CoF - Sophie - Sweet Surrender

AUTHOR: Sophie
EMAIL: sophie_limbourg@hotmail.com
RATING: R
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike
SPOILERS: None, AU Human
DISCLAIMER: Nothing is mine.
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Buffy was clinging to Spike. Or was it Spike who was clinging to her? They didn’t know, and to be honest, they didn’t care.

The sun was shining brightly, contrasting almost indecently with the grieving faces of the few people surrounding the coffin.

They had wanted to keep it private, so besides the family, only their closest friends were present. Amongst them, Xander and Willow, Buffy and Spike’s best friends. They had spent most of their childhood at the Giles-Atherton house, and had always considered Joyce and Rupert like their second family.

The coffin was slowly put down in the ground, and Buffy squeezed Spike’s hand. Her own mother had died when she was three, so she barely remembered her. And she had considered Joyce like her mom ever since she had married her father. Even if she didn’t share any blood link with the woman, Buffy’s pain was the same as Spike’s.

Spike let go of her hand to put his arm around her shoulders and place a light kiss on her hair. Then each of them took a flower and threw it in the grave, before slowly going back to the cars.

A small reunion was held afterwards at the house. Buffy and Spike were standing next to each other, receiving the usual condolences.

“I hate those bloody 'appropriate phrases'. And some of those people didn’t even know mum very well,” Spike said, his English accent thicker than usual due to his emotional state.

Buffy gave him a soft smile. “I know. But some of them really meant what they said, you know. Joyce is…was very much appreciated.”

She caught a glimpse of her father talking to an attractive middle-aged woman.
“Look at that,” she told Spike, shaking her head. “Gwendolyn Post is already all over dad. I swear, that woman doesn’t have one bit of decency.”

“She never hid she liked Rupert. Even mum knew it. It was one of their favourite jokes, remember?”

“Don’t be. Mum told me she wanted us to remember all the nice moments. And we had quite a few, huh, pet?”

The smile came back on the young girl’s face. “We sure did. I’ll go check on dad, ok?”

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug before going to save her dad from Mrs Post’s clutches.

A few hours later, all the guests were gone and the house was quiet. After a quick shower, Buffy went to her father’s study.

He turned his gaze from the picture of Joyce he was watching. “No, thank you honey. Where’s William?”

He got up and sighed. “No, I think I’ll just go to bed and read a little.”

Buffy smiled and gave her dad a fierce hug. “We’ll be ok,” she told him, trying to convince herself as much as him.

They held on to each other for a minute, and then Giles pulled her away, cleared his throat and started to clean his glasses. “Right. Try to rest a little bit. The last few days have been exhausting.”

Buffy nodded. She wished her father would open up a little bit more. He had never been one for big display of affection, although Buffy had never doubted his love for her. In fact, the only person he had been more open to had been Joyce. Joyce was American but had married an Englishman and lived in England until her divorce. Then she had come back to California with Spike, where she met Giles. Giles was English too, but had been living and working in the US for a long time, even before marrying Buffy’s mom. When she died, he had raised her daughter the best he could, and even if he didn’t say it often, Buffy knew he loved her and was proud of her.

“Good night, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead before heading to his room, and Buffy bit back tears. She wished she could do something to ease the pain, but there was nothing to be done and she knew it. But she hated feeling so helpless.

She found Spike in the living room, slumped on the couch with a blanket, staring at the TV screen. The sound was muted.

She took a few minutes to observe him. Even though he was a bit paler than usual, and his face wore the lines of tiredness and sadness due to the recent loss of his mom, he was as gorgeous as ever.

Since Joyce and he had arrived in their lives ten years ago, Buffy had been drawn to him. First as the big brother she thought she would never have – he was four years older. When he was twelve, he left to pursue his studies in England at his father’s request. But he came back every holiday, and always treated Buffy like his little sister, being all nice and protective, and she had always enjoyed it. When he reached the age of 18, William – or Spike, like he wanted to be called from then – had become a very handsome young man.

And Buffy’s feelings had started to change. She was 14, and discovered she had a huge crush on her stepbrother. She had thought then that it would pass with the time, that she would meet other guys and forget about the hotness that was Spike. She had grown up, met and dated other guys. But it hadn’t worked. And now she was 18, and her feelings were still there, confusing and scaring her.

Maybe it would be more reasonable to leave him be and return to her room. Yes, but at the same time he probably needed some comfort, and so did she…

He raised his head and saw her. “Hey. I thought you had gone to bed already.”

She shook her head and sat on the chair next to the couch. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. I’m exhausted, but don’t feel like going to bed. I’m too tired to sleep. Does that make sense?” she asked with a frown.

“Yes it does, miss babble mouth,” he answered with a smile. “So, how come I don’t see an army of boyfriends hanging on your skirt?” he asked.

She shrugged. “They are not exactly banging at the door…and lately, between the studies and Joyce, it was the last thing on my mind.”

Also, it would have worked out better if she had stopped thinking about Spike each time she was kissing one of her boyfriends. She had soon realized it was hopeless.

“It’s good that I don’t have a boyfriend?” she asked with a slight smile.

“No, it’s not what I meant,” he said quickly, looking suddenly troubled. “But you’re still young, you should enjoy it, have fun.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I thought having a boyfriend was part of the having fun?”

She shivered suddenly. She was only wearing a tank top, and hadn’t bothered to bring a sweater before coming down.

“You cold? Come here,” Spike said, patting the place on the couch beside him and raising the blanket.

Pushing aside the little voice in her head that whispered it was not a good idea, she complied and snuggled against him. She needed comfort and so did he. So the confusing feelings would be dealt with later.
They stayed silent for a moment before she said, “It’s gonna be hard without her.”

“Yeah. I try to tell myself that she’s better where she is now, but it doesn’t help much. The last week, she barely even recognized me,” he said, with sadness in his voice.

“I worry about dad. He seems to cope right now, but who knows what’s really going on in his head?”

“You’ll be fine, both of you. You have each other. And I’ll come as often as I can. If there’s anything, you just call me.”

She smiled, feeling slightly better. She ran her hand through his peroxide hair, a drastic change he had to make when he got a role in a new TV show a few months ago. “It took me a while to get use to it, but I like it now.”

“Sometimes…I’m not much into science-fiction, so a show about a girl chasing vampires and demons…not really my style. But your character is cool.”

She pulled away from him. “Talking about the show…when do you have to go back to L.A?”

He sighed. “In two days. But if you need me, I can stay longer,” he said, caressing her cheek.

“No, we’ll be fine. Joyce would want you to go. It’s important for you.”

Absently, his hand was still caressing her jaw and her neck. On an impulse, she leaned in and put a soft kiss on his cheek. Their eyes met and she lost herself in the azure depths of his. For a brief instant, their lips found each other’s. It was more a caress than a real kiss, but it was enough to shake them both to the core.

Buffy heard Spike gasp slightly. “Oh God, Buffy…I’m sorry. I…I wasn’t thinking…”

“No, it’s ok,” she managed to say, trying to control the frantic beating of her heart. “I guess…I guess we’re not in our right minds now, considering the circumstances.”

