Heart Ache

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Summary: Jimmie is still depressed about letting down Jeff at Atlanta, now he’s pissed all the more that he couldn’t win for Jeff. So he finds a way to get pass his depression.

AUTHOR: Jaik
EMAIL: jaik@cryptoffic.com
RATING: PG-13
CHARACTER: Jimmie Johnson/Chandra Johnson, Jimmie Johnson/Jeff Gordon, Alternating POV
SERIES: All Alone
CATEGORY: Angst, Smut
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING and am affiliated with NO ONE mentioned here. Not the drivers, not the teams, no one. This is all fiction and fun. In other words...NOT REAL, NOT REAL, NOT REAL. ;-)
DEDICATION: To all those who inspired me and gave me feedback on my first fic, they encouraged to not only continue on my first story, but to make my first series, so thanks y'all and here goes
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place a week and a half from “Losing to the Rookie”
AUTHOR'S NOTE2: A song from the movie “Toothless” inspired the title for this fic, but this is not a song fic. However, I do have a song fic in the make if anyone is interested, give me feedback and maybe I’ll post the song fic
AUTHOR'S NOTE3: - + - + - + - + - + - denotes passage of time
AUTHOR'S NOTE4: ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ denotes point of view shift
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Hatred.

Blind hatred.

First Edwards, now Harvick. Why couldn’t I win, I know it would have made Jeff feel better about the last race…about Hee-haw.

“Sweetheart, hey, Jimmie baby.” Her cool hand touches my face and breaks through to me. I look to her and feel calm; she smiles sweetly and leans on my shoulder, rubbing her hand over my chest. “You’ll get him next time.” And still she sees the disappointment on my face. I’m so damn glad she’s here to love me.

“Yeah, I know…it’s just, Jeff was mad that I lost to a rookie, and I figured that if I won this then maybe he wouldn’t be so pissed.”

- + - + - + - + - + -

He’s so pissed.

“Jimmie I’m not trying to bust your ass but…you lost to a rookie.”

Holy shit, I did not see this coming. “You lost to a rookie too, remember that shiny new 29 on Dale’s car…remember Harvick.” That doesn’t help, now he’s pissed even more.

He looks at me so intently, it’s a shock I’m not bursting into flame.

“Yeah, I liked the kid, so I cut him some slack. Do you remember he only won by thousandths of a second?”

What am I supposed to come back with against that, he is right…”Jeff look, I’ll go run some laps and I promise it won’t hap--”

“You’re right, it won’t.”

He doesn’t even let me explain, but still his words haunt me; a distant echo of a bad dream long since gone.

He opens the door to step out, I go to follow him but he doesn’t let me, the door shuts right as I move to leave. So now I stand here, dumbstruck. What do I do? He obviously won’t let me follow him. I walk to the front of the RV and look out the window and follow his trail with my eyes, “Sorry.”

I stand here still, even though he’s long since gone from sight, just hoping that maybe he’d come back and say something, anything. This is what I didn’t want to happen, for him to leave me like this, a shell, empty and broken. This isn’t the first time this has happens either, he’ll get preoccupied by Vickers, Busch, hell Junior even, and he’s not on our team.

I whip around and grab my bottle again, I crush it in my hand and realize what Jeff has been doing to me. Just toying with me, as I crush and squish this bottle, he’s been doing the same thing with me.

“Is that all I am for him? Just a toy when he’s not playing with someone else?” One thing after another and I’m already confused, now by more and more questions, I feel like the walls are pressing in on me, I need to…to…. “AH!” My scream fills the RV and leaves a ringing in my ears.

All the confusion in my life seems to seethe together and bubble over the edge and instead of shoving it back down inside me, I let it crush me under the huge weight. I’m tired of standing, so I drop the bottle in the trash and continue on to the back of the RV. I flop down on my bed and feel the soft, cool covers under me, and lie here staring at the ceiling.

What did I do to deserve this? I know I lost to Edwards, but that can’t be the only thing for him to treat me like this. There has got to be something, but what?

I think and get confused, I focus and lose my train of thought, I hurt but I don’t feel.

Maybe if I wait here long enough, it’ll all get better, or at least the eye of the storm will bring a calm for a while. Long enough to let me clear my head at least, but no he keeps tormenting me. Why does he do this to me? What do I have to do to please him again? I’ll try anything once, but…what haven’t I done to please him?

Or better yet…why should I please him? Instead of trying to keep him happy, I know how to make everything better. I just won’t try anymore. I have Chandra. She’s my wife, not Jeff. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her, not him. So screw him, I’m not gonna be an ass to Chandra so that I can please him, as long as I do what he asks of me at the track, there’s nothing else I have to do for him.

I think the storm just passed.

