In the Wake of Heartache

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : In the Wake of Heartache

Summary: She touched more than we knew.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Jeff Gordon, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Jeff POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #80 (#55 for me) - Rule Number Seven
COMPLETED: January 27, 2008
WORD COUNT: 1,951
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I’d been planning on doing this part for awhile, Jeffy just finally decided to wake up and talk! I have no idea how many POVs this series will have but here’s Jeff’s take.
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: Thanks to Zippit for the excellent beta!
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Daytona International Speedway - Preseason Thunder Testing - January 7, 2008

The instant I stepped into the garage at Daytona I could feel the difference.  Things just weren’t right and we could all feel it.  It’s never the same when we lose someone but this, this is different than any I’ve ever felt before.  This...hurt more, and I’m not even sure how to explain it.  Dale was devastating.   Adam, Kenny, even the plane crash in Martinsville, as horrible and painful as they were, there was always that level of implied risk we always try to ignore.  Every race, every practice, every plane we step onto brings a chance we might not come back.  And every once in awhile we get a reminder.

Then there’s everyone else in the past few years, Benny, Bill, Bobby, each one took a piece of our hearts and a piece of the sport with them.  But we saw them coming.  Cancer, age, none of us are immortal no matter how we like to pretend different.  We know things like that are going to happen.  We know there will be wrecks and tragedies that we can’t control.  But this, this wasn’t like any of those.  I mean, we didn’t even know she was pregnant....

Ok, when I say “we” I mean we as in the garage, NASCAR as a whole.  They never made it public.  But I can remember watching the truck banquet with Ingrid and how she recognized that glow on DeLana’s face.  I didn’t believe her at the time.  I didn’t even get a chance to ask before we were flying to Charlotte for a funeral that never should have been.

I can’t even begin to imagine what Kevin is going through.  Last year was the best year of my life and it was all because of Ingrid and Ella.  Because of them, nothing else in the world mattered, not the championship, not being beat by Jimmie, nothing.  I remember the first time I held her all tiny and precious and perfect, it was like the world only belonged to us.  I know now I took for granted how healthy and perfect she was.

I went to visit them in the hospital shortly after the funeral and I couldn’t handle it at all, not when all I could think about was how it could have been Ella.  It could have been Ingrid.  Just the thought was enough to break me down enough that they had to ask me to leave.  Over the last few years I’ve been able to control my emotions much more than I used to, but when it comes to my girls...I’m still the boy who sobbed over his first championship.

I had to do something.  I had to help, and I told the chief of staff at “my” hospital that Kevin was to have anything and everything he needed.  Bend rules, I didn’t care, I just wanted him to have every break he could.  But still, it wasn’t enough.  Rick helped me with the rest, especially when we heard about how critical they were.  A few phone calls between the two of us and we had the country’s best neonatal specialist on a plane and on the way to consult over those tiny, precious babies.  I still wish I could do more.

Lean back against my crash cart and look across the garage.  Junior’s on the far side talking to Casey and I need to talk to him, see how Kevin’s doing.  I know he’s been spending a lot of time at the hospital lately and that he’s going to try and shoulder the burden at KHI.  Sometimes that kid really does amaze me.  Just when he gets out from under the oppression of DEI he’s taking on the responsibility of looking out for Harvick.  I wonder if Kevin even realizes how lucky he is to have a friend like that.

Sigh softly and watch as the crew works on my car and I swear it’s amazing the effect one person can have.  She may not have been a driver but DeLana was racing.  And the way she and Kevin were together, the way they always held so tight to each other on pit road right after tearing each other apart in the way only they could...it was inspiring.  To be honest, there’s not a lot of “devotion” in the garage, but between them you couldn’t help but see it.  I swear they could cut each other down and say I love you all at the same time.  Honestly, I think that’s why it worked.  They were each other’s lives in a way I think very, very few people are. 

I have that with Ingrid.  I never came close to it with Brooke.  I just hope after seven years Ingrid still looks at me the way DeLana looked at him.  They were a rare pair, sharing everything the way they did but that’s not the only reason she’s so missed.  “D” was so much more than just a driver’s wife.  She had a... presence a wife isn’t supposed to have.  She wasn’t just a car owner in name.  That woman ran KHI as well as any owner I’ve ever seen.  I was never that close to the Harvicks but to see what all they’ve done in such a short time, I can only compare it to HMS.  People loved to work for her and just like Rick, I think that’s why they’ve been so successful. 

