Almost Perfect

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Almost Perfect

Summary: Sometimes almost is good enough.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Chad Knaus/Jimmie Johnson, Chad POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #121 (#14/18 for me 2nd run) - Dreamworld
COMPLETED: December 25, 2008
WORD COUNT: 2,580
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is a Christmas request written especially for morbid_model a.k.a. Jessicka. I have to admit, this isn’t what I expected to do for this challenge but when a muse gets loud a muse gets loud! LOL Hope you enjoy it hun.
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Knaus Residence – Charlotte, NC – November 19, 2008

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.  It’s irrational and it doesn’t add up, especially with him sleeping right beside me.  This isn’t me.  I don’t go on feelings and guesses.  Everything I ever do is because I’ve thought it out, because I have a plan, because I’ve weighed everything out and I know the risks and the rewards before I even take a step.  Maybe that’s what I’m doing now and maybe that’s what’s killing me.

Roll onto my back, stare up at the vaulted ceiling and my eyes are drawn to the fan blades spinning around and around.  Focus on the whoosh whoosh sound they make, anything to try and still my mind, make it more ordered.  Make it the way it should be. 

He’s my driver.  He’s my driver and the most important person in my life.  Everything I am is about making sure he’s the best in the world.  Without him...there is no “cheatin’ Chad.”  He’s my very existence, so...shouldn’t I know him better than I do?

Roll to my side and watch him, so peaceful in sleep.  It’s one of the things that surprised me the first time we slept together.  I guess I’ve seen the focused and competitive side of him so much I expected him to be the same...even in bed.  But he’s not.  He’s tender and playful with a touch of wild that continues to keep me on my toes.  I’m someone who likes to have everything all figured out and I think he loves the fact that he can still surprise me.  It’s not often, but he does.  And it makes me love him all the more.

But I still don’t really know him.

Oh, I know how he likes his car.  I can set it up to perfection with only a few words from him.  From the tone of his voice, the pitch of his scream, the words he uses to bitch I know exactly what he needs.  I know when to tell him to suck it up and drive and I know when to encourage him.  It’s all so second nature I don’t even think about it.  I know how he needs the comfort of being told what to do even when he knows better than anyone. 

“Wheel straight, foot on the break.”  “Don’t forget to take a drink of water.”  “Take a piece of candy.”

He doesn’t need me to tell him any of this.  But it helps him.  Hell, it probably helps both of us, him to relax and do what he’s told and me to have the power to affect something when I can’t touch the car.  It makes me feel like I’m helping him.  Sometimes I wonder if that’s why he puts up with it, if he’s patronizing me.  But I can’t believe that.  I don’t know how I could keep doing my job if I did.  But still...I should know him better.

He’s my lover, my driver, my partner in life, so why does his cheesy cover of a wife know him better than I do?  That stupid piece FOX did last season still haunts me.  I wish I hadn’t seen it.  So many stupid little questions that I got completely wrong and she got completely right.  Maybe they rehearsed it all.  She is supposed to be his wife after all.  Maybe they spent nights figuring out what all she should know just in case someone ever asked.  Except...I know they didn’t.  She just knew...and I didn’t have a clue.

Slide out of bed carefully, doing my best not to wake him but with the expensive mattress on this bed it’s really not a problem.  He likes fine things.  There’s no way I wouldn’t have the best bed money could buy waiting for him the first time he came to spend the night.  I just never knew it would come in so handy...or that I’d have to use it to slip away.

Pull on my robe that’s tossed over a chair in the corner and make my way downstairs.  I’d give anything for a cigarette right now.  But with getting caught on camera last year in the pits, I was persuaded to quit.  So I’m trying.  But fuck it all if I don’t hate every minute of it. 

Make my way down the stairs and tie the belt of my robe.  There was a time I’d head outside on a night like tonight, have one of those forbidden cigarettes and once I was done everything would make sense again.  I don’t know why nicotine was the magic to ordering my brain.  Maybe it was a way to pause life for a few minutes and get everything in order.  Through right now...I don’t think a pack of cigarettes would help.

