s still something there, always right under the surface.  That’s what Bowyer doesn’t see.  That’s what he doesn’t know.  It’s still there…and it doesn’t matter.

“You’re an idiot.”

Yeah, I probably am.  Watch them until I can’t see him anymore and realize…something isn’t the same.  Oh, I’m here waiting for him, just like I always am and I’m still trying to catch every glimpse I can, but it’s different.  Last week I know that look he gave me would be haunting me for weeks and who knows, maybe it still will.  But…it’s not the same.  The glimmer of hope I always felt, the tiny little “maybe” I clung to all year long isn’t there anymore.  All there is are those words I don’t want to face.

But I have to.  And I’m not sure how.

I know where I could go and I almost turn that direction without thinking, but I don’t want meaningless release anymore.  Force myself to stay where I am and turn to lean back against the wall. I know Martin would let me in even after throwing him out two weeks ago.  Hell he’s already called me four times this week, not that I answered.  I know if I went to his coach, or invited him to mine, he’d give me anything I wanted.  He’d get on his knees or bend over and be the perfect whore.  He’d do anything I wanted and for an instant, just for a fleeting moment I’d be able to pretend….

And I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t.  I don’t want that moment of bliss where I can almost pretend I ‘m still with him.  Martin was right about one thing.  There is something really wrong inside me and every time I was with him only made it worse.  He let me lie to myself and that alone is killing me.  I’m tired of lies.  I’m tired of pretending and hoping for something I’ll never have again.  I need to move on and there’s only one person I know who will force me to do it.  There’s only one person who will throw it in my face.

Push off the wall and take a different route back to the coach lot.  He might already be back to his coach.  He didn’t have to come around back like Kevin did and considering how empty the garages are now he probably didn’t.  At least I hope he did because if he’s not there I don’t think I’ll have the guts to wait.  Shuffle along through our travelling homes away from home until I find the coach I’ve never been in before.  Clint and I have never been friends.  I only really know him from when he was competing against Martin in Busch so if anything he’s supposed to be the enemy.  Not to mention he is Kev’s friend….

Rock on my feet and almost turn around.  But then I remember how blunt he was with me a week ago and…I need that.  I need someone to tell me how stupid I am.  I need someone who won’t sugarcoat it or try to take advantage of me.  Stare at his door and then take a deep breath.  Let it out slow and then take the final step and, before I can think about it anymore, knock on his door.

Each second I wait stretches out for an eternity.  Maybe he’s not back after all or maybe he’s with that pretty blonde of his.  She used to come around when he was in Busch.  Maybe I’m interrupting and maybe his offer wasn’t even serious.  Shit.  Maybe I should--

The door opens and there he is, still soaked from Victory Lane champagne.  He must’ve just got back because from what I remember he likes to change pretty quick.  The top of his firesuit is hanging around his waist and I know I probably interrupted his shower.  Shit.  What was I thinking coming over here?  I’m sure he’d rather--

“Junior?”

Look up at him and before I can stop myself the words come tumbling out.  “I…was wonderin’…if I could take you up on that beer….”  Bite the inside of my lip and watch as he moves to the side and motions me inside.  Stare at him a moment longer and I hesitate because I know if I go inside I’ll be letting something go.  I’ll be turning my back on this weird balance of suspended disbelief I’ve been living in.  The image of green eyes flashes through my mind but I push it back.  I have to move on.  I have to.

Swallow hard and then climb up onto his coach without another word.  He knows why I’m here and I’m sure there will be words later once I’ve had a beer or ten.  I’m still not sure why he even cares, but the unsurprised look on his face ever since he opened the door has me at least hoping he might understand.  Someone has to understand and tell me the truth.  He’s already shattered my world once.  Here’s hoping he has a clue how to put it back together.

These authors spend lots of time to write these stories. If you took the time to read this PLEASE take the time to give them some feedback. Happy writers write more ;-)

Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com