Alone

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Summary: Jimmie has to learn to fly on his own.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SEQUEL TO: Over
CHARACTER: Jimmie Johnson, Jimmie POV
CATEGORY: Slight angst
COMPLETED: September 13, 2005
WORD COUNT: 1,955
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: This is to everyone who watched Richmond with a broken heart. Believe me, I feel your pain.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did anyone else see that Jimmie was the only one in the chase pics NOT smiling? If anything he looked like a dear caught in headlights!
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: This takes place directly after the Richmond race where Jeff failed to make the chase and can be seen as a “companion piece” or sequel to Over. It also kinda fits in the same universe as Teammates & Solace that it can be read as slashy or not. Hope you enjoy!
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Richmond International Raceway , September 10, 2005

As I finally step up onto the obnoxiously yellow and black stage I suddenly realize that I’m the last one to arrive. I glance around the open space, my stomach twisting into knots, and am met by nothing but broad smiles and laughter. But none of it touches me, because this isn’t the way things are supposed to be.

Can’t anyone else feel it? Can’t anyone else feel the overwhelming wrongness about tonight? The huge gaping hole that should be filled by a crooked smile and strong embrace? But obviously I seem to be the only one affected by the loss of one enormous presence that has been my constant companion since my first year in Cup. Instead I’m patted on the back by Tony as Carl flashes me an impossibly white smile.

And I’ve never felt so alone.

His smile does nothing but fill me full of more emptiness as I can see it’s not really meant for me. How is it possible to feel so completely isolated when you’re surrounded by hundreds of people? But I am. In a way I never have been before. I look over to the “Roushkateers” and see how they all band together, congratulating each other on all making the chase. Geez, even Rusty and Ryan are talking. But there’s no one here for me tonight. No blue eyes full of fire and pride filling me up completely in a way only he does. No, tonight he just walked away.

I swallow hard and briefly close my eyes as I wait my turn to be interviewed. I really, really don’t want to do this. I mean what do I say anyway? We were crap all night, got ran over by one of our own teammates and what if they ask about him?

It’s at that point that I catch myself glancing around again, eyes involuntarily searching for the familiar blue and red flames that are always here. But they aren’t. And they won’t be. And I can’t believe how out of place that makes me feel.

I didn’t expect this. I really didn’t. I mean, it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve beaten him. I’ve done that tons of times, leading the points, finishing higher in the standings. But he was always there, one step behind me…but was he really? Even when I led the points he always stole the show and the thing is…I never minded one bit. He took on the world, the media, hell even the other drivers and just let me race. Just like at the beginning of the season when Harvick was out to get me and Junior was proclaiming me an “idiot” to the world, he took care of it. He went the press, took my side and told me….

Just race, Jimmie.

And I did.

He’s always done that for me, taken the brunt of it all. Just like last year, after Martinsville, he took all the weight, telling the world he’d win the championship for Rick and taking all the pressure off me. He left me free to focus on winning and we almost pulled it off…but I never could have done that with out him. He’s always been the face of HMS. He’s the one the media really wants to talk to with his smooth talk and winning ways. I’m just his teammate, his driver, his protégé, his boy….

But now I’m the one in the spotlight. Alone. I’m the only one left. It’s all on my shoulders now and suddenly he’s nowhere to be found, although I tried. I knew the instant I saw his car flattened against the wall that it was over, but I still couldn’t believe it. Not until the last lap when Chad finally confirmed it. And at that point, there was only one place for me to be.

With him.

I find myself fidgeting, eyes wide, as they continue to interview the Roush crew and motion me over. Apparently I’m next. Why does everything seem so loud and so bright? Why do I have to do this now?

“…tell us about your race tonight Jimmie.”

Game face. Just like he taught you. “Yeah, we struggled tonight…” Focus on the car, tell them what they want to hear. “…just couldn’t get the car to turn the center. Really, really tight all night long…” Give them an excuse and a solution, just like always. Make it seem like you’ve got a handle on everything and that it’s not spiraling out of control. “We tested for Loudon, hopefully we’ve got things turned around for there…”

“The last month or so has not been the kind of performance that you would like to go into the chase…”

Is he kidding me? Duh! Hold it back, Jimmie. Bite your lip and keep from smacking the friggin’ idiot.

“What do you do to turn it around and get it going quickly at New Hampshire?”

Deep breath. Talk fast and maybe they won’t hear the tremor in your voice. “…we wish we could turn it around instantly…” And we aren’t the only ones. Why couldn’t they get him one car worth…. Focus, Jimmie. Testing, bring up the testing, the wins at the beginning of the year. But none of that matters now. Just like the Daytona 500 means nothing. We’re just lucky it didn’t fall apart sooner.