- + - + - + - + - + -

“It’s ok babe, you’ll get him next time. Jeff’s a racer too, he knows how hard it is. Give him a bit, he’ll realize he’s being unfair.” She reaches up and kisses me on the cheek, I grin at her kiss her back.

“Yeah your right,” I lay back with her head on my arm and flip on the TV, watching post-race ceremonies.

She grabs the remote from me and flips the channel “Let’s watch something more interesting.” She grins at me and I can’t help but to agree.

- + - + - + - + - + -

I wake to Chandra turned around and nuzzling me, she mumbles gently in her sleep. I creep over her and turn around, I slip my arms under and lift her. I walk slowly to our bed, trying not to wake her. I lay her down gently, she doesn’t stir much and I pull the covers up over her. I make sure she’s comfortable and walk out closing the door gently.

I walk to the kitchen and pull a glass, filling it with cool water. The gentle sounds of night filter through the window and dance about me in the kitchen. I set the glass down and close my eyes, breathing in slowly and relaxing. All the sound in the RV slowly fades away till I’m the only thing still there.

I turn around and he’s there. “What are you doing here?” I grab my glass again and drink, hopefully the water will drown the crack in my voice I can feel coming on.

He smirks and walks to me, “Straight to business then?” He slows his pace and takes his time to look up to me.

I hate when he plays stupid games like this. It’s torture though, so much of me wants him, but the rest hates him. “Are you here cause everyone else was busy?” I hope my words strike a nerve.

He smirks again and rolls his eyes “You know it’s you I want.” His final step brings him about a foot from me.

“How many times have you said that to Junior?” I try to not let my desire get the better of me. But he hasn’t been anywhere near me within the past two weeks and now he’s right here obviously wanting me. I set my glass down and cross my arms over my chest.

“You’re right, I have been an asshole to you lately, but only to help better you.” His words are honest, but is his heart?

“How do I know you’re not just saying that? How do I know that after this you’re not going to go and screw Juni--” A quick step and a lean forward he answers me, with a long slow kiss.

His lips are gold, I haven’t tasted him in so long and I’ve wanted it so bad. I know I shouldn’t, but I go with it, I let him slip his tongue in. My arms are around him before I think twice about it. I run my fingers over his strong back and I feel that I’m starting to rise and poke him slightly.

“I didn’t,” his breath is short and quick “mean to hurt,” he looks into my eyes “you.” His hands caress my back and come around to the front of my shirt.

“Jeff,” I try to break my mouth free for a second “Jeff,” but he’s plastering me with kiss after kiss, “Chandra’s just in the other room.”

“Don’t worry about her.” He pins me harder to the countertop.

“What do you mean by that?” I push him back a step.

“I know you want me more than her, it’s ok, you don’t have to hide it from me.” He winks stepping towards me again but I put a hand up.

“Hide what?” He frowns and look at me like I’m crazy.

“The fact that you love me more than her, that you wish you could’ve married me instead. The fact that I had you way before that bitch came along.”

“That bitch is my wife, you couldn’t make up your mind and kept forcing me to wait, well I got tired of waiting. So I chose, her.”

“What?! You chose Chandra over me? Oh I see what this is, you’re trying to get me back for screwing Junior every now and then. Well, about that, I was just using him.” He smirks and laughs, but this wasn’t a laughing matter.

“Just like you used me?” I glare daggers into him.

“I never used you! I love you, how could you think that?” He wipes the smirk off his face awfully quick.

“How come I never heard you say, you just want to be with me? You must’ve never felt that way I guess. Jeff, since you’ve been gone with Junior, I’ve moved on. You had your chance and you blew it.”

He stands there dumbstruck, “Jimmie I never stopped thinking of you though.” He reaches towards me and I knock his hand down.

“Out of sight, out of mind. I’m glad this happened actually. Now I get what I want,”

“And that is?” He crosses his arms and glares at me.

“Someone who loves me, not just what I can do in bed.” I push him out of my way and walk to the bedroom door. “And right now, I’m done. I’m going to be with her, you can find someone else to be your lapdog.”

“Jimmie wait, you don’t understand!” He takes a step toward me.

“NO! You don’t understand. No more waiting…bye Jeff.” I walk into my room and close the door locking it. I pull up the covers and slip in next to Chandra, she immediately snuggles up to me. He never did this. I close my eyes and fall quickly asleep.

~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~

I hear the covers rustle and I know he’s not coming back out. I turn and move towards the door. I reach for the knob and see the relationship that just ended flash before my eyes.

The rookie coming in looking ready to race, molding slowly into the seasoned racer he is now. The first time he said a word to me, to just now when he ended it…all.

I open the door and step out into the night. “Bye.” I walk off towards my RV.

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Jaik - jaik@cryptoffic.com