Sweet Dreams

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : Sweet Dreams

Summary: Kevin muses over June’s friendship.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kevin POV
COMPLETED: August 28, 2008
WORD COUNT: 5,135
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To Zippit for the excellent beta. Thanks so much hun!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story includes a flashback giving us a glimpse into how things were before June became the babies Godfather and just how unstable Kevin was.
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Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - February 27, 2008

They live in a land of bears.

Or at least that’s what I think it must look like to them.  I’ve been here as much as I can be, at least that’s what I tell myself, and I know they’ve had the best nurses in the whole world.  But when I’m not here, or when the nurses are too busy, their constant companions are the little bears Junior’s showered over them during their short little lives, and sometimes I wonder what they think of them.

As they’ve grown and needed less tubes and wires for support inside their incubators, more and more of the little bears have found their way inside with them.  It started with the soft little pink and blue bears he got right after they were born, but since then they’ve been steadily multiplying.  I’m starting to think that’s the way they want it, especially since it was Johnny who refused to let go of his Daytona bear one day. 

June was holding him that night, playing with the little bear, making it dance for him even though from what I’ve been told his little eyes couldn’t have really focused on it even if he wanted to.  But it didn’t seem to matter.  Johnny was happy with everything June did, just like he always is.  Just like they both always are.  Back then I still couldn’t understand why he would come and spend so much time with us.  Now when I look back it just seems right he’s been there from the beginning.  Their godfather should know everything they’ve accomplished and everything they’ve lived through.  It just seems right.

Slowly rock Lana to sleep and smile as I remember the night I was doing the exact same thing when I heard Johnny start to get fussy.  Poor Junior, he wasn’t used to their little cries then, especially not when he was holding them.  Later, he’d smile and tell me they sounded like sweet little kittens when they cried, but back then I could tell he was all but ready to panic.  He hadn’t been with them all the time like I had and I knew immediately Johnny was just being fussy because it wasn’t the sad little sound he made when his tummy hurt.  No, he just wanted to have his way and that meant not giving up his bear.

It was late, well past the time Junior should’ve left, so I wasn’t surprised he was trying to get Johnny in his isolette.  What was surprising was watching Junior try to bargain with a teeny little infant that was every bit as stubborn as him.  Rub Lana’s back softly as I remember the pleading look on his face as he begged  Johnny to please give him the bear.  He could’ve just pulled it away but June’s too sweet for that.  Who knew Earnhardt was such a softie?

JGCH - NICU - February 2, 2008 (~three weeks before)

“Johnny, please.  I promise you can have him later.  You’ve got your little blue bear.  Don’t you like your little blue bear?  Your blue bear misses you.  C’mon Johnny, please leggo.  Don’t cry, oh please don’t cry.  Shhhhhh….”

Smile when I hear his soft words and I swear I don’t know when I’ve seen anything so precious as NASCAR’s most eligible bachelor bargaining with a preemie to give up his favorite toy.  I know I should rescue him but I haven’t gotten to hold Lana much and she’s been so fussy with her nose vent going on and off.  The tape irritates her skin and she’s finally gotten comfortable in my arms, I really don’t want to distract her.  Watch them another moment until it looks like Junior’s going to be the one crying and I call out softly to him.

“June, it’s ok.  If he wants it let him have it.”  Shoot him a soft smile when his head snaps up, looking for all the world like he just got caught doing something wrong.  “It’s ok.  If he likes the Daytona bear more we can replace the blue one or just put them both in.  It doesn’t have anything that can come off or anything, right?”  Smile a little more when he shakes his head and chuckle very, very softly.  “Besides, if he’s anything like me he’s just going to throw a fit until he gets his way.”

That finally gets a smile from him and it looks like he’s starting to relax.  Good. I swear if he decides to stop coming…I just don’t know what I’ll do.  I know it’s not his place but Johnny really seems to like him and I don’t want him to lose that.  I know once the season starts there’s no way Junior’s going to have time for this, and he shouldn’t even be here anyway.  Maybe I should just--

“Now why doesn’t that surprise me?”  Look back towards him at his words and have to force myself to take a slow breath when I see his smile.  I need to stop doing that, stop panicking.  Lana’s already starting to squirm slightly.  God I hope she’s not picking up on my fear of being alone.  It’s just so easy for me to lose it lately.  It’s like I can’t even remember who that hardass I used to be is.  Now it’s all about them and making sure they’re ok, I just don’t know how I’ll ever be able to handle this all on my own.  “Kev, are you ok?” 

