For Always

Home : Stories by Catw00man : For Always

Summary: Junior muses over his first year at HMS and how he got there.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: NC-17
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr/Jeff Gordon, Dale Jr POV
PROMPT:Taming the Muse #122-124 (#15-17/18 for me 2nd run) - Thirst, Despair & Great minds...
COMPLETED: December 25, 2008
WORD COUNT: 5,481
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is a Christmas request written especially for luvjunebug8. This is actually a later fic in what may one day become a series. Until then though, please enjoy this noisy muse!
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Jeff’s Apartment – New York, NY – December 5th, 2008

No one believed me when I said I didn’t wanna go to the banquet.  Said it on my show for weeks, but I still don’t think anyone bought it.  Probably for the best.  One look from Rick let me know I shouldn’t have been so “honest.”  But he didn’t say anything.  No one did cause everyone who knows me knows it didn’t make a damn bit of difference.  I’d drive my heart out no matter what, even if I didn’t want the reward.

Everyone who knows me, everyone who races with me knows I don’t pull any punches.  I race every lap as hard as I can even if it means plowin’ up the fence.  That’s how I do things and I don’t see how anyone who listens on my radio could see it any different.  No matter if I’m screaming or bitching or gone quiet it’s all because I’m passionate about the sport.  Because I want to win.  I wanna get showered in beer and cheap champagne and see the happy faces of everyone I care about around me...none of which have anything to do with monkey suits and fancy ass banquets.

I would’ve driven that car into the ground in Homestead to win one more race.  But when the caliper broke and sent me behind the wall I didn’t bitch too much.  It was done.  It was over and I didn’t have to worry about it anymore.  My first season at HMS was in the books and even though it wasn’t what I’d hoped for...it was done.  I just wish I could be home right now instead of staring out over a city where I’ll never fit in.

At least I’m not at the banquet.

Run my hands over the cold, balcony railing and I should go inside.  But I ain’t ready to yet.  It’s nice enough he let me borrow his place during the “festivities,” but I’m not ready to mellow out yet.  The fans made sure I’d have to be here and I love them for it, even if I could’ve done without the world’s most boring ass luncheon.  I’m honored they think I’m the most popular driver, but honestly I’d trade it all in for one of those silver trophies I’ve never even touched.  Oh I’ve seen it plenty enough.  But I ain’t touching one until it’s mine.  Call it superstition, I don’t care.  But I ain’t playing with someone else’s trophy.

Rub my palms over the rail a little harder in a vain attempt to ward off the cold as the year plays through my mind.  Too many races that should’ve been top fives slipped away, too many top fives that should’ve been wins.  I let people down.  They won’t say it but I know I have.  I hit too many walls and blew too many tires and I know it ain’t all my fault.  But I’m the driver.  Lion share of the blame is mine to bear and I ain’t one to shirk it. 

Rick’s given me the best equipment and I know it.  People’d be fools to try and blame him.  I should’ve taken better advantage of what was given to me.  That’s why I didn’t want to be there tonight.  I didn’t want to celebrate not doing my best.  I don’t see the point.  What’s there to celebrate being ninth or tenth place anyway?  Let Kyle and Tony enjoy that “honor.”  That way Tony can say a proper goodbye and Kyle doesn’t look like as big of an idiot...if that’s even possible.

Tug the heavy leather jacket tighter around me and run my fingers down the golden embroidery.  Hope he doesn’t mind me wearing this.  He sure as hell didn’t the first time.  Lips curl into a smile when I remember that night and I wrap my arms a little tighter around myself.  Everything was so damn simple back then, even if Daddy had found out and got all pissed.  It never stopped us though.  Not then.  Looking back I don’t think it ever would have.  I can’t help but wonder what kind of a person I would’ve become.  Would I be the one with my third championship tonight?  Or could I have ever lived up?

Reach out and trace the wrought iron railing again and stare out over the city lights.  “City that never sleeps,” right?  Isn’t that what they call this place?  It works for him.  It always did.  And he was getting me into that scene, with the clubs and the fancy shit.  He knew people and he was busy introducing me to them all.  And I loved it...back then.  Funny how time changes everything.

