Best Laid Plans

Home : Stories by Catw00man/Stories by Zippit : Bittersweet Miracles : Best Laid Plans

Summary: He never thought it would be too late.

AUTHOR: Catw00man & Zippit
EMAIL: catw00man@cryptoffic.com & zippit@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: Bittersweet Miracles
CHARACTER: Kevin Harvick, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Alternating POV
COMPLETED: June 20, 2008
WORD COUNT: 3,913
DISCLAIMER: We own NOTHING and are affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE - Cat: He breaks my heart, especially when he threw this one at me. But I have to say, I love it when the muses tell you things without having to say the words.
AUTHOR'S NOTE - Zippit: Sweet, sweet boys. They’re so emotional and so soft hearted in truth. I adore when they show this side to themselves.
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Kevin’s Coach – Daytona Motor Speedway – February 14, 2008

I never was one to plan ahead.  It just wasn’t something I ever did.  I was always too wrapped up in the moment to be thinking about what was happening next week or next month.  All I ever had to do was make sure my ass was in the racecar when the race started and everything else fell into place.  That started to change some when I married D but still, I can’t count the number of times I’d be scrambling to find the right thing for her birthday or our anniversary because I never thought about things until it was almost too late.  Oh, most of the time I was able to pull something out of my ass to save the day.  Money tends to help with that.  But as far as planning ahead, I just never did it.

KHI changed that some.  Suddenly I had more people to worry about than just me and D and I needed to start looking to the future.  She was always so much better at that than I was.  I got ideas but then I’d always get so wrapped up in one detail or another that time would pass by without notice.  She never could understand that.  Maybe that’s because she was always the one thinking ten steps ahead.  Sometimes I tried to keep up, and sometimes I didn’t even try.  I knew she’d make sure I didn’t miss anything important.  She’d make sure of that while chewing my ass out at the same time.  She never could understand how I could design our house and the entire shop, show so much patience and attention to detail, and still almost forget our anniversary.  What she never understood was I didn’t forget because I didn’t care, I’d just get too caught up in something else along the way.

And then I was going to be a father and I knew I had to change.  I couldn’t let myself get so sidetracked the way I always did.  I couldn’t head down to my shop to play with my RC cars or tinker with my go-carts for hours and hours on end.  I couldn’t let myself get so distracted.  I needed to plan.  I needed to start making sure I was I was paying attention, that I’d be ready when our little babies finally got here.  I needed to make sure she knew exactly how much I loved her.  And that’s when I finally broke tradition and started planning ahead.  She would’ve been so damn surprised.

I probably would’ve been screwed anyway.  She would’ve been about a week away from her due date and she probably couldn’t even have come down to Daytona with me.  But I wasn’t thinking about that.  I just knew I wasn’t going to let another Valentine’s Day slip by with just a card and a promise of a shopping trip.  I wasn’t going to just “wing it” and figure out something when I got here.  No, I knew that it would be the end of our time together as “just us” and I wanted it to be perfect.  I wanted her to know….

God I wish I’d never waited.

Stare blankly at the huge bouquet of two dozen roses sitting on my table complete with a card and a letter I actually wrote and signed.  She always got on to me for that.  But this time I wrote her something, told her how much I loved her and how much I couldn’t wait to share our lives with our little ones, planned or not.  I wanted her to know how she’d given me everything I’d ever wanted in life and more than I ever dreamed.  That’s why I spent a solid month looking for the diamond necklace in the long flat box at my finger tips.

Trace my hands over the narrow box and I haven’t been able to open it yet.  The delivery boy tried to get me to when I signed for it but I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t.  I didn’t want to look at the extravagant perfection I know she would’ve given me hell for and adored all at the same time.  Twenty two karats of graduated round diamonds that get bigger towards the center of the white gold necklace.  It’s nothing but a strand of exquisite beauty and it cost me a fucking fortune.  But it would’ve looked absolutely amazing on her.

Close my eyes and I can see her now, very pregnant but stuffed in a firesuit just to be at my side with diamonds glittering in the sunlight.  It probably never would’ve happened but it doesn’t matter because it’s so real in my mind.  Her golden, silky blonde hair shimmering over her shoulders as she’s bathed in the sunlight, nothing less than a goddess about to become a mom.  She’d have worn it, even if it was insane to do so.  She wouldn’t have cared.  She’d have worn it and found a way to kiss my lips before I ran that race.  She would have.  But now she never will again.

