On the Edge

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : On the Edge

Summary: He can’t shake the feeling something isn’t right.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kevin POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #108 & 109 (#1/18 & #84 for me) - Dead at the Wheel & Anguish
COMPLETED: October 12, 2008
WORD COUNT: 3,247
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All I can say is I really love where this one goes.
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: Thanks to Zippit for the excellent beta!
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Las Vegas, Nevada - March 1st, 2008

The constant ring and clang of slot machines are all around, but none of it touches me.  It’s as if I’m in another world as I mechanically reach to pull the handle again.  The symbols spin by, whirling to a stop one by one but I feel so disconnected, even when I hit a minor jackpot and lights and bells go off.  Guess this means I can stay a little longer.  Not that it matters.

I’ve felt this way all day, like I’m removed from everything, and I can barely believe I raced today.  Did I really finish fourth?  Or was it all a dream?  Had to be a dream because Mark wouldn’t actually wreck Brad.  Not when they’re both driving Junior’s cars…right?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been dream and I’ll be with my kits and everything will be fine.  We’ll be back in our NICU with our nurses and I won’t have to hear Lana make that cry….

Close my eyes and shake my head, trying to block out the sound that still echoes in my ears.  It’s the new room.  I know it’s the new room because she never cried like that in the old room.  In the NICU it was all breathing machines and baby monitors and soft little “kitten cries.”  They might get fussy, but it was never very loud.  Not like in the step down unit. 

The room itself is probably quieter because there are less monitors and machines for the bigger babies.  It doesn’t have the constant hum I came to equate with life and security.  As long as no alarms were going off, the sounds of the machines were actually comforting.  Maybe that’s why I wanted to get away from the silence of my coach and come here.  I needed noise or something to ease my frayed nerves because something’s wrong.  I know something’s wrong.

Glance at my iPhone on the small table beside the slot machine and run my hand over my face.  I can see them if I want, but that’s about it.  The new “man nurses” are already sick of my calls.  Apparently they don’t have the time to “hold my hand” like they did in the NICU because the babies in the step down unit need more attention.  The majority are bottle fed so that tends to take much more of the nurses’ time.  So with me not being there to constantly watch over them…they’re alone.  My poor little babies are all alone.

I want to go home.  I don’t want to race tomorrow and I sure as hell don’t want to stay over for testing.  But we have to.  I’ve already been told I have to stay.  Why can’t people see there’re more important things than racing?  Why can’t people understand that I might know when they need me and I swear they need me now?  The fucking nurse man I talked to an hour ago assured me things were fine and I didn’t need to call, that they’d let me know if anything happens.  Yeah right.  Like I trust those assholes.  Amanda or Linda I’d trust.  I know they’d look after them.  These guys though….

Swallow hard as I numbly pull the handle again.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I’m being over protective or freaking out too much.  But can’t they see?  Lana and Johnny are all I have left.  Racing, winning, KHI, none of it matters without them.  They’re all I have left of her and the dream we started.  The dream we were supposed to have together.

Wipe at my eyes without even realizing I’m doing it then blink to clear my vision when my phone starts to vibrate.  Reach for it and my heart’s instantly in my throat because I know it’s the hospital calling to tell me something’s gone wrong.  Swallow hard again as I touch the flashing screen, but it’s not the hospital.  It’s Clint texting me again.  How many times is this?  I don’t even know.

Put the phone back down without checking the message because I don’t need to see it to know he’s worried about me and wants to know where I am.  I shouldn’t be doing this.  I shouldn’t be hiding from him but I’m not in the mood to see him right now.  Not when all I see when I look at him is Athena.  It’s wrong of me.  I know that, but seeing them together on the grid today about tore my heart out.  It was hard enough to block it out and drive.  Right now I don’t think I could handle it.  It’s not their fault and I’m not trying to be an ass, but seeing everything I used to have, seeing how much closer they’ve gotten….

I can’t take it right now.

The phone flashes again, but when I see it’s another text I ignore it and turn my attention back to the slot machine.  The hospital wouldn’t text me.  They’d call.  No one else really calls.  Pity I can’t just turn off the texting.  Pull the handle again and get lost watching the symbols spin by.  I wonder how Junior’s doing.  He’s probably off celebrating with his team.  I doubt Mark’s doing a lot of partying and Brad’s probably ticked off, but I’m sure there’s still a party going on.  That’s another reason I bolted.  I’m not in the mood to be dragged into a celebration when I feel like my world is hanging by a thread.

I’m glad things are going well for Junior.  I really am.  He seems to be getting along well at Hendrick and his Nationwide cars are doing great.  He should be enjoying it all, not looking after me or worrying about things he can’t change.  He doesn’t need to know I’m stressing out over “nothing.”  If he did he might get it in his head he needed to cheer me up or something and I don’t want to be pulled into a celebration where I don’t belong.  All I’d do is bring them down and they don’t deserve that today.  No, I’ll just sit here until I’m ready to fall off the stool and then call a cab to take me back to the track.