Time was I know he would’ve brought me here and we’d have hit the town all night long.  If things had kept goin’ that way I might be the one with an apartment in the city.  But then 2001 came along and everything changed.  Everything was too hard after that and I couldn’t be the boy I was.  I had to be an Earnhardt.  I had to be the “Legacy,” or so I thought.  But above all I had to be away from him, and that was probably the worst of everything.

He always understood and to be honest I think he felt the same.  It was one thing going against Daddy’s wishes when he was here...but when he wasn’t I couldn’t do it.  Neither of us could.  It hurt like hell but I had to be who the world needed me to be and he had to move on with his life.  It hurt.  It hurt a fucking lot but you can’t change the past.

Wrap the red and black leather a little tighter around me and trace the 2001 Winston Cup logo with my nearly numb fingers.  At least he won it.  I could live with him winning it because I knew he understood.  No matter how mad Daddy was at him for being with me, he still respected him.  Hell, I think they’d have patched it up eventually...at least I like to think so.  But that’s a pipe dream in a world that’ll never be.

For so long I thought the only way to survive was to be on my own and he let me do that.  He never pushed or tried to butt into my life.  He let me go when I needed it and looking back I think it makes me love him more.  He let me grow up, to change, to become less and less like him but in the end...he’s the one who came and rescued me from the fucking joke DEI became.  Everyone thinks it was Rick and it’s probably for the best because no one would ever understand the truth.

Slide my hand down the sleeve of the stiff leather and I wonder if he’s ever worn this after the ‘01 media blitz.  Does anyone?  They give us these as rewards but you never see anyone wearing them around.  I think that’s why I like wrapping up in this.  It’s almost like getting away with something you’re not supposed to.  Not to mention it signifies something so special I can’t even put it into words.  One of these days I’ll have my own championship jacket and there’s gonna be one person I wanna see wearing it, even if it has to be behind closed doors.

I wonder how the banquet’s going.  Hopefully Jimmie won’t fuck up his speech...again.  I thought I was bad with public speaking but sometimes that guy takes the cake.  I need to send him a text, congratulate him again.  Guess I’ll do that when I get back inside, once I thaw out enough that is.  I wonder if it’s all the same as last year, if Jeff’ll be all emotional again when he congratulates Jimmie and his team in his speech.  He always tends to get choked up at these things.  Pity he can’t be sitting it out with me because if anyone would rather stay home as much as me it has to be him.  If he’s not on that stage, it feels like a waste.  Too bad we can’t both get away with skipping out again.

Slow smile crosses my face because I know they made the “mandatory banquet attendance rule” for us.  Still can’t believe we both copped out the same year but hell, can you blame us?  I’m sick of sitting there blowing smoke up NASCAR’s ass and I know he can’t stand it when he’s not the one getting the big check.  He’s been there, four times.  It’s no wonder he doesn’t like being reminded he’s still on his quest for five.  He’ll get it though.  Just like I’ll get mine.

Reach out for the rail and lean against it, looking down at the city streets below.  I’d give about anything to be back in Mooresville right now.  Could be all wrapped up by a nice warm fire...if I weren’t staying in that damn loft.  Grimace because even home isn’t home right now.  Not until I get the new house built and the winter isn’t exactly major construction time.  Nah, maybe I can get him to let me build a fire in his new place in Charlotte.  It’ll be close enough to home and the company will be just right.

For years I wondered if he still thought about me in the same way.  I knew he moved on and after some time we were friends in the garage again.  Just not close friends.  But we weren’t expected to be, considering we’re supposed to be rivals and all.  If they only knew.  But then he finally went and did the one thing only he could.  He broke Daddy’s record and I couldn’t stay away.

I still can’t believe it was at Dega.  Of all places in the world, I never expected it to be there.  At least it wasn’t Daytona.  I don’t know if any of us would’ve been ready for that.  But it was Dega, doing Daddy’s kind of racin’, where he got his last win.  It was emotional enough and when he drove around with the 3 flag they said he’d been saving...I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore.  The world saw me greet him in his car in Victory Lane.  What they didn’t see was me waiting for him by his coach once everyone else was gone.  I needed to be with someone who understood...and no one’s ever understood like he does.

