Hold Infinity in the Palm of Your Hand

Home : Stories by Zippit : Bittersweet Miracles : Hold Infinity in the Palm of Your Hand

Summary: Every moment’s precious, every moment’s an infinity until it ends.

AUTHOR: Zippit
EMAIL: zippit@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Dale Earnhardt Jr; Dale Jr POV
COMPLETED: June 10, 2008
WORD COUNT: 3,200
DISCLAIMER: If you recognize anyone in this piece, I am in no way affiliated with or know them personally. I am neither making a profit nor plan to do so. This is nothing more than an exercise in fiction. This is a result of an overactive imagination and I claim no truth to these words.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Title from William Blake’s The Auguries of Innocence. I adore the opening to that poem and it fit so perfectly for this story.
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Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - February 6th, 2008

I have sweet baby girl tucked against my chest, her baby green eyes gazing up at me as she waves her little arms. Johnny’s awake too, being a fussy little boy, and he’s fascinated by my St. Nick pendant. He snagged the bracelet the instant he saw it and he won’t let go. His poor tummy’s been hurting and since he feels better with a hand on him I have my hand inside his isolette, resting against his tummy. It’s a bit awkward because I have to keep Lana from catching her vent and yanking it off. Feisty baby girl.

Maybe I should’ve ordered a warrior princess bear instead of just a princess bear. But she can still be a warrior without looking it. They can be anything they want. With most of the garage already doting on them, evidenced by the continuous arrival of baby stuff, they’ll have no lack of backup for whatever they wanna do. I can see Richard being the indulgent grandpa. Maybe getting them a go-kart for their fifth birthdays. To see the look on Kev’s face…he’d either kill Richard or have a heart attack. One way or the other he’d be spazzing. To think I’d ever see him freak out over anything.

Laugh softly and reach out a finger to intercept Lana before she grabs the tube for her vent. Her small fingers curl tight around my finger and I coo softly at those bright eyes. Linda’s said they can’t focus on anything yet, but I swear she’s looking at me. Look up when I hear Amanda’s soft steps when she comes by to do her walk through the NICU and she just looks at me with a smile. I can only return it sheepishly because I’m entangled in babies and Johnny seems to have no intention of releasing my hand at all.

“You just let me know when you need to de-baby,” Amanda says with wink before moving on to check on the next occupant over. It’s five in the morning. What reason would I need to de-baby ? Glance down at Lana who now seems to be taking in the room to the left of us. Maybe I should’ve grabbed her bear too. Her little grabby hands could have something other than her vent to tug on. As for Johnny, he’s decided my hand is his new teddy bear. Look at me, I’m the human baby magnet.

It’s something they’re both awake right now cause Linda’s told me that they’re not often awake at the same time. They’re so teeny they tire out more often so by the time one’s ready to be awake the other’s exhausted. Poor sweethearts.

I’m not sure what Linda or Amanda think of me hanging around so much, but they’ve made me feel a part of things and for that I thank them. They told me and Kev we didn’t need the mask or gown awhile back and I conceded with dropping the mask but I just feel...safer with the gown on. Kev’s here often enough he’s become as sterile as the hospital environment around him, but I’m not. I have the animals and stops between KHI and JRM and every place in between. I can’t risk getting them sick just because I got complacent.

Look down to Lana and shift the rocking chair closer to Johnny’s isolette, humming softly to these two tiny bundles of mischief. Close my eyes and rock slowly so I don’t jostle the princess. I really can’t fall asleep with her on my chest, but it’s so quiet in here. Only the muted beep of monitors and the whooshing of air into the incubators whose occupants need it. Mister “I Can Sleep Anywhere” had a five o’clock flight into New York for his press circuit and I wanted to catch him before he left. Had an offer I needed to talk to him about and I’ve been here ever since. Wouldn’t be right to give him that offer then leave the babies.

I don’t know how he does it, being here all the time and not sleeping like he should though I’m one to talk. I’m probably as bad as him, the AMP just hides it better. Oh shit…wiggle my nose at the sneeze I feel building and does this really have to happen now when I got two handfulls of babies? Shift around in the chair, hoping it’ll go away, but I don’t have it that lucky. “Sorry, munchkin. I’m gonna need that hand back,” I say to Johnny and begin the slow process of untangling my hand. He’s got a strong grip as small as he is and I finally slide my hand free after a few moments of playing keep away from Johnny’s grip.

Bite my lip as his blue eyes close and his whole face scrunches up in preparation to cry. Quickly tuck his Daytona bear against him and watch as his hand immediately goes around a paw. Now I wonder if going with the chain for the St. Nick bracelet was such a good. An elastic cord would be much easier to get off in a hurry, but I wanted it to match the necklace and I’d never have figured Johnny would claim it as his own personal toy. Turn my head away from Lana and bring up my arm to cover my nose, sneezing into my elbow. I really hope I don’t get either of these two sick. It’s the last thing they need on top of everything else.

