Four Days

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Summary: Jimmie ponders life after Jeff’s hard crash at Pocono.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Jimmie Johnson/Jeff Gordon, Jimmie POV
CATEGORY: General/Romance
COMPLETED: June 28, 2006
WORD COUNT: 2,221
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To Heather. This is a very, very, very belated birthday present but…I hope you like it. I blame you for waking up the JJ!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place the week following Jeff’s hard crash in Pocono, June 11th, 2006. Oh and for the purposes of this story I’m going with no engagement for the Jeffy. Also I’ve taken some from his race scanner, thanks to Heather, and both Jimmie and Junior’s XM radio shows.
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Jeff’s New York Apartment - June 15th, 2006

“…24 hard into the outside wall, driver’s side”

Earl’s words seemed to cut straight to the bone and my heart was in my throat as I couldn’t keep the worry out of my voice. “Is he ok? Is he talking? What happened, is he ok?” The words all came out in a rush as my chest felt tight and it was suddenly hard to breath as I came around the corner and saw his 24 Monte Carlo crushed up against the outside wall.

Driver’s side impact. Crumpled against the wall. What happened? This track is too fast. Way too fast and if he’s not--

“He’s out of the car, team is saying he’s alright…”

And I couldn’t hold back a shuddery sigh of relief.

Then there was red flag and the last few laps couldn’t come soon enough. All I could think was that I needed to see him. I needed to know he was alright. I needed to talk to him, touch him, look into his eyes and see that everything was ok. I needed to hear him tell me he was fine and smile at me with that old familiar crooked smile. Enduring the post race hoopla just seemed to make my anxiety run higher.

It seemed like an eternity before I was rushing through the garage, hurrying to the driver’s lot, but as I made it halfway to his coach I realized that might not be were he was. Sharp turn and I’m was heading to a different coach, running on pure instinct as it finally came into view and almost as if he was waiting, as if he sensed my approach, I saw him step outside and once again my heart was in my throat. Stopped a few paces away, wishing more than anything he wasn’t wearing his mirrored sunglasses so I could see his eyes, and I was suddenly without words, too overwhelmed with my own emotions.

But then…there it was. That slow crooked smile crossing his face and a voice I still hear whispered in my ear from long never forgotten memories under the cover of darkness.

“I’m fine Jimmie. Everything’s going to be alright.”

And I wanted to believe him. I wanted to take his words at face value, turn away and head back to my life. But I couldn’t. Not this time. Not when the image of his car crushed against the wall was so fresh in my mind. Not when I could still feel the fear in my heart and the doubt in my mind. Was he covering? Was he trying not to worry me? Was he just trying to be tough so no one could tell him not to race?

No, I needed more…and he seemed to know it.

Before I could even begin to form a thought, a course of action, he took over everything…the way he always did. And it was so easy, so simple, to just let go and let him take care of it all. I honestly don’t even remember what he told Channy, but one look in my eyes and she just told me to go. I don’t even know what I would have told her, but Jeff took care of everything and before I knew it we were on a helicopter for New York and straight back in time.

We didn’t even talk much during the short flight but, my God, we didn’t even need to. Everything felt so…surreal…and so comfortable at the same time, almost like falling back into an old memory…an old dream. Somewhere I never thought I’d be again and something I needed more than anything.

Once we finally got to New York that’s when everything seemed to turn on it’s head. Everything was…new and old all at the same time. He had a car waiting for us, that much was the same but it wasn’t his apartment we went to. No, he’d long since let that go. This time it was mine. My place. My home away from home. My sanctuary.

And it really, really was.

It was like stepping back in time…and it wasn’t. He wasn’t the one calling all the shots…even though I don’t doubt for an instant he was in complete control. No, he knew exactly what I needed, and he let me have it all without hesitation. He knew I needed to get lost in his twilight colored eyes and taste his lips against mine. Smell his long familiar scent and let it envelop me as my hands ran over his rich skin. To feel his hard body under mine as I lost myself inside him in a way I never dared hope I would again.

He knew what I needed.

And he let me have it all.

For four days he’s given me everything I needed and let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s ok…in more ways than just the physical. For four days we’ve hit the town and the sheets but none of it was about sex. It was about remembering who we were…but never completely losing ourselves to the past. And as much as I always knew I missed him…I think I had forgotten why.

I needed more than we ever could have had…no matter how deeply we felt for each other. I wanted a family, stability, the legitimacy of a marriage…none of which he could ever give me. I needed to stop hiding, stop running, and somewhere along the line I actually fell in love with the amazing woman who is my wife. And I forgot who we were.

Look down and run my thumb over the plain gold band on my finger and think about how far we’ve drifted apart since the wedding. It started with not hanging out so much, something that just happens when you get married…or so I’ve been told. Then there’s the fact that Jeff’s never really been much for the phone. With him it was always, “Where are you? What time do you want to meet up? When can I see you again?” But it was never a real conversation. We both seemed to drift apart, even at the track. Him, hanging out with Brian, Junior and Casey and me getting lost in my marriage and building my own foundation and radio show and countless other endeavors.

