A Light in the Darkness

Home : Stories by Catw00man : Bittersweet Miracles : A Light in the Darkness

Summary: The papers are ready to be signed but Clint still has his doubts.

AUTHOR: Catw00man
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Clint Bowyer, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Clint POV
COMPLETED: June 9, 2008
WORD COUNT: 3,171
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Someone really needs to tell the Kansas boy not to poke the Earnhardt. *giggles*
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: Thanks to Zippit for the excellent beta!
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Clint’s Coach – Daytona Motor Speedway – February 9, 2008

This is all moving so damn fast.

Do they really know what they’re doing?  They can’t possibly be thinking things through.  I mean Earnhardt?  A godfather?  Kev drawing up papers to give Junior sole custody if anything ever happens to him?  Is he really, really sure about this? 

Shake my head and rub the back of my neck as I pace back and forth in my coach, the top of my firesuit hanging freely around my waist.  I’ve been a wreck ever since first practice ended because I really don’t know what I think about all this and they’re all going to be here before I know it to get everything finalized.  I know it’s not even my place to worry.  All Kevin did was ask me to get the papers drawn up but since that early morning call I’ve had my doubts.  I mean it’s one thing for Earnhardt to help with KHI and spend time at the hospital and set up poker games, but to be putting on paper that he’s the default guardian of Kevin’s babies...I just don’t know.

Over the last month or so I’ve gotten to know Dale probably better than most people and I know he’s a great guy.  I know he’s worn himself out over Kevin and those babies and I’m starting to think he’d do absolutely anything for them.  And that’s what worries me.  Kevin is just standing by and letting this all happen without questioning a thing and that worries me even more.  There’s more going on than he sees.  I know there is and I don’t care if Athena says I’m making something out of nothing.  She hasn’t seen them together like I have.  She hasn’t seen what I’ve seen and what Kevin is apparently completely blind to, not that I can blame him.

Kevin’s just trying to be a good father.  I know that.  He’s just trying to take care of those tiny babies the best way he knows how.  And Junior’s been there.  He’s been there almost every day doing what the rest of us couldn’t, or wouldn’t.  He’s given Kev and his babies all the support they should have been getting from DeLana.  But he’s not DeLana.  And if he’s trying to use these babies to try and slip in….

He’s going to wish he never met me.

I shouldn’t be thinking this way.  I know Junior is a good friend, but according to Kev he’s also the one who suggested this and that gets me wondering what his motivations really are.  I hate to be thinking these things about him, but after the way I caught him looking at Kev in California, and after I really started watching him when he’s with Kev, I have to wonder.  There are times, if you pay close enough attention, you can catch this look where there’s a whole lot more than friendship written on his face. 

At first I kept telling myself I was imagining it, Junior was just being a friend.  But then I see how he’s started anticipating Kevin’s every need when they’re together.  Athena said that he was just being a good friend and I agree.  A friend would help keep you together.  But would a friend keep track of your every meal or how many hours you slept?  Would a friend drive an hour and a half to Charlotte to just check in and then turn around and drive all the way back an hour later?  I know he uses the “baby blog” as an excuse, but couldn’t he just as easily set Kev up with a laptop to write it down himself?

Maybe I am making something out of nothing.  Maybe he’s just a damn saint and we all just never realized it.  Crack my knuckles and check my watch before glancing over to the stack of papers on the small table.  Maybe this is all innocent and a way for June to be close to kids without needing to have his own.  And maybe there’s good snow skiing in Kansas.

Check my watch again and he should be here soon, if he actually shows up on time.  I asked him here early, not that I told him that, because I need to finally have that talk with him. It’s one I’ve been thinking about since Kevin took us all out in California.  I need to know what he’s really after.  And I need to let him know I’m not in the dark.

Head over to the kitchen area of my coach and think long and hard about a shot of Jack when a knock at the door saves me from “drinking on the job.”  Take a deep breath, because part of me feels like a real asshole for this, and head for the door.  Slide it open and sure enough it’s Junior.  One look in his eyes and I know he’s probably running on AMP, like he has been since this all started.  Move to the side and motion him in and why do I feel like such a jerk?

“Am I the first?  I thought I was runnin’ late.”  Watch him look around and my eyes land on the papers once more.  That’s when I know I’m doing the right thing.

“Actually, I asked you here a little early.”  His head spins around to look at me, confusion easily readable.  Rub my hands together and crack my knuckles again.  Where do I even start?  Take a deep breath and I can see he’s getting impatient.  Hell he can hardly even stand still, though part of that is probably from all the caffeine.  Force myself to meet his eyes and finally ask him simply.  “June, don’t you think you guys are rushing into this?”

He blinks and for a moment I wonder if he’s even understood what I’ve said.  But then he’s shaking his head and taking a step towards me.  “Clint, don’t.  You don’t understand.  This needs to be done.  Kev needs it.”  Watch him run his hand over his face and he really looks more exasperated than mad at my words.  But I haven’t really scratched the surface yet, have I? 

