Broken Shadow

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : Broken Shadow

Summary: It’s hard to be left behind.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Clint Bowyer, Clint POV
PROMPT: Taming the Muse #109 & 111 (#84 & 86 for me) - Anguish & Antikythera
COMPLETED: January 25, 2009
WORD COUNT: 1,964
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a point of view I’ve been wanting to show for awhile. I hope you all enjoy.
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: Thanks to Zippit for the excellent beta!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Testing – Phoenix International Raceway - March 4, 2008

Every minute that passes by is another eternity I can read on his face.  He shouldn’t be here.  He should be on the other side of the country with those two tiny babies who need him.  From what I’ve been told Johnny’s going into surgery today for his other eye and I can’t imagine how he’ll manage if he doesn’t make it back in time.  He should’ve gotten on an early plane testing be damned.  But he didn’t, he didn’t want to let anyone down…like people wouldn’t understand.  So now here he is fidgeting in the garage until he’s got us all on edge.

He stares out at the track and I know the delay is killing him.  In the car he can probably shut everything out, I’ve heard he’s done that many times before and I completely understand.  It’s hard to think too deeply when you’re wrestling these COT beasts down the straightaway.  It’s not the most fun, testing for hours on end, but at least it’s a routine you can lose yourself in for a little while.  But the waiting…that leaves you time for nothing but thinkin’ and thinkin’ isn’t something he needs to be doing right now.

I keep expecting him to check in with the iPhone I know he has in his pocket but he hasn’t.  Maybe he doesn’t want everyone to know what he’s doing or maybe he doesn’t want to look in on something he can’t change.  Lana’s back in the other room and if Johnny’s going into surgery…maybe there’s nothing to see anyway.  I wouldn’t know.  Sure I was there during the last surgery, but one look tells me this is different.  They weren’t supposed to have to do this one.  He was supposed to be ok.  It wasn’t supposed to happen when we were so far away.

He bites at the inside of his lip and I’m a little surprised he’s not wearing sunglasses.  You’d think he’d want to hide the anguish in his eyes that runs so deep it cuts at your heart just lookin’ at him.  But maybe he doesn’t care.  It’s not like the world hasn’t seen his agony before.  We’ve all seen it.  If I were to guess I’d say he doesn’t care.  That’d be like him, silently rebelling just by being himself.  I’ve never known anyone to take such pride in being who they are, the world be damned.  It’s a wonder I’m one of the only ones to see through him because it’s written right there on his face.  But I won’t break my promise.  I’ll keep his secret, no matter how much it tears me up to watch.

“June.”  His head snaps around to look at me and it’s all I can do not to visibly flinch at the intensity of his gaze.  Clear my throat as I tug at my ear.  “Have you…heard anything yet?”  I shouldn’t ask.  I’ve been here in the garage with him for the past half hour and I haven’t once seen him get a call or a text.  It’s a stupid question but at a time like this…what else do you say?

He does nothing but stare at me for the longest time and now I’m the one fidgeting,  unable to keep still.  I really hate it when he does that and he seems to be doing it more and more.  It’s that…Intimidator stare I ‘magine is something like his dad’s and it makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong just by talkin’ to him.  I’ve no doubt he’s made countless people back off with it.  But not me.  He may make me uncomfortable, but he has to know by now I’m not giving in.  And he does.  I can see it when the hard mask slips a little.

“No, nothing yet.  Surgery’s still supposed to be late afternoon.’”  He crosses his arms and leans lightly against the crash cart in front of his car, staring at it intently.  He’s like an island unto himself when he’s like this.  I can almost see the barrier he puts up and I’m not even sure if I can reach him now.  But I know who could.  One look from the right set of green eyes and I know all the hardness would melt away in an instant.  I’ve seen it too many times. 

He shouldn’t be here.  Why can’t everyone else see that?  It’s not right even though I bet this is gonna happen a lot.  How many crises will he have to endure alone, away from where he belongs?  I know people will cut Harvick slack.  They have to.  He’s the only parent those babies have left.  But can’t people see how wrapped up Junior is in this?  Not to mention I have no idea how Kevin’s handling this on his own.  He about fell apart last time and that was with Junior there.  I don’t even want to think about how he’s doing alone.  Seeing him before he left was enough.  I just hope he’s not still a walking zombie because that seriously creeped me out.

Yesterday never should’ve happened the way it did.  But with us all planning to stay over for testing there wasn’t a pilot scheduled to take Kev back.  Not to mention he was still “supposed” to be testing.  They never should’ve put him in the car.  It was obvious neither he nor Junior got much sleep after the race.  My guess is Harvick was too much of a basket case to sleep and Earnhardt cared too damn much to leave him alone.  As for what happened…I won’t even try to guess. 

