Secret Vulnerability

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Summary: He’d do anything to make these moments last forever.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick/ Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kevin POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #90 (#65 for me) - Colorless
COMPLETED: April 8, 2008
WORD COUNT: 1,308
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To Zippit for the excellent beta. Thanks so much hun!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sometimes the muse can be so personal. Posting now because I can.
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I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Not with everything we’ve been through, with everything we’ve lost and gained…together. I should trust him with every fiber of my being and be curled up in bed with him, basking in the love we share that’s never been more right instead of pacing around his bedroom in the silvery moonlight. He’s given me everything. I know that just like I know I’ve given him everything that’s ever made me, me. So why isn’t it enough? Why do I look over at him with his arm splayed out where I should be and still feels the barest stirrings of doubt?

No, not doubt. I could never doubt him. Not anymore. His eyes, his touch, his words all tell me how much he loves me, how he worships me just like I do him. When we’re like this, just us in the world, no one can possibly touch us. This is when we’re rock solid and I know his love like I do my own name, like I know everything about him. I don’t even have to turn back from the window to know that his lips are parted slightly as he sleeps, breathing softly through his mouth like he always does when he’s really tired. I know he’ll spread out on the bed when I’m not lying beside him and if I wait long enough he’ll wrap himself around my pillow, holding it tight to his chest without even being aware of it.

I know him so well, every minute of the day. I know how he can’t eat before a race, no matter how late it starts and how afterward he’s starving for anything sweet he can get. It’s just all part of how he gets wound up for a race and I know that no amount of prodding him could ever get him to change. And I love that about him. I love that I could turn away from the window, cross the few feet to the bed, crawl under the covers with him and be taken into his arms without a word. Somehow we just fit so perfectly that words aren’t even needed and I know he’d give me that now. And I want that….

And I’ll have it. I know I won’t be up all night. I’m already starting to get tired, the worried hum that runs through my body on nights like this already winding down. He loves me with his whole heart, just like I do him…just like he always has. But that’s part of what scares me isn’t it? He’s always loved me…even when everything went so wrong.

That’s the one little caveat I’ve tried so hard to ignore because we’ve always been able to find these moments of sheer perfection in the midst of madness. When we were together he was always my God, lighting up my world the likes of which I’ve never known but with him. It’s when we were apart that things went all to hell. That’s when I worry because I do know him so damn well. I know how restless he gets when he’s alone and that knowledge scares me more than I can put into words.

And I won’t. Won’t say a word because that’s just not me and never has been. I’ll never put him on a leash or try to control where he goes or what he does no matter how much I’d like to. I know with our lives we can’t be together every second and I also know if we were it just might smother him. I can’t stand to be alone. But he can. Honestly I think sometimes he enjoys his time to himself and I won’t interfere. I won’t tell him who he can be with or constantly call to check up on him. I won’t.

And it will tear me up inside.

Just like it did this weekend.

We had busy schedules, but when don’t we? Qualifying was ridiculously long, I had appearances, he had sponsors to schmoose. It’s just the life we lead. Hell with all the commercials he does sometimes there are days we don’t even see each other. This weekend really shouldn’t have bothered me so much. But I know why it did and part of me hates myself for it.

It was seeing them talking and carrying on and I know I shouldn’t care. I know I should trust him completely and really, I do, or at least most of me does. Dale loves me. I know he does. But I also know that were there a chance he would do anything to take him away from me again and he’s probably not the only one. Who wouldn’t want to bask in the love of a god? But I’ll never say a word. I won’t even let him know that I saw them because really, it’s not my place. It was all just by chance that I even saw them at all.

Maybe I’m an idiot for being so trusting with all that we’ve been through. God knows I spent enough time looking the other way before when I knew things weren’t right. Part of me feels like I should say something, should beg him to never so much as look at him again. But I can’t. And I won’t. And it’s all because I saw him smile.

Slide my fingers down the cool glass and stare out into the dim night. Everything seems so dark and drab under the soft reflection of the moon and somehow it suits my mood because with out him this is exactly what my world would be. Colorless and empty. And that’s exactly why I won’t push him. I won’t risk everything I have over petty jealousy no matter how valid it could be. Dale was happy and if rekindling that…"friendship" makes him happy…I won’t stop him. Even if I should.

Maybe I’m a fool, but if I am I’m a fool that just wants to see him happy. I swear I’d do anything to make sure that smile he’s been wearing all year stays on his face. I’d like to always be the one to put it there and I’d fight until my last breath to if only to give him what he wants. I just hope that’s always me.

Turn slowly and lean back against the window as I watch him sleep and I know if things could only stay just like this I’d never have to doubt. But we can’t stay locked away forever. The world will press in and try us over and over and over again. He’ll grow restless and I’ll try to hold my tongue but really…do I have to worry about this now?

Cross the room in a few steps and slide under the covers just like I’ve done more times than I can remember. He reaches for me the instant I move towards him and it’s moments like this I know this is the only place I’ll ever belong. Pull the covers up over us until I’ve cocooned us both and I don’t even have to see his face to know he’s smiling even if he is half asleep. It won’t belong before he’s too hot and throws the covers back but until he does I just press as tight to him as I can to soak up this time that’s just ours.

"Love you," I whisper soft under my breath and he tugs me even closer as he presses a soft kiss to my lips. His actions alone are enough to tell me what I need to hear and my eyes flutter closed as I feel his hand run over my hair in a gentle caress.

He is my world. How could I not do everything I can to make him happy?

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com