“The last month’s been pretty slow…” Can’t imagine why. “We wouldn’t have transferred if we were in a position to race our way in.” Like he was. Like he was forced to be. “And I-I’m really bummed out the 24’s not in the chase…umm…I know those guys have to be thoroughly bummed out…and I fell horrible for them.” Understatement of the year. Bummed can’t even describe the devastation I saw in his eyes. Hold it together just a little more. “…we’re the only Hendrick car in the chase…” and I still can’t believe it. It really is all on me now.

More stupid questions about how we came up short last year. Why do they have to keep bringing this up again and again? Of course we don’t want to hit the skids again, but what can we do? Focus on the stats, force a smile, same thing over and over.

“Thanks for the visit…”

Thank god it’s over.

Turn away from the cameras and try not to collapse under the sudden pressure. I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want all the attention. I just want to race, to let him be my shelter from the storm. I’m not ready for this.

You’ll be fine, Jimmie.

That’s what he told me tonight. But what if he’s wrong? And why did he push me away? I glance around, mingling awkwardly with other drivers I seldom ever talk to. It’s all lip service between us, fake smiles and mock congratulation. No one here gives a damn about me or each other. Everyone here is in it all for themselves whether they’ll admit it or not. But I know I’m even more of an outsider than the rest.

Cross my arms and remember rushing to him in the garage as soon as I got out of my car, ducking every reporter I could. I caught him just as he was starting to make his way to his coach and all at once I knew I needed his strength, his comfort. And surely he needed me, right?

I caught him by the arm, leaning in close and telling him in a low voice that I’d be at his coach as soon as the media let me go. That we could console each other just like we used to do last season when it was just us. I’d make Channi understand that we needed time because I know since she and I got together there hasn’t been much time for others…not even my best friend.

But then he shocked me completely. He stopped and turned to me, hurt and disappointment in his eyes. And he locked those deep blue orbs with mine, the intensity causing me to catch my breath. His mouth was a hard, firm line and I could feel the tension of the race still coming off him in waves. But then he shook his head, and honestly I wasn’t sure what he was saying.

“Not this time, Jimmie,” he said simply and started to turn away. But I stopped him, reaching out again. Why would he turn me away? Didn’t he need me like I do him? He’s always been stronger than me, I realize. And he’s always been the one to give me strength even when I didn’t know it. I think maybe he even realized it then.

“You’ll be fine, Jimmie,” he told me with a reassuring smile and a look that told me there was nothing I could do to make him change his mind. He was pushing me out of the “nest,” making me stand on my own two feet whether I wanted to or not. I felt abandoned, but I know I’m not, not really. As he turned away I could see the confusion and pain clearly written on his face and I know he’s got his own issues to deal with. I just wish he would let someone else in, that he wouldn’t close off completely when it comes to racing.

But I’m selfish too. I know that. I don’t want to be here, being shuffled around for chase pictures. I don’t want to force a fake smile I know isn’t convincing. I’ve never been able to completely hide all my feelings the way he does so easily. But I’ll do my best. I’ll grin and bear it and try to make them all proud. I’ll do my best to pull the team together and lead them even though….

I’m scared.

And I hate to admit it. That I’m afraid of falling flat on my face now that there’s no one here to catch me. That I’m afraid I’m going to fail, and that it’s all going to be too much to handle. I never even really knew how larger than life he really is. But now I do and part of me just wants to go back and hide in his shadow, to not be so alone.

But maybe I won’t be, a part of me wants to believe. Maybe he’ll do like I did last year and win four chase races. That would bring him back to the spot light…. But as the flashbulbs go off again my smile begins to fade. I’m dreaming and I know it. Even I can see how lost his team is, how it’s falling apart around him. Kinda like mine is going to if I don’t get it together. I have to face the reality. I’m drowning.

Alone.

And nothing’s going to change that now.

Suddenly the weight of it all seems to press down on me and I feel like I’m suffocating. The emptiness surrounds me. I really am alone out here…alone in front of millions. No teammate by my side, no friends to lean on. Hell, there’s only one other Chevy driver in the top ten and it’s not like we’re really what you would call “close.”

I feel a chill run over me, even through the many layers of my firesuit. But this chill has nothing to do with the cool night air around me. This comes from deep inside, from a void I didn’t even know was there. And I have no idea how to fill it. I have no idea how to stand on my own. It’s been so long since I’ve really been….

Alone.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com