Interlude - Regret

Home : Stories by Catw00man : The Adventures of Havoc and Wonderboy : Interlude - Regret

Summary: Dale finally comes to a realization.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: The Adventures of Havoc and Wonderboy
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr/Martin Truex Jr, Dale Jr POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #36 (#11 for me) - Batting a 1000
COMPLETED: March 31, 2007
WORD COUNT: 1,459
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To those who still love this series, I’m trying to bring it back.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place the week following the Altanta Heat after Kevin won the Cup race at Bristol. He went on to sweep the weekend by winning the race delayed Busch race on Monday. This is an “Interlude” for the series, finally giving us Dale Jr’s POV and really isn’t going to make much sense without reading the other fics in the series. They can be found here. Enjoy, and I can’t wait to hear what y’all think about this one!
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: I’ll be honest...I never saw this one coming, but about 6 months ago or so June started giving me this image and telling me this series wouldn’t be as simple as I thought. So now it gets complicated. And fair warning, this isn’t the nicest version of Dale. Honestly, he’s kind of a dick but somehow he still makes me like him.
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Bristol Motor Speedway: April 3, 2005 - Post Race

You’ve really done it this time Earnhardt.  Hell, as far as love and relationships go…you’re really batting a thousand.

God, how could I possibly fuck things up so much?

I can feel him lying next to me; hear his soft snores in the moonlit coach, and all I can feel is overwhelming regret.  Regret for making promises I know I can’t keep.  Regret for giving in, for letting my guard down, for getting myself in so deep that there’s no easy escape.  Shit.  How could I do this to him?  To either of them?

I turn on my side, shifting on the bed, and watch him sleep.  Damn, why does he have to look so content when all I can do is toss and turn?  I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a good night’s sleep with him in my bed, but it’s not his fault.  None of it’s his fault.  No, that honor all belongs to me alone, all because of my fucking impatience and impulsive actions.

Now I don’t see anyway out.

I run my gaze over him and marvel at how much younger he looks in sleep…and it makes me feel even worse.  Why can’t I look at him and just see him?  Why can’t I just give in and let go of the past that I carelessly let slip through my fingers?  Why can’t his eyes be just a little more green or his hair just a little less brown?  I shake my head and sigh softly to myself.  This isn’t right.  I shouldn’t be with him when I can’t even see him.  I shouldn’t be letting him love me when…I don’t love him.

I feel him shift on the bed, his arm reaching out for me in sleep, and I can’t keep pretending.  Not now.  Not tonight.  Not when all I want to do is slip out to find today’s winner and lose myself to his kiss. 

I pull back from his hand, remaining just out of his reach, and the irony of it all is not lost on me.  He’s always been reaching for me, even before I really knew him.  We found each other through racing and I always knew he was interested in more than the car I could provide him.  He wanted me, and I knew it.  From the very beginning I knew it and I shouldn’t have let him get so close.  I shouldn’t have done so much.  But it was nice to be wanted, even from afar.  I was nice to know I could have something to fall back on….

God I really am a dick.

I slip out of bed and move across the small room, pulling on my discarded pair of jeans from the floor.  Then I lean against the wall, looking back at him and slowly slide down to sit on the ground, my gaze still locked on him as he reaches his hand across the bed again.  He thinks I stayed for him, to watch him in the rain delayed race tomorrow, and part of me wishes it was true because it would make things so much easier.  But it’s not, and part of me wonders if he even has a clue.

Fuck, Martin, you deserve so much more than me.

I stayed because I wanted to see if Kevin could sweep the weekend.  I stayed because I wanted to watch him race.  But that’s not all of it and I know it.  I stayed because part of me wants to sneak over to his coach and beg him to forgive me, to fall back into him the way I used to do.  But I can’t seem to make myself do it, at least…not yet.  But how much longer can I deny my heart?

I wrap my arms around my knees and rest my head forward on my forearms.  I know I won’t tell him anything because I never do.  It’s no secret that I can’t handle confrontation, and this is no different from the rest of my life.  I’ve always hidden behind someone, be it my big sister Kelley or my Daddy; there’s always been someone who would step up and do what needed to be done.  I’ve just never been able to be that one.

I tend to be the one that just lets things happen, letting my actions speak for me because it’s so much easier.  It’s a lot harder to misinterpret actions than words and somehow there’s a security in that…and you don’t have to explain yourself nearly as much.  Daytona was one of those times…and that’s something I’m still not proud of.

I raise my head slowly and gaze over at Martin as I remember how mad he was at me back in Florida.  He honestly didn’t speak to me for almost two weeks after Kevin found us and for awhile I thought I’d lost them both.  I hadn’t wanted things to turn out the way they did, with Kevin finding us together, but…I really didn’t do a thing to stop it.  I never told Kev about Martin, and when Martin asked about Kevin I just…changed the subject.  I didn’t want to face things.  I honestly didn’t want to end things and in doing so I almost lost everything.

Maybe I should have.

Martin was less than pleased when he finally figured out I’d never told Kevin about us, that I’d never broken it off.  He said no one deserved to be treated that way and honestly, I don’t disagree with him.  But I wonder what he’d think of me now when every time I look at him I wish he was someone else?

It’s like he’s…almost perfect, and I inwardly hate myself for why we’re together at all.  Martin found me, if I’m to be honest about it, and when he started driving for me it just became so easy.  I was in a position where I was with someone who I had to make excuses to be with, had to sneak around for almost every moment we shared and…I got tired of it. 

That’s what it really comes down to.  I didn’t choose Martin over Kev.  I didn’t decide he’s who I wanted to share my bed with.  He was just there…when Kevin wasn’t.  I got lonely, and Martin was more than interested, so I gave in.  I let it happen.  I allowed him to kiss me and it all snowballed from there because it was so easy to be with him.  Team meetings, testing sessions, shared friends, hell he even stayed at my house for awhile.  It couldn’t get any easier.  No one ever questions why we’re together, and I think I finally understand Jeff and Jimmie more than I ever wanted to.

I thought I was happy, but now I have to wonder if I was in love with him or in love with the convenience of him. 

It was little things at first, tiny little things I’d notice and try to pretend I didn’t, like how there’ll be that joke that he just doesn’t get or that come back he just doesn’t make.  I find myself looking for teasing laughter and mocking eyes when all I get is a stoic smile and quiet reflection.  I crave heat and passion, danger and excitement that I didn’t even know I’d miss until it was gone. 

Martin’s no dare devil and he’s far from impulsive.  I know I’ll never walk in a room to be pounced from behind or have to watch my back for some ingenious prank pulled so perfectly that you can’t even be mad.  I want tenderness mixed with fire instead of steadfastness and loyalty and I’m finally realizing…it’s just not him. 

I’ll never love him.  I honestly know that now.

But I won’t break up with him either.  I can’t.  I know I’ll never be able to say the words.  I couldn’t tell Kevin and I know I won’t tell Martin.  No, at some point, I know I’ll act.  I’ll do something to set events into motion that I don’t have the guts to face.  I’ll go back to Kevin, or I’ll find someone new.  Either way I know this is doomed, but still…I can’t force myself to say the words.

Slowly push myself off the floor and silently move back to the bed, running my eyes over him again.  I never should have let it get this far.  I never should have let him in my bed.  Ease back into the bed, making sure not to disturb him, and curl on my side facing the window as sparkling green eyes haunt my mind. 

I just wish I knew what I really wanted.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com