She struggled violently with herself to bite back the tears. There was no way she would cry in front of him.

“Yeah, that’s it. We’re both needing comfort. But still, I shouldn’t have…It was a mistake,” he said.

She got up. Stab me in the stomach, it will be less hurtful, she thought, anger rising. “Well, its time for the mistake to go to bed then,” she said in a harsh tone.

“Buffy, please…” He caught her wrist and she stopped, but didn’t look at him. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let’s forget about it, ok?”

She took a deep breath. That was so easy for him to say. She didn’t want to forget. And she wanted to know what it meant for him. Strictly nothing, obviously, a little voice said in her head. So it was probably wiser to let it go before he started to wonder why she was making a big deal out of it.

She finally looked at him with a fake smile plastered on her face. “Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

He nodded, not convinced, but didn’t add anything. “Ok. Good night, Buffy.”

She had trouble breathing. Between the loss of her surrogate mom, and her confusing feelings for her stepbrother, she was feeling a little bit overwhelmed. She lay on her bed, and let escape a little sob, then another. She buried her face in her pillow to muffle her cries.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

Spike climbed into his car and waved his hand one last time towards Rupert and Buffy.

Leaving her was both a relief and a heartbreak. He loved her deeply, and without her he wouldn’t know if he‘d be able to overcome his mum’s death, and his guilt for not being there more often. And at the same time, he had a lot of confusing feelings coming from God knows where, and he hated it. The memory of their kiss two days ago was haunting him. And it had not even been a real kiss!

The sign for the L.A highway appeared in front of him, and he stepped on the gas, trying very hard to convince himself he wasn’t running away.

CHAPTER 1

“You’ll have to talk to you parents about your brother’s problem, Melissa.”

The young student sitting in front of Buffy made a face. “But he’s going to hate me,” she whined.

“He won’t hate you. He’ll probably be angry for a while, but he will realize sooner or later that you did it for his own good. Believe me. It’s too serious to be hidden from your parents.”

The young girl sighed and got up. “All right. I’ll think about it. Thank you, Miss Giles.”

Buffy smiled. “Anytime. Don’t hesitate to come and see me if there’s anything else.”

“My friends and I adore him, you know, we never miss the show. Do you watch it?”

The phone rang and Buffy waited for Melissa to leave the room before picking it up. “Sunnydale High, Buffy Giles speaking,” she said automatically.

Her heart leaped in her throat but she quickly controlled herself. “Speak of the devil…hi Spike.”

After his mom’s death, he had taken up the habit of calling her or her dad several times a week, and coming as often as he could. The weeks following the funeral had been very hard for all of them. Buffy and Spike had never spoke again about what had happened between them that night, and their relationship hadn’t suffered from it. Mostly because Buffy had done everything to repress her feelings and tried to see him as her big brother only. And she had managed that rather well lately. Well, most of the time.

“In fact it was one of my students. I start to wonder how many of them really come to my office for counseling. They probably hope I’ll spill juicy gossip about you.”

His warm laugh filled her ear through the receiver. “They will be really disappointed then. There’s really nothing juicy going on in my life.”

“If you’re talking about that orgy that took place in that hotel room where I trashed everything, it wasn’t really my fault,” he joked.

“Pretty good. We are 90% sure to be picked up for a third season. Now we are shooting the last episodes.”

In two years, Spike’s show had become a big hit. They had never expected it to have so much success, and it was partly due to the charisma and the charms of its lead actor.

“Now, that’s not why I’m calling. I have next week-end off, and I was thinking about coming back home for two days.”

She was always happy to see him, even if it was a little bit harder then. When he was around, the butterflies were never leaving her stomach.

She hesitated just a few seconds, but enough for him to notice it. “Sure. Yes, I do. I love him.”

She melted. “I miss you too…even when you’re insufferable. I’ll see you on Saturday then.”

She slowly put the receiver back and sighed. There were times where she wondered if she really had succeeded in putting her feelings behind her. She had a nice job as counselor at the high school. She had been lucky to get that job considering she was only 21, but the principal had thought it would be nice for the students to have someone closer to their age to listen to them. And the fact that her dad was the school librarian had helped a little bit as well.

And then there was Riley. The nicest guy a girl could dream of having. He was also the first guy Buffy had kissed without imagining it was Spike. Ok, maybe except that one time…but it was at the beginning and she hadn’t done it afterwards.

Prince Boring. Willow’s voice resounded in her head. Her best friend had never hid the fact that she found Buffy’s boyfriend less than exciting. Ok, so maybe he was not terribly exciting, Buffy thought, but at least he’s…nice.

She tried to come up with other epithets to describe her boyfriend, but couldn’t find any. Irritated, she pushed the thoughts away. She had to stop comparing him – and all the other men – to Spike. It was not Riley’s fault if he didn’t have those gorgeous blue eyes, beautiful cheekbones and a body to die for…

“Gah!” she exclaimed, putting her forehead on her desk. What had she done to deserve this? Would the day finally come when she would stop pining about a guy who saw her like a sister, and worst, who was engaged to another woman?
A big, fat NO appeared in her head and she sighed again.

She raised her head, surprised. Right in front of her desk was standing Prince Bo…Riley. Damn you, Willow.

She smiled. When he was so sweet like that, she had no trouble remembering why she loved him. “Thank you, that would be great. It’s really…uh, nice of you,” she said, wincing at her choice of words.

“Anything for my Buffy,” he said, leaning in to kiss her. She kissed him back. Because she loved him. Not because she wanted to get rid of that image of Spike in her head. And it didn’t work anyway.

“Rough day?” he asked, noting her slight lack of enthusiasm and blaming it on tiredness.

She grabbed her stuff and they ran to the car, which was parked close to the entrance. Once inside, Buffy told him casually, “I got a phone call from Spike. He’s coming home this week-end.”

Riley smiled. “That’s great! The first and only time we met, we barely had time to talk. I would love to get to know him a little better.”

His attention was quickly brought back to the road, where a car was coming out of their right side. The brake screamed and the two cars screeched to a halt, a few inches from each other.

Riley turned to her and unfastened his seatbelt. “Are you alright? That stupid jerk!”

Before Buffy could stop him, he was out of the car. “Hey! Who did you suck to get your driving license?” he asked aggressively.

“What? I was coming from your right side! You were the one not paying attention, you idiot!”

With wide eyes, Buffy saw Riley rolling up his sleeves and marching towards the other car. He grabbed the other driver by his collar and almost pulled him out of the window.

Buffy got out of the car. What the hell was going on with him? “Riley, stop it. Let’s go home.”

She rolled her eyes. “What are you, five? It’s not worth it, Riley. Just drop it, please. Besides, he was in his right.”

She was getting scared now, because her boyfriend was holding the guy so tightly he seemed to have trouble breathing and was slightly turning red.

“RILEY!” she snapped angrily, and that seemed to do the trick. He let the guy go.

