Four Hours

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Four Hours

Summary: Even saying goodbye has consequences.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: NC-17
CHARACTER: Casey Mears/Jeff Gordon, Jeff Gordon/Jimmie Johnson implied, Casey POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #55 (#30 for me, yeah I’m a Goddess) - Hello Darkness
COMPLETED: August 10, 2007
WORD COUNT: 3,460
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place after Jeff spends those Four Days with Jimmie in New York. This is set Friday after he and Jimmie made it to Michigan for the next race.
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I still can’t believe I let him go. 

I know this is all still new.  I know that they have a long history together.  I’ve been around for most of it.  And I know how much Johnson hurt him when he finally went and married Channy.  I was standing there with them both when he put the ring on her finger, and I saw how the light in those deep, blue eyes seemed to go out.

But I’ve also seen it come back…every time he looks at me.

And I thought it was enough, that I was enough…even though I knew it wasn’t over.  There was too much left undone.  There was too much pain left between them, too much left unsaid.  I’ve known Jimmie over half my life and he’s never once left anything unfinished.  I always knew he’d come back.  I just didn’t want to believe it.  I just wanted it to be too little, too late.  And at first…I thought it was.

It was my coach he was resting in when he finally got away from the infield care center.  It was my bed he was laying on when the race ended and I finally got to him, and it was my arms that held him, making sure he was ok.  But he knew he’d come.  He told me almost immediately.  And he told me he had to make things right, that we couldn’t keep this up until he did…especially since we’re about to be teammates running out of the same shop.  So I let him go.

I just didn’t know it’d be four days before I heard from him again.

They went to New York, and I swear I should have seen it all coming.  They went back to where it all started between them, and I didn’t even have to see his face to know what all must have happened.  I knew Johnson would come back for him, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist him.  I’ve had four long days to think about everything they were probably doing to each other so I know I wasn’t exactly level headed when he finally showed up at my coach.  So am I really wrong for sending him away in a rage?

Run my hand over my freshly buzzed hair and feel the short prickles scratch at my palm.  Did he really expect me to just sit here and wait while he wined and dined Jimmie in the city?  Did he really think that it wouldn’t matter that they fucked each other’s brains out behind my back?  But it really wasn’t behind my back…was it?  I told him to go.  Glance over at my phone on the end table and bite my lip.  And it’s not like I really didn’t hear from him at all.  I know I could open that phone and find a dozen text messages telling me how he missed me and how he’d see me soon…how he loved me and wanted to make things right….

Turn away, unable to face the proof any longer and pace in the small coach.  Jimmie’s old coach.  Fuck.  Is my whole life Jimmie’s fucking hand-me-down?  I followed him in off road.  I followed him to NASCAR.  I’ve followed him to HMS and now I’ve even taken up with his old lover…or is it current lover?

Shit.

Stalk over to the small fridge and pull open the door.  Reach into the freezer and pull out an ice cold bottle of Jagermeister and take a drink straight from the bottle.  I knew Jimmie would come for him.  I just knew it.  I knew Jeff would go back to him and I’d just be cast aside…except…that’s not what happened…is it?

Take another long drink from the bottle and look to the door, remembering when he came in desperate to see me.  The concern was easily readable on his face and I already knew why.  You see, it wasn’t that he hadn’t talked to me in four days.  It was that I didn’t answer him.  I couldn’t.  I was too afraid of what he might say.  So I didn’t give him a chance.  I ran and hid because he can’t leave me if I’m not around to leave…right?

He was so easy to read the instant he walked in, just like he always is.  He’s always been honest with me from the day I met him and today was no different.  I could see the traces of guilt in his eyes and I knew immediately what it was for.  He’d told me when he left he didn’t know what would happen and that was all I needed to completely snap.

I didn’t pay attention to how his whole face lit up when he saw me.  I didn’t listen when he smiled and told me it was finally over, finished, and that we could really be together.  I didn’t lean into him when he hugged me and told me how much he missed me and how sorry he was that he left.  No, I just pushed him back and told him to get out of my coach.