Run my fingers through my hair and watch as Jimmie’s black, Herbie-looking car heads back out onto the track.  I’m sure Stevie will have me back out there in no time but I’d really like to talk to Junior first.  I’m still very impressed that he came down to watch us test.  His wanting to be here when all he can do is stand around really does show his support more than anything else.  None of us really learn anything at plate testing, and it’s not like I can tell him anything he doesn’t already know about drafting.  No, his presence is more for support, just like he told me his being at the hospital was.

I bet Kevin doesn’t even know how often he’s there.  Still standing in the sterile NICU gown, I couldn’t help but ask why he was spending so much time hanging out in the waiting room with his laptop.  I couldn’t understand what good it could do.  His answer made me feel like a complete ass.

“I just want to be here, be something constant he can rely on.”

Only Earnhardt.  Only he would understand something like that.  I wonder, did he have someone like that when his father died...or did he just wish he had?  He told me he was there to be a shoulder to cry on, to make sure he ate, to give Kevin coffee or sodas or whatever he might need.  He even started an online journal to chronicle all of Kevin’s notes about how the babies are doing.  Junior has single handedly done everything the rest of us wish we could.

I just hope one day Kevin appreciates it.  But more than that, I hope one day those teeny babies are running around pit road before a race with Ella, laughing and playing the way they should.  Those babies are the heart of the garage now, even if they don’t know it.  There’s not a person here whose heart hasn’t been touched by those tiny hands, not one of us who doesn’t constantly have them in our prayers.  That has to count for something.

“How’s the car?”

Look up to my new teammate as he pulls me from my thoughts and with one glance I can see how tired he is.  It’s all in his eyes and the way his shoulders slump slightly even though there’s a smile plastered on his face.  I know he’s excited to be here, to really be part of HMS, but I can tell there’s a lot more than plate racing on his mind. 

Shrug slightly and glance over at the car.  “You know how it is.  Handles like the glorified shoebox it is.”

“Yeah, ain’t ya supposed to be the ones who build the better shoe box?”  Smile at the humor in his voice even though it doesn’t completely reach his eyes.  “That’s why I’m here, ain’t it?”

Chuckle at him and shake my head.  “Really?  I thought you were here for my championship wisdom and Chad’s super secret clip board.”  Smile at his laughter and I know it’s more than that.  Sure we can put him in a better car, but that’s not what’s taken the brow beaten look off his face.  Junior doesn’t have to carry HMS.  I don’t even have to carry HMS.  We’re a team, and teammates look out for each other.  I hope he realizes that.

“You mean I finally get to see what’s on that clipboard?” 

Snort and shake my head at his smirk.  “Jimmie doesn’t even know what’s on ‘Clippy.’ I swear he sleeps with it under his pillow.”  Glance across the garage to see Chad clutching his clipboard to his chest as he radios Jimmie in the car and it just makes me laugh more.

His laughter reaches my ears and I see he’s followed my gaze.  “Dude, you’d think he had national security codes and the secret to ending world hunger in there.”

One glance at the semiserious look on Junior’s face and I lose it.  “With Knaus, you never know.  Pity he couldn’t figure out the secrets to thinning hair.  I know Jimmie has to have him looking in to it...”

Rock back at Junior’s playful shove and it’s times like this I really am glad he’s joined the team.  We’ve known each other forever but never been able to hang out like this.  Laugh and start to tease some more when I see Stevie and the boys starting to take the car off the scales.  Glance back at Dale and I really, really don’t want to bring him down but, what if we don’t get another chance to talk?  “June, tell me, how are they doing?”

Catch a flash of something in his eyes at my words but before I can figure it out he looks away.  “It’s touch and go, more than he wants to admit but they’re strong.  They’re just like him, Jeff and to be honest I worry about him as much as I do them.”  Suck in a breath at the look in his eyes when he turns to face me again.  “They have to make it.  They have to because if they don’t...I think we’re gonna be losin’ a lot more.”

Nod to him and reach out to give his arm a squeeze, understanding probably better than he knows.  If something ever happened to Ella....  No, can’t think about that, not when Stevie’s already motioning me over.  I need to check in with the hospital after practice, make sure they have everything they need.  “If I can do anything, let me know.  Please.”  Start to turn for my car and pause, squeezing his arm again.  “You’re doing a good thing, June.  He’s lucky to have you.”

Give him a tight lipped smile at his nod and try to let him know with my eyes that my offer of help is for him as much as it is Kevin.  He’s taking on so much and I want him to know he--they--aren’t alone in this.  Meet his eyes and all at once I see that he understands.  Part of me says that I should find a way to do more, and I will.  All he has to do is ask. 

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com