He walked back to the car and started the engine quickly, barely allowing Buffy to get back inside herself.

They stopped in front of her house a few minutes later. Buffy took her bag, trying to control her shaking. Riley put his hand on her shoulder and she almost shrieked.

She gave him an incredulous look. “He was in his right, Riley. It was your fault.”

He watched her and finally noticed her shaking and pale face. “I’m sorry, baby. I got a little upset, I admit. But you could have been hurt!”

Yeah, because * you* didn’t watch what you were doing, she thought. But she didn’t dare to say it out loud. She certainly didn’t want to ‘upset’ him more…

“Thanks for bringing me home,” she said, opening the door. She had to get out. She couldn’t stand being near him right now.

“You’re welcome,” he said with a big smile, oblivious to her distress. “Do you want me to come over tonight?”

She closed the door and walked to her front porch on shaky legs. She managed to give him a little wave goodbye before entering the house. He waited for her to get inside before leaving.

Buffy walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water that she drank in one gulp. The scene that had just occurred was replaying in her head. What had suddenly happened to sweet, boring Riley? It was like some demon had possessed him for a minute. She let a nervous laugh escape. To think she had just wished Riley would be a little bit more exciting…that was definitely too much excitement for her.

She was not supposed to go to Willow’s tonight, but now she really hoped her friend was at home.

CHAPTER 2

“I swear, Will, the guy was almost choking. And the worst was that he was totally in his right!”

“I can’t believe this. Prince Boring losing control and turning into a villain? That’s the kind of thing that happens in Spike’s TV show.”

“Well at least if he had been possessed by a demon or something that would explain his attitude. But we’re not in a TV show and demons don’t exist.”

Buffy hesitated. “He always had a certain temper…but I never saw him react so violently. Especially about something like that. There was no crash after all. I don’t understand,” she said, shrugging helplessly.

Willow sighed and got up from the couch where the two girls were slumped and eating ice cream and other stuff that went straight to the hips. “Then I don’t know,” the redhead said, pushing the play button on the CD player. Coldplay’s music filled the room. “But it doesn’t make sense. Here you have Riley Finn, mister Perfect Boyfriend, always nice and sweet…and suddenly turning into some homicidal maniac.”

Buffy laughed. “Ok, maybe ‘homicidal maniac’ is a little bit too strong a word…or two words.”

“There has to be a reason. Or not. I heard about people behaving normally and then one day, bam! They go ballistic for some stupid reason.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, with a sheepish smile. “It’s just…you know I was never really fond of him. And I was not joking, there are people who become crazy just like that. I mean, what do you know about him after all?”

“Before he arrived in Sunnydale? What he was doing, where, how…you know, that kind of stuff.”

“I know he’s from Iowa. His dad is a marine so he’s not home often. His mom died when he was young –that’s one of the thing that brought us together- and he lived with his grandparents. He came here last summer, to start a new job as a sports teacher at UC Sunnydale…another thing we have in common. I mean, working in education.”

“I’m sure that’s a fascinating topic to talk about in bed,” Willow said sarcastically.

Willow made a face. “Yeah, you told me already about Riley’s great performances…I don’t need any more details, thank you.”

“Whatever. But do you know anything about his life in Iowa? Why did he come to California? Don’t they need sports teacher in Iowa?”

“Maybe he has his reasons, like the weather, or…the beaches. I never questioned his motives for coming here. He just told me he had postulate and got the job. End of story.”

“Willow, come on. It’s not like he could be on the FBI’s top ten most wanted. And I’m not going to investigate him behind his back. It was an incident. I freaked out a little, but it’s probably nothing. I mean, Xander loses his temper sometimes too, right?”

“Neither does Riley. Uh, except in this case. But I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.”

Looking backwards, Buffy was thinking that maybe she had given too much importance to what had happened. Everyone had the right to get nervous sometimes…ok, Riley had been downright aggressive, but still…she didn’t see any reason to start watching him as a potential serial killer.

“I will. And this week-end, I’ve got my famous stepbrother who will protect me if need be.”

Willow’s face brightened. “Spike is coming? Great! I haven’t seen him in ages!”

“Well how about we all go to the beach on Sunday? He will want to see you and Xander.”

Buffy had always shared everything with Willow, except her feelings for Spike. She always had known it would be unrequited, and didn’t see the point of having discussions about it. And also because Willow had always considered Spike like Buffy’s brother (and even like her own brother) and she was afraid the red head wouldn’t understand, or worse, would be grossed out.

Now, she sometimes suspected Willow of knowing…but if she did, she never said anything.

“Just once. They didn’t talk much. When I asked Spike, he said that Riley looked…nice. Argh, there is that word again.”

Willow looked at her, confused, and Buffy sighed. “I think he was just being polite.”

Spike cut a small slice of steak and put it in his mouth before looking at Riley.

“Well…the Vampires take over the entire town, the Slayer dies and Hell is unleashed on earth.”

Riley frowned. “Really? That’s kinda…lame, no? And what’s going to happen next season then?”

Spike smirked and Buffy rolled her eyes. “Riley, he’s joking,” she said, glaring at her stepbrother.

The young man made a confused face before smiling. “Oh! Of course. How stupid of me.”

Spike put his knife and fork on his plate. “Sorry mate, I can’t tell you anything. Contracts and all that. The dinner was delicious, Buffy.”

They had just finished dinner and so far the conversation had gone on rather well. Of course Riley had talked mostly about the show, and Spike had nicely complied and answered most of the questions. Buffy wasn’t exactly bored, but she was looking forward to some alone time with Spike.

What? No, no alone time with Spike! It only leads to dangerous thoughts and well buried feelings that don’t need to be digged up.

“Xander and Willow want to see you,” she said, taking the opportunity of a blank in the conversation to change the subject. “I figured we could all go to the beach tomorrow.”

Spike nodded. “Great idea. I miss them. The last time I spoke to Willow it was to confirm my coming to the wedding.”

“She can’t. She has a guest appearance in a Canadian TV show and will be in Toronto.”

“She had a small role on my show during the first season…we hooked up rather quickly, and things went naturally from there.”

Spike smiled teasingly at Buffy. “Really? And here I thought you were talking about me all the time.”

“Anyway, I did the acting school bit for two years, but they kicked me out for some stupid reason I don’t even remember. I did some theater plays, then one day my agent heard about a casting for a new show. I thought it would be funny to play a vampire. I was lucky to get the role.”

“Uh-ho…this can wait then,” Buffy said, putting the plates back and sitting down with a worried look on her face. Spike had his game face on. The ‘overprotective big brother’ one.

“Why come all the way to California to be a sports teacher? Don’t they need sports teachers in Iowa?”

Buffy couldn’t believe this. He was exactly quoting Willow. They must have a telepathic connection.

Riley shrugged. “I just received an interesting offer, that’s all. And California was attractive, what with the nice weather and the beaches…”

“I…yeah, I mean I did and they offered me the job. That’s what I meant.”

Buffy didn’t insist, but her recent conversation with Willow was resonating in her head.

