Outside Looking In

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Summary: Clint gets an unexpected view of life inside the NICU.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Clint Bowyer, Kevin Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Clint POV
COMPLETED: June 22, 2008
WORD COUNT: 2,490
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To Zippit for the excellent beta. Thanks so much hun!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All I can say is I love this point of view.
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Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - February 18, 2008

This…is not what I was expecting at all.

This morning when Athena convinced me to go deliver the little preemie outfit she picked out for Lana I had no idea I’d be walking into…this.  Kev had mentioned there was some stuff coming up for Johnny, but he didn’t go into the details.  He never usually does, but that could be because I never ask for specifics.  It’s not that I don’t care, it’s more I don’t know what to say.  So I keep him informed on the rest of the world, try to keep him distracted or entertained when he needs it and generally just be a friend.  That’s what I thought I was gonna do today.

I showed up a little before lunch time with pizza from Junior’s favorite place, since I knew he’d be here, and Lana’s new “outfit” all wrapped up in a cutsie little gift bag.  Athena’s mom is in town so they were going out and according to her she thought it would be nice for me to go spend some time with the guys.  I didn’t disagree, though I did feel a little strange carrying around the cutie bag with baby ribbons, but maybe that’s just me.  I figured I’d show up, have lunch in the little family room and then head out.  I had no idea Johnny would be in the middle of an hour long surgery that could be the difference in him losing sight in his right eye.

Kevin wouldn’t even leave the NICU at first.  June said he wouldn’t let Lana go.  He just sat and held her and rocked her and whispered things no one else could hear.  I guess with having one under the knife it makes some kind of sense to cling to the other.  I just wish I knew something to say other than I’m sorry.

I have no idea how June does it.  Ok, maybe I do a little bit.  He loves him.  That makes a huge difference and I know it.  I remember when we were kids Mom was sick for awhile and I was the one who helped look after her.  It wasn’t exactly something I was really wanting to do, but with Dad working someone had to do it so I just did it.  It wasn’t anything major.  Only a bad bout of pneumonia but still, it was something, and I didn’t even think about it.  That has to be how it is for Junior.  When someone you love needs you, you just act and don’t think about the cost.  Now I wonder, does it make me a bad friend that I can’t do that?

Look over at the pizza box on the waiting room table and I know without opening it it’s still half full.  June had a few pieces when he came out to see me and I think he forced one piece into Kevin.  God, Kevin.  I swear he looked delirious when he finally shuffled into the small waiting room.  I’m worried about him.  We all are.  The way things are going I don’t have a clue how he’s going to survive the season.  I don’t even know how he got through Daytona Speedweeks being away for so long.  But they have to get better, right?  At some point they’re gonna leave the sterility of this place and go home, right?  I just hope that turns out to be a good thing and doesn’t break Kevin completely because with how he’s going now…I’d hate to see him trying to take care of them both on his own.

But he won’t be on his own, will he?

Walk over to the glass aquarium that is the intensive care unit for tiny babies and watch them with Johnny.  They said that the anesthesia can cause apnea and the best thing in the world for him is to be held so they can shake him if he stops breathing.  June said they’ll need to do that until the narcotics wear off.  I can’t even fathom that responsibility.  Being the difference on whether your child breathes or not?  How can anyone possibly handle that?  What if you screw up?  What if you shake too hard, or not enough, or don’t realize until it’s too late?  How does someone do that?  And how can those two make it look like it’s the most natural thing in the world?

See Kevin crack a smile when June says something to him and I can hardly believe it.  Seeing him earlier, looking like the walking dead, I wondered if I’d ever see that grin of his again.  He was so on the edge of losing it with every second Johnny was away from him.  I was afraid if it stretched out much longer he was going to snap because not even Junior could console him.  But it didn’t stop him from trying.  He was still there, right at his side, doing everything but feeding him himself. 

It really is kind of strange to see them together like that.  Junior always knows what to say or what to do to get him to follow his direction.  Somehow he always prompts him with exactly the right words and Kev never argues.  Maybe it’s easier for him to let someone else take over, or maybe it’s just Junior, I don’t know.  I don’t know how Kev would ever be surviving this without him.  I just hope this doesn’t all come down destroying June in the end.

Sometimes I really can’t understand how Kev doesn’t see it.  I’ve hinted enough to know that he doesn’t have a clue.  Part of me wants to tell him, to know what he would think if he knew that one of his closest friends, his rock, was in love with him.  But there’s no way in the world I’d do that to them, especially now.  I still worry about how this is all going to turn out for Junior, but he’s made his decision and I won’t be trying to get in the way of that freight train again!  I honestly do like to have my head attached to my shoulders.

Rub absentmindedly at my throat as I remember the rage in his eyes when I confronted him about Kev and I know without a doubt he’d never do anything to hurt them.  I just hope somehow this doesn’t all turn on them one day.  Secrets come out, one way or another, and when they do they can rock your foundation.  I hope that if one day Kevin finds out he understands June’s motivations were true and not some way to add some iron to the mantle with the Harvick name on it.

Watch when Kev passes Johnny off to Junior and somehow the whole thing looks so natural.  Who knew Earnhardt would be so good with little babies?  I knew he spent a lot of time here with them, knew that before he even signed the papers in Daytona.  I just didn’t know how good he was with them.  I didn’t know that he actually held them and took care of them like this because it’s obvious he’s done it many times before. 

