We Live in Castles Built on Sand

Home : Stories by Zippit : Bittersweet Miracles : We Live in Castles Built on Sand

Summary: All we are is who we strive to be.

AUTHOR: Zippit
EMAIL: zippit@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr, Dale Jr POV
COMPLETED: January 26, 2008
WORD COUNT: 2,465
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was an unexpected addition to Cat's Painful Blessings, but Junior insisted. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to check out Junior's blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kevin Harvick Incorporated - Kernersville, North Carolina - December 30th, 2007

I shouldn’t be here. I know it the instant I step inside the doors. It’s not right. I’m the competition. This place is supposed to be sacrosanct to anyone but the guys who work here. Bite my lip and tap my right hand against my thigh in a nervous staccato; thumb, pinky, thumb, pinky.

Deep breath, I can do this. Rick and Richard gave me their blessings. I can do this. I offered. Scrub hand over my face and smile wanly at the secretary at the front desk. “Is-is everyone here?” At her nod, I ask her to show me how to close the front doors so she can join everyone else.

I don’t expect a warm welcome. I don’t expect a welcome at all. I’m only here to keep things running while Kevin…while things-while…. Swallow and navigate my way to the shop floor, getting lost in the endless hallways. Then when I finally sort things out, my hands slip against doorframes as I try to hurry ‘round corners.

I can’t keep them waiting. If anything, I should be apologizing for…everything. I’m not Junior in here. I’m just…Dale. Someone who wants to see this place succeed and be the best it can be. Wipe my hands against my thighs when I stop outside the entrance to the main shop. They’re milling about, talking to each other. I hope they don’t hate me.

Step inside and the low hum of their voices dies as word passes that I’m here. Wait till they’re all facing me, am I too casual? Dark jeans and a plain dark grey sweatshirt. I wanted to be normal, I didn’t want to be here as anyone but a friend trying to help out friends.

Spot a tire laying flat on its side near where I am and hop up on it. I want them to hear me. I want them to know. Clear my throat, encompassing them all as I look from one side of the packed shop to the other. I asked them all to be here, didn’t think many of them would show, not with it being so soon after DeLana’s funeral.

Bite my lip and my voice falters over the first few sentences, but steadies as I continue, rubbing my hands together. “Everyone…thank you for coming. Just, hear me out. What’s happened…is a tragedy and under any other circumstances y’all have every right to throw me out. But I’m here to help.”

“I know Kevin and...DeLana. I...consider them my friends and the pain Kevin is going through right now is beyond words. All I know is, he shouldn’t have to deal with anything but focusing on those sweet babies of his. Everything else doesn’t matter. Not right now.”

“But, the world doesn’t stop, not even for this.” Hard swallow and I have to be strong in front of them. Have to ignore their glittering eyes haunted with grief, all staring up at me, this interloper in their private hell. I have to be strong, be like Daddy, because DeLana is…was a presence that tied together the threads of all those she touched and I won’t let them fall apart. Rub my hands harder together and blow through them before continuing.

“KHI IS DeLana and Kevin’s baby too. She and Kevin built this place and have turned it into this wonderful organization which I know y’all already know. I know I’m an outsider and I know you don’t want me here, but I just want to make sure that when Kevin comes back, there’s still a KHI standing in tribute to all that he and DeLana built together.”

“I’ve asked Richard and Rick Hendrick to help too. I know, I know. Rick and I are the competition, but for once, put aside all of that and just let us be friends.”

“I’m not here to take over. I’m not here to do anything but keep this place alive and thriving until Kevin’s ready to come back.” Pause and take a deep breath, I’m not one for speeches, but the words are all there today, slipping off my tongue and I hope I’m showing them how I feel.

“I know I’ll stumble and do things that aren’t normally done, but I ask that you help me. Show me how you do things around here. Let me help you guys. I may do things you don’t like, things you find completely wrong from what you’re used to, but know this. I am doing them ALL to keep this place, KHI, like Kevin and DeLana would want it.”