Spectacular prerace routine, Kevin.  Not that it matters.  Not that any of it matters.

Glance over at the Jack and coke I ordered to get the cocktail waitress to leave me alone and watch some of the condensation bead and slide down the glass’ side.  I haven’t so much as touched it.  I don’t make a habit of drinking the night before a race unless it’s Victory Lane champagne, but I’m considering a change.  Problem is I’m afraid if I started drinking…I don’t know if I could stop.  Not when I bet if I drank enough this damn feeling of foreboding might go away.  I can’t take the chance though.  Not alone and not outside of my coach.

Turn my attention back to the slot machine and reach for the handle again when I think I hear my name.  Can’t be.  Probably someone else named Kevin because no one knows I’m here.  No one else would be out on the strip when there’s a race tomorrow.

“Kev.” 

Feel the hand on my shoulder and I realize I was deluding myself.  Of course I recognized his voice.  The question is…how the hell did he find me?  And…why?

“You really aughta answer your phone.  Bowyer’s worried about you.”

Snort softly to myself and look down, shaking my head.  “I’m sure he is.  I’m sure he and his Goddess are staying up worrying about me right now.”  The harsh sound of my words surprises me a little.  I shouldn’t be so bitter.  It’s not his fault he still has Athena.  It’s not his fault looking at him reminds me of everything I lost. 

“They probably are, you know.”  Feel his hand tighten on my shoulder and I drop my head a little more because I know he’s right.  Clint and Athena have gone out of their way to help me and I shouldn’t be such an asshole to them.

“Yeah, I know.  I just…”  You just what, Kevin?  You just wanted to run off from the world and make everyone who gives a damn worry just like you’re worrying over the kits?  Way to be an ass, Harvick.  You get the gold medal in being a dick.  Hell, there’s no telling how many damn casinos June went through to get here.  Shake my head and then tell him softly, “You should be celebrating.”

“Who’s says I didn’t?”  Typical Earnhardt.  I have to smile a little because I know he’s lying.  It can’t have been more than a few hours since the race ended and I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first casino he’s been to.  No one could be that lucky.  Clint must’ve called him.  He really shouldn’t have done that.  He really should’ve gotten to celebrate.

“You didn’t have to come looking for me, you know.  I’m a big boy.  I can make it back to the track alone.”  Or I can at least call another cab. 

“Maybe I was lonely.”

Snort softly and a hint of a smile curls my lips at his response.  I don’t know how he does it but somehow he can always make me smile when it seems he isn’t even trying.  Lonely?   My ass.  He had two teams worth of people to celebrate with.  It’s JR Motorsport’s first win since joining up with Hendrick.  Hell, there were probably more than two teams to celebrate with.  Isn’t his boss here?  He should be at the track.  “You shouldn’t have come after me.”

“Come after you…is that what you thought I was doing?”  Frown slightly at his words and swivel on the stool to face him.  His hair is mussed, like he took a shower and just let it dry and maybe he did.  I’m sure he had to get hit with Victory Lane champagne and he’s not reeking of alcohol.  He shoots me a smile that doesn’t completely reach his eyes and I know he’s covering…and I see no reason to call him on it.

“No?  Coming for the slots?  Maybe some hold ‘em?”  Something that might be relief flashes through his eyes and I think he was afraid I’d fight him.  Why would I?  We both know why he’s here and it’s not to play games.  He’s here….  Actually, I still don’t know why he does what he does but I’m not going to question it.  Not when I’ve finally felt something other than numb since I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“Naaah, actually I had something better in mind.  You interested?”

How could I not be?  Anything is better than mindless slots…or not so mindless considering I can’t stop holding my breath every time my phone goes off.  Slide off the stool and scoop up my phone, tapping the screen to take a peek at my little ones before slipping it into my pocket.  “Alright.  Should I go ahead and cash this out?” I ask as I motion to the displayed credits on the slot machine

“Yeah, go ahead.  Wasn’t plannin’ on staying in the casino.” 

Nod to him and then turn back to the machine to print out my credits.  Give June a glance and then head over to the cage, but instead of cashing out I give the voucher to a blue eyed, blonde girl lamenting over a bad spin at the roulette table.  It was only a couple hundred.  I don’t need it.  Funny, there was a time I never would’ve done that.  But right now I figure if it could make someone else smile…why not?  Head back over to the slots to see Junior looking at me curiously but I shake it off.  “So, where are we off to?”

“You’ll see,” he tells me with that crooked grin of his that makes all the pit lizards swoon.  Shake my head and I can’t help a small smile of my own from crossing my face as I follow him out of the casino, my head lowered slightly to watch his black Adidas lead me out.  Follow the invisible trail his feet leave over the rich red carpet and don’t look up until I see the carpet give way to white marble tile.  Look around and see we’re at the doorway to some type of hotel snack bar?

Tilt my head in question but he just motions over to some booths in the corner and I don’t argue.  He’s got something in mind and whatever it is has got to be better than anything I’d have ended up doing on my own.  I probably wouldn’t have left the slots until I ran out of money or fell off the stool from exhaustion.  Leave it to Junior to rescue me from myself again.

