If Tomorrow Never Comes

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : If Tomorrow Never Comes

Summary: Sometimes you have to live in the present.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick, Kevin POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #79 (#54 for me) - Marigold
COMPLETED: January 26, 2008
WORD COUNT: 1,683
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To Zippit for the excellent beta. Thanks so much hun!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here’s Kev’s next part. For more be sure to check out his blog here.
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Jeff Gordon Children’s Hospital - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - January 15, 2008

I never should have left them.  Not when they need me so much.  Not when they’re so tiny and fragile and things can change completely in an instant.  It’s so easy to get used to things when you’re here as much as I am.  To be honest all the IVs, tubes and machines have all just become a part of life.  I hardly even notice them anymore but to check their stats to see how they’re doing…not that I need a bunch of numbers to tell me when something’s wrong.

I knew the instant I walked in that things weren’t right.  Lana’s color was all off and her face was splotchy.  It was subtle, but I saw it immediately.  One look at Johnny and I knew he was uncomfortable with his little face all scrunched up and feet kicking slightly.  I wanted to hold him that second, but the nurses wanted me to wait.  I still don’t know why.  I know my babies and I knew they needed me.  That’s why I’ve been talking and reading to them for hours.

Run my thumb over the back of Lana’s tiny hand as she holds tight to my finger.  I’m going to hold her soon.  I know I will.  She’s going to beat this infection and she’s going to keep getting better.  I swear I’ll do absolutely anything I can to make sure that happens.  As for now I know she’s better.  I knew it even before Amanda told me her respiration requirement had lowered since I’d been here.  She knows my voice.  They both do.

Look over to Johnny and see that he’s squirming around again, but not the way he was when I first walked in.  That was different.  That was more irritation than cute little baby stretches.  I mentioned that once to one of the other nurses and I know she thought I was crazy.  But there’s a difference.  Now he’s moving around slightly, blowing little baby bubbles, not kicking in frustration.  I’m waiting for them to check him again to see if he’s finally filled his little diaper.  I’m willing to bet he has and that I’ll be holding him again tonight.

My poor sweet boy.  This is the second time he’s had trouble with his feedings.  They said they wanted to stop the milk OG-tube feedings until  he finally had a “movement” because they didn’t want to stress out his system too much.  After his distended stomach and NEC scare last week they aren’t taking any chances.  Honestly I’m still freaked out over that whole thing.

Everything seemed to be going so well until one morning when his belly swelled up.  One look at the worried faces all around him and I knew it was serious.  Turns out he was showing signs of a disease called Necrotizing Enterocolitis which leads to a deterioration of the intestinal tract.  If it progresses too far it can cause bowel perforation and as tiny as he is, they don’t have to tell me what the results of surgery could be.  It was bad.  And just like Lana’s respiratory problems, it’s something we may have to watch over and deal with for a long time.  At least he’s breathing well on his own….

Feel Lana very lightly squeeze my finger and I know immediately what she wants, what I think they both want.  They like the sound of my voice and if that’s enough to cause them to rest easier I’ll talk until I have no voice left.  I’ve already told them over and over about their Momma and everyone who’s been part of their short little lives.  I told them about Daytona, and racing and why I was away but now I’ve run out of things to say.  That’s why I picked up this book, Once Upon a Marigold, so I’d have something to entertain them with.

Open the book with one hand and pick up where I left off, reading a fairytale about a runaway common boy, a princess and the requisite evil, plotting queen.  The princess is set to marry someone she doesn’t love and of course the common boy is in love with her and can’t find a way to tell her.  This won’t be their lives.  They won’t have to run away or be forced into things they don’t want.  Not as long as I’m around.  Not as long--

And that’s when it hits me.  What happens to them if something did happen to me?