I’d wanted to go to him before, especially when it started to feel like DEI was crushing me.  But how could I?  Too much time had passed.  I was supposed to be able to handle it.  It was supposed to be mine.  But no matter what I did...I was still the spoiled, redheaded step child.  I tried to be reasonable with her because she made my Daddy happy, but I was so tired of being used just because I was family.  I was tired of bending and bending and bending because I knew I was going to break.  And when he drove around with that flag...I didn’t even think.

Just like me he’s usually one of the first out of the motorcoach lot after a race.  But that weekend was different.  I know I shocked the shit out of him showing up like I did but I couldn’t help it.  I was so afraid he’d have something better to do.  Surely he had someone better to be with to celebrate, and since I wasn’t exactly in the celebrating mood I shouldn’t have been there at all.  When he finally showed up I almost just congratulated him and left.  But then he saw me.  Then he knew.  And when he called me “Junebug” again I lost it.

I couldn’t say what time it was when we finally left the track but I know it was early the next morning and neither of us slept a wink.  There was too much to catch up on, too much to say, and we did say it all.  Years of holding it all in and it all poured out in one long night and he helped me to see...everything that was missing.  He helped me put it all in perspective.  I knew I was leaving DEI the minute I walked out of his coach.  I just didn’t know he’d be coming back to me a few weeks later to give me a “tour” of HMS.  He knew I was thirstin’ to win and he knew all the right buttons to push, even though he didn’t have to.

All he’d have to have said was that he wanted to me back…but he never played that card.  He wouldn’t.  He let it be all business when I came and was led around almost like a stranger.  I’ve known Rick ever since I was a kid and there were times I played around his shop way back when.  But this was different.  This was all business and I could see in an instant why they won so many races.  Hendrick’s was hard core.  It was exactly what I wanted…and he knew it.

He didn’t make a big deal when everyone else was around, but I know he played a big part in setting it all up.  I could see it in the way he and Rick would look at each other when they thought I wasn’t looking.  To be honest, knowing him, I probably never had a chance, not once I let him back in.  But I can’t say I minded.  Still he stayed out of the way and let Rick and everyone give me the whole tour until I knew there wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to be.  It was like coming home in a way and I’m glad he let me see it on my own.

He knew I wouldn’t be happy with any decision that was made for me.  I’d had too much of that in my life.  I wasn’t the same young rookie and he knew it.  I think that’s why he didn’t make a move on me until my mind was already made up.  And by the end of the tour, when I ended up in the garage with him all alone, he knew what I was going to do…even if I wasn’t admitting it yet.  Slow smile crosses my face as I remember the stolen kisses by his gleaming 24 car.  That’s when everything started to spiral--

“Junebug?”

Hear the door closing behind him and I can’t believe he’s already back.  Have I really been out here that long?  Feel his arms wrap around me and I lean back against him.  “Heeeey, banquet go alright?  Johnson keep from making a total ass out of himself this year?”

“It’s Jimmie.  What do you expect?”  Grin as he nuzzles against my neck and tightens his arms around me.  “Damn Bug, how long have you been out here?  You’re freezing.”

I really do love it when he calls me that.  Chuckle softly and reach behind me, tugging at his shirt so I can brush my cold fingers across his stomach.  He jumps back and I end up laughing more.  “What’s wrong Jeffy?  Can’t handle the cold?”

He smiles slowly at me and I get the chance to really look at him.  Damn if the man doesn’t look good in a tux.  His shirt’s all untucked in front from my teasing him, but honestly I think it makes him look hotter.  “I think you know what I can handle,” he purrs at me and comes closer, hands reaching out and grabbing me by his championship jacket I’m wearing.  Feel his eyes run over me as his hands slide down the stiff leather.  He tugs me close against him and his voice takes on the sultry tone that’s always made my stomach do flip flops.  “You still look good in my jacket.”

“Hope you know I’m looking forward to seeing you in mine.”  See his face light up at my words but I don’t give him a chance to answer.  Not this time.  Press my lips to his and slip my hands under his tuxedo jacket.  Wrap my arms around him and pull him closer as I deepen the kiss.  Feel his hand slide behind my neck, tugging me down a little more and I smile into the kiss.  Leave it to the champ to always need to be in control, even now.