Spike’s gaze went from Riley’s slightly red face, to Buffy’s frowned one. Something there was obviously not right.

“But I’m really glad I came, or I would never have met Buffy,” Riley said, putting his hand on hers and squeezing it. It took her a little effort to smile back, but a big effort not to pull her hand away. Since the car incident, she had trouble with letting Riley touch her.

“Gee, Spike! Did your ass get stuck in the 19th century?” Buffy asked, stunned.

But Riley laughed. “It’s alright, Buffy, I understand. I would probably do the same if I had a sister. And I can assure you my intentions are very serious,” he added towards Spike. “I’ve dated several girls before, but Buffy…she’s really special.”

“That she is,” Spike agreed, suddenly watching her intensely. She blushed under his gaze.

Riley thought it was because of his compliment. “Yes you are, sweetheart. And of course it’s still a little bit early, but I must admit I think about the future sometime, and you’re always a part of it. You know, I even thought about our wedding, and who knows? Possibly children someday…” he finished with a smile.

Buffy froze in her chair. “Woah there, Riley. You never told me anything about this.”

He looked at her hopefully, and she looked at Spike, who was watching the exchange with great interest.

“I didn’t mean to talk about this now, but since your brother was asking…”

“He’s not my brother,” Buffy snapped without thinking, irritated by Riley constantly using that word while referring to Spike.

The phone rang. “Excuse-me,” she muttered before going in the kitchen to pick it up. She came back a few seconds later. “Spike, it’s Darla.”

Riley shrugged. “I didn’t mind. He loves you. I suppose he wants the best for you.”

“Are you sure this has nothing to do with what happened on Thursday? Because since then I feel you’re a little tense…and kinda avoidy.”

She was interrupted by Spike’s return. “How’s Darla?” she asked, hoping Riley wouldn’t insist anymore.

“She’s fine. She comes back Monday night and asked me to pick her up at the airport.”

He was watching her with an interrogative face, but she simply nodded and avoided his look, taking the plates to put it in the kitchen. Buffy, Queen of Avoidance, she thought ironically.

“Not spending the day with us, then?” Spike asked, trying to repress a too cheerful tone.

“Unfortunately. I’m going to San Diego with some friends. It was planned long ago.”

“Thanks. You too. It was really nice talking to you. I suppose we’ll see each other often,” Riley said, shaking his hand.

Riley gave Buffy a quick kiss. “I’ll call you when I come back tomorrow night, ok?”

He left, and Buffy finished clearing the table, waiting for Spike to say something. The confrontation should be starting any minute now…

CHAPTER 3

Buffy closed the door of the washing machine and pushed the start button. A low rumble filled the kitchen.

“I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. What Riley said surprised me…in a bad way.”

“He’s your boyfriend. You told me you loved him. Shouldn’t you be thrilled to hear him talk like that?”

She sighed. “It was no big, really. We had a little car incident, and Riley got…nervous. He kinda lost it, and I freaked out.”

Spike looked at the door from where Riley had left. “Weird. I didn’t picture him as the violent type.”

There was another silence. “I don’t like him, Buffy. And he doesn’t make you happy.”

She went back in the living room. She knew there was no use arguing with him about it, yet she said, “Spike, you don’t know anything about my feelings. You come here and get all judgy on my boyfriend, but you have no clue about what’s going on between us.”

“Maybe,” he conceded. “But even if I don’t know much, I know you, Buffy. I feel it in my guts. That bloke’s not right for you.”
“Of course. And do you have at least some valid points about that?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Oh God. I swear Willow should marry you instead of Xander.”

He smiled. “Well I always had a soft spot for Red.” His face became serious again. “And he bailed on you tonight. As soon as things were a little uncomfortable, he ran away like a bleedin’ coward.”

She knew he was right, but she wouldn’t admit it for the world. Hearing Spike telling her this was only increasing her doubts about Riley and her feelings for him. And she didn’t want to have doubts. She just wanted to pursue a nice relationship with a sweet guy who didn’t remind her of her yummy soon-to-be married stepbrother.

She sat down on the couch and he kneeled in front of her. “I’m not telling you to ditch the guy, Buffy. But I want to see you happy. And right now you’re not.”

He put a lock of hair behind her ear and she closed her eyes, leaning into the touch of his hand.

“I feel lonely sometimes,” she admitted. “Since Dad met Jenny, he’s not around much…which I understand. I really do. He has the right to have his own life, and after all I’ve got mine, with a nice job, and my friends, and Riley…But sometimes I feel like something’s missing. I wish…I wish your mom were still here. I’ve missed her a lot lately.”

She smiled, trying to chase the gloomy feelings. “But I’m happy when you’re here with me,” she said quietly.

He pulled her in his arms and she closed her eyes. Her heart was beating so fast she was surprised he didn’t feel it. She pressed her face into the crook of his neck and he tightened his hold.

Spike’s embrace was not a brotherly one anymore. His hands were caressing her back slowly, and his face was buried in the silkiness of her hair. Buffy didn’t dare to move, afraid to break the moment. So she just kept her eyes closed, savoring the proximity of his body, the way his hands were wandering in slow motion on her back. He finally broke the embrace, looked at her while gently pulling her hair out of her face. They stayed like this for a while, and for a minute Buffy thought – hoped – that he would kiss her. Their lips were just a few inches from each other. It would be so easy to lean her head and…the memory of what had happened three years ago came up in her head and she gasped slightly in anticipation.

That was enough to break the spell. Spike blinked, seemingly waking up from the same enchantment she had been caught in.

But he didn’t pull away, like she expected. He put a soft kiss on her cheek, saying, “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there for you.”

He smiled back and got up. “Well, if we want to make an early start tomorrow, we’d better go to bed. Sleep well, sweetheart.”

Buffy stayed a few more minutes downstairs, wondering what had just happened. Because something had definitely happened. And he had felt it too, of that Buffy was certain. Unless…unless her mind was playing games again and it was just wishful thinking on her part.

In the bathroom upstairs, Spike stepped into the shower and let the cold water try to soothe his troubled feelings.

They were both sitting on the beach, under a parasol, while Buffy and Xander were playing Frisbee a few feet away.

“Isn’t it? I’m kinda proud of it myself,” she said with a goofy smile. “I’m suspecting Buffy’s thinking about him that way too. Even if she doesn’t like it very much. It reminded me the way of your mom reacted the first time you told her you wanted to be called Spike instead of William. I’ll never forget her face.”

Spike chuckled. “And Rupert’s. They said they wouldn’t want to hear that ridiculous nickname in the house ever again. My dad always refused to do it as well. Buffy is the only one who did it…with you and Xand.”

“And now all your fans all over the world,” she joked, before adding more seriously,” Did Buffy tell you what happened with Riley?”

Willow hesitated. “I’m not sure…I never liked Riley very much, and I can’t even explain why. I mean, I’m a sociable girl most of the time, and if I don’t like someone, I generally have a good reason. Like when Cordelia Chase - remember her? That vacuous tramp! For weeks she tried to put her hands on Xander, and it wouldn’t penetrate her thick skull that he was not interested. And that’s absolutely of no interest to you either. So, what I’m saying is, I can’t find any reason. It’s just a gut feeling.”