Shake my head as I look between Lana with her big green eyes looking up at me and her brother cuddling his new favorite bear. Harvicks. They never do what you expect them to. Lay my hand gently on top of the bear Johnny’s holding on to and brush my thumb over his tiny arm. They can be anything they want. Anything at all. They have so much waiting for them.

I tuck Lana closer against my chest as my eyes drift closed. They might be geniuses waiting to be discovered. They can race, be inventors, architects, business moguls, anything at all. And you know Kev will provide them with anything they desire at least in moderation. You can’t have two spoiled little brats running around. Slight grin and I open an eye to peer at them again. Lana’s stopped fidgeting and has managed to curl a hand into the blanket wrapped around her. Her other hand suddenly shoots up, making me chuckle. “Is that hand cold, sweetheart?” She just blinks at me then mewls. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ Alright then, let me make it all warm.”

Lean forward and press a kiss against her tiny, tiny fingers. Can babies get stubble burn? It’s bad enough their own body heat isn’t enough to keep them warm, adding stubble burn on top of that would just be cruel. Frown down at her and shift her more onto my chest. She grabs my lip and owww, she needs those nails of hers cut. Pout at her which makes her coo at me. I don’t care what they say Lana knows I’m making faces at her. Pretend to munch on her fingers before gently turning my head to dislodge her tiny hand then reach up with my free hand to catch hers and tuck it under the blanket.”You’re gonna be a little troublemaker when you grow up aren’t you? Gonna be a little Daddy’s girl and be just like him.”

A mini-Kev running around. Female too. Causing havoc and it’s a near thing I don’t bust out laughing. Glance to Johnny’s isolette and he’s peering at me from under his bear with this look on his face and I’m gone. I completely lose it. I’m trying to hold Lana so she doesn’t jostle around too much and trying not to sound like a complete lunatic, but oh god, what’d we ever do to deserve three Kevs running around?

Wipe at my eyes as I finally get my laughter under control and check to make sure Lana’s not getting fussy cause I was being silly. She’s just burbling at me. Figures. Only a Harvick would laugh at someone who’s gone temporarily insane. Check Johnny and he’s just snuggled with his bear more and is now testing out the joys of not being a tadpole and having legs to move around.

They really could be anything. They don’t have to be racers. With that Harvick determination and fire from both their parents, they could conquer the world if they wanted. It couldn’t be too bad living under Harvick rule. Chuckle softly to myself and rest my hand lightly against Lana. They could be concert pianists. Be in high demand on all the stages of the world, could even play at Carnegie Hall. Be the prettiest or handsomest little pianists the world ever saw. Maybe they could even teach me a thing or two. They’d have a ball teaching their ol’ godfather how to play something that’s second nature to them like racing is to me. I might actually have the time to learn by the time they’re old enough for that.

It’d be cool to have them running around the house like that. Filling it with their laughter and taking over Whisky River as part of their own little world cause what’s mine is theirs and they’ll call me the “cool” uncle or maybe just the weird one. Rock the chair a little harder and brush my lips against Lana’s hair. Well…that’s if Kev accepts my offer. The look on his face…and yeah he had to rush out the door for the airport, but…. I dunno. Maybe he wanted someone else. Anyone else but me cause I know the reputation I got. It’s not me any longer but I’ve never had kids so why would he trust me with them?

I wonder when they’re three times their current size if I’ll still be their favored uncle or if someone else in the garage will have taken my place. I wonder if Kelley will have loosened up by then because they deserve to have cousins and a big family, just like I did. Cause what’s better than getting in whole heaps of trouble with your cousins? How close will I really be that far down the line? He’ll be taking care of them for a long while by then and will he really want them to know me? I can only hope. I’m not gonna let myself forget these sweet ones due to time or distance. I’m gonna be a part of their lives.

Stop Lana from ripping out her vent and she fusses at me, kicking her tiny feet and waving her arms in protest. “Stop being a naughty princess. You know you need that vent. You’d sleep all the time without it.” Tap her nose lightly with a finger and that seems to get her attention as she stops moving and just stares up at me. Sweet little angel. They still have such a long way to go and there are no guarantees in this sport we enjoy so much. I don’t want them ending up with someone who has to take care of them and doesn’t care about them at all. Maybe it wouldn’t be like Teresa but DeLana’s mom hasn’t even been by and I have no idea about Kev’s family but I tend to think he’d hate sending his babies to them.

There’s the RCR family and Clint and sure they love the babies and want them to get well, but could they handle taking care of them? Wouldn’t they begin to resent them? Step-children are step-children no matter which way they come into the family. These babies don’t deserve that. Not with the hard road ahead of them as it is. They’re not gonna end up in some home where the people who care about them don’t. Not along with not knowing their momma or their daddy. No way. No fucking way. If there’s any way I can stop that from happening….

