Judas

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Judas

Summary: Jimmie faces the consequences of his actions in December.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Jimmie Johnson/Jeff Gordon implied, Jimmie POV
CATEGORY: Angst
COMPLETED: June 14, 2005
WORD COUNT: 2,228
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: After last December this has been running through my head on and off and last night Jimmie just wouldn’t shut up. So, here’s an idea at what could have been.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hendrick Motorsports, January 2005

I watch them walk in together, joking and laughing, talking about their latest “trip” and I should look away. I shouldn’t stand here and watch. Not when it’s causing the ever-present knife in my heart to twist and cut deeper. But I won’t look away. I don’t deserve to.

Not after what I’ve done.

I watch as he smiles at him, and I can tell by the sparkle in his eyes he’s teasing him about something. I’d know that mischievous glint anywhere. I had plenty of time to learn everything about him. And I did. I studied him, memorized every single detail about him the way Chad does the cars. Not that it matters now. But I can’t believe what I see.

Part of me wonders if there’s something going on there, the way he easily puts his hand on his arm. But I know there’s not. Not yet anyway. No, they’re just friends…the way we used to be. And, God, do I miss it. I miss it all. The way he used to look at me that way, giving me his entire attention, as if I was the only person in the world. Making me feel like I was something special, something precious. Kinda the way I’m sure he’s doing for Brian right now. But he doesn’t look at me that way anymore. And I know he never will again. Not after I betrayed him. Betrayed us.

I just didn’t think he’d get over me so fast, to be honest, and part of me hates him for it. Part of me hates him for not falling apart and wallowing in despair. Didn’t three fucking years mean anything to him? But I have no right to even think that…because I know what I did to him. And I can’t even tell him why.

For awhile, I swear, I had the perfect life. I had an amazing career, an unbelievable team, and love. I had love until I threw it all away. But it wasn’t my fault. Can’t he see that? Can’t he see what I can’t say? Why can’t he look into my eyes and read me like he has so many times before? I shake my head slightly because it wouldn’t change a thing. It would just hurt him more, hurt him in ways he probably wouldn’t be able to move on from…and I’ll do anything to keep that from happening. That’s why I did it after all.

To protect him.

And I can’t even tell him.

No, instead I’ll stand on the sidelines and suffer in silence as he moves on with his life. As he finds happiness where ever he can. At least maybe one of us will end up happy. I just wish I could have found another way. But there wasn’t one. I got careless, and it ended up costing me the only thing I ever wanted.

Him.

I purse my lips and force myself to look over to them again. Since when did those two get so comfortable with each other? Then I hear his laugh and feel the knife turn again, digging ever deeper. I never knew I’d miss the little things so much. But he never laughs around me like that anymore. That beautiful carefree sound that always gave me a warm feeling inside and never failed to bring a smile to my lips. How am I going to go the rest of my life without it?

Because I have to, I tell myself again. Just like I do every single fucking day. I tell myself how I had no choice. That I did it for him. I just wish he didn’t hate me for it. But if he knew…if he knew he’d try to do something about it, even if it cost him everything. And I won’t allow him to do that. So I made the choice. I made the decision for us both and I’m going to have to find a way to live with it.

I just didn’t know it would be this hard.

I suddenly have to catch my breath as he finally seems to notice me and I meet those endless blue eyes that used to be my entire world. I have to admit, that has to be what I miss the most. His eyes. The way they would darken with desire, dance with laughter, sparkle with pride…for me. But now they’re so cold. Blue ice is all I ever see when he looks at me. It’s a look I had never even seen before. Not even the bitch got that look after everything she did. But that’s not really too surprising. I know he’s never given it to anyone else…because I created it.

I give him a weak smile, hoping that maybe, somehow I can melt the ice just a fraction. But he just narrows his eyes slightly and nods to me with only the barest hint of a completely fake smile plastered across his face. He hates me. And I don’t blame him. I just wish I could make him understand.

I see him look away quickly as if he can’t even stand the sight of me and turn to Brian again. And I feel a part of me die a little bit more. He’d get rid of me if he could, of that I have no doubt. But he won’t. He won’t destroy everything he and Rick have built the last three years…not even to get rid of me. But I know he would if he could and that honestly makes it hurt even worse.

I’m nothing to him anymore. Nothing but business. An employee. I doubt he’d even want to classify me as a teammate anymore. Not after the way I betrayed him. Teammates, friends, lovers don’t do what did. But it’s all too late now.

Still, I never expected him to “move on” so fast. I guess I actually am a pretty good actor after all because I knew he’d never let me go. He knew how much I loved him. He knew he was my entire world. So I had to make him believe it was all nothing but lies. I had to make him believe it never meant a thing, and at first he wouldn’t. At first he asked, begged, pleaded with me to tell him what was wrong. What happened to make me turn on him.