“I asked Buffy if she wanted me to do some research about him, but she said no.”

Spike stayed silent for a moment, before asking, “Could you do it though? I would, but with the shooting schedule we work at night mostly and sleep during the day. I literally live like a vampire. Also you have all those Internet facilities which I don’t have a clue about.”

“I’ll see what I can do. I don’t like doing this behind Buffy’s back, but I would feel better if I was sure he’s not some dangerous maniac on the run.”

“Ok. I’ll do that. Now enough about Prince Boring. Tell me about the show. How is the season going to end?”

“Ok then. At the end of the last episode, the Slayer was kicked out by her friends, remember? Well, this is what happens next…”

They came back from the beach rather late, having enjoyed the sunny day as much as possible. Since Spike had moved to L.A, and the three others were working, they didn’t have much time for gatherings anymore. So they appreciated those moments even more.

Buffy went to take a shower before coming down with the intention of starting dinner. She found Spike sitting on the back porch stairs, reading something. All thoughts of dinner forgotten, she sat next to him.

“Learning my lines for the next episode. Could you help me rehearse that passage?”

She took the transcript. “But then I’ll know what’s going to happen,” she pouted.
He raised an eyebrow. “Like you care. You don’t watch the show anyway.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Anyway, she alone will stand against the vampires and the forces of darkness because she’s the Slayer. That part I know by heart cause it’s told by the sexy British guy who plays her Watcher at the beginning of every episode. And it’s getting a bit repetitive if you ask me. So, that girl, Faith, she falls in a love with a vampire with a soul – and hello, isn’t she supposed to slay them? – but they can’t be together because of a stupid curse. They did it once and he lost his soul and tried to kill everyone and destroy the world. So she moves on, kills a lot of baddies, wears tons of different outfits even if she doesn’t seem to have a lot of money, and parties with her friends. And then bam ! You’d think she would know better, but no. She falls in love with another vampire. You. And for some reason I don’t think this is going to end well either.” She turned to him, rather proud of herself. “See? I know the important stuff.”

“Looks like you do. So? Will you help me? Cause I would hate to kill the suspense for you.”

“That one. I found Faith in an abandoned house and we have a conversation. Pick from that line, ok?”

“Ok.” She cleared her throat and started to read, “ ‘What are you trying to say?’”

“ ‘I don’t know. I’ll know when I’m done saying it. Something pissed me off, and I just…Unattainable. That’s it.’ “

“ ‘Fine. I’m attainable. I’m an attain-a-thon. May I please just go to sleep?’ “ Buffy raised her head from the script. “God, that girl can be a real bitch sometimes. What do you see in her?”

Spike smiled. “You’ll get it once you’re really in love. May I go on? That monologue is a pain in the ass.”

Spike started the monologue and Buffy read along. At some point, she raised her head and met his sapphire eyes. He was looking at her while talking.

“ ‘…I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You’re the one, Buffy.”

He looked down on the script, then back at her. “For a moment it felt like I was talking to you,” he said quietly.

Her face betrayed her surprise, and she suddenly realized their faces were very close. His fingers wandered on her face, tracing the outline of her eyebrow, the soft curve of her cheek. She closed her eyes, praying silently for him not to stop. Whatever possessed him to be suddenly so tender, she didn’t want it to stop. And suddenly, Spike’s lips were on hers. At first it was hesitant, just a butterfly touch, like the first and only kiss they had shared a few years ago. But then the pressure of his mouth became more insistent, and she opened hers to allow him the entrance.

She didn’t know how long the kiss lasted. It was very tender at first, and was now becoming more intense. His hand, that had been holding her face, was now slowly descending on her shoulder, then sliding under her arm near the soft swell of her breast. She was wearing a light blouse and no bra, and she could feel the burning sensation of his hand through the thin texture. She was dying to feel it on her skin. Boldly, she put her own hand under his t-shirt, her fingers timidly running on his back and his side, before reaching his chest. When she felt him react to her touch, she nearly squealed in delight. Was she really able to make him feel the same wondrous sensations she was experiencing?

Spike’s mouth was now on her jaw and his hand brushed her breast. She gasped, shocked at the sudden wave of pleasure that rush through her. Not really an orgasm yet…but she was definitely close to it. And if Spike’s ragged breath was any clue, the hardness she was feeling through his shorts was the only proof she needed. He wanted her as much as she wanted him. And nothing on this earth would stop them from being together.

They pulled away from each other, both panting heavily. The ominous ringing finally penetrated her brain, and she got up, walking into the kitchen on unsteady legs.

She made a tremendous effort to regain her focus and talk normally to Riley. Her cheeks were flushed and her heart was beating awfully fast. How are you supposed to talk to your boyfriend when you just shared a passionate kiss with another man?

She shortened the conversation. She was feeling guilty. Not because of her kiss with Spike. But precisely because she wasn’t feeling guilty at all. She had kissed another man – hell, she had been ready to let him make love to her right there on the back porch – and she had absolutely no regrets. She would do it again in a heartbeat.

But when she turned to Spike, she knew it wouldn’t happen anytime soon. Reality, in the form of Riley, had just hit them back hard in the face.

Spike didn’t say anything, thankfully. No ‘I’m sorry’ or other nonsense like that. She could see he wasn’t sorry either. But he was feeling guilty.

Two days later, Spike was sitting in his apartment’s kitchen, drinking his morning coffee. I’m such a jerk, he thought. He hadn’t called Buffy yet. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say he was sorry because he wasn’t. Wouldn’t tell her it was a mistake because it didn’t feel like one. That was what was scaring him the most. It had felt so right to kiss her. Never ever had he felt something like that before.

But she was his stepsister, and therefore it was wrong. He had grown up with her. How could he now have those kind of…lusty feelings while thinking about her? She was beautiful. But he met a lot of beautiful women everyday, and didn’t feel the urge to cheat on Darla with them. And that was another problem. He had asked Darla to marry her. Probably not for the right reasons, but that was between Darla and him and he would marry her. He couldn’t have those kind of feelings for Buffy. He had always considered her as a sister.

He would have to talk to Buffy. Explain to her…explain what? He could already see the hurt in her eyes and he couldn’t stand to see her hurt. But that situation between them needed to be resolved.

He heard the front door open and Darla walked into the kitchen, holding a newspaper. She tossed it on the table in front of him.

“Really, Spike, you could have told me you were having an affair with your sister.”

His eyes scanned the front page, one of those trashy papers he avoided like the plague. His eyes grew wide.

CHAPTER 4

When Buffy arrived at the school two days later, she was lost in her thoughts and didn’t notice immediately the way people were staring at her.

She was still thinking about the events of the weekend. She couldn’t think about anything else anyway. Everything was replaying in her head, especially the passionate kiss they had shared. That one was imprinted in her memory like a red-hot mark. She had never dared to think that someday Spike would return her feelings. And now, for the first time, a tiny flicker of hope was blooming in her heart.