“Their dream was to have a successful race team. They’ve succeeded. I want to keep that dream going, keep the life they breathed into this place going strong. Let me help.” Trail off slowly and look down before saying softly, “Thank you for coming. I’m sorry to have called you all in especially those who have family spending the holidays. I just wanted you to know. I’ll-I’ll be back in when the shop reopens if you’ll have me.”

Avoid the eyes of everyone and step down from the tire as the low hum of voices winds up like the rumble of a jet engine. I don’t know what they’re saying, I don’t want to know. I’ve said my piece and I just want to get out of here. I’m watching my feet as I make my way toward the door until a hand on my shoulder stops me.

Lift my head and gaze into Richard’s kind eyes. “You’re doing a good thing here.”

“Ain’t feel like it. Ain’t supposed to even be here.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and guides me the rest of the way out and is that…. “Rick? What’re you doing here?”

“Richard brought me along. Said something about how you were planning to show up at KHI to address the employees.” He gives me a gentle smile. “Moving speech you gave, Junior. I know you’ll do KHI good. Just remember you have JRM too.”

“I…err, I know. I won’t forget.”

“Good to hear. Kelley would have both our hides,” he says with an encouraging smile. It really shouldn’t be this easy, how it’s all happened. Seamlessly stepping in at KHI with Rick and Richard. Know it can’t last. Once the holidays are over and when I gotta dig into the depths of the goings-on of this place, it won’t be easy then. Oh god, I can’t work in their offices. I won’t. I’ll take over a boardroom or something. I ain’t gonna tread over them anymore than I have to. DeLana, please forgive me.

I’m swept out of the shop by Richard and Rick and they take me to some restaurant for lunch. It’s all a blur as I can’t focus. Don’t have the stomach for anything more than Sundrop as we talk about all the stuff that needs looking after. I know I’m gonna be relying heavily on them and Kelley to get me through this. I ain’t never really run a shop like I’m gonna be doing in the next few months. I just hope I don’t do something so stupid that it sends KHI into the ground.

~*~*~*~

Preseason Thunder Fan Fest Forum - Daytona Beach, Florida - January 15, 2008

It all seems so long ago when this all started, but it’s only been a few weeks since that day when I walked in and tried to hold a company together. Gaze out into the crowd and sometimes it surprises me how understanding most fans can be. They took it all in stride when it was said Kev couldn’t be here tonight.

 News ‘bout things went out pretty quickly and once the holidays were over I managed to get an official announcement about those sweet babies up on the website and an official press release out to the media. Nothing ‘bout me cause really, it’s nothing. Just doing my part. Rick and Richard have enough on their plates without taking on another shop. Least I can do cause I’m not quite as important ‘round JRM as Kelley and I can’t just sit by and do nothing.

Bounce my leg against the bottom rung of the chair they have me sitting in and glance down the row of other drivers sitting beside me in similar chairs. Ain’t like I don’t get along well with all of ‘em, just no one I really know. Vickers was gone long before I started at HMS and Mayfield and Blaney don’t exactly run in the same circles as I do. Just glad Kev doesn’t have to be here. He’s with those babies of his and that’s where he should be. He took his plane back and he’ll be back for practice tomorrow. Ain’t gonna hear of him Busch testing though. I’ll climb in those cars myself if I have to. He’s staying home after we’re done here with Cup.

I almost miss the question tossed my way and I can’t have that. Can’t let the fans know I ain’t nothing but 100% with them cause the moment something seems off, they’ll go digging and I don’t want that. My whole role at KHI right now, I don’t really want known outside of the NASCAR inner circles. It’s nothing big. Not even sure if I’m doing all the right things. I know people gripe and it's part of why I stepped in. There ain’t no way they could’ve gotten KHI up for the ‘08 season while dealing with this and worrying ‘bout if one of their own could handle the job. They can focus on their work while directing all the uncertainty and grief at me. I’m an outsider who has no place being in the shop and this way the company ain’t affected that much.