Suck in a sharp breath as the vision crumbles in my mind and I snap my eyes open to look down at the box again.  Finally flip it open and the diamonds gleam against the black velvet, mocking me with their brilliant fire.  They would’ve suited her perfectly…and now I want nothing more than to get a sledge hammer from the garage and shatter the diamonds to bits.  But I can’t, can I?  Seems like someone told me once you can’t shatter diamonds.  Pity my life isn’t the same.

Bite my lip hard as I see two tear drops fall to the rich velvet and I didn’t even know I was crying.  Watch as one tear drop seems to spread to the adjacent diamond and I swear it only makes it sparkle more.  Why?  Why does everything mock my pain?  Why didn’t I remember about all of this before today so I didn’t have to face it?  I swear I wish it would all just go away.

Suck in a sharp breath and practically jump out of my skin when a sharp sound rings out through the coach.  Blink my watery eyes and it’s not until the second knock that I realize what it is.  Someone’s at the door.  Someone’s here and I…I don’t know what to do.  Look over the roses and diamonds and feel like I’m frozen in place, stuck in a loop of endless fucking despair.  I don’t want to deal with this.  I don’t want to explain all of--

“Kev, it’s June?  Are you here?”

Close my eyes and take a slow deep breath.  June.  He won’t judge me.  He won’t look at me like I’m crazy.  Somehow, some way he’ll understand.  He always seems to understand.  Bite my lip and swallow hard before pushing myself up from the table, leaving Valentine’s Day behind me as I turn to the door.  Cross the small room in only a few steps and my hand hovers over the handle for a moment.  No.  It’s June.  He won’t push.  I know it.

Grab the handle finally and pull the door open to reveal concerned blue eyes.  Does he know?  Could he?  Does he even know what today is?  I don’t even care.  I just can’t be alone with her anymore….

~*~*~*~

I didn’t have a good feeling about today. Something felt off since the moment I woke up. It wasn’t anything big, just that dread in the air you get when you wake up on a day you didn’t want to have come.

Action packed day, Busch, Trucks, Cup, one right after the other interspersed with media obligations. It never ends. NASCAR will be as eternal as the setting sun as long as we chase the glory and the speed. It’s why it’s easy to let the sponsors drag on us as long as they give the money to let us race, we’ll do anything to race. Everyone who’s ever gotten a taste for speed in their blood can’t get enough of it. From the dirt racers to the pavement, it slips in and twines with the pulse of a person’s life, getting down deep into the roots and growing right with the person. You can’t escape it and you’d never want to, you only seek out everything racing related and devour it.

It’s why it’s taken me so damn long to get over to Kev’s coach. So much extra crap to do with it being the 50th Anniversary of the Daytona 500. NASCAR’s got a bunch of shit for us to do and there’s no escaping from it this time. The dying rays of the sun are hitting the coaches, making them glisten gold, while I curl my toes into the bottom of my shoes in front of Kev’s door. Open up damnit, don’t make me barge in there, into someplace that feels like a sacrilege to be in enough as it is.

Lean back when the door opens and I almost wish it’d stayed closed. The look on his face…the expression in his eyes. I don’t even hesitate, I reach out and grab him by the shoulders, pulling him into a hug as I move toward him at the same time. Guide us back inside because the world doesn’t deserve to see him fall apart and there’s no doubt he’s falling apart. Life needs to come with a rewind button, if only to salvage the heartbreaks before they happen. It shouldn’t have happened to him, it never should’ve.

“You okay? It’s been a long day and I…,” and I what? Why are you here Junior? Why? To check up on him because he’s become your latest ward or because you care too damn much. Sigh and hug him tighter as he trembles in my arms. It’s both and I know it down into my bones. He hasn’t said a word and it should worry me, but it doesn’t because we’ve gone so long only talking in glances and looks, exchanges of every nonverbal cue we can achieve. Rub his back and lead him over to the couch because he seems to be completely lost.

Frown when he burrows against my side and shakes harder, he’s never…oh god, DeLana? Damnit, what day is it? Can’t be her birthday, I’d have picked up on that by now, wouldn’t I? He hasn’t turned on a light yet and I haven’t bothered, more worried about him than needing to see. I’d rather not see as uncomfortable as being in this coach makes me. Eyes adjust to the dark as the rays of the sun slip through the partially open blinds and glances off the interior like a sheet of glass has frozen everything in place except for a few notable exceptions. The iPhone tossed onto the counter beside a laptop. The screen’s blank right now but I bet if you were to trigger the keyboard the first thing that’d show up would be the babies. There’s not even food scattered on the counters. Everything’s so fucking pristine. Endy and the other dogs aren’t even here to break up the emptiness with their lumpy presences in the dark. I should start bringing them to the track for Kev. The walls must be closing in on him with how damn quiet it is with only the company of his thoughts to break the monotony.