She was reaching her office when she finally realized the strange behaviour of the students. They were all watching her, some of them whispering and laughing, others looking at her with mixture of anger and envy. Especially the girls.
Buffy spotted Melissa with her friends and went to the young girl.

On the front page there was a big picture of Spike and her making out on her back porch stairs.

“Oh God…” She opened the magazine to find the article. There were several pictures of Spike in his show, and one that had been taken the Sunday at the beach when he was talking to Willow. And of course, two pictures of her and Spike kissing. And a third one where they were talking (probably while she was helping him rehearse) and where she was perfectly recognizable.

She felt a sudden urge to vomit. Apparently a photographer had been following Spike all the way from L.A. and Spike and her had given him the perfect opportunity. The town of Sunnydale was mentioned, but fortunately, her name wasn’t. Although that was not really a consolation. All of the school knew, apparently, and soon enough the whole town. Or at least the people who knew her and Spike. And some of them thought…her eyes grew wide when she imagined all the consequences it would generate.
“Those pictures are false,” she managed to say. God. She couldn’t do anything else but lie about this. “It’s manipulated. I don’t know how they did it.”

Buffy laughed – although she wouldn’t know why. “They can do pretty much everything now. This is just ridiculous. Spike is my stepbrother, I never lied about that.”

She could see the others were not really convinced, and most of them wouldn’t probably believe her anyway. But it was worth trying. She had to look offended, angered by that. She couldn’t show how hurt, as shattered as she was to see her one and only intimate moment with Spike exposed for the whole state – country?- to see. She was fighting hard the tears that were accumulating behind her eyelids.

“Well it is not. I’ll keep this. Now if you excuse me, I have to call my lawyer,” Buffy said in a very firm voice, leaving the group to walk toward her office. Once inside, she closed the door and leaned on it, putting her hand on her mouth, trying to control her shaking. She couldn’t cry now. She couldn’t let this reach her right now.

She said a silent prayer thanking that her father was in England and not here to see this.

She looked through the pictures again. This moment…had been the most wonderful moment of her life. Probably the most intimate too. And it was exposed in a horrible, trashy cheap magazine.

She took the receiver, intending to call Spike, but put it back. Maybe he didn’t know yet. She knew he didn’t read those things either. But there was a big chance that someone in his entourage would. What if Darla saw it? She didn’t dare to imagine Spike’s reaction when he saw this. He would be furious. She didn’t have a lawyer, but he did. He would probably sue them. Put a denial on the front page.

But even if she had been the first one to deny it, she didn’t think she could bear to hear Spike doing the same thing. To act like all of this was a big phony..

“Will, it’s me. Did you…did you see the latest edition of the Hello magazine?

“In the Hello magazine?? OK…is it about that guitarist from the Dingoes ate my Baby band? Cause I find him cute. But don’t tell Xander.”

“No, it’s not. I’ll wait for you, ok?” Buffy answered, not hiding the urgency in her voice. She couldn’t tell Willow over the phone. Her friend was involved too, since there was a picture of her as well. A very innocent one, although the legend seemed to imply that Spike was sort of entertaining a harem in his hometown, all behind his pretty fiancée’s back.

Buffy sighed. No doubt she would have to face the principal at some point. She wasn’t sure he would buy the fake picture thing either. Who would be naive enough to believe that anyway?

Willow was staring at the paper with a disbelieving look on her face. She read the commentary out loud. “It looks like Spike Atherton, the hot hunk starring in UPN’ show ‘Faith the Vampire Slayer’ is having quite the quality time when he returns to his hometown of Sunnydale on weekends. Just this Sunday he was spotted chatting a sexy redhead on the beach…” she stopped, her eyes growing wide. “Hey, that’s me! I’m the sexy redhead. Oh my God! I’m sexy!” Seeing Buffy’s look, she hastily read on, “…and later that same day was obviously enjoying the ‘conversation skills’ of a cute little blonde. You go, Spike! But what will Darla have to say about this, just a few weeks before the wedding? A ‘close friend’ told us she was devastated and planning on calling the wedding off.”

Willow put the paper back on Buffy’s desk. “Well it’s a good thing Xander was at the beach with us. I don’t know how I would have explained the ‘sexy red head having an affair with Spike’ thing. God, those people are like vultures! Big, horrible black vultures.” She took the paper back, watching more closely the picture of Buffy and Spike. “How do they do it? It’s incredible. You really look like you’re kissing.”

Buffy took a deep breath. This was the first step in a series of probably long, painful ones.

“Kissing like in ‘I help you rehearse your love scene’ or…or like ‘Big smoochies for real’?”

Buffy smiled slightly. “The smoochies part. It just happened. I didn’t expect it, and…it’ s a long story. I want to tell you about it, but not here and now. Ok?”

“Ok…but you’d better give me the long uncut version, missy. Did you call Spike about this?”

“Not yet. I don’t know…I’m afraid of his reaction. And there’s Darla…”

“Here they say she’s devastated,” Willow said with an ironic smile. “I wonder who that ‘close friend’ could be…I wouldn’t give any credit to those stupid comments. Except for the sexy redhead one.”

Buffy rubbed her forehead. It was not even 10 o’clock and she was feeling a big headache coming her way. “I’m scared, Will. I saw the student’s reactions this morning. Those who don’t know me think I’m a little trollop who dates a TV star and lies about it…and the others…those who know me and know Spike as my stepbrother…God, I don’t even want to know what they think!”

“Well maybe it won’t be that bad…I don’t know a lot of people who read that kind of crap around here,” Willow said, but she didn’t seem convinced by her own assertion.

“The whole school knows already. I’m expecting the principal to burst in here anytime now…and people who don’t usually read that will hear about it…or notice the front page in stores…God, how am I going to face this?”

Willow put her hand on her arm. “Put your brave and resolve face on. Act offended. Keep saying the pictures are false…stick to your version. If people see you are angry and determined, they will probably believe it…and forget the whole thing as soon as the next scandal rises. Don’t play the victim.”

Buffy shrugged. “That’s not my style anyway. Urgh! I’m just glad Dad is not here to see this.”

Willow nodded. “ Knowing your dad, you’d better find a good explanation for that kiss. He’s too smart to think these are false. And by the way, I’ll wait impatiently for that explanation as well.”

“You’ll have it, I promise. Thanks Will. I feel a little bit better after talking to you.”

The young woman got up. “Don’t worry too much about it. Call Spike. You have to deal with this together. Especially considering the circumstances, which I don’t know anything about yet. For now I have to go convince my future husband I’m not having a torrid affair with the hottest TV star in Hollywood.”

“If you need anything, call us or come by, ok? Let me know what Spike said.”

The redhead took off, leaving Buffy pondering about calling Spike right now or going to the principal’s office to evaluate the damages done to her reputation and her job.

She suddenly realized that she hadn’t thought for one minute what Riley would say about this. She moaned.