We did have the safari back in December…but that was so…out there. I had Channy and he had Ingrid and none of it ever seemed real. We were up all night taking pictures of lions and tigers for Christ’s sake…how could that possibly be normal?

I shake my head slowly and finally look down at him laying beside me. Sigh softly as I trace my finger along his jaw and I can’t help but wonder if this is the last time I’ll ever do this. I shouldn’t be here…I know that much is true. But this…isn’t about then. It isn’t about how we used to feel. It’s about me knowing he’s ok. About remembering how good of friends we were and trying to get a piece of that back.

Shift my chin against my hand, propped up on my elbow, and continue to trail my gaze over him as my mind continues to spin and I finally begin to admit some things to myself. We didn’t just…drift apart. It wasn’t like we both went our separate ways. It was me…and I know it. Even though he said he understood when I told him about Chandra…I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t get over the guilt. I couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing what I threw away all because I needed more. All because I couldn’t live with the love of my life having to be a secret.

I know I hurt him. I saw it at the wedding, even though he stood right by my side. I saw the way he turned inward and his brilliant blue eyes lost some of their sparkle. All because of me. And it was that guilt that drove a wedge between us so much that I couldn’t even get close to him…not even in friendship. Until he hit that wall I don’t think I’d even realized how far apart we’d gotten, how much I really missed him. Not until I thought I’d lost him forever.

But that’s all changed.

These four days have completely opened my eyes in ways I don’t think anything else could. I’ve gotten to know him again and…I’m a little surprised at what I’ve seen. He’s happy again, confident, and I’m not sure I really know why. He’s more himself than I’ve seen him in a long time and we honestly just had fun being together. And I’m hoping, no, I know this is something we can take back with us.

Still…I can’t help but wonder if there’s someone else that could have made this change in him. Ingrid crosses my mind but even I know they’re more friends than anything. I know he’s been spending a lot of time with our newest teammate lately but surely--

“Don’t you have a show to do soon?”

Blink in surprise at his question and look down to see beautiful deep blue eyes staring up at me. Feel my heart flutter slightly in my chest and smile back at him, answering him soft, “Hey… Yeah, I do. You know, you really should come on there sometime.” Narrow my eyes slightly. “Especially since you went and did Junior’s….”

I can’t help but smile as I hear his laugh and it still boggles my mind at how far apart we’d gotten. Until this moment it had never even crossed my mind to invite him on the radio show. And in this moment I promise myself I’ll never let this happen again.

“Depends…” he teases with the same old glint in his eyes. “Are you serving refreshments?”

Now it’s my turn to laugh and I have to shake my head. “Are you now requiring a cooler of beer for your appearances? I’m sure Marty and I could swing it.”

Smile broadens as he lightly pushes my chest and shakes his head. “You know me better than that, Jimmie.” I watch as he winks at me and then continues, “Besides…you know I have much richer tastes.”

I find myself snorting at him and feeling more comfortable with him than I have…ever? The realization takes me by surprise and I look at him almost in wonder. “Yeah…I do know…” I reply and then can’t help but add “…Mr. three hundred dollar haircut.”

Watch as his eyes go wide and he shakes his head and tells me, “I swear I’m going to kill Junior for letting them ask me that.” Then he looks up at me, his eyes locking with mine. “You’re right. I should have gone on your show instead.”

I can’t help but grin again and finally push myself up to a sitting position as I glance at the clock and realize he’s right. It is getting late and I’m going to have to go meet up with Marty soon to tape the show. I just hope he doesn’t grill me too hard over “The Sheriff” jumping ship. He has to know I can’t talk about that yet, even if I do know where he might be going.

“You go ahead and get ready, Jimmieboy. I’ll get our things packed up so we can head to Michigan in the morning,” he tells me as he slides out of bed and reaches for a pair of jeans on a nearby chair. As I watch him slide into the denim it suddenly hits me that…this is it. I won’t be coming back from the radio show to find him waiting for me in bed. I won’t be spending the night losing myself to his kisses and I never may again….

And it’s ok.

It really is ok.

It wasn’t just guilt that kept us apart…it was the fact that I didn’t know if I could just be his friend. And these four days…even with what did happen…I know now that I can be his friend again. I can be with him and not be with him. And for the first time in I can’t remember when I can look at him without hurting.

“You just gonna ogle me all day or are you going to go be ‘Unexpected’ with Marty?” he teases and I jump slightly at his words, lost in thought again.

“Alright, alright I’m going,” I tell him as I push myself out of bed and head for the shower. Pause at the door and look back at him as he starts to gather our things. “You want to meet at that bar in uptown once I’m done taping?”

He pauses and shoots me that crooked smile of his that used to always make my knees go weak, but now…now it just gives me a warm feeling inside. “Yeah, that sounds like fun. I’ll have everything together by then.”

I nod to him and let my gaze linger over him a little longer, finally realizing that I do still love him…I’m just not in love with him anymore. Who would have thought it would take him hitting a wall to finally open my eyes?

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com