Let the answer to the fan’s question roll off my tongue and even toss it back to Vickers. It’s nothing soul shattering, just another innocuous question fans always have ‘bout our lives. They love us and without ‘em we wouldn’t be where we are today. Always thirsting for an inside to the NASCAR family we’re always on about. I just wish I’d had at least one of my teammates here. Be a little less lonely and I wouldn’t be constantly checking in on things at both KHI and JRM.

Gotta be careful I don’t run myself ragged. Kelley would kill me and she’d happily enlist Rick to help her do it too. I’ve crashed at Clint’s place far too often for my liking, but it’s either there or the couches at KHI. Damn place is so far from Mooresville. I’ve gotta find someplace nearer. The two hour round trip each day is just killing me and that’s just back to DMA. It’s even longer when I decide to head to the hospital. Laugh as I manage to catch the end of something Vickers says. He’s a good driver, just hope the ride works out for him at Red Bull.

For a moment, I watch the crowd hang rapt on our every word before I try to pretend I’m not in front of a couple hundred people. Catch the pendant of the bracelet I’ve taken to wearing ‘round my wrist and rub at the small engraving of Saint Nicholas. I’m playing a dangerous game wearing it as much as I have. Someone’s gonna spot it and start asking questions. As “open book” as I’m want to be, sometimes I’d like to keep the small pieces of myself to myself.

The questions always get repetitive in the end. It takes something really out there to get me to enjoy answering anything cause most of the time I’ve already said it in some form or another. Slip the bracelet into my pocket as we stand and wave to the crowd, the fan fest Q&A coming to an end. Call out goodbyes to the other guys as we each head off to our respective hotels with the typical cloak and dagger escort we get after fan events or maybe that’s just typical for me.

Sink back against the soft interior of the car and gaze out at the dark track. This place means so much to me, personally, professionally, and I got a new start this year. Wish Kev hadn’t gotten the rough end to the previous year like he did, but at least for tonight he’s back with those precious babies of his. Pull out my bracelet again and rub the face of the pendant. I was never that religious, but all of us need some form of hope. So what if I happen to use a form from a religion I only partially believe in? I like to keep a symbol of them near me especially when I’m in the car and I switch from the bracelet to a necklace. They’re little angels and I just want to carry a bit of their sweet innocence around with me because if I live my life, maybe they can take some of the energy from it and grow stronger.

Sigh as the lights of the hotel slide overhead as another night away from home looms. Give my thanks to the driver and head upstairs with Mike who rattles off my schedule for tomorrow. I’m thankful it only consists of testing and a small interview session after we’re done. Then I can send Kev home again and look in on the Busch teams. Wonder how they’ll react when I tell ‘em I’m testing the car instead of Kev. Shake my head and run my hand through my hair as I call a goodnight to Mike as we both disappear behind our hotel room doors. The work never ends, but as long as Kev doesn’t have to worry ‘bout anything other than those babies, I’m doing what I should be doing. I do need to stop by the hospital more though. Kev has a bad tendency to completely forget about himself unless prodded.

Wander through the hotel room getting ready for bed, it’ll be good to dive back into the racing come February even with all the “additional pressure.” For those few hours, I won’t have to worry about KHI, JRM, or those sweet babies. I can just race and pretend everything I touch is gold, not the precarious balancing act it’s all become. Sink into the bed and stretch out under the covers, gazing up at the dark ceiling while I play with my bracelet. Send up a quick prayer for Lana, Johnny, and Kev before rolling over and trying to sleep. Before long it’ll be another day, filled with more precious moments to savor, I’ve gotta stay strong. For their Momma’s memory. For their Daddy’s happiness.

These authors spend lots of time to write these stories. If you took the time to read this PLEASE take the time to give them some feedback. Happy writers write more ;-)

Zippit - zippit@cryptoffic.com