His eyes stayed on the paper for some time, mostly because he was dreading to meet her gaze and see the hurt and confusion that were probably there. She spoke first.

This time he raised his head. He wouldn’t lie to her. He didn’t care what the others would think, but he wouldn’t lie to Darla.

“Yes…they are. I’m sorry,” he said, wishing he could find something else to say. Wishing that kiss with Buffy had never happened ? No…Surprisingly, he didn’t regret that. “Darla, I don’t know what to say. I never meant for you to be humiliated like that, I swear.”

“My stepsister,” he corrected. “And it just happened. We were rehearsing, and…we kissed. It didn’t mean anything,” he added. Ok, now that was a lie.

He got up and came to kneel down in front of her. “Darla, honey…I’m terribly sorry. It won’t happen again. Ever. I promise.”

“No! Nothing has changed. I love you, and I want to marry you. I made a mistake, and I hope you’ll find it in you to forgive me.”

She nodded, seeming a little bit reassured, but the hurt was still there. He knew about her painful past experience and cursed himself for being the one to inflict that pain on her again.

“I don’t know. I’ll probably sue them, just for the principle…” He turned his attention back to her and kissed her softly on the lips. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I love you. You believe me?”

She nodded “Well, if you promise never to do it again…because there’s no way I’m going through this again, Spike. So you’d better make up your mind at what – who – you really want.”

Buffy watched the student leave her office and was glad when no other followed. At least that one had come to see her for a real problem and not because she was the latest trendy attraction.

More than once she had been tempted to take her bag and leave. But she wasn’t a coward, and hiding at home wouldn’t resolve anything. The principal had called earlier to say he would be late, but that he wanted to see her in his office in the afternoon. He had been nice and polite as usual, but she had heard a certain tension in his voice. She really wasn’t looking forward to her meeting with him.

Once again she put her hand on the phone, intending to call Spike. And once again she didn’t do it. Not a coward my ass, she thought bitterly. It was stupid because she really needed to hear his voice, but at the same time she was afraid she would break into tears if she did.

“Oh Spike, thank God you called!” As expected, a flood of tears rushed to the surface but she valiantly restrained them. She knew he hated to see or hear her cry.

“It’s been kinda hard, yeah. I told everybody they were fake pictures, but I’m not sure they believed me.”

“Stick to that version,” he said, once again echoing Willow’s words and she had to smile. “Buffy…I’m sorry. I had no idea that photographer had followed me to Sunnydale. I should have known there was always a risk.”

“Well, we gave him quite the show,” she said, laughing slightly, and Spike was relieved to hear it. Of course he couldn’t see the tears running along her cheeks.
“Spike…do you regret what happened?” she asked softly.

She closed her eyes, a warm wave overwhelming her. “Me neither. Even if it’s a living Hell here right now, I wouldn’t change one second.”

“We have to talk about this, Buffy. As much as I wish it could be, it’s not as simple as that.”

“She’s the one who showed it to me actually. But she was great. She…understood.”

“Well, I hope it will go as smoothly with Riley,” Buffy said, but she knew it was wishful thinking. She had a sinking feeling in her stomach at the thought of the probable confrontation that was to come. “Also, we’d better find a good explanation for Dad. I’m afraid he’ll hear about it sooner or later.”

“Don’t mention that. I would say bugger all to what other people might think – except for Darla – but then I think about Rupert and I feel like peeing in my pants. And that’s not a metaphor. I can be there this afternoon if you need me,” he added, glad he had elicited another little laugh.

She rolled her eyes. Guys could be so dense sometimes. “Somehow I think it would only make things worse. I’ll deal with it. And like Willow said, very soon there will be another scandal and they’ll forget about us.”

“Yes, please.” She didn’t like the pleading in her voice but she couldn’t help it. At least she wasn’t crying anymore.

“I’ll give you Joss’ s office phone number. There’s always someone nearby to answer.”

“Ok. Do you think I could make some money out of it?” she joked, hoping it would ease his concern.

She wrote down the number before hanging up. She was feeling a little bit better now that she had talked to Willow and Spike. She wasn’t alone in this. Maybe people would believe they were fake pictures. Maybe Riley would believe it too. Yeah, right. And there were things much more serious going on in the world. Who was she to whine because she had been caught kissing her famous stepbrother and was now making the front cover of a trashy magazine? It happened to Britney Spears or Jennifer Lopez every week. She was a grown up, she could deal with it.

“I can’t deal with this,” Buffy muttered a few hours later.
She was sitting in her car on the supermarket’s parking lot. After leaving the school, she had remembered she was supposed to do some grocery shopping, since there was nothing left in the fridge. She had pondered for a moment the idea of skipping it and just staying safely at home starving, but decided against it.
She was not a coward, and she was an adult.

The supermarket was the closest one to her home, where her father and Joyce had been shopping for years. Absolutely everyone there knew her. And knew Spike, of course. Some of them probably even believing Spike and her were really brother and sister.

Which would explain the horrified looks she got as soon as she stepped in the store.

She put on a brave face, trying to ignore them. Her heart was beating fiercely, and her ears were buzzing. To the few people who came to talk to her, she lied like she had done all day and gave the same speech. She was seriously getting tired of it. A part of her wanted to shout ‘Yes, I kissed Spike, and I love him, and if you don’t like it just go to Hell’, but she knew that wasn’t a very reasonable option.
She started the engine and drove back home. It was over for today. The day had been awful beyond words, and nothing could get worse now.

She stopped in her driveway and saw Riley pacing on her front porch, the paper in his hand.

CHAPTER 5

"Don't play the smart-ass with me, Buffy. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

She turned the key in the lock and opened the door. "Let's do this inside, and not where the world can see, ok? Because been there, done that. All day long."

"Riley, listen." she paused for a moment. She was about to tell him the fake pictures version, but something held her. She was sick of lying. "I don't know what to say. I kissed Spike. That's it, and I'm sorry," she shrugged.

Riley's face turned slightly red. "That's it? Buffy, do you know what I had to endure today?"

She looked at him, gob smacked. "What you had to endure? What do you think I went through? Everybody was staring or laughing at me, probably thinking the worse. And the Principal told me he had had some parents asking if I was fired. I am lucky he appreciates me, or I would be jobless right now. But he gave me three days free and adviced me to keep a low profile for a moment. All this because some stupid paparazzi thought it would be funny to expose my private life to the whole country. Did I do anything to deserve this? I don't think so."

"I certainly didn't deserve that either. I was the laughingstock of the school today. I've never been humiliated like this in my entire life. All this because you couldn't help but stick your tongue down your stepbrother's throat!"

"Your stepbrother Buffy! You know, I had sensed something weird was going on between you two the other night, but I thought it was just me. And I never thought for one second that you would do this to me. This is disgusting! It's like.incest!"

She got angry. She was fed up of hearing people degrading her relationship with Spike. It was no one's business, damn it. "Don't be ridiculous. Spike and I have no blood relation. It is not incest." She took a deep breath. "Riley, I'm really, really sorry. Of course I never meant for you to be humiliated. What happened with Spike.I didn't see it coming. It happened, and that's all. I can't tell you more. If you want to end things between us, you have the perfect right. I would totally understand."