“What?  Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” I tell him quickly and rock Lana slowly in the rocking chair.  Damn, could he really tell I was upset just by looking at me?  How does he do that?  “Just a little tired I guess.”  See that Johnny has completely quieted down now that Junior has given him back his bear and I hope he can stay just a little longer.  They both love to be held so much.  But I really shouldn’t be keeping him here….

“You need to get more rest.  You’re not going to do them any good wearing yourself out like this.”  His voice takes on a softer tone as Lana starts to completely relax again.  “Would you mind if I came back tomorrow?  Maybe hold them some more?”

I swear maybe his fans are right, maybe he is a God.  Look back to him and I hope he can see the gratitude in my eyes if not hear it in my voice.  I know he doesn’t have to do this but I swear I’ll take anything I can get…for them.  “Yeah, yeah if you wouldn’t mind.  I think, no I know, they’d love that.”  Smile when I see Johnny’s baby death grip on the bear’s paw.  “He really does love that Daytona bear.  You planning on corrupting him already?”

“He’s a Harvick.  Was there ever another option?”  Smile at his teasing and the whole scene gives me a warm feeling inside that I don’t want to let go.  It’s so nice to be able to share this, share them, with someone I know really cares.  He’s already brought them their first toys.  Honestly, they’re actually starting to get a little collection. 

Before long we might have to find more ways to display them because I refuse to let anyone take them away.  They are a testament to every little accomplishment they’ve made, to every day they’ve fought to be alive and I won’t take that away from them.  June’s bought bears for their one month birthday, for every track we’ve gone to for testing, for Johnny getting off his vent and Lana for just being a princess.  Every one marks a time they were shown love and I know it’s not just for them that I cherish the bears.  I love them because I know when I look at them that on some level, we’re not alone.  I’m not alone.  And I need that every bit as much as they do.

“Of course not,” I finally reply to him and shoot him the best version of my “trademark Harvick smile” that I can manage.  “I just think it’s interesting you have him loving the Daytona bear over the Cali bear.  Are you trying to win him over to your Earnhardt ways?”

Amused smile as he settles back in the other rocking chair.  “Maybe I am,” he replies with a teasing sparkle to his bright blue eyes.  “Maybe I’ll just have to teach him the special secrets to restrictor plate racing one day because you know it’s all an Earnhardt family secret.”

Bite my lip to keep from laughing and waking Lana at the smug look on his face.  I really do love his sense of humor.  I always have.  But I guess growing up with his name and the media circus that revolves around him he has to either find a way to play along or lose his mind.  “I guess I just got lucky last year then, hmm?”

“Oh yeah, you know, I have to let others win every once in awhile or people might think there’s a ‘conspiracy’ or something.”  This time it’s his turn to attempt to smother his laughter and he doesn’t do a very good job, not that Johnny seems to mind.  He’s being held and has his bear.  He’s good to go.

“Riiiiight, right, so I guess you’ve been sending those secrets over to Hendrick the last few years then?  Giving them a head start were you?” 

“Oh, yeah, of course I was cause you know the whole me moving to Hendrick has been a secret evil plan for a looooong time now.”  Watch as he nods and I can’t believe he keeps a straight face.  “I’ve been working with the enemy long before that Texas race last year.  People just didn’t notice.”

Silence falls between us for a moment at his words but it doesn’t last long.  I don’t know which one of us starts to giggle first but before I know it I’m having to blink back tears as I rock Lana and try not to wake her.  I’m only partially successful because she does blink her big green eyes at me, but only for a moment.  I guess laughter is a happy noise even to a baby.  She doesn’t seem to get upset.  She just snuggles against my chest and goes back to sleep.  Who knows, maybe I should laugh more often?

Look over to Dale who’s just barely keeping himself together and I can see he’s enjoying himself as much as I am.  I swear, a year ago we hardly had time to even hang out like we used to, I never dreamed that one day we’d be mocking the conspiracy theorist fans and insane media while holding two tiny babies.  My two tiny babies.  It’s times like this I wonder if this all is a dream and I’ll just wake up next to D and it’ll all be over.  And I’m really not sure how that makes me feel….

“You really are an amazing dad, Kev.”  Raise my eyes from watching Lana and see the concern written across his face.  He must know this look on me.  I know he’s seen it more than once…and that he’s done a lot to try and keep my mind on other things.  But sometimes I need to think about it, to think about her.  And I wonder…if maybe I should talk about her.  I’m just...I’m not sure how.

“Thanks,” I tell him softly and wrap my open shirt a little more around Lana as much as I can.  The nurses had a name for holding them this way, kangaroo something or other.  At first I was terrified to hold them and it felt so strange.  I was so scared of screwing up and hurting them somehow.  But now, I can’t imagine anything more natural than their tiny weight on my chest, sucking up all the body heat they can.  I just wonder how D would have handled all of this….