He tried to argue.  He tried to explain, but I didn’t want to hear it.  All I wanted to know was if he fucked him.  To be honest…I expected him to lie.  But he didn’t.  He just looked me straight in the eye and told me that yes, they had been together.  And I didn’t let him continue.  I didn’t want to know the hows and whys.  All I knew was that Jimmie once again had everything I wanted and I screamed at him until he finally left.  But I didn’t miss the look in his eyes.  It was the same look he had when he lost Jimmie to Chandra, and I wish more than anything I could get that look out of my mind.

He cheated on me.  It doesn’t matter if he told me it could happen.  It doesn’t matter that I told him to go make things right.  He slept with him.  He slept with him when he’s only supposed to sleep with me.

Take a stumbling step back and drop down into the kitchen chair, setting the bottle on the table before bringing my hands up to cover my face.  I didn’t want it to happen.  I didn’t want him to go back to Jimmie.  And now…I’ve probably ruined any future we could have had.

Rock slightly in the chair and struggle to turn my mind off…but I can’t.  No, all I can think about is how he did warn me.  How he tried to call and did text me everyday.  He even came to me as soon as he got here.  Hell, he still had his travel bag on his shoulder.  And I kicked him out.  I screamed and practically threw him out…even though I know he was just trying to make things right.

The thing is…I do know Jimmie.  But more than that, I know them.  I know how close they were and how devoted they were to each other.  I was there from day one.  I even went to Paris with them for the Race of Champions.  I know how much they loved each other and I know better than anyone how neither one has had any closure.  Why wouldn’t I when one’s my best friend and the other is my lover?

Run my hands down my face and stare down at my hand as the darkness starts to fall around me.  Shadows stretch out through the coach and none of it brings me any comfort…only sadness because I know he wasn’t trying to hurt me.  To be honest, he was afraid to even get involved with me.  He told me from day one that he was still getting over Jimmie, that he didn’t know how long it would take.  But I didn’t care, and we both fell so hard.

I know I was that one who put the smile back on his face.  I know I’m the one who showed him it was safe to love again…until now.  Raise my head and stare at the door as the sun finally sets.  I promised him I understood.  I swore to him I’d give him time and in return he’s given me his whole heart.  I still have no doubt about that.  He’s never once lied to me and he’s even done things he probably shouldn’t have to try and help my career.  It was no accident Brian left and I’m in.  I know that even though he still won’t tell me what part he played.

Glance around the dark room and it’s never felt emptier than it does right now.  See his face in my mind again and I finally realize I was wrong.  He didn’t look the way he did when Jimmie left.  That he saw coming….

Eyes snap to the clock on the wall and my mind easily does the math.  It’s been four hours since I forced him out of my coach…

…and that’s four hours too long.

Push myself up and out of my chair and hurry through the door and into the darkness.  Pass by coach after coach and I stop suddenly in front of Jimmie’s, seeing the light’s on.  What if he went back to him?  What if I pushed him right back into his arms?  Sway on my feet and then shake my head.  If he’s gone back to him…there’s really not anything I can do now, so I keep going until I’m standing before his large maroon coach.

Take a deep breath and force myself not to back down.  No matter if we fix this or we don’t…I can’t just hide.  We both deserve more than that.  Take another breath and then move forward and knock on his door.  Wait a moment when I get no response and then knock again, harder this time.

“…away.  I’m busy…now…,” I hear the muffled shout through the door and I try to open it, but blink in surprise when I find it’s locked.  He never locks his door.  Not unless he and I….

Shake my head and push back my fears.  Jimmie’s light was on, and if I’m to be honest with myself…I knew he wouldn’t be with him.  He’d be alone.  Just like he was before.  And just like before I’m not gonna let him just turn inward and shut out the world.

Knock on the door again and call out to him, loud enough that I know he hears me.  “Jeff, it’s Casey.  Open the door.  I’m promise you I’m not leaving until you d--.”  But I don’t get to finish my statement because the door opens before I can.