Eyes land on the table and oh shit, it’s Valentine’s Day and he must’ve planned ahead. Prepaid delivery from the looks of it because I don’t see him torturing himself needlessly over DeLana’s absence. There’s a bouquet of flowers sitting on the table with a card and a long slim case beside it that has gotta be jewelry. Jesus, Kev, I’m so damn sorry. I’m sorry it’s me here instead of her. Me who’s a poor substitute for her and probably not even filling a quarter of the gaping hole she left in your life. Hug him tight and murmur, “Bet whatever you got her is something special.”

He cracks apart then and it’s heart wrenching to hear, “Su-supposed to be special, different. Planned ahead,” he sobs into my shoulder and all I can do is be here for him. Hold him close and just try to let him let it all out.

“Why’s it different?”

“S-suck at this…too close to racing, forget. Half assed with flowers I just buy at wherever,” he says with his face resting against my chest while his hand fists itself into my shirt with the depth of his pain. I feel his tears soak my shirt and I couldn’t care less. Rub his back as he continues to drag in breaths that are painful to hear. It’s like he’s clawing against death’s door, begging to have her back.

I know the feeling about Valentine’s Day gifts. It’s why I try not to have someone at the beginning of the season. Too much damn hassle with such a stupid freaking holiday. Expectations and money spent and all for what? Just to further reinforce the myth of love? You ain’t gonna need a certain day to show people you love you love them. It should come like second nature. Stroke his hair and ponder the fact that they loved each other so much, were so entwined together that they were rarely apart, and somehow it’s like Teresa and Daddy and it fits. It fits that the man who took over Daddy’s ride is so much like Daddy. Ask softly, “Babies make it different?”

The way his sobs get louder makes my heart break. He shouldn’t be without her. He shouldn’t be here right now. Not with me, not with the babies hanging in the balance between one second and the next. It ain’t right. It’s never right. He doesn’t deserve this. She was the light in his life and the way he is now makes that more than clear. I’m just an imposter trying to fill a hole that can never be filled. “Talk to me ‘bout her,” I ask softly. I know it hurts, but sometimes you have to get it out. Gotta be with people you trust, gotta be the right moment, or more the moment you break.

“W-we had p-plans! Had so many…was never su-supposed to go this way…,” he nearly wails and the tight feeling in my gut twists even more. Why’s it gotta be Daytona? It’s always gotta be Daytona. Seven years ago this was me. Seven years ago all I had to live for was the racing, the fans. He has something so much more precious. He has the kits and all the miracles they’ll bring into his life from here on out. All the plans he’ll make for them, with them, they won’t be the same but they’ll heal him. Make it easier to go on.

Glance around the coach again at overwhelming emptiness then down the short hall to the bedroom that should be full of life instead of the painful reminders I’m sure it brings. How long will he hold on to this place for the memories, for all the time they spent in it? They did have so many plans. I’ve seen ‘em, seen them while trying to keep KHI running like she’d want it to be. NHRA, expansion, development, so much in the works and now they’ll never fully be realized the way she’d have wanted them to be done. I’m sorry, DeLana. I’m sorry. I’m probably mangling everything you wanted done and you should be here instead of me. He needs you. I’d trade places you know. He doesn’t deserve this pain, no one does. I know that better than anyone. Offer my words to her, to this place, to them. Barely move my lips as I whisper too soft for anyone to know what I say, “I’ll take care of them, DeLana. I won’t let you down. I won’t.”

Tuck him more against me as I smooth my hand over his hair, his sobs quieting to soft hiccups. His head against my shoulder nestled into the crook of my neck, while exhaustion lines his body, and he’s spent. Rub his back and bite my lip because the only remedy I know for this type of exhaustion is rest, but I don’t want to set him off again. Won’t do him any good at all. I consider shifting him to lay on the couch so he can settle into sleep, but it’s not the sleep he misses the most. It’s the feel of another warm body to hold on to, the feel of her against him, grounding him against the onslaught of the next new day. Cleansing the troubles of the previous day with just her presence as he lets his guard down for the night.