“She’d be really proud of you, ya know?”

“What?”  Look over to see him chewing the inside of his cheek.  He seems to do that a lot when he’s thinking about something.  But he doesn’t usually have that deer in the headlights look.  He’s never brought her up before and I wonder why he has now.  Sometimes it really does seem like he reads my mind.  Close my eyes and just focus on Lana, my little piece of D for a moment, before answering him softly.  “I like to think so…but sometimes I wonder….”

“Kev, no one could do more than you,” he says tentatively after awhile and I’m sure I know why.  The only other times we’ve ever really talked about her were through my choked sobs and I know he doesn’t want to upset me.  Not here.  Not with them.  Swallow hard and slowly open my eyes.  I can feel they’re watery, but I’m not gonna cry.  I’m not.  I can’t.  Not when I’m holding Lana.  I’m going to hold it together.

“Maybe…now,” I murmur soft and swallow against the lump in my throat again.  “But before…June, she should’ve seen her babies.  Sometimes I wonder… if this is all real.  I wonder if I’m just going to wake up one day and she’ll be here and all of it would’ve just been a dream and…and….”

I can’t finish it.  I can’t bring myself to say it.  How can I?  She was my entire world.  She was my everything and we had so many damn plans.  We had a whole life together.  How can I possibly even think just for a second--

“And you don’t want to.”

Oh god, he gets it.  Close my eyes tight and take a slow breath as I very lightly stroke Lana’s back.  Is it wrong of me?  If you’d asked me a month ago if I’d lose them to have her back there wouldn’t even have been a question.  She was my wife.  The one I’d chosen over everyone else in the world to share my life with.  Of course I’d chose her.  We could’ve had more children.  We could’ve gotten through it together.  But now…now I’m not so sure.  Now I can’t imagine ever losing them…even if I got her back….

“Kev, hey.”  Feel his hand on my forearm and before I know it he’s wiped away a tear that’s somehow escaped.  “It’s ok.  It’s ok.  You’ve been with them so much, given so much…”

But he’s wrong.  It’s wrong.  She was my soul mate.  I shouldn’t be letting go of that, even in my mind.  Children grow up, leave, get their own lives.  It’s your spouse that’s supposed to be with after all of that.  That’s how I’ve always felt.  That’s how it was with me, how it was supposed to be with us.  What’s wrong with me?  How can I betray her this way? 

“Kevin, Kev….”  His voice is tentative and I still can’t even look at him.  I’m too damn ashamed.  “Kev, didn’t you tell me….”

He trails off and I finally open my eyes because I want to know what he was going to say.  He has a look of deep concentration on his face as he watches Johnny in his arms and I wonder what he’s thinking.  What did I tell him?  Why did he stop?  “June, it’s ok.  You can tell me.”

His eyes slowly rise to meet mine and for once they’re completely unreadable.  He bites the inside of his lip and then finally takes a deep breath before speaking soft and even,  “You told me she said to put them first.”  Eyes lock with mine and I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to.  “It’s what she wanted, Kevin.  You’re doing exactly what she wanted.  That’s not wrong.  Can’t you see that?”

Suck in a sharp breath as I remember bright blue eyes, the most determined I’ve ever known, locking with mine as she grabbed my hand, squeezed it hard and commanded me to put them first…to let her go.  I try not to think about it.  I don’t want to think about it.  But he’s right, fuck it all he’s right.  She wanted to make sure they were ok before they worried about her.  She never, ever would’ve forgiven me for over ruling her.  I know that like I know my own name….

And it’s just not fair.

Why did she get to make that choice for both of us?  Why did she get to decide it was her time to go because I know damn well that’s what she was doing.  She was letting me go and she didn’t have the right!  But now, after holding them and praying over them and worrying myself sick more times than I can count….

“You’re right,” I manage to croak past the lump in my throat.  “She did…make that choice.”  Lean my head against the back of the high backed rocker and I can’t think about this anymore.  I won’t.  I’m not ready.  I’m just…not.  Stifle a yawn that seems to have come out of nowhere and slowly blink my eyes open to stare at the ceiling.  I should get some rest.  I don’t even know how late it is and if I stay here much longer….  I’m not gonna upset the kits.  Not when they’re so peaceful right now.  “It’s late.  You should go….”

“We both should.”  Look over to him as he stands, holding Johnny close to his chest and I can already see Linda coming over to get Johnny all situated and back into his isolette.  I really should let her do Lana too while she’s here.  Watch as she gently takes Johnny from June with a practiced hand and she doesn’t even try to take away his bear.  I guess it’s settled.  Johnny gets an extra little friend to sleep with tonight.  Turn my attention to the teeny bundle on my chest and part of me doesn’t want to let her go.  But I’m already having a hard time keeping my eyes open. 