Sad, bloodshot blue eyes meet mine and I don’t miss the way his shoulders slump, his hand on the door seeming to be the only thing keeping him on his feet.  Shit…has it only been four hours since he was kissing me and telling me he loved me?  Was it really only four short hours ago that he was hugging me and telling me everything was going to be alright?  How could it all go so wrong so fast?

“Jeff, I…I’m sorry.  I don’t want you out of my life.  Please…can we talk?” I ask him softly and watch as he bites his lip and nods, moving to give me room to walk in.  He shuts the door behind me and I watch him lower his eyes, unable or unwilling to meet mine.

“I’m sorry Case…I’m so sorry,” he whispers and I barely even hear him.  “I just…I needed to let him go.”  Hear his sharp intake of breath and I see it hitch in his chest as he fights back his emotion.  “But if I’d known it would-would cost me y-you I-I….”

I don’t even let him finish.  I don’t have to because I know he means every world.  Move forward quickly and pull him into my arms and tell him soft and firm against his ear, “You haven’t lost me, Jeff.  I was just mad.  You haven’t lost me.  You should know I don’t give up on anything or anyone so easily.”

His arms crush me as he pulls me tight and I honestly can’t believe he can squeeze me so tight with his smaller frame.  I feel him tremble and I can’t remember seeing him this upset before…even after Jimmie.  Run my hands over his back when I feel wetness at my neck and just try to soothe him, murmuring to him softly.

“It-it’s over Case…sw-swear it.  We’re just fr-friends.  I-I-I’m so sorry…so, so sorry.  I l-love you.  Want-want to be with you,” he stammers in a broken voice and I just try to hold him closer. 

“Shhhh I know Jeffy, I know,” I tell him softly as I rock him side to side.  “I was just mad.  You know I have a temper.  I just missed you…so much.”  And now my own voice wavers as the fears from the last four days come crashing down full force.  “I was afraid you wouldn’t come back to me.  I was afraid you wanted him.”

Sense him pull back and now it’s my vision that’s blurred with unshed tears.  Feel his thumb brush across my cheek tenderly and all I see is blue.   His voice is so much more sure now, almost making me forget the wavering stutter from before, “He can never take me away from you, Case.  Never.  You’re the one I love.  You’re the one I want to be with.  I promise you now, Jimmie and I are over.”  Stare into his eyes as he cups my face in his hand and looks at me unwaveringly.  “I’m not in love with Jimmie anymore, Case.  I’m in love with you.”

Feel myself tremble at his words and I swear my stomach is doing flip flops in my chest as he leans closer and touches his lips to mine.  His arms slide around me as his lips move over mine and I part my own, shivering again when his tongue starts to softly caress mine.  Slide my arms around him and pull him tighter, a warmth starting to spread through my insides as I feel his hard body press against mine.

“Jeff…,” I whisper softly as I tilt my head back and he starts to kiss lightly over my neck.  God, he knows just how to drive me insane.  Feel my jeans growing tighter from his attentions and then it suddenly hits me…I wonder if he did this to Jimmie.

Ice water.  It’s like ice water washing over me and I stiffen, pulling back from him and curling in on myself. I can’t look at him.  Can’t face him.  Can’t stop thinking about the fact that he just came from him.  What if he’s thinking about him now?

“Case,” he calls to me softly and I still can’t face him.  I don’t even know what to stay.  But then as he always seems to he looks inside and reads me like a book.  “Case, it wasn’t like this with him,” he tells me softly and I can’t help but jerk my head up to look at him, eyes seeking the truth he’s always offered.  See him swallow hard and somehow I don’t flinch as he reaches out to run his hand comfortingly down my arm.  “It was comfort, Case.  It was saying goodbye,” softer, “It was…sad.”

And I believe him.