Wipe the drying tears on his cheeks away and wrap my arms around him gently. He needs this right now. He needs to feel that security again if only in fantasy. Hum softly like I do for the babies because if it works on the baby Harvicks, wouldn’t it work on Daddy Harvick too? He needs to sleep and I watch him as the utter heartbreak slowly leaves him. The evening of his breaths, the tight grip on my shirt slowly relaxing until he’s asleep. Lines still mar his face and I don’t think they’ll ever leave. Losing someone ages you. Brush his hair while I continue to hold him for a while, watching him rest. I hope he’s warm enough. I’m not known for being a cuddler and he needs as few discomforts as he can because if he’s not careful, he’s going to get himself sick and ban himself from seeing Lana and Johnny.

Finally when he’s been asleep for a while and I’m numb, I carefully shift out from under him and lay him out on the couch. Place a pillow under his head and tug the throw on the end of the couch over him, worrying the corner of my mouth with my teeth as I look over him. “Valentine’s Day,” I murmur softly to myself and look toward the table still scattered with Kev’s gifts for her. I hate this day, four days away from the worst day of my life. I hate this month and I love this month. It’s the start of a new hope and the end of all that was. It’s a place and time that’s forever imprinted on my soul.

Walk over to the table and gently pluck a rose petal from the bouquet, rubbing the velvet fine softness between my fingers. With my other hand I tap a finger against the end of the case, running it down the edge again and again. He loved you so much, DeLana. You should be here. Flip the case open and stare at the damn rocks sitting in there. He loved you so damn much. Brush my finger along the shining diamonds once before closing the case then slowly tug the card out from under its burial beneath the splay of red roses.

Trace the raised heart on the front of the card half pulled from its envelope. Her name written lovingly on the front even if it’s in his near illegible scrawl. Gently pull it completely from the envelope and flip it open even though I know I’ll hate myself for it later. Maybe I won’t have to as I see nothing written on the inside but instead there’s a letter. Close the card and gently slide it back in. Not my place to see and I thank God for sparing me the guilt.

Look back toward Kev as he sleeps and run my hand through my hair. He may not want them now, but one day down the road he will. Probably not even him, but Lana will. Lana will want any piece of her mother she can get her hands on. This necklace, the letter, photos, those earrings DeLana always wore that are a match for this necklace. Those babies will want everything and anything. I won’t let him make a decision he’ll regret. Take the rose petal with me and sit on the floor in front of the couch, leaning back against it as I gaze into the darkness. Absently reach up and lace my hand with his and brush my thumb along the back of his hand. If only for tonight, I’ll make it so that he can pretend she’s still here with him, holding him together, holding him in line like she’d always done.

Keep rubbing the rose petal between my thumb and finger, the soft scent of the blossom wafting in the air. What perfume did she like to wear? They’ll want to know one day. All the little things, those matter the most and fade the easiest. Think of all the little things they might want to know one day until I can’t keep my head upright and jerk awake when it falls forward. Snag the other couch pillow and get comfortable beside the couch. Take one last look at his face, he’s too exhausted to possibly get up during the night. I won’t get stepped on. Lie on my left side, hand still holding his and give a soft squeeze, as I tuck my head against the pillow. My face only inches away from the bottom of the couch and my arm’ll be sore tomorrow, but I don’t care. “Sleep well, Kev.”

It’s like I just closed my eyes when something pulls me awake and I have no idea what. Blink in the semi darkness and it takes a moment for me to understand why my right arm feels like it’s on fire. Press my lips together as I slowly disentangle my hand from Kev’s then sit up and stretch, wincing at some of the aches. Run a hand through my hair and scrub my palm against my jaw as I turn to glance at the microwave clock next to the sink. Groan low at the sight of 4:35 glaring back at me. It’s too damn early, but I should probably get outta here before he wakes up. Turn to look at Kev. He doesn’t need the reminder of me here.

Push up slowly, almost stiffly, and snort because am I really that old I’m moving like an old man? No, but sleeping on the floor was never something I enjoyed too much. Place the pillow at the end of the couch Kev’s on and pick up the lone petal on the floor in front of the couch before going to gather up the gifts. Look down at them and it’s amazing how simple a gift these are but how they break my heart so much. You’ll see these again, Kev, I promise you that. Years from now, but you’ll see these again and Lana will love you for it.

Tuck the card into the bouquet before I scoop it and the case up then head for the door, glancing back at him one more time. Take care of yourself, Kev. You’ve got a whole lot to look forward to outside of racing and if anything, I know you’ll value that more than almost anything you can do on the track. Even though he won’t hear me, I whisper soft as I slip out the door, “She knows you love her.” She could never doubt it.

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Catw00man & Zippit - catw00man@cryptoffic.com & zippit@cryptoffic.com