Slide in to a booth in the corner and move into the back of it, vinyl creaking under my weight as I get comfortable.  Pull my phone out then rest my arms on the table as I turn the iPhone over and over in my hand.  I know I could watch them, and I know I will later.  But right now…I don’t wanna be reminded of how far away I am.  Right now I want the comfort of knowing I can see them if I want…yet another thing I have to thank June for.  He’s been so good to all of us.  I just wish I knew--

“I know it’s not Bakersfield, but strawberry still ok?”

Look up and my eyes widen when I see he’s holding two milkshakes, one strawberry and one chocolate.  Smile broadly, unable to help myself, and remember the café, and the mall, and his insane sweet tooth.  I had no idea how entertaining an Earnhardt on a sugar high could be.  Grin a little more and reach for my shake, nodding at him.  “Actually, right now, it’s perfect.”

And it is.  I don’t know how or why, but this is exactly what I need and somehow…June knows it.  Pull the shake closer and take a long sip from the straw.  He’s right.  It’s not quite as good as the ones we got in Bakersfield but as he slides in the booth across from me I don’t care.  He’s brought me some of the same peace I found there and I don’t even know why.  I’m still sick with worry, my stomach’s still in knots.  But the disconnected fog of despair I’ve been lost in since my plane touched down in Nevada is lifting and I know it’s all because of him.

“Talk to me, Kev.  Tell me what they don’t know.”

My eyes snap up from the spot I was studying on the table and with a look I know he understands what the nurse men don’t…or won’t.  I’ve tried and tried to make them understand, but they won’t listen.  But he will.  I know he will.  “They aren’t ready, June.  They just aren’t ready.  I know they say they are, but ever since they switched their room I’ve had this feeling….”

“And the idiots still won’t listen.”  Nod to him and lower my gaze again as I swirl my straw around and around the thick shake.  “I’m sure you’re right, Kev.  You know them better than anyone.  But it’s going to be ok.”

Jerk my head up and I open my mouth to snap at him until I see the look in his eyes isn’t one of meaningless platitudes.  He’s not talking down to me.  I can read it all over his face.  But how can he be so sure when their lives are still balanced on the edge of a razor only I can see?  “How do you know, June?  How can you say that?”

“Because I know them and I know where they are.”  Tilt my head at him curiously and after a sip of his shake he continues.  “Those two are Harvicks, fighters just like you.  And that hospital is one of the best in the world for them.  I can’t promise you nothing will go wrong, but if it does…I have no doubt they’ll be taken care of.”  He leans forward a little more and locks eyes with mine as his voice lowers a little.  “They’re fighters, Kev.  They won’t let you down.”

Stare into his eyes a bit longer and only look away when a young girl arrives with a plate of fries.  Blink in surprise and then grin a little, of course he’d remember my favorite junk food combination.  Snag a fry and look back at him as I munch on it.  He knows them too, as well as Amanda or Linda or anyone and the thing is…I know he’s right.  When I force myself to pull back, to look at things more objectively…I know he’s right.  They are fighters and if something happens I know they have the best doctors in the world to help them.

I just can’t help but feel something is going to go wrong.

“You’ve got family, Kev. You’re not going through this alone.”

His words are soft but firm and I speak before I even think, “What family?  D’s mom still won’t come by and mine hasn’t been part of my life for a long time.”  Raise my eyes to look at him and I instantly know I’ve said the wrong thing because he’s frozen with a French fry halfway to his mouth, looking at me like I’m crazy.

“What about Clint and Athena?  He’s been blowing up your phone since you disappeared.  What about KHI and RCR?  Richard would do anything for you and you know it.  What about Jeff and half the garage?  Family’s what you make it, Kev.”  His eyes are so intense and only after staring at me another long moment does he finally toss the fry in his mouth and take a long drink of his shake.

He’s right.  He’s right about so many things and I can’t help but notice the one person he left off the list.  I never should’ve run off on him.  He’s been in this with me almost from the beginning and he shouldn’t have to go hunting casino to casino for me.  He’s not saying it out loud, but I’ve spent more than enough time with him to know the irritation and hurt in his voice isn’t just about everyone else.  I’m not alone and I shouldn’t be acting like I am no matter how much I feel like wallowing in my own misery sometimes.  The way he won’t look directly at me and how the table’s shaking slightly from his leg he can’t keep still lets me know I’ve hurt him even if I know he’d never admit it.  It’s one thing to hide from Clint and Athena, but not June.  They may worry but he’s...different.

“You’re right, June,” I tell him softly and reach tentatively across the table, stopping my hand halfway.  “I’m sorry.”  He looks at me and I feel the table still.  Then after a moment he does the same, reaching his hand across the table like I thought he might, and gives my hand a squeeze.  I don’t even have to say the words.  The silent promise is made.  I won’t hide from him again.  I just hope I don’t have a reason to try.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com