Not because I love him, even though I do.  Not just because I want to, which I do more than anything.  But because I know it’s true.  He’s never lied to me.  Not when he woke up one night crying over what he’d lost.  Not he went and got drunk on the anniversary of their first night together.  Not even when Jimmie called him up drunk one night crying over what they had.  He’s never hidden a thing from me.  Not once.  And if he looks at me now and tells me it’s over…I know he’s telling me the truth.

He wanted to wait with us.  He wanted to have time to heal.  He knew he was still in love with Jimmie and so did I.  But I didn’t want to wait.  I wanted to be with him.  I wanted to love him, and I don’t regret a second of it.  I know for half our relationship I was sharing his heart.  But as I look into his eyes right now…I know I’m not sharing anymore.  And if I have anything to do with it I’ll never share again.

Move forward suddenly, pulling him into my arms and kiss him hard, trying to convey all my love and devotion and understanding to him with only my touch.  I feel him hesitate a moment but then he’s kissing me back and I swear the fire intensifies ten fold.  He backs me against the door and everything about him is hard against me.  Feel him suck at my neck and holy shit it’s never been this way before.

Hands claw at my chest, tugging and tearing my shirt over my head and I feel his hot mouth move over my chest.  Teeth graze my nipple and I shudder hard at his unbridled passion.  Fuck, Jeff’s always been passionate but this…this is unreal.

“Love you, Case,” he breathes low against my neck and the erotic tone of his voice sends shivers down my spine.  “Love you and you alone.  Just you,” he purrs low and suddenly it all makes sense.  He was letting go.  And this…this is what he’s always held back.  This is how it feels to be his one and only.  And I swear to God I’ll never let him go.

“Love you too, Jeff,” I pant and tear his black polo over his head before immediately reaching for his jeans.  Fight with them for a minute and them I’m greeted by his throaty groans as I finally find and stroke his rock hard length…hard, all because of me.  Feel his hands all over me, finally squeezing my ass and somehow we both end up tumbling down the hall and into his bed, nothing but over heated bodies, arms and legs tangling together as we roll in the sheets.

Jeans, shoes, socks, everything is tossed aside until there’s nothing between but our own skin.  Feel his hot body slide over mine and I can’t even control the moans that slip from my lips.  He’s mine, all mine, and I want him even though I can’t say the words.  But somehow he knows because I feel him press the lube in my hand as he moves under me, hands caressing my chest as he stares up at me with impossibly blue eyes.

“Yours Case, oh god I’m fucking yours,” he groans deeply as his hips rock up impatiently against mine and I know what he needs.  Pour the lube over my hand and before he knows it I’ve got two fingers buried deep inside him.  “Jesus, Casey, yes, fuck, all yours.  All yours.  Oh please, please Case,” he pants hard and I can’t help but grin as he writhes underneath me.  He is mine.  He really, really is.

Pull my fingers from him and move over him, spreading his legs a little wider.  Then I slowly do something I’ve honestly not done very often…slide deeply inside his tight, perfect ass.  “Oh fuck, Jeff.  Fuck, so fucking tiiiiiight.”

Thrust into him deeply and he meets every stroke.  Run my hand over his hard cock and it’s all so wild, so perfect, so amazing…but none of it comes close to touching the look in his eyes.  The look that tells me he really and truly only loves me.

Slam into him over and over and it’s not long before we’re both screaming ourselves hoarse and shaking uncontrollably, but not once do I ever look away from his eyes.  I swear I can stare into his eyes for the rest of my life…and that’s exactly what I plan to do.  Kiss him deeply as he wraps me in his arms again until we end up side by side, face to face, each panting to catch our breath.

Feel his hand caress my cheek as I gaze into his eyes and smile, the weight finally off of my chest.  “I love you, Case.  So much.  So, so much.”

Lean forward and kiss him tenderly as I shift even closer, tangling my leg with his as I completely melt against him.  “Love you too, Jeff…”  Thread my fingers with his and squeeze his hand tight, knowing with every thing I am that things are finally right.  “…and I’ll never, ever let you go.”

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com