My Butterfly

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Summary: “I’ll support her no matter what catches her fancy…”

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG
CHARACTER: Jeff Gordon, Ella Sofia Gordon, Jeff POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #48 (#23 for me) - Horoscope
COMPLETED: June 22, 2007
WORD COUNT: 1,010
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To the new parents and their beautiful baby girl.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my take on Jeff and his new fatherhood the day after Ella’s birth when he had to leave for Sonoma to race.
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New York Hospital Room: June 21st, 2007

Gemini.

My baby girl is a Gemini, or at least, that’s what some of Ingrid’s books tell me.  And I’ve read them all.  Twice.  Even three times maybe.  Anything to be ready to take care of my beautiful girls.

Stand in the doorway to the small hospital room and I can see them both on the bed, seemingly asleep.  God, I’m so glad I have this time with them.  I wish I could just stay here with them, like this, forever.  But I have to leave today and I’m not even close to ready.  Move across the dimly lit room and smile down at my beautiful girls again.

They say you aren’t supposed to share your bed with your baby.  That it causes attachment issues with a dozen different consequences.  But as I look down at them right now I can’t imagine how this could possibly be wrong.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything look so right.  But…I really want to do everything right.

Lean down and slowly pick up my beautiful little Ella, pausing only to brush a soft kiss across Ingrid’s lips as she almost wakes.  But my touch seems to be enough to comfort her back to sleep…and that still amazes me.  I swear my life has never been this perfect and I just want to capture this moment and make it last forever.

Smile softly at her once more and then turn my attention to the tiny bundle that squirms slightly in my arms.  Her beautiful blue eyes are still closed but I watch in amazement as she sucks lightly at her lower lip.  Absolutely everything about her mesmerizes me in a way nothing ever has.  I still have a hard time believing all of this is real.  But it is, and I need to keep everything just like this.

Perfect.

Slowly sit down in the chair next to the bassinet, all within reach of the bed.  Neither of us can imagine being away from her for a second so we’ve asked to set up a temporary nursery in here.  I have no doubt we’ll do the same thing in our own bedroom once we get home.  I know well have to put her in her own room eventually but right now I can’t even think about it.  Now I just want to study my little baby girl.

I watch as her tiny hand curls around my finger and my heart hurts from loving her so much.  This is why I tried so hard to be ready.  This is why I read everything I could get my hands on, talked to every father in the garage and tried to soak up every bit of information I could.  I just want to be prepared, but as I look at my tiny little girl I wonder if I really am.

It’s those stupid books of hers that has me even more worried than I already was.    Oh there’s the general concerns, am I going to be a good father?  Will I make the right decisions?  Can I raise her around racing without making her feel like it’s expected or even wanted?  I want her to be her.  Just her.  I don’t want to force anything on her ever.  But, honestly, it’s those concerns I can deal with.  It’s the stupid things Ingrid’s books brought up that really scare me.

What if I don’t understand her?

May 22 to June 21…can that really define what kind of person you are?  I mean…really?  She was breech and we had to come in yesterday instead of waiting...could that have completely changed who she’d become?  I wanted to be here, needed to be here.  Is that my fault, could my racing career define her on a fundamental level?  Or am I just worrying over nothing?  Why can’t I get that stupid book out of my mind?

“Gemini subjects take nothing seriously.  They are superficial, light-hearted, cool, flirtatious and unimaginative in the understanding of the pain they may give others.”

I look down at my precious baby girl even as the words run through my mind and all I can think is they’ve got it wrong.  But…what if they don’t?

“The sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory…this produces the virtue of versatility, and the vices of two-facedness and flightiness.”

Gaze down at my tiny bundle and stare into her beautiful blue eyes as they open slowly to look at me before falling closed again.  She’s perfect, not two-faced and superficial.  Feel her soft little hand squeeze my finger and I just can’t believe it.  She’s perfect.  Everything about her is perfect.

“They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower.”

But what if I’m wrong?  What if she is a free spirit, unable to focus on anything?  Can I relate to that?  I’ve known what I wanted to be practically from the day I could walk and I went after it with a single-mindedness that shut out everything but my own goals.  Determination?  Consistency?  Drive?  These are all things that define me.  How can I possibly relate to someone so different?  What if I don’t understand my baby girl at all?
 
Smile when she makes a small cooing sound, unable to help myself, and I suddenly don’t care.  If she wants to be a little butterfly then I will give her a thousand flowers to keep her attention.  I’ll support her no matter what catches her fancy and I’ll try to make sure she finds whatever will make her heart content.

Lean down to kiss my beautiful little Ella on the forehead and try to steal a few more moments with her, a few more memories to take with me to California.  Her picture’s in my phone now, but I know I won’t even need it.  This image is burned in my memory for ever.

My Ella.

My beautiful, beautiful butterfly.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com