So then I had to get cruel. I had to convince him, make him believe the lie…even though a part of me never thought he would. A part of me honestly thought he’d never give up, that he’d see through the entire charade and find a way to make it all end. But I did my job too well. I flaunted it in front of him like a cold, calculated, evil bastard. Which honestly…is exactly what I am. So I won. I made him believe it all.

But I’ll take the pain I saw in his eyes to my grave.

That I will never forget. I won’t let myself forget. I can’t. That’s why every time I see him with someone else, every time he gives me the icy stare, every time I want to be mad at him for getting on with his life…I force myself to remember. I force myself to see those pain-filled eyes. See the pain that I caused. And I do it every single day.

I lean against the wall of the shop and watch them walking over to one of his cars to talk to Robbie and feel the jealousy rise in me again. But I push it back. I push it back and force myself to remember the way he turned to me when I put on my act, broken with unshed tears in his eyes. I revile the agony in his voice as he begged me for the one thing I couldn’t give him. The one thing I know he honestly deserved that he’ll never know. Every day I force myself to remember when he turned to me, telling me if I ever gave a damn about him at all to tell him just one thing.

Jimmie, why?

I can still hear the words ring in my ears. Still hear the pain and betrayal. And I mocked him for it. I let my voice turn cold as ice. I had to make him hate me, so I did. I had to make him see me as the most vile thing on this Earth.

You don’t even deserve to know.

He had no answer for that. And he never asked again. To be honest, that was the last time he ever looked at me without hatred in his eyes. After that, it was over. Done. With six little words I destroyed every single moment of happiness we ever had together. I made it all meaningless and cheap. And even though I know I’ll cherish every second we ever had together, it will never be the same. Not when I know the same memories that have become my existence…sicken him.

I can see it. I really did learn him well after all. I can see the disgust on his face, that no one else ever would, when he looks at me. He disguises it so well. But he can’t fool me. You can’t lie to a liar. And I must be the best liar there is because I’m dying and no one even sees.

Why did it all have to end this way? Why did she have to find out? She was just supposed to be a “cover.” Just like her friend. Someone we could go out with for appearances. She wasn’t supposed to figure it all out. She wasn’t supposed to threaten to destroy him if I didn’t give her what she wanted. Why couldn’t she have just wanted money? I’d have given her everything. But it wasn’t enough. I “made a fool of her” and now she’s bound and determined to make me pay for it for the rest of my life.

I look down at my feet and sigh to myself, seeing the golden evidence of my ultimate betrayal on my hand and wonder if she’ll ever let me go. But I already know the answer. She won’t. She wants the life I can give her, no matter that it’s nothing but a cheap, empty charade. But at least I know if I continue to live the lie…he’ll be safe.

I lift my head and glance over to him again, seeing him run his hand over the roof of his car, as he grins at Robbie and remember one of the last conversations we had before my “blessed event.” He came to me one afternoon with phone numbers for a lawyer, all but demanding I sign a pre-nup before I walked down the aisle. I have to smile at the irony because I knew it would be meaningless. Hell, I had already offered to give her everything I had if she would just go away. That’s not what she wanted. She wanted the “life.”

When he did come to me though, it was the first time we had been alone together for months, and I was hoping maybe, somehow he had started to forgive me. That maybe he was doing it because he cared. Because he still loved me. But I’ll never forget his icy words when I asked him why.

It’s nothing but business, Johnson.

And I don’t know what hurt worse. The fact that he was only concerned about making sure she didn’t come back later and make his and Rick’s life hell the way his bitch did…or because he didn’t even call me by my name.

Johnson.

He’s never called me that. Not even after we first met. It’s always been “Jimmie.” And, God, do I miss how my name sounded on his lips. Not like something horrible and vile that he can barely bring himself to say. But now, unless we’re around others that might notice the difference, that’s all he’ll call me. But I remember a time, a time when it was all different. A time when I was “his boy.”

But I’ll never be his again.

He’ll never smile at me and laugh. He’ll never whisper my name under the cover of darkness. He’ll never call me with no notice to go to a game, or a trip, or show up at my place unannounced to go riding around on our bikes. Now he’ll do that with someone else. Maybe with Brian. Maybe with someone else, I don’t even know. All I know is I betrayed him…and that’s something he’ll obviously never forgive.

I watch as he turns my way again, leaning against his car and motioning with his hands…those beautiful, strong hands. He looks across the open shop at me again and I feel a chill run through me at the look in his eyes. I do my best to stand a little straighter, try to look a little less miserable. I still have to play the game. I still have to make sure he never knows the truth. Because I’ll never hurt him again. I’ll never let him know.

I just wish somehow, someday, I could let him know how sorry I am.

And that I’ll never stop loving him.

These authors spend lots of time to write these stories. If you took the time to read this PLEASE take the time to give them some feedback. Happy writers write more ;-)

Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com