Look between them both and force myself to keep reading even as my mind is a million miles away.  I’ve never really thought about how dangerous my career is, even though I should have, especially considering how I made my debut into Cup.  I love to drive and I’ve always done it every chance I could.  I’ve never thought about the possible consequences.  D and I knew them and accepted them.  If anything ever happened she’d have everything.  But now…

Clear my throat when it starts to close up and continue to read about sweet Princess Marigold.  Now I have them, and if something happened…I have to make sure they’re ok.  But how?  Who?  Thanks to my issues with my dad I’ve pretty much alienated my own family.  I’d never dream of asking them to take my babies.  And D’s mom, she hasn’t been to see them once since the funeral.  There’s no way I’d force my kits to grow up with someone who can’t look at them without blaming them.  But, who else does that leave?

Clint’s my best friend.  Well, he and Smoke anyway and I couldn’t possibly ask either one of them.  Smoke is, well, who in their right mind would give kids to Tony?  He’s just, not the “Daddy” type and I wouldn’t do that to him.  And Clint?  Hell, I couldn’t even ask.  He’s too young, his career’s just starting and I wouldn’t dream of putting him in that position.  I mean, much as he’s been there for me, he still can’t even handle being with them.   So who does that leave?  RC?  Burton?  They have their own families.  Who the hell else do I know well enough to even ask, much less trust with my babies.  Jesus what am I going to do.

Feel Lana’s fingers relax around mine and with a look I can see she’s finally asleep.  Slowly pull my hand away just as Amanda comes to check on us.  Close the book and l look up as she speaks.

“They look so much better, Kevin.  I think they missed you,” she tells me with a genuine smile and it’s no wonder she’s my favorite nurse.  She’s attentive, sweet and really pays attention.  Not to mention as optimistic as she is she’ll also give it to me straight when no one else wants to face me.

“I think Johnny’s better.  You might want to check his diaper because I think he’s ready to be held.”  She cocks an eyebrow at me and our little game continues.  I always tell her I know them better just by looking at them than she does with all their machines.  She teases me that I’m just a sentimental daddy, even if more often than not I’m right.

“Is that so?” she asks as she reaches into the incubator to see if I’m right.  They told me that they didn’t want me to hold him again until he “did his business,” and from the pleased look on her face I know I was right.  I knew I’d hold my baby boy again tonight.

“Told you,” I tell her simply as she starts to change him and I set the book aside.  I should head back to the hotel in a little while.  I probably should have a few hours sleep before practice in the morning.  Or I could just sleep in the lounge and on the plane.  Either way I’m not leaving here until they are both comfortably asleep.

“No one likes a smart ass, Kevin,” Amanda teases me and starts to pick up Johnny to get him ready to give to me.  Undo the top few buttons of my shirt and a thrill runs through me as it has every time I’ve got to hold my tiny boy.  Lean back in the chair as she gently sets him on my chest and situates all his tubes and monitors so that we’re both comfortable.

“You’d be surprised,” I finally murmur softly in reply to Amanda’s words and she just nods in response before leaving me with my boy. 

Pull my shirt closed as much as I can around him and marvel over his tiny weight on my chest.  His eyes are open, just barely, and all I can think is that I hope he keeps his Mom’s beautiful blue eyes.  Swallow hard as I can’t help but think about how she loved me and my smart ass ways and wonder what she would think of me now, completely tamed by two, tiny babies.  Did she ever really know how much I loved our beautiful babies?  Did she ever really understand--

Force myself to stop that train of thought because I don’t need to be crying right now.  Not while I’m holding Johnny.  Lightly trail my fingertips over his tiny back as his eyes finally close and he shifts subtly against me.  He’ll be asleep soon and I’ll hold him as long as they’ll let me.  Hum a soft wordless tune to him and say a silent prayer in thanks that they seem to be doing better. 

Don’t worry my angels.  I’ll only be gone part of the day tomorrow.  Then I won’t leave you again until I absolutely have to.  June’s offered to test the Nationwide car and I’m going to take him up on it.  He’s doing too much, and I know I’ll never be able to thank him enough.  At least Clint has a plan to help him out some.  I just hope he accepts it because right now…I don’t know how I could manage oh all this without him.

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com