“Your time is coming, Junebug.  I have no doubt about it.”  Deep blue eyes the color of twilight meet mine and I shiver, but not from the cold.  He slides his hands inside the heavy leather jacket and I can’t help but tremble again.  “Let’s get you inside before you completely freeze.” 

Nod to him and follow him inside but stop short when I see the champagne chilling by the bed.  Glance around to make sure we’re alone and ask, “What’s the champagne for?  Johnson or someone coming over to celebrate?”  I know he’s not even as I say it.  Jimmie’s a nice enough guy, but with his and Jeff’s history, and mine and Jeff’s history, the three of us don’t usually spend a lot of time together.

“What?  No, no one’s here but us.”  He turns to me again and takes my hand, running his thumb over my palm in a gesture that’s so intimate and so him.  “You think I’d share you tonight?”  The smoldering look he shoots me takes care of any questions I have about anyone else, but still.  Champagne?  Look to him and he’s already answering my unasked question.  “I wanted to celebrate your first year at Hendrick.  Your first year as my teammate.”

He tugs at me to pull me closer but I take a half a step back and chew on the inside of my lip.  I’m glad the season is over.  I’m glad I didn’t have to be bored out of my mind at the banquet…but I should’ve been.  I should’ve been top five at least.  I should be all dressed up fancy like he is instead of wearing  jeans, a sweat shirt and his championship jacket.  “I dunno, Jeff.  Dunno if I should be ‘celebrating.’“

Try to turn away but then his hand is at my arm preventing me from walking away.  “Junebug, stop.”  his hand tightens on my arm and I think about pulling away, until he speaks again, softer than before.  “Look at me.  Please.” 

As if I can deny him.

Reluctantly turn to face him and I can easily read the concern on his face.  He always lets his guard down more with me.  The world has seen him crack, seen him get emotional on occasion, but no one sees what I see.  It’s different.  It’s a whole ‘nother level.  And it’s all mine.  “I’m sorry, Jeffy.  I just…I shoulda been there tonight.”

“You made the Chase, Dale.  You won.  That’s everything we were hoping for.”  His hands run down the edges of the jacket and tug me closer until I’m completely facing him.  “That’s more than I managed to do.  Besides, you hate these fancy things.”  He gives the jacket another tug and I can’t help the smile that curls at my lips because he’s right.  It still stings but I did get three champagne baths this year.  Speaking of…that gives me an idea.

Glance over at the champagne by the nightstand and my smile turns into a full on grin.  I see a flash of surprise on his face and I don’t blame him.  I don’t usually turn on a dime like this.  But I’ve spent too many years of my life wrapped up in my own despair.  Not anymore.  Not when we’re both here, safe, with a whole night in front of us. 

“You’re right.”  His eyes change at my words and the sultry smile of his I’ve never been able to resist spreads across his face. That look could turn me inside out eight years ago and now is no different.  I thought I was such hot shit back then, but he put me in my place…in more ways than one.  “I think, maybe, we aught to do some celebratin’.”  Walk forward and back him towards the bed as I speak and I can feel him tugging at the jacket pulling me even closer.

Leather creaks again as he holds on and I’m the only thing keeping him from falling onto the bed.  Lean forward so he bends back over it a little more and kiss him again deeper than before.  I’ve wasted too much time the last few years worrying about who I need to be or what other people think of me.  I tried to live up to what the world wanted me to be, what Daddy wanted me to be.  But that’s not me and I’m tired of livin’ by others’ standards.

This wasn’t the best season in the world, it wasn’t as good as it should’ve been.  But it was a hell of a lot better than last year and not because of the lack of blown engines.  It was because of the blue eyes staring deeply into mine.  It was because when I went to the shop I finally felt wanted instead of expected.  I’m not the stupid punk kid people still saw me as at DEI.  I’m just Junior.  Just Junebug.  And that’s all I ever want to be.

“You ok?” he asks with an inquisitive look on his face and I know he’s gotta be wonderin’ what I’m thinking.  He’s told me before I look like there’s gears turning in my head when I get to thinkin’ so I know he’s reading me like a book.  I have no doubt he’d understand all of this if I felt like explaining, but now isn’t the time for words.  Maybe later.  Right now all I want is him.