Cross through the dark living room, easily making my way in the dark, and flip on the light as I enter the kitchen.  If I can’t smoke I’ll do the next best thing.  My second vice of choice.  Caffeine.  And lots of it.  Unfortunately this “bad habit” ensures I’m even more of an insomniac than usual...but all those extra hours have come in handy this year.  Staying ahead of the curve isn’t as easy as it used to be. 

Shuffle over to my spotless but well used cappuccino maker and start an espresso brewing.  Scoop the coffee, tamp it down, pour the water, I could do it all in my sleep.  To be honest I think a few times I have.  Rest my hands on the counter and wait, drumming my fingers as the whole contraption heats up.  Unfortunately though that gives me time to think.

Not knowing Jimmie so well wouldn’t be so bad if the only one I had to worry about was his beautiful, blond beard.  I know she’s no threat.  As long as she has a pretty boy to parade around New York a few days a week she’s perfectly happy to be a driver’s wife.  And considering how much Jimmie loves that lifestyle, all is right in the world where those two are concerned.  They play the happy couple for the beginning of the week and then he comes down here early and we have our little bit of normalcy before the race weekend begins.

It works. I’m happy with it.  To be honest I don’t know if I could handle him here all the time anyway.  This way I have the beginning of the week to get the car all prepped before he comes down.  Then I can focus on him, just like I focus on his car.  It would all be so perfect...if I didn’t have to look into a certain pair of blue eyes every single weekend.

The whistle of the cappuccino pulls me from my thoughts and I ready my espresso cup.  Watch the dark steaming fluid stream into the cup and I can hardly wait for it to stop before I’m grabbing the cup and blowing on it.  Take the tiniest sip, unable to wait anymore, and ignore the burn on my tongue.  I’ve become as much of an addict for this as I was the cigarettes and I know I’ll probably have to have at least one more before my mind calms enough to go back to bed.  You’d think the caffeine would have the opposite effect, but aren’t cigarettes stimulants too?  Either way it works and I’m not going to fight it because right now I need a fix.  Take a long drink and this time it doesn’t scald me quite so much.  Blow on it again but unfortunately the steaming liquid doesn’t clear my mind.  If anything it brings everything into focus.

The good thing is I know he loves his wife.  She’s the only reason I ever had a chance at all and I know it. Bring in baby Ella and I should be feeling better.  Jeff absolutely dotes on his girls and Ella has him wrapped around her finger so tight I can’t imagine him ever letting her go.  But what if married life goes stale?  What if one night he doesn’t want to go back to the happy little family? 

Dozens of moments every single weekend let me know what would happen next.  Every little touch no one seems to notice.  Every glance, every whispered inside joke only the two of them know.  There’s one person in this world who knows Jimmie inside and out and it’s not his wife.  It’s Jeff.  And I’m always terrified that one day he’s going to come back and take him away because....

I know he could.

Close my eyes and try to focus on the warm cup between my hands.  Nothing I’ve ever done will matter if he changes his mind.  I know it with my entire being.  If he came back, if he went after him I wouldn’t even stand a chance.  It doesn’t matter how many trophies, how many championships I’ve given him, it would all fall by the way side if “Jeffy” came back for his boy.

I’ve made him successful, almost from day one.  I’ve worked and made his career my world, but even from the beginning I wasn’t the one who got the credit.  It was Jeff.  Jeff who found him.  Jeff who gave him the chance.  Jeff who was the most amazing teammate and mentor and who even gave up his championship cars for Jimmie’s rookie year.  But who built those damn cars?  It wasn’t Jeff.  It was me!

Even now it’s still about Jeff and I know it.  He wanted to break Jeff’s record of two Championships in a row.  So what if he got two in a row.  A lot of drivers have gotten two in a row.  He should’ve been concerned with tying Cale Yarborough, but no.  It was all about doing something Jeff hadn’t.

Why does it always have to be about Jeff?  Why can’t it be about me?