Rub my hands together as I watch Junior watch them working on his car and remember how wrong everything’s seemed since we got here.  First off, Kev bolts to the casinos without telling a one of us why or where he is and then he kept going on and on about how something was gonna happen.  I honestly thought he was being paranoid.  But when he checked his phone post race and Lana wasn’t there….

It took both me and Junior to get him out of the garage without causing a total scene, and I gotta admit…he was seriously scaring me.  He kept babbling on and on about how he never should’ve left and he knew something was gonna happen and it all gave me chills.  Because…he knew.  He really, really did and none of us listened to him.  I just thought he was being paranoid, justifiably so but paranoid.  And when he turned on Junior in the garage…I’m still wrapping my head around it.  The look on June’s face…at least we got him out of there quick enough.  I just didn’t expect June to all but order me to my own coach when we reached Kev’s.

I tried to protest because I wanted to help but one look from him told me as good of friends as we’ve become I wasn’t welcome.  I didn’t press it further.  I just watched Junior get Kevin inside his coach and then the door slid closed before I could even think about moving.  I have no idea what happened then.  I just know the next day Kevin was a complete zombie though out testing with Junior at his side making sure he didn’t have to talk to anyone he didn’t need to.  Not like he had to.  Yesterday we all closed ranks around Kev.  No one was gonna bother him, though to be honest I’m not sure if anyone would’ve.  He really was a waking zombie.  He drove the car, talked to Todd and then went back to his coach to wait for his plane this morning.

Gaze at Junior again and I can’t help but make the comparisons.  Right now Kev can crumble at the drop of a hat but Junior remains hard as a rock.  After the race the other night when Kevin screamed at him was the only real crack I’ve seen and I wonder how long he’s gonna do this to himself.  I know he cares way more than he should for them and I don’t see that changing but…how is he gonna hold up when he has to be away from them like this.  He’s trying so hard to keep his feelings for Kev and the babies bottled up inside but…how long can he do it?  How long until being away and faking the distance he doesn’t feel breaks him in half?

“You aught to cut out of here.  Gordon and I can finish up the test.”  Hell, I’ll even slip into Junior’s car if that’s what it takes.  We’re about the same size.  Shouldn’t be an issue.  We wouldn’t even have to tell anyone other than the teams….

“Clint, I--”

He cuts off when his phone rings and I immediately know it’s Kev by the way he scrambles to answer it.  He turns slightly away, trying to get the illusion of privacy, but I still hear every hushed word.

“What?  How come? …Are you sure, tonight?”  He covers his right ear with his hand and I try to read what’s going on from his body language.  He doesn’t seem to be freaking out.  I can only hope it means it’s not bad news.  “Yeah, yeah ok.  I’ll be there.”  Lean forward a little more when he lowers his voice and I barely catch the words.  “Yeah, Kev .  I promise.  I’ll make it.  He won’t be alone.”

I try to piece together what’s going on but before I can he spins around to face me and I take a step back in surprise.  “Did you mean what you said?”

Blink at him, trying to catch up from the bluntness of his words and I realize he must mean about covering testing.  “Yeah, sure Junior.  Anything you need.  What-what’s going on?”

He’s already texting someone before I even get all the words out.  “Surgery’s moved,” is the only thing he says and everything falls into place.  The surgery must be tonight.  He can make it, or at least he’ll be there before Johnny’s out of surgery.  That’s why he was so on edge and didn’t care about my offer. There was no way he could’ve possibly gotten across country in time.  But now….

Close the distance between us and give his shoulder a squeeze.  “I’ll take care of everything here, June.”  His head whips around to look at me and I hold his intense gaze with one of my own.  For a long moment, he’s hard as iron and I know right now he won’t break.  He’ll hold himself together no matter what happens.  But now he needs to realize he is not alone.  “I’ll talk to Tony Jr., make sure they know.  Don’t worry about it.”

He hesitates another long moment and for an instant I think he might not trust me.  But then I see it, a softening around his eyes and a slight drop to his shoulders as if a load has been lifted.  He nods to me and I know he’s really listening.  “Alright.  Thanks.”  His words are gruff and his nod a little abrupt but there’s no mistaking the look of gratitude in his eyes. 

He turns away without another word and I see members of his crew look after him.  Tony Jr. is already coming my way and I’m sure he can tell something’s up.  Part of me wonders if Junior didn’t want to face his cousin.  I wouldn’t blame him.  Look after him and the hurried way he leaves the garage and I know he’ll be strong for Kevin and those babies I swear he loves like his own.  I just can’t help but wonder…what about his heart?

These authors spend lots of time to write these stories. If you took the time to read this PLEASE take the time to give them some feedback. Happy writers write more ;-)

Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com