“Yeah, Jeffy.  Everything’s…perfect.”  Slow smile spreads across his face and I take a half step back, tugging him with me by his jacket.  Run my hands over his chest then push the tuxedo jacket over his shoulders and to the floor.  Kiss my way down his neck and then gaze into his eyes as I unbutton his fine cotton shirt and add it to the growing pile along with his tie and shining cufflinks.  He really does look good in all this fancy shit, and I do like unwrapping him like a Christmas present, but in my opinion he always looked best in nothing at all.

Pull back to shake out of the heavy jacket but when I do he stops me from tossing it to the side.  Instead he pulls it away from me and lays it on the bed, shooting me a devilish smile.  “Will you put it back on?” he asks as he slips his hands under my sweatshirt and slowly pushes it up my chest.  I chuckle at his words but the look in his eyes has my stomach doing flip flops again.  For an instant I feel like that naïve, young rookie who would’ve done anything and everything to keep his attention.  I guess even after all these years I haven’t changed much because I’ll still do anything for him and he can still turn me to jell-o with just a look.

“Yeah, if you want.”  Raise my arms for him to pull off my shirts and then press closer to him as cool air hits my bare skin.  “Hate to get it all messed up though.”  Slide my hands down his sides and then trace along his belt to the buckle, easily undoing it as I kiss along his jaw.

“Doesn’t matter.  It’s already been covered in champagne once.”  His hands slide over my ass, giving it a squeeze and a smile crosses my lips as I suck at his neck.

“You just like to see me in something that belongs to you.”  Unhook his pants and slide them over his hips leaving him a pair of dark colored boxers that do nothing to hide how much he wants me.  Press my body against him as he shoves my jeans down and glance over at the rumpled finery on the floor.  He kicks his pants into the pile and a bolt of desire shoots through me.  I don’t know why it strikes me as erotic but it does and I kiss him hard.  Maybe it’s something about seeing his fancy lifestyle all tossed aside to be with me.  I don’t know.  All I know is that it makes me want him more.

Press him back down onto the bed and practically climb on top of him wanting to be closer.  Feel his hands running over me, more aggressive than before and I groan low when he rocks his hips up against mine.  “I do like seeing you in my jacket,” he pants against my ear before sucking at my earlobe.  “I like seeing that you’re mine, and no one else’s.”

“I am yours, Jeffy.  I think I’ve always been.”  Hear him moan low at my words and I know this could all be over way too fast.  I think we’ve both been waiting for this all night even if we haven’t admitted it.  But he still needs a celebration, and I’m going to give it to him.  Lean up a little bit and pull back when he tries to tug me back down.  “Hang on, hang on.  I ain’t going nowhere.”  Grin at him broadly as I pick up his jacket and tug it back on.  “You missed out on somethin’ this year and I’m gonna make sure you get it.”

“Wha--?” is all he manages to get out before I grab the champagne and pop the cork, holding it so the over flowing bubbles trickle down over his chest.  He jumps in surprise and from the cold I’m sure but I won’t let him be cold for long.  Not when he looks so damn hot spread out on the bed like that covered in champagne.  Straddle him again then lean down and start lapping up the sweet champagne made even sweeter by the taste of him.

“You deserved a Victory Lane shower this year, Jeffy.  You deserved to celebrate and now…”  Pull back to meet his eyes and give him a broad grin.  “I’m gonna make sure you do.”  Take a long drink from the bottle but don’t swallow it all down.  The rest I save for him as I slide up his body and kiss him slowly, letting him drink some of the sweet wine from my lips.  Kiss him deeper when he threads his fingers through my hair and rubs the back of my neck.  I love it when he touches me like that.  It feels like he’s trying to possess me and there’s nothing in the world I want more.

Break the kiss only when I have to breathe and gaze into his eyes for a long moment before trickling some more champagne over his neck and sucking it off.  “You know something, Junebug…” he murmurs against my ear and I practically purr at his name for me.  Keep kissing his neck and make an inquisitive sound against his skin to get him to go on.  “If I had made it to Victory Lane this year, I wouldn’t have been the only one getting covered in champagne.”

