One Golden Moment

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : One Golden Moment

Summary: Angels are among us.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick/DeLana Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kevin POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #112 (#85 for me) – Eidetic
COMPLETED: March 2, 2009
WORD COUNT: 2,223
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: He really, really needed this. I just wish it could last.
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: Thanks to Zippit for the excellent beta!
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Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit – March 6, 2008

I remember everything.

The smell of her hair, the touch of her hand.  I remember the way she’d totally bitch me out and then curl up on the couch with me as if none of it had ever happened…even though I know she meant every word.  I remember never being alone, how she was a constant presence in my life almost from the first time we got together.  And I remember the night we made these two beautiful babies…even though we didn’t mean too.  It wasn’t all perfection, hearts and roses and candlelight…but then it was perfect.  It was her and I can’t ever let myself forget.  I have to find a way to ingrain everything in my memory, make sure I have it all perfect because…they need to know.

Look down at the little boy in my arms and then over at his tiny sister who they finally let rejoin him in the room today.  I’ve felt more peace today than I have in about a week and I know the main part of it is just having the two of them together again.  This is how it should be.  All of us together just like this because when we are none of the rest seems to matter so much.  I know they’re tiny.  I know the breathing issues Lana has could follow her the rest of her life because she was on the breathing tube so long.  That can permanently damage their lungs but just how much we won’t know for a long time.  Just like with Johnny’s eyes.

But we’re together and I know that as long as we are we’ll find a way to make it through.  Rock slowly in my rocking chair, a gift from Rick and Linda, and smile as I watch Johnny suckle on his pacifier.  He’s almost asleep but still he’s sucking lightly and I smile.  I should be able to feed him soon.  I can’t wait for that.  I can’t wait to feed them both.  I know it won’t be the same as if she was still here, but I’ll do my best.  Besides…I have a feeling I won’t be completely alone.

I don’t know what it is lately but it’s like I feel her more and more since Johnny’s last surgery.  I even had a dream she was here with me, watching over the babies and it all seemed so real I actually still believed it for a few minutes after I woke up.  She just feels so close…and I don’t have a clue why.  All I do know is she would’ve been an amazing mother.  I never had a doubt about that from the time she told me she was pregnant.

Lean down to kiss Johnny’s forehead lightly as I remember that night, remember how “unlike” herself she was.  D was always a woman in total control.  It’s one of the things I adored about her and one of the reasons we constantly butted heads.   But when she found out we were going to be parents all that cool flew out the window.  To think she apologized to me and said she ruined everything….

Hold Johnny a little closer and watch Lana reach out to grab onto her new bear and I don’t know how she ever could’ve thought, even for a moment, that she ruined anything.  But they weren’t in the plan and D was always all about plans.  I remember the scared look on her face and I pulled her down into the overstuffed living room chair with me and wrapped my arms around her.  Of course I was scared and surprised as hell, but the thought of a baby…I couldn’t help but be happy.

She was worried about screwing up my career, about taking away from KHI and everything we’d worked for and I let her rant and cry without a word.  No sarcasm, no teasing, I let her get it all out.  And boy did she ever.  But when it was all over and the tears on my shoulder had dried I turned her in my arms and looked into those beautiful blue eyes and told her one thing.  “We’re gonna have a baby,” and somehow it made everything alright.

I don’t know what she saw in my eyes that night but apparently for once I did the right thing because I can’t remember her ever hugging me so tight.  The look on her face was more happiness than when I won the 500 and I’d barely said a word.  She told me later that was when she knew things would be alright and I’m still not sure why.  Maybe because in the end I was thrilled to death to have a baby with her.  It was like…getting the best gift in the world that you didn’t even know you wanted. Then when we found out it was going to be twins we could barely keep it to ourselves.  We knew it would change everything.  We knew we’d have to turn our lives upside down but it was going to be worth it.  And if she were here…I know she’d still feel the same.

Maybe that’s why I feel her around so much.  Maybe she is here, looking over us and being the mom I knew she’d be.  She was still scared to death, we both were.  But she was really looking forward to them no matter what it would have cost us.  Winning the truck Championship was just icing on the cake and proof that we had a good team already established to handle all that was to come.  And for once…racing started to take a back seat.  I never knew that more than the day they were born.  The look in her eyes when she told me to put them first….

Pull a hand from under my boy and wipe at my eyes.  She wanted them to live.  She wanted everything to be about them.  And they need to know it.  They need to know everything about her.  She should be here.  Glance over to Lana’s isolette and I swear I can see her, just like in my dream.  Golden hair falling over her shoulders as she looks down at her little girl with the most adoring expression on her face.  I can see it.  I can see her.

“D….”

“Kevin….”  Her eyes raise to mine and for an instant I can’t breathe.  There’s so much I want to say to her.  So much I need to tell her, to ask.  I want to know if she’s ok.  I want her to know that Johnny and Lana are ok.  That I’m going to take care of them.  That I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure they have everything.  I need her to know. 

