Fallen Star

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Star Series : Fallen Star

Summary: He’s made progress but there’s still so far to go.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: R
SERIES: Star Series
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick, Clint Bowyer, Kevin POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #66 (#41 for me) - Hue & Cry
COMPLETED: October 26, 2007
WORD COUNT: 1,733
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place a few months after Shooting Star. Dale has left Martin and come back to Kevin but all is not all rosy in paradise. They have much to work through as Kevin really starts to realize when confronted by his “old flame.”
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“You’re not happy.”

Jump at the unexpected words and turn around to see my teammate staring at me with that unwavering steely look of his.  “I…don’t know what you’re talking about.  Of course I’m happy.”  Way to sound convincing Harvick.  I don’t even believe myself.

“No, you should be, but you’re not.  Any idiot can see that,” Flinch under the weight of his gaze and try to look away.  But somehow he still finds a way to pin me with his ice blue eyes.

“I’m with Dale,” I start to tell him but the words die on my lips as his eyes bore into me.  Hell, how did he learn to be so fucking intense?  “Why do you even care, Shifty?” I tell him and finally manage to look away.  Maybe if I try to avoid confrontation he’ll just let it go.

“How can you even ask that?” he tells me flatly and I can hear the frost in his voice.  We’ve never really talked about why he left me but he’s made it clear it wasn’t because he didn’t still care about me.  Honestly I’ve tried to forget the whole thing.  Why does he have to bring this up now?

“Fine.  I’m sorry.  Forget it,” I mumble to him and try to turn away.  But he’s got me cornered in the garage with no easy escape without pushing past him and making a scene.

“You really think I can just ‘forget it’ Kev?”  Turn back to look at him and immediately know I shouldn’t have because the hard and stony look in his eyes is gone.  No, now his eyes are open, more open than I’ve seen them in months and I feel my heart twist in response.  Don’t do this, Shifty.  Please don’t do this.

He steps toward me and I instinctively take a step back, pressing my body against the crash cart behind me and I don’t miss the hurt flash through his eyes.  God, Clint, I don’t want to hurt you.  Pease don’t.  I’m not ready for this yet.

“Maybe you could just forget it Kev, but I remember every time I look in the mirror.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck why did he have to go there?  I know exactly what he’s talking about and the back of my right shoulder feels like it’s burning from my own tattoo.  “Clint, please….”  I don’t ever realize I’ve spoken aloud until he answers me.

“Please what, Kev?”  He moves closer and I look around desperately for a distraction.  Press back against the metal behind me and for an instant I think about crying out…to anyone.  But how can I?  He’s not hurting me.  Why?  Why couldn’t it be anger in his eyes instead of sweet sadness and understanding?

“Please…don’t do this.  Please just--”

“Go back to pretending nothing ever happened,” he snaps and suddenly I do see a flash of anger.  But it doesn’t last long enough.  “I tried, Kev.  Believe me I tried.  It’s why I left.”  His eyes lock with mine again and I can’t even begin to tear them away.  “I knew if there was the smallest chance you might get a second chance….”  His voice softens even more, “…that you’d never really love me.”

Chew my lower lip and try to look away, try to pretend this isn’t happening.  But I can’t and so much comes flooding back.  I tried to love him.  I really did.  I tried to move on and for an instant I thought I did.  For a moment I really thought I did love him.  That’s why I matched his tattoo with my own.  It wasn’t until I lost him, and faced it, that I realized it wasn’t the same kind of love.

“He was your God, right?  Isn’t that what you called him?”

My head snaps up at his words and a flicker of something shoots through me.  He shouldn’t say that.  He shouldn’t be talking about my--

“I could never compete with a damn God or ghost or whatever else the two of you had goin’.”  Watch as he finally stops staring at me his hand comes up to brush over his left ear.  Just one of countless tiny things he did that always used to endear him to me.  Blue eyes snap up to lock with mine suddenly.  “But what about now?”

“I…what?” I stammer, barely managing the words.  “Whataboutnow?”  Shift on my feet and I don’t know how much more I can take.  Dale, where are you when I need you?

“You’re not happy,” he replies simply and stares at me with that unwavering gaze again.