It takes a moment for his words to register and when they do I pull back a little to look at him curiously.  But that must’ve been exactly what he was waiting for because when I do he grabs the bottle form me and uses his legs to flip me over all at the same time.  Blink in surprise when I’m suddenly staring up at him and grin when he trickles the cold champagne over my chest.  Shiver when he leans down to drink the cool liquid from my chest and I reach up to run my fingers through his hair.  “Mmm, you just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

Soft chuckle at my ear as he responds, “You know how it is when you’ve been the Champion, get used to having your own way.  Hard habit to break.”  He tries to hide it but I can hear the trace of bitterness in his words.  It’s been a long time.  Too long.  And I know he’s been taking it harder than anyone knows.

“You’ll always be the Champion to me, Jeffy.  Always.”  He sits up at my words and for a moment he just watches me.  Time was I would’ve wondered if I’d said something wrong.  But I know better now.  Unlike me he actually thinks before he acts and if someone, many times me, throws a curve at him he doesn’t just toss it aside.  It’s one of the things I love about him.  He’s always listening to you.

“I really do love you, Junebug.” 

How is it my heart still feels like it stops at those words?  Reach up and pull him down, wrapping my arms around him as I answer his sweet words with a kiss.  It’s always easier this way for me.  Back then I could never find the words at all.  Now I just need to cloak them in the passion I always feel for him.  “Love you too, Jeffy,” I whisper against his lips and before I know it he’s tugging my boxers down my legs.  Time always spins so fast when I’m with him and now is no different.  Spread my legs at his gentle insistence and I’m lost to his touch.  Each and every caress sends me further and further into ecstasy until finally I feel him sliding hard and hot inside me.

“Junebug, fuck, yesssss” he hisses and brings me right back to him.  Watch him, sexy as all hell, on top of me and I bend my legs and raise my hips so he can get deeper.  Nothing is like him.  No one can touch him.  No one ever has.  People always wondered why I looked so lost for so long.  It’s because I was looking for this everywhere but here.

Groan loudly when he’s completely buried inside and then jump when cold splashes across my neck.  It’s followed by his hot and hungry mouth and only then do I remember the champagne.  I feel like I’m wrapped up in a perfect cocoon of warmth between his hard body and the heavy leather jacket and all I want is more.  Rock my hips upward to urge him on but I know better.  He has his own plan in mind and nothing I’m gonna do is gonna change it.  He shifts his body, thrusting deeper again and then captures my lips in a kiss mixed with champagne.  It’s not as cold now, warmed by his mouth, but I swear it’s sweeter than any I’ve ever had.  Shit, how am I ever gonna drink it in Victory Lane again without remembering this?

“Fuck, Jeffy, you’re ruinin’ me.  Ruinin’ me completely.”  Throw my head back as he kisses down my neck and rock my hips upward with every slow thrust.  He’s already got me so wound up I’m completely at his mercy.  I know he’s playing me at will…and I don’t mind at all.

“Good.  Then you’ll always be mine.”  Catch the possessive flash in his eyes, just for an instant, before he finally ends the teasing and thrusts into me hard.  Arch back against the bed because, fuck yes, that’s what I wanted.  Claw against the sheets until he takes my cock in his hand, still cool from the champagne bottle, and I can’t hold back my scream of pleasure.

“Yes, fuck yes, Jeffy.  Yours.  Always, always yours.”  Somewhere I hear his happy murmurs at my words but it’s all lost to me under my own cries.  I’ve never understood how he could turn things so fast from slow and sweet to hot and out of control but I’m still at his mercy.  Reach out for him, my hands on his shoulders as he pounds me harder, harder, until I’m about to split in two.  But just before I crack the wave hits and all I know is the sound of my own voice screaming his name.

Comforting weight on top of me and warm breath against my neck.  Slide my hand over his sweat soaked skin and I feel his soft lips brush mine.  I thought nothing could ever be better than the first time I tried on one of his Championship jackets years and years ago.  I was wrong.  We were too young then, too stupid.  But now….

“Love you, Junebug.  Always.”

“Love you too, Jeffy.  For always.”

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com