Open my mouth to say the words but suddenly I have no voice.  Panic seizes me until she smiles at me and it all melts away.  I’ve seen that look before.  At least something like it.  She looked at me that way when I married her.  She looked at me that way after the 500 and the truck championship.  She looked at me like that when we finished the nursery…but somehow this is more. 

Feel warmth flood through me and somehow this is more than all of those times all rolled into one.  I can feel her love so fully it seems to fix something inside me I didn’t know was broken.  That’s when I know this isn’t just a dream.  She is here.  She does see them.  It didn’t all end in that chaotic room with all the blood and the screaming.  She’s here, looking over all of us.

Watch her smile grow even more and her eyes seem to light up the whole room.  “D…,” I call out again because I want to touch her, I want her to be real.  But she just shakes her head at me still with that amazing smile on her face.

“Kevin.  Kev, wake up.”

I look to her once more and I can read the look in her eyes and the words on her lips as she tells me she loves me and I swear to her, to us both, that I’ll never forget.  I’ll never ever forget.  Never.

“Kev, c’mon.  Wake up.”

Feel the gentle shake on my shoulder and when I blink my eyes again the golden vision is gone and I’m face to face with another set of brilliant blue eyes.  And something’s different.  Shift slightly and see that Johnny is still in my arms and I cradle him close with one arm as I wipe at my eyes with my other hand.  Was I really asleep?  It was all so damn real.  Look over at Lana’s isolette and I swear I can almost still see her.  She was here.  She was here.  I know it in my heart and deep inside I feel…different.

“Kev…are you ok?”

Look up to Junior again and I can’t help the smile on my lips.  Nod to him slowly as I rock Johnny again.  “Yeah, June.  Yeah.  I’m…good.  I’m really good.”  Glance around to see the snotty little man nurses paying us no mind.  I bet they didn’t even realize I’d dozed off.  Linda and Amanda never would’ve let me get away with that but…maybe I should thank them.  If I hadn’t…would I have seen her?

Glance to June again and he’s still looking at me curiously but at least the look of concern has left his face.  I don’t mean to worry him, I just…don’t know how to explain.  How can I tell him she was here, looking after all of us?  How can I tell her I finally know I’m doing the right thing?  There was so much I was worried about, if I could be a good father, if I was looking after them the right way, even if I’d picked the right person to be their godfather.  I felt right about it but, as I look at him now, I know that she approves.  How in the hell can I make him understand all that?

“We’re good, June.  We’re really, really good.”  Feel Johnny squirm a little and look down to see him gazing up at me with her blue eyes.  They will know her.  If anything I think they already do because I know now that she’s been here, looking over us all.  Glance up to Junior again and smile at him, “I think he woke up for you.  You wanna hold him?”

I can tell June is still trying to sort out what’s going on with me and I don’t mean to be weird on him.  But how can I explain this?  He nods to me and I stand up slowly, passing Johnny over to him so I can go get his sister for a little bit of cuddling.  Smile when he sits down in the matching rocker RC and Judy sent and then move over to Lana’s isolette…and that’s when I see her again.

It’s only a flash, maybe more of a feeling, but she’s there all around me again.  I reach down to pick up Lana, bringing her new bear with her.  Even with everything going on June still remembered to bring them bears.  Turn to look at him with Johnny and I feel that same feeling again.  She’s happy.  I don’t really know if she’s happy where she is or with me or the kits but…she’s happy.  I feel it in my heart and I wish to God this feeling would last but somehow I know it won’t. 

But I’ll remember.  No matter what I’ll remember. 

Carry Lana over to take the rocker beside June and shoot him a smile I for once don’t have to fake.  “He’s doing good today.  They both are.”  He looks over at me with Johnny’s little hand around his pinky and nods with a tentative smile.  I really wish I could make him understand.  I wish I could make him know the amazing peace I feel in my heart right now.  “Thank you for the bear.  Lana’s already in love with it.”

His face lights up when he looks over to see her little hand holding tightly to the bear and I know she’s right.  This is right.  I don’t know why, but it is.  D always knew better than me even if I didn’t admit it.  Seems like she still does.

“I figured they needed a little piece of where you are.  Didn’t seem right to come back without it.”

“And that’s why you’re the best godfather they could ever have.”  He doesn’t look directly at me but I see the slow smile curl his lips.  He doesn’t like to take any credit for all he does, but he should.  He loves them, it’s plain as day, and I have no doubt they love him too.  We’re all lucky to have him, and that’s one more thing I won’t ever let myself forget.  Glance over to the place I know she was and smile.  She’s the one who’s given me this bit of peace, there’s no doubt in my mind.  Now I just have to find a way to remember.  Forever.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com