“You got the papers, right?  I mean, you had ‘em all drawn up?”  His eyes flash with something I can’t completely decipher and he takes another step forward, but this one has me taking one back.  It’s just something about the look in his eyes that makes me real glad I did as Kev asked, even if I’m not sure I agree with it.

“Yeah, course I did.”  Wave my hand in the direction of the table.  “Over there.”  He wastes no time in turning for the table and looking over the pages.  As if I’d lie.  No they’re all drawn up, exactly as Kevin asked.  But that’s not the point.  I just hope he doesn’t take my head off for this.  “I did everything he asked, June.  My only question is should you be the one doing this?  I mean those babies--”

“Lana and Johnny,” he snaps with enough venom to send me back another step.  His head slowly turns to glare at me enough to make me visibly flinch.  “Their names are Lana and Johnny and I’m going to make sure if something ever….”  He falters, but only for an instant.  “I’m going to make sure if the time ever comes they aren’t shipped off to someone who should care about them.”

Ah hell, he’s got it all wrong.  He thinks I doubt that he cares about them and from the sound of emotion in his voice I know how personal this all is for him.  I don’t doubt he loves them.  I don’t doubt he’d do anything to take care of them.  If something did happen…I know he’d do anything in the world to make sure they have everything. That’s not what I’m worried about.  What I’m worried about is if something doesn’t happen.

Put up my hands in self defense and shake my head at him.  “I’m sorry.  Look, I know you’d look after Lana and Johnny.  I have no doubt about that.”  Pause and watch him until it seems my words start to sink in and he relaxes a little bit.  Good.  The last thing I need is Earnhardt taking my head off for accusing him of not caring about the babies…not when he’s probably gonna to take it off for this.  “What I do doubt is that this is a good idea considering how you feel about Kevin.”

I wasn’t going to go that far, wasn’t going to be that blunt.  But we’re running out of time and I need to get this out before Kev and the Burtons get here because they do not need to hear this.  No one does.  Look him over and for a split second I wonder if I could have been wrong, until he suddenly can’t meet my eyes.  He looks down at the papers and then across the room, anywhere but directly at me and I know I’ve nailed it.  Shit.  Part of me was hoping….

“Dunno what you’re talkin’ ‘bout,” he mumbles barely loud enough for me to hear and I sigh softly.  God I hope he doesn’t hate me for this.  But if he does feel the way I think he does, he’s so setting himself up for a fall to end all.  Tentatively take a step forward but still he refuses to look my direction.

“I saw it, June.  You know I did.  I saw the way you look at him.  I know this is more than….”  Pause for a long moment and watch him shuffle his feet before continuing in a softer voice.  “…just friendship.”  Swallow hard and finally move beside him.  I know I’m treading on thin ice, but if I don’t, who will?  “June, how long have you felt this way?”

At first he doesn’t answer me, just traces his fingers back and forth across the table and the stack of papers he’s shuffled around.  But when I finally do hear his voice and it’s so much softer and unsure than I’ve ever heard from him.  “I…I….”  Maybe I shouldn’t be asking.  But this needs to be said.  He needs to face it.  “It was…. No, no,” he shakes his head and pushes lightly at my arm.  “No, I’m not doing this.  It doesn’t matter now.  You-you don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“June, please.”  Reach out to grab is arm and when he instantly goes still I wonder if I’m gonna end up with a fist in my face.  But when I don’t, I tug lightly at his elbow.  “Look at me.”  He doesn’t at first, just continues fiddling with the edge of the papers and I wonder if he’s going to ignore me.  But he doesn’t.  He finally raises his head and when he does I lock my eyes with his, trying to get him to really hear me.  “You can’t be confusing this.  I mean if you just doing this to get closer to K--”

The hand on my throat is a lot stronger than I ever expected.  Wince when he pushes me back a step and slams me up against the wall, even though I knew it was probably coming, and flinch at the look of unabashed rage on his face.  “How dare you think I’d use Johnny and Lana to take advantage of him!”  Feel his breath hot on my face as he practically bares his teeth at me.  “I would never, EVER manipulate this!  I know what it’s like to hurt and I would never--”  Gasp when he suddenly lets me go and turns away, his voice taking a very soft, very controlled turn.  “I’ll be out of the room by the end of the week.”

No, shit, no. That’s not what I meant.  Rub at my throat and follow after him even though I know I’m probably taking my life into my own hands.  Reach out to get his attention and he violently jerks his arm away and glares back at me with that same pissed off “momma bear” look.  But I don’t back down.  I can’t.  Not and have him ever respect me again.