I’ve made my offer and it’s up to Kev now. If he says no, he says no, but I’ll make damn sure whoever he grants the privilege of looking after his babies loves these babies as if they were their own. That’s the least they’d deserve after all the tragedy that would’ve befallen them. And I’ll let Lana and Johnny know they’ll always have a place with me if they ever need it. Everything else is just a stupid dream that ain’t ever gonna come true. Cause why would it? I know better than that. It’s a crush that should’ve died years ago and I have no damn clue why it’s still plaguing me now. The babies need their Daddy and their Daddy needs to only have to worry about them. That’s all I’m doing, providing that freedom for them, because every moment’s precious, every moment’s an infinity until it ends.

And those thoughts about a soft kiss, a smile in velvet green eyes, an arm around my shoulders, an early morning hug, all those ordinary moments, all those daydream moments? All those will never be mine and I should stop thinking of those infinities.

It’s not like I didn’t know back then. Not like I’m stupid. They only had eyes for each other and I wasn’t gonna interfere with that. They deserved happiness. Anyone who can find happiness with one person and stay with that person in the course of their career in this sport needs to hold onto them for dear life. So I contented myself with being Kev’s friend. We had a lot in common. We both miss the man whose shadow we live under. We share the expectation, the grief, and I think maybe even the same spark that drives us. We come at it different ways, but it burns the same.

So I was his friend, anything else forgotten under the test of time and the sweep of our lives. Until now. I won’t ever. I could never. He won’t know. No one will know cause it’s just a stupid crush. I adore his babies but the same could be said of Karsyn and Kennedy. I adore them just as much. So what if they’re not my flesh and blood? And fuck it, my emotions aren’t coloring what I feel for these babies. Watching them day after day struggling to live, struggling to just be babies, how could you not love them?

We’re in a sport where the hard times are cyclical, where it’s only a matter of time before it’s your turn to hit the rough patch. We all root for the underdog, it’s part of human nature, and with how innocent these sweet ones are, how can anyone resist?

No, it’s not about me. Never was. I’m the one thing in his world he can find constant. I’ll always be around. Always be there. Everything changes from day to day, week to week, but I’ll be there. It’s not the same, but then it is the same as when we lost Daddy. Nothing was constant. About the only thing was climbing into the car and being told to drive. But then it wasn’t normal. Tributes at every track, silences on lap three…I couldn’t escape. All I could do was do what they told me and find time for my own grief when I could. I just want to make it easier on him. Just him, the babies, and driving the car every week. Nothing else. No dealing with sponsors in regards to KHI, just the ones on the Cup side and even then I’m taking as many of those as they’ll let me have.

Just you know, there’s never enough time to grieve. You grieve on the fly, suck it up and deal, cause the racing never stops no matter how much you want it to. All anyone can do is try to lose themselves in doing what they do best and for us that’s racing. You gotta take the good times with the bad and just roll with it. It sucks and in an ideal world you wouldn’t have to, but it ain’t an ideal world. It’s never been an ideal world.

An ideal world would have DeLana here taking care of these babies, Kev not broken and barely holding it together, and DeLana’s mom here gushing over her grandkids instead of blaming them for the loss of her daughter. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t. Same with Kelley, but I’m not going to abandon him. I’m not going to stand on the sidelines and watch him fall apart, not while I can do something about it.

Mike’s worried, Kelley’s barely even speaking to me, and I don’t even want to know what Tony Junior thinks about the whole thing. Glance to Johnny and his face is all drawn tight as he snuggles his bear and stretches his legs. Look to Lana and she yawns at me before closing her eyes and letting out a soft sound as she curls against my chest.  It’s princess’ bedtime while poor Johnny has to deal with his tummy. I reach over and stroke his head softly and his eyes meet mine. “Don’t worry, munchkin. Uncle Junior’s here and Daddy will be back soon. He just has to go to New York for a bit,” I say softly then smile before continuing, “Maybe he’ll bring you back a bear?”

Smile to myself, I can’t even imagine the look on Kev’s face if either of his babies grew up to be socialites like Jeff or Jimmie. He’d probably blame it on DeLana’s side of the family because where else would that have come from? Kev’s more than happy to be nothing more than a redneck racing cars even if he did start out in California. Lana would make a beautiful California Princess though I bet she’d hate the dumb blonde references as much as her Momma must’ve.

Curl my arm more protectively around said princess and gaze at her fondly when I see she’s fast asleep. Tuck her closer against me while I rock the chair and watch her brother worriedly. She’s peacefully asleep, but Johnny’s still squirming around in discomfort. Reach over and let him wrap a hand around my finger and sing softly to him. I don’t really know why but they seem to sleep easier when I sing to them. Maybe it’s the constant source of sound that soothes them because lord knows I’m not that much of a singer. I guess singing would have less of the jagged edges and peaks that could come with reading or speaking to them. Whatever the real reason, watching the lines fade from his face as his eyes close and he settles into the same contented sleep Lana has already slipped into is worth using my less than stellar singing voice. I’ll sing myself hoarse if I have to if it helps these babies in any way and I’ll be here waiting with them for their Daddy to come home.

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Zippit - zippit@cryptoffic.com