“Is she ready, Kevin?”  Smile at the words and look up into one of the kindest faces I’ve ever known.  With her and Amanda it’s always about “them,” just like it should be.  It’s not about if I’m really to pass her off.  I wonder if she knows how much it comforts me that someone like her is here when I’m not.

“Yeah, I think she is.”  Stay still as Linda carefully picks her up and she barely even wakes.  I guess she really is ready for bed.  Stand and stretch my back as I watch Linda attach the extra monitors for her breathing and heart rate before adjusting her little pink bear so it’s within easy reach.  My sweet little girl.  I hope you have sweet dreams, though I have no idea what they could be.

Turn around to look over Johnny and smile when I see he’s still holding on to his bear.  June’s right.  He really is as stubborn as I am.  But if holding on to that little bear makes him happy then by all means he should have it.  I just wonder what he thinks he’s holding on to.  Or maybe he doesn’t, maybe he just needs the comfort of knowing he’s not alone.  God knows I know that feeling all too well. 

Feel the emotion well up in my chest again and I trace my fingers over his isolette,  silently wishing him sweet dreams and restful sleep just like I did Lana before finally heading for the door.  Every step away from them seems to be harder and harder and by the time I reach the door I can feel the hitch in my chest as I suck in a breath.  When I’m with them it’s so much easier.  When I’m holding them I almost feel ok.  But every time I leave the loneliness is almost suffocating.  That’s one thing I really haven’t explained to June yet, that I spend so much time with them for me as much as them.

Hit the button for the door release when I remember I need to get my journal so Junior can do the updates for me.  Turn to go back but that’s when I see he’s already got it, once again reading my mind.  How does he do that and more importantly…why does he do it?  Give him a small smile when my eyes lock on the spiral bound notebook and then head out of the NICU once the door slides open.  Stop a few paces from the door and wait as I hear June pull off the disposable gown he had on over his clothes.  The nurses told me I don’t have to wear one when I hold them on my chest the way I was, but I think June feels better with one on.  Never really asked him why.

“Kev, are you…ok?”

His voice is more tentative than it usually is and I’m sure it’s because he’s trying not to upset me.  I’ve already bounced between so many different emotions tonight, it’s no wonder he’s cautious.  I know I’ve had some hard mood swings with him before, I just hope he knows it’s not his fault.  Sometimes I just don’t know how to control my own emotions.  Like now, when I don’t have the faintest idea what to tell him.

I know I’ve been worse.  I’m not completely dead on my feet.  I’m not so sick with worry I feel like I’m going to throw up.  The kits are resting.  They’re as stable as they have been and I should be happy.  But I know, I know how fast things can turn around.  In just an instant everything can go so wrong.  But it’s not just that.  I’m getting to where I can handle that.  I’m getting used to the constant worry that is my life now.  I’m even getting used to the fucking hole inside that she always used to fill, the constant ache that I don’t think will ever go away.  But the loneliness.  God the fucking loneliness. 

Feel a hand on my arm and that’s all it takes to have me spinning around into open arms.  Don’t even think about it, just take the comfort that’s offered for however long it lasts.  Strong arms go around me and I don’t think twice, just lean into his embrace as I feel myself shake lightly.  It’s not like it has been.  I don’t completely lose it.  But sometimes the ache inside is just too much and I can’t stop the tears from falling.

Comforting hands rub my back and soft reassuring words are whispered against my ear.  It’s nothing profound or anything, but somehow just the sound of his voice helps me relax.  I’ve seen him do the same with Johnny when he fusses and it seems to have the same affect.  Who knew Earnhardt would be the one able to calm me down?  Lean into his arms, savoring the feeling of not being alone for a few more long moments before finally pulling back and quickly wiping at my eyes.

“Well…we didn’t end up on the floor with me bawlin’ my eyes out so…I’d say that’s an improvement, right?”  Flash a smile that I know doesn’t completely reach my eyes and Junior hesitates a moment before returning my smile.  I probably caught him off guard with my sarcasm.  It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he finally replies and I hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable but there’s only so much I can bear to face in one night.  Maybe one day I can talk more about…her.  But not now.  Now I need to try and get some rest.  They’re gonna need me in the morning.  I just wonder if he was serious about coming back tomorrow.  “So, you want a ride back to the hotel?”

“I can wa--” I start to say but at the look he gives me I reconsider my words.  The hotel is just on the other side of the parking lot and I’ve walked it more than once but if he wants to drive me….  “Sure.  That sounds good.”