“Junior, Dale, listen to me.”  His face is impassive and I know I’m going to have to convince him quick or he’s out of here and out of my life for good.  “I wasn’t trying to accuse you….”  One look tells me I’m not going to be able to back track with him and I quickly take another tack. “Look, you’d do anything in the world for them, anything at all to protect them, wouldn’t you?”

His eyes narrow at me and I feel like he’s trying to take my measure on some scale only known to him and I know whatever I do now I can’t back down.  And I won’t.  I just won’t.  See his jaw clench and unclench before he finally answers me in that same dangerous sounding voice.  “Yeah.  So?”

He’s listening.  At least he’s listening.  Lock my eyes with him, shooting him my own steely stare and tell him with total conviction, “I’m just trying to do the same thing.  To protect them.”  Pause for a moment and then without even thinking about it add, “And you.”

It’s my last words that seem to throw him for a loop and his face softens slightly as he ponders my words.  That’s right, June, think about it.  You know damn well I’m on your side here.  Yours as much as Kev’s.  But this path you’re going down…. 

“I don’t need your protection, Clint.”  His words are clipped as he looks down at the papers again and then reaches over to straighten them into a neat pile.  “All that matters right now is Kevin and Johnny and Lana.”

Suck in deep breath and take the few steps that bring me to his side.  Hesitate for a moment and then lightly rest my hand on his shoulder, only this time he doesn’t pull away.  “And what happens when this is all over, when they’re all ok?  You and I both know how much he’s relying on you now, just like he used to rely on…her.  But one of these day’s he’s gonna be ok.  One of these days he’s gonna be ready to stand on his own feet or…find someone else.”  Soften my voice barely above a whisper.  “What happens then?”

Feel him shrug slightly but he doesn’t push me away.  “Then I go back to tak’n care of myself.  Go back to how it was.”  He makes it sound so simple but the rough anguish in his voice makes it painfully clear it’s not.  Sigh softly and I know he’s not going to budge.  I honestly never expected him to.  Not really.  But at least I can let him know he’s not on his own.

“Junior….”  Squeeze his shoulder lightly as he continues to keep his eyes locked on the table.  “I get it, and I know I’m not going to be able to stop you.  But at least let me know you realize what you’re doing.”  Squeeze his shoulder again and he nods slowly.  “Are you sure…this is what you want?”

He doesn’t answer me at first, just traces a finger along the edge of the first page and I wonder what exactly he sees, what he’s wanting to get out of this.  I do know better than to think he’s trying to manipulate Kevin.  His anger at the very suggestion makes that more than clear.  But could there be a small part of him that hopes things could change?  Kevin’s getting more and more reliant on him every day and by tying himself to the babies…he’s going to ensure he always has a reason to be close.  And maybe that’s exactly what he wants.

Watch as he takes a deep breath, presses his hand flat against the table and then speaks in a soft almost resigned voice.  “It doesn’t matter what I want.”  He pushes off the table and turns away with a distant look in his eyes, his hand clenching at his side.  “It never has.”  Just the sound of his voice tears at my heart but when he finally does turn to look at me all I can read is determination on his face.  “And it never will.”  His eyes lock on mine and once again I feel like I’m being pulled into the vortex that is him and I can’t look away.  “Forget this ever happened, Clint.  Just forget it.”

But I can’t.  There’s no way I can forget the sound of his voice or the hint of pain that flitted across his face before he was able to hide it.  There’s no way I can ever forget the way his unspoken anguish twists at my heart.  But I won’t make things worse either.  “I can’t,” I tell him simply but before he can protest I put up my hand.  “But I won’t say anything either.  If this is what you want, what you really want I won’t stand in the way.  Just, promise you’ll do one thing for me?”

He frowns at my words and I know he’s got to be worried about what I might ask, but he should know me better than that.  I wouldn’t do a damn thing to add to his load.  If anything I’m trying to do the opposite.

“What?” he asks reluctantly, defeated look in his eyes that barely meet mine.

“Remember you’re not alone in this.”  His eyes snap up to meet mine and I can read the unspoken question in those crystal blue depths.  “I won’t tell him, June.”  See him start to waver and swear he’s about to say something when there’s a knock at the door.  Shit.  Look towards the sound and then back but June’s already going for the door.  “Junior,” I call out as he reaches it and looks back at me.  He holds my gaze silently for a long moment and I realize there’s nothing more to say.  He pauses another moment to nod at me and I know we’re on the same page.  I just hope he takes me up on my unspoken offer to just…be there.  But knowing his stubborn ass I could be holding my breath a long time.

Watch him slide open the door and see that it’s Kev and the Burtons.  It worked out really nice that Kim’s a notary and willing to come down for this.  I really wanted to keep this all “in house.”  Nod to Kevin when his first move is to shoot me a questioning glance and I pat the stack of papers on the table behind me.  The relief on his face is obvious when he looks to June and I hurt a little more for them both.  Kev is surviving the best way he knows how. 

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Catw00man - catw00man@cryptoffic.com