I Know

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Summary: The heart always knows.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr/Kevin Harvick, Kevin POV
COMPANION PIECE TO: Where I Belong
COMPLETED: May 26, 2007
WORD COUNT: 1,649
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the companion piece to Where I Belong. This was always meant to be two fics set after the press conference Junior gave about leaving DEI. I really wanted these up sooner but, ah well. Better late than never, right?
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Post Press Conference at JRMotorsports - May 10th, 2007

You know, it’s times like this that I really begin to understand how much I’ve changed by being with him.  I never used to be one who could sit in silence.  I always had to fill it with a joke, sarcasm, or some snappy come back just so I didn’t have to endure an empty moment.  Maybe I was afraid of being vulnerable, of giving someone the chance to really see me.  Or maybe I just didn’t want to have to look inside myself.  I don’t know.  But as I look over his land and watch the sun set, as I just hold his hand, I suddenly realize that silence can be the most beautiful thing in the world.

A smile tugs at my lips as I turn to study his profile, as if I didn’t have every inch of him memorized already.  It’s been hard on him this season, especially the last few days.  But I know this all goes much further than a few sleepless nights.  He’s been waging a losing battle ever since his dad died, and what’s even worse…he’s known for the last two years he’d never succeed.

But in true “Earnhardt” fashion he tried anyway.  He tried to be the icon, the legacy, and carry a company all on his own…even when he wasn’t appreciated for it.  He tried to please people he didn’t even know, do everything that was ever asked of him…and all he asked in return was to be competitive.  He had his team taken away, only to be returned after a wasted year.  He’s been run ragged by appearances until he finally put his foot down and still he was treated like the proverbial “redheaded step child” instead of the amazing person that he is.  He only asked to be treated like a driver--never for special treatment--but he couldn’t even get that.

And now, if he wants to spend all night long drinking beer and holding my hand in silence, I’ll give it to him.  I’d give him anything.

Run my thumb over the back of his hand and glance over at him again, smiling softly.  I’m so damn glad he did this his way.  So many others--probably even me--would have gone all “professional” to do what he’s done today.  They would have made everything impersonal with a finely tailored suit or freshly pressed shirt and slacks to deliver the cold hard news of their decision.

But not Dale.

Dale walked into the shop his daddy built just like he always has, as himself.  Plain cotton t-shirt, wrinkled button down hanging open and blues jeans signified nothing more than another day.  He didn’t try to distance himself from those he’s worked with for years with a fabricated appearance.  No, he came in letting the stress of this situation show with a week old red beard and eyes that revealed how little rest he’s really had.  He didn’t try to hide how hard this was for him from people who had been like family, and I wouldn’t have expected him to.  It’s all part of why I love him.

Squeeze his hand softly and smile again when I feel him squeeze mine back as the darkness starts to deepen around us, twilight slowly fading into the true black of night.  Sip at my long neck and let my thoughts drift, just trying to relax, but I can never turn my mind off for long.  Before I know it I’m going over everything I’ve heard since watching his press conference this morning.   This really isn’t going to be easy on him…or any of us.

The press, the fans, the world is already narrowing down the options and according to a lot of “sources” RCR could be considered a front runner…and I’m still sorting out how I feel about that.  Look down at our fingers intertwined and I know without a doubt I’d love for him to be my teammate.  I’d love the chance to see him even more, to really share everything with him, all the time.  But it’s not that simple, and I know it.

His coming to Childress would instantly change a lot of things, for us and the team.  Clint, Jeff and I have talked about it before--we’ve always known it could be a possibility--and for the most part they seem good with it.  But still, the balance would shift and probably not all in good ways.  That’s just the nature of bringing someone new into the mix.  Not to mention, could we really be lovers, competitors and teammates? 

A single look his direction is all I need to answer that question.  We could do anything together and there’s nothing I’d love more.  That’s not what’s bothering me.  It’s the other reasons I want him to come to RCR that I don’t completely feel right about.  The selfish reasons I can’t completely ignore.

Take a long drink, finishing off my beer before slipping my hand from his to open the cooler between us.  I pull out two new long necks as he finishes his own and then hand him a new one, a simple, easy ritual we’ve done countless times before.  Open my beer and then reach for his hand as he reaches for mine and lace our fingers once again.  There’s so damn much we share.  So why do I feel so selfish for wanting him to come to Childress?

Because you know it will finally get you out of the shadow, I tell my self silently and take another long drink of Budweiser.

I hate to admit it…but it’s true.  Since that day over six years ago we’ve both been living in a shadow so big it almost swallowed us both.  He has the name, the legacy, to live up to.  I still drive the man’s car, and even though it’s now yellow instead of black and silver…there’s still a 3 I have to face under the window every single time I crawl inside.  But if June came to RCR…all that could change.

Would they keep the number on my car if Dale Jr was driving a car in the same shop?  Would anyone even really care that my car used to be his if the boy came to drive for the same man his daddy did?  I tend to doubt it.  I’d finally be free. 

But…what if I don’t want to be free?

Oh I want to be out of the shadow, of that there is no doubt.  I couldn’t even win the Daytona 500 without having to dodge and parry question after question about winning the race that killed him in his car.  Six damn years and it’s still his damn car.  How the hell is that right? 

But Dale understood.  He understood every bit of it because he’s had to dance the same dance with the media for even longer than I have…and it’s all part of how we found each other.  I know him, better than probably anyone other than Kelley…even though sometimes I think I get one up on her.  I know how it feels to live in the shadow of a ghost, even though I’m only on the edge of it.  That’s why I wouldn’t change it…because he doesn’t deserve to have to stand alone.  I’ll stand beside him no matter what the cost, and I honestly wouldn’t change it for anything.

“How did you know?” he asks me softly, pulling me from my thoughts and I can’t help but smile.

“I know you,” I reply simply, giving his hand a squeeze. 

And I really, really do.  I knew he’d want to be alone, and I knew he’d shut out everyone once his obligations were finally met.  I knew he wouldn’t answer his phone at the shop or his cell, and that he’d convince himself that there wouldn’t be a person in the world he wanted to see.  But I also knew he’d be wrong.  He’s used to shutting himself off when the world gets too heavy on his shoulders.  So much so that he’s almost convinced himself that it’s what he really wants.

But I also knew he wouldn’t turn me away, that he’d welcome my support he didn’t even know he needed.  This isn’t the first time we’ve done this, and I have no doubt it won’t be the last.  This is why I don’t want to be free.  I’ll happily endure his burdens the same as he does mine, all because I love him.

I slowly turn to look at him and I’m met by the most beautifully expressive blue eyes I’ve ever seen, and suddenly all the whys and ifs and what could bes don’t matter.  All that matters is right now.  This instant.  One more moment in a lifetime of perfect moments I can only find with him.

He leans closer and I instinctively do the same, drawn by a force I’ve never once tried to fight.  He completes me on a level deeper than I ever thought possible.  I’ll be here for him, letting my heart lead the way because that is how I know him.  My heart reads him better than my mind ever could. 

“Kevin…”

His voice is soft and my heart instantly knows what he’s trying to say.  I’ve never even had a doubt.

“I know,” I murmur back, the words so easily falling from my lips.  “I love you too.”  And I do.  I really, really do.  Just like I know that in another moment the beers will be set aside and he’ll squeeze my hand, leading me up to our bed.  And he’ll show me with actions everything my heart already knows.  Then he’ll tell me the words that mean more than every race I’ve ever won.

But even if he didn’t…I’d already know.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com