I should go.  I should stop this now before it goes too far.  He left me.  I don’t owe him anything, right?  I should just go.  “I’m fine,” I mumble to him and attempt to push past him, but he blocks my path.  Feel his hand on my chest, holding me in place, and I know I should fight.  I just, don’t have the strength.

“Haven’t you had enough yet?  Hasn’t he fallen off that damn pedestal you put him on yet?”  I can hear more than a trace of bitterness in his voice and I try to look anywhere but at him.  “Wasn’t I better than that?  Didn’t my love mean anything or have you already forgotten about the stars?”

Turn my back to him, curling inward instead of trying to escape.  Wrap my arms around myself as I face the over sized toolbox and squeeze my eyes shut.  How could I forget?  How could I ever forget?  Clint was the only thing that helped me feel anything after Dale left.  I don’t want to hurt him.  He doesn’t deserve it.  But I love Dale.  I’ve always loved him….

“Kevin,” he tells me softly and I can feel his hand brush my shoulder before he pulls it away.  “I’m not trying to…” his words trail off and he’s completely silent.  For a moment I wonder if he’s even still there.  But then I hear him, his words softer and sweeter than anytime other than when we were together.  “I just want you to be happy.  It’s why I left when things got so serious.  I didn’t want you to be too tied down that you couldn’t follow your heart.  I knew…I knew you always had to take the chance to try again.  But now that you have…are you still sure he’s the one you want to be with?”

It’s the pleading tone of his voice that causes me to turn around and as I look at him I remember so much.  He’s been my best friend for so long.  He’s been a buddy, a shoulder to cry on and even a lover to me in the last year and I still don’t know how to reconcile it all.  Honestly there’s only one thing in this world I’m still sure of.  “I love him, Shifty.”

“But is it enough?” he immediately fires back at me.  “Can you ever trust him again?  Can you ever be sure?”  Watch him glance around before locking eyes with me again.  “Would he ever come after you, ever fight for you like I am now?”

“Yes,” I want to reply immediately because there’s nothing in this world that I want more.  But, is that all it is?  My want?  Desire?  Dreams?  Will I ever be able to trust him, to forgive him?  I’ve spent so much time lately living day to day I haven’t even really thought about the future.  Everything’s just been about here and now.  And as for fighting for me…did he ever?

Swallow hard and drop my eyes when I remember how he told me I was too much, too hot, too intense for his love.  How it was easier to turn to someone “safe” than to risk being burned by me.  What’s changed?  He’s with me now but even I know I’m not myself.  What happens when I am?  Will he still stay with me?  Or will he run to safety again?  Hell, he’s not even confronted Martin about us in all these months….

“I’d fight for you, Kev.  I swear to you I would,” Slowly raise my head to look into open, honest, intense eyes.  “Just say the word when you’re ready and I swear to you I’ll fight for you.”

“Cliiiiiiiiint…” I whisper in a way I haven’t in so long and I see it affects him, even though that’s not what I’m trying to do.  “I…can’t.  I still…”

Stop when his finger comes up to touch my lips, silencing my words.  “It’s too soon,” he tells me softly and slowly drops his hand.  “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pressured you.”  Watch him swallow slowly and it’s like I’m welded in place waiting for his next words.  “Do what you need to do Kev, just remember if it gets too hard…I’ll be here.”

Fuck, no.  No, no, no.  I want to speak.  Want to cry out and tell him not to make this promise.  But suddenly it’s like I have no words at all and I don’t know if it’s because of the situation or because I really don’t want to stop him.  I don’t want to hurt him.  I don’t.  I care so much about him, but I still love--

“Love you, Kev,” he tells me with completely open and honest eyes and then motions for me to stay quiet.  “I just needed to tell you that, for me.  I just wanted you to know it wasn’t a lie.”  Voice gets so much softer.  “You weren’t ready for me, and maybe you never will be but…I just had to let you know….”

Still mute I watch him pull back, holding my gaze before finally turning and walking away.  Lean heavily against my crash cart and watch him until I can’t see him anymore.  Swallow hard and whisper softly to myself as all his words spin through my head, “I still love Dale.”  And it’s true.  Fuck, it will always be true.  I think the man really does own my soul.

…but is it enough?

It has to be.  It has to.  Even if he won’t fight.  Even if he won’t stand up for me.  He’s with me now.  And even if I’m living day to day for the rest of my life…how can I not?

Clint please, just let me go.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com