Why can’t he share the same look with me he shares with Jeff?  Am I ever going to have him completely?  He tries to make me believe and to be honest, maybe he even believes it himself.  But I know better.  I know because not one weekend goes by those knowing blue eyes don’t lock with mine and let me know...I could be on borrowed time. 

“Chad?”

Open my eyes when I hear the sleepy voice behind me and curse softly under my breath.  The cappuccino machine must’ve woke him.  I should’ve known it would.  It’s not like it’s subtle. 

“Chad, you ok?”

“Yeah, Jimmie, I’m fine,” I tell him softly and sip at my espresso again.  It’s cooled enough so I can really drink it now and I swallow down a bigger sip, letting its warmth spread through me. 

“Couldn’t sleep again?”  I hear him shuffle across the floor and I close my eyes again when I feel his strong arms wrap around me from behind.  A soft kiss to my neck and I feel his words against my ear.  “Maybe if you laid off the espresso you might not be such an insomniac.  Ever thought of trying a nice glass of wine instead?”

Smile to myself and run one hand over his arm.  He’s made this suggestion before.  Even brought me a fancy bottle of red wine from New York to try.  I’ve never opened it and it has nothing to do with the fact that I know who really picked it out.  Wine, alcohol, it all has the wrong effect on me.  I need something to clear my mind.  To help me put things into focus.  Only then can I rest.  Alcohol clouds things up and makes it all worse.  I’ve tried to tell him before but apparently we aren’t wired the same way and he really doesn’t get it.  But it’s ok because I don’t need him to understand the ins and outs of how my mind works.  I just need him.

“Maybe next time, Jimmie.”  I think we both know I don’t mean the words but I feel him nod against my neck anyway.  He loves me.  I know he loves me and part of me even knows I probably couldn’t handle a relationship as intense as the one they once shared.  It’s not in me.  I can’t run on emotion.  I can’t just trust.  I have to over analyze everything and it’s always held me back.  But I do love him...so damn much.

“Come back to bed.  It’s lonely without you there.”  Slide my hand down his arm and squeeze his hand.  He really doesn’t like sleeping alone.  If it’s not me, it’s Chandra and surprisingly that’s never bothered me.  He likes to have a warm body next to him and I like it too...about three to four days a week.

“Alright.  Let me finish this.  I’ll be back up soon.  I promise.”  Feel his arms tighten around me and then his hands are on my hips, turning me around.  Stare into deep brown eyes more intense than I can handle half the time and feel his hands run up and down my sides.

“Don’t be long.”  Then he leans forward and captures my lips in a kiss so sweet and tender it takes my breath away.  He can always do this to me.  He can always make everything spin out of control just as I get it all figured out because when he kisses me those blue eyes never matter.  It’s just us in a world he weaves with his touch alone.  But like always he has to pull away and it never lasts.  Bottomless brown eyes meet mine again and a slow smile crosses his face.  “There’ll be more waiting for you upstairs.”  Then he slowly pulls away, hands sliding over my hips before turning to head upstairs.

I watch him until he disappears into the dark living room and then down the rest of my lukewarm espresso.  How is it he can turn everything on its head with one kiss?  It’s nothing more than a dream world and I know it.  It’s a taste of something that can’t possibly be real and something I’ll never fully possess.

Turn back to the cappuccino machine and start my second round.  I need to clear my head.  Despite what he said he will be sleeping when I get back upstairs.  He always is.  But I know as soon as I do slide back in bed he will wrap his arms around me.  I just wonder how much of it is because it’s me and how much of it is because he needs a warm body next to his.  Drum my fingers on the counter as the machine heats up again and try to push the third option out of my mind.  But I can’t.  I just can’t.

What if his need for a warm body isn’t only for a warm body.  What if in his sleep, in his head he’s somewhere else in someone else’s arms?

Hear the whistle of steam again and get my cup ready.  One more round, one more shot to clear my head and I’ll be ready to go back to his arms.  I have to make sure I don’t slip too much.  I have to make sure I don’t fall into that world that isn’t real.  Real is now.  Real is us.  Driver and crew chief.  Lovers and friends.  Three time champions.  It’s almost perfect.  And almost perfect is good enough for me.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com