I remember how much it floored me the first time I really saw Kev as a “dad.”  I think he was holding Lana and she was so damn tiny.  He had her curled up on his chest and it was the craziest thing I ever saw.  Here was the guy I got drunk with, ran carts with, pulled every prank imaginable with with a tiny little baby resting on his chest like it was the most natural thing in the world.  And maybe it was, I don’t know.  I just know it wasn’t anything I ever dreamed I’d see.  But I never imagined he’d ever be widowed with preemie twins either….

See Kevin talking with one of the baby nurses and I hope he’s getting good news.  God knows he deserves it.  I’m still not sure what all they did to Johnny’s eye, or why they had to, but the way it was explained to me it involved lasers and minimal blinding.  I think they said he’ll be losing some of his peripheral vision.  I got so wrapped up in worrying about the little guy that I didn’t even realize there was a whole lot more than just worry running through Kev’s head.  That’s when I made the mistake of saying that some vision is better than none and that surely the doctors know best. 

I thought June was going to take my head off again right there.  It wasn’t until he pulled me to the side and explained to me that Kevin was the one who had to make the choice, essentially giving the ok to partially blind Johnny that I started to understand.  The doctors didn’t come and make this decision as Kev stood idly by and watched and I don’t know why I thought that might make a difference.  Turns out they had to make a choice whether or not to see if the problem corrected on its own, which wasn’t likely, or went through with the surgery.  In the end the damage should be very slight, but still, how the heck do you make a decision like that?  Half the time I can’t even decide what movie I want to rent or where to take Athena to dinner.  How do you make life and death decisions about helpless little babies that can’t even say a word?

Good Lord I don’t know that I ever want kids!

Watch as Kev nods to the dark haired nurse and they both go back over to Junior and Johnny to look at his tiny, puffy eye.  No one seems to be freaking out or anything so I hope that means he’s doing ok.  I’m pretty sure if I cleaned up I could go in there and find out for sure, but I never feel right so close to them.  It’s not their fault, but when I see those little babies all covered in tubes and wires I’m terrified I’m gonna mess something up just by looking at them, much less holding them.  I’m going to leave that to June and continue to try and be there as much as I can…and still be on this side of the glass.

Get a little lost watching them and wonder if Athena and I will ever be that easy with each other.  Oh, things are a lot better since I opened my eyes and saw what I almost let slip through my fingers, but shouldn’t we be the one finishing each other’s sentences and reading each other without words?  Maybe it’s how much time they’re spending together, or that June has become totally devoted to him, I don’t know but--

“Hey Shifty, I didn’t expect you to still be here.”

Feel the hand on my shoulder and I spin around to meet tired but relieved green eyes.  When did he come back out here?  Did I get that lost in thought?  Look him over and I can tell he’s exhausted by the slumped shoulders and dark circles under his eyes.  He doesn’t look like he’s shaved since sometime before Daytona but…the feeling of relief coming from him is so strong I can almost taste it.  I can see it in his eyes that aren’t as bloodshot as they were a few hours ago and in the slight smile that curls his lips.  He’s Kev again, and that can only mean one thing.

“So, I guess Johnny is…”

The slight smile turns into a broad grin that has me letting out a sigh of relief.  “Yeah, we were talking to Linda, the drugs from the surgery have worn off and he can finally sleep.  Poor boy is exhausted, but the docs said he did good.  They were able to fix his eye without any complications so…it’s everything we were hoping for.”  I hear a slight bit of hesitation in his voice and I understand it completely.  What parent would ever want their kid to ever have to go through anything like this?  “Besides,” he continues and smiles a little more.  “If he ever decides to drive we’ll just have to hook him up with tons of mirrors like Gordon uses at Dega.”

Blink as his teasing and joking words take me by surprise, but maybe they shouldn’t.  He’s been a lot more himself ever since he and Junior signed those papers.  I know some of it’s that the babies are doing better but…I think it’s more than that.  See Junior come up behind him, put his hand on his shoulder and I swear he looks every bit as tired as Kevin does…if not more.  Study him a little closer as it doesn’t look like he’s seen me.  Something’s seems a little off about him, but then Kev looks over his shoulder and in an instant the haggard look melts away, if only for the moment.  Watch as he and Kev lock eyes and there goes that silent communication again.  Junior nods to him and when he finally notices me says, “They’re both sleeping.  Linda thinks they’ll be out for the night.”

“Good,” Kev replies to him then turns his eyes back to me.  “Be sure and let the goddess know the outfit she sent is adorable on Lana. She really does look like a little princess.”  It takes me a moment to process his words because I’m still keeping an eye on Dale who seems to unravel a little when Kev looks back at me.  But then I remember the gift I brought and nod to Kev when I realize what he’s saying.  I guess those two aren’t the only ones wiped out tonight.  Feel his hand on my arm and his eyes grow a little more serious.  “Thanks for being here, Shifty.  Really.”

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, Kev.  I’m just glad I could help.”  And it’s true.  I am glad I came.  I know I’m nowhere near as helpful as June, but if being here is enough to give him support I need to see about coming by more often…even if I am on the outside looking in.

“I think I’m gonna head out.  You ok getting back to the hotel, Kev?”  Look back over his shoulder at Junior and I swear I see him pull himself together to face Kev.  But as soon as Kev tells him he’s good to get back and looks back at me he looks near as bad as Kev did earlier today and I’m not sure why.  Johnny’s ok and Kev’s borderline happy.  He should be relieved, not unraveling at the seams.  Watch him hurry off down the hall and I get a bad feeling even though I don’t really understand it.  Maybe Kev isn’t the only one I need to check in on today.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com