“Good,” he tells me simply and hands over my spiral after taking out the new pages I’ve written.  Watch as he folds them and slips them in his pocket and part of me wonders what he does with them.  I know he copies them to the blog he made for us, but I wonder what he does with the rest, not that it really matters.  They’re just papers I don’t know that I’d even want to look at again.  I don’t know.  As much as the journal helps it also reinforces my isolation because I could never see myself doing it if she were still….

Run my hand over my face when June shoots me a concerned look and shake my head slightly.  “I’m fine.  Just…tired.”  Let out a small sigh of relief when he doesn’t press me, not like he ever does, and turn to follow him out to his truck.  Hug the spiral to my chest and as my eyes lock on his back I realize I’m glad he takes these pages from me.  It lets every day, or almost every day, start out as a fresh sheet of paper.  There is no looking back.  Not now.  Now I need to live in the now. 

Follow him blindly out the side door of the hospital across the well lit parking lot and it’s only then that I realize he didn’t bring the big red truck today.  Watch the light bounce off the gleaming, black ‘08 Vette and for some reason it makes me smile.  It’s a gorgeous car.  I know from experience how much fun the Z06 could be thanks to some very entertaining Chevrolet appearances, but I hadn’t even seen the ZR1 yet.  Leave it to Earnhardt to have one right off the line.  Smile across the car at him when he unlocks it.  “New toy?”

“You could say that.”  Slow grin crosses his face as he opens the door and I know that look.  It’s the look we all get when we climb behind the wheel of a new car.  That’s one of the best perks of our job since more times than not the keys are just handed over to us in return for a half hour appearance or an afternoon photo shoot.  Either way this thing is beautiful. 

Open the door and sink into the soft leather seat and a slow smile curls across my lips as he cranks the engine.  Close my eyes for a moment, just to hear it purr and feel myself relax.  Why is it that sometimes I feel so much more comfortable in a car than my own bed? 

“So, tomorrow then?”

Crack my eyes at his words and give him a grateful smile.  I wonder if he has any idea how much he’s helped me already by just being around.  “Yeah, we’ll be here and I know they’d love to see you.”  And so would I.  It’s good not to be alone.

JGCH - NICU - February 27, 2008 (present day)

And I haven’t been.  Not really.  Not as much as I thought I was then.  That night I had no idea June drove around for two hours just to let me sleep in the car before finally taking me to the hotel.  Back then, I really thought it was me and Johnny and Lana against the world.  But it wasn’t.  I just didn’t know it yet.  I didn’t know June was talking to his sister to find out what papers he’d need to “officially” be their godfather.  I had no idea he’d wanted to make that big of a commitment to them and me.  That alone has taken more of a weight off my shoulders than I ever imagined.

I’m not alone.

I know that with every single bear that sits in and outside their little beds.  At first I just thought it was a sweet thing, something people did when they came to visit.  It wasn’t until later that it really hit me that every time he went out and bought those little bears, he was thinking about us.  Sure there are bears for every track we’ve gone to as well as sponsor bears for both of us and his teammates.  Those were probably easy to come by.  The HMS bears he probably picked up at the shop.  The JRM bears too.  But then you have things like the knight and princess bears complete with pouches to hang them on the isolettes.  I have no idea where he came up with those.  I just came in one day and there they were.

He thinks of us, even when he’s not here and somehow that’s comforting, just to know that someone else out there cares like I do.  For so long I didn’t see it, and then for even longer I thought it was just about them.  But it’s not.  I’m starting to see that now.  He cares about all of us, me as much as them, though I’m still not completely sure why.  Maybe it has to do with the friends we once were when we were a lot younger or maybe Junior just likes to take on head cases like me.  Either way I know on some level he’s trying as hard to keep me sane as he is trying to take care of Johnny and Lana.

I really started to see that in California when we drove all the way to Bakersfield just so he could try my favorite milk shake of all time.  That wasn’t about them.  That was about me and letting me feel at home for a little while, to feel a little more me even if I did feel a little guilty afterward.  He helped me remember that there still was a me under the whole “Daddy” thing and it’s taken me a little while to see that.  But I have no doubt that that’s what it was about, just like the poker games and everything else he’s done for me.

Kiss the top of Lana’s head softly and smile to myself at how content she feels against my chest.  I’ll need to move her back to her isolette soon so I can cuddle her brother.  I really hate that I can’t hold them both at once, but at least this way I’m always getting to hold one of them and that still comforts me as much as them.  Glance over to Johnny, still sleeping soundly and I smile at the little bear he’s holding on to tonight and once again wonder what they see when they dream.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com