He seemed to relax at that. "I don't know what I want right now." he came closer and instinctively she stepped back. "But I know one thing." He suddenly grabbed her arm violently and spat in her face, "You're just a filthy whore like all the others!"

As quick as he had grabbed her he let her go, and she stumbled. He shoved the paper in her face, hitting her cheek just under the eye. She couldn't help but let escape a yelp of pain.

He smiled at that, before leaving the house, once again slamming the door violently.

Stunned, Buffy sat on the stairs. Her cheek was shooting with pain, but she didn't pay attention. She was too shocked by the confrontation. Of course she hadn't thought Riley would take it easily, but she hadn't expected the violence and the insults. Maybe she should have. Willow had been right. She got up but her legs were barely sustaining her, and she was shaking all over. She didn't know if there was a risk that he would return tonight, but she didn't want to stay here alone.

A sudden sob caught her by surprise. She had repressed her emotions all day, with the exception of the few tears shed while talking to Spike. But now the dam was breaking, and the tears came back full force, with deep hiccups going through her chest and constricting it painfully.

Still crying, she took her bag and got out of the house. She climbed into the car and pulled out of the driveway.

There was only one place in the world where she would feel safe and good right now.

She had to stop several times on the way because she was crying so much she couldn't see the road. So it took her three hours to arrive in Los Angeles and a few more minutes to stop the car in front of Spike's apartment, right beside his. Which meant he was home.

She then realized she hadn't quite thought clearly about this. What if Darla was there? She doubted the young actress would be glad to see her arrive like that. They had gotten along rather well until now. Of course, that was before Buffy kissed her fiancé on the front cover of a magazine. So she probably wouldn't welcome her with open arms. But the need to see Spike was the strongest, and she got out of the car. She would deal with Darla if needed be.

She avoided looking at herself in the rear-view mirror. She knew she was looked awful, her eyes red and puffy, her face swollen from crying, and she probably had a slight bruise on her cheek from where Riley had hit her with the magazine. And if she needed any proof of that, Spike's face when he opened the door was enough to convince her.

The concern in his voice opened the gates again and the tears were flooding in an instant. He closed the door behind her and took her in his arms. They needed to have a serious talk, but right now it was comfort time.

He rocked her gently for a few minutes, murmuring soothing words in her hair. If Darla happened to walk in right now, he would be in a lot of trouble. But right now, he didn't care. Buffy was his priority. When she calmed down, he pulled away and looked at her. "You should never have driven the car like this. You could have been in an accident. What were you thinking?" he chastised her softly. Then he noticed the red mark on her cheek. He brushed it delicately with the tip of his finger and she winced.

"Buffy, that bastard has no right to lay a hand on you. I'll make sure he understands that the next time I see him."

She closed her eyes. Exhaustion after the events of the day and the journey were catching up with her. Spike caressed her hair. "Look at you, you crazy little bint. You were lucky I was even home."

"I know. I'm sorry I showed up like this. I had this huge fight with Riley, and I kinda broke. I've been selfish. I don't think Darla would be too happy to see me here."

"Probably not," he admitted softly. "But you are, and I'll take care of you. Do you want to take a shower?"

She nodded and he led her to the bathroom, giving her a towel and one of his t-shirts. She reappeared a few moments later and came to sit next to him on the couch.

"I told you earlier today.I don't regret it. But that doesn't mean it can happen again."

"There are many reasons why we can't.why we have to stop this right now. You are tired, so I think we'll keep that part for tomorrow morning. I just.Buffy, I acted like a jerk towards Darla and you. And you both are suffering because of that. I could apologize endlessly but unfortunately it won't change anything. But it's not too late to make things right. I hurt Darla and I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me."

She looked him in the eyes. "I was there. I kissed you back. I'm responsible too. I know exactly what I was doing."

Despite himself, he caressed her cheek with his knuckles. When he was in front of her, all the good resolutions he had made were melting like ice in the sun.

"Alright. We are both responsible. So Darla is the victim in this story. I don't want to hurt her like that again."

It was almost a plea. Help me fight this, Buffy. Whatever is going on between us, we have to fight it.

"I understand," she said simply, not really committing herself. She hadn't said her last word yet.

"You should go to bed," he advised her gently. She nodded and he led her to the guest room. She slipped between the cover and he sat down beside her.

"Will you stay with me? Just for a while?" she pleaded, knowing well she shouldn't ask him that, mostly because he couldn't refuse. For a brief instant she saw him hesitate, but he finally gave in. He lay down beside her, although he stayed on top of the covers. Buffy spooned herself against his body, and he wrapped his arm around her.

Her breathing became regular, and he thought she was asleep when she spoke. "You know what was hurting the most?" she whispered.

"The way people were looking at the pictures. At me. Like it was something gross and disgusting. I don't know what's going on between us Spike, but I know it's neither gross or disgusting." There was a pause and she asked in a less firm voice, "It's not gross, right?"

"Of course it's not, baby," he said, the term of endearment slipping before he could help it. She let out a sigh, of content or fatigue he couldn't tell. But a few minutes later she was asleep.

Spike listened to her slow breathing but didn't move. She had been asleep for more than one hour now. But he was still holding her, ignoring the little voice in his head telling him to safely go back to his own room.

It was wrong. He knew it. This was going too far beyond the 'comforting between stepsiblings'. This was wrong in so many ways, he didn't even want to start counting them. All those feelings he had repressed so far.he had almost succeeded in forgetting about them. But now they were back with a fiery vengeance, and whatever means he tried to bury them back were useless. They only seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. And he could tell himself that he loved Darla and was engaged to her, that Buffy was his stepsister and that Rupert would have his head the minute he heard about it.It didn't change the fact that right now, holding her in his arms was the best, most peaceful moment he had had in months. He had never felt this with Darla.

He had been attracted to the young actress immediately. She was beautiful, of course, but she was also nice and not pretentious at all - a rare thing amongst the actresses he knew. She seemed to be in a perpetual good mood. He had learned afterwards that it was a smokescreen to hide how bad she was feeling after a very painful experience. And he had admired her for that. So they had gone out for a few months, and they were getting along so well it had seemed natural to take the next step and ask her to marry him.

Spike had dated a lot of girls before Darla. Being very good-looking and a popular actor, he never had any trouble finding one. But Darla had been the first one he had fallen in love with. She was different. He remembered thinking at that time she reminded him of Buffy.

Had he fallen in love with Darla because of that? Because in some ways she was like Buffy?

No! A voice in his mind shouted. Of course not. He loved Darla for who she was. Not because she had some vague resemblance to Buffy.not at all.

Right, keep telling yourself that, stupid wanker, another voice whispered. The voice he didn't like to hear because it was generally telling the truth, a truth he didn't want to deal with. What's better then, being a wanker or a coward? he asked himself ironically. But people would get hurt, starting with Darla and Buffy. If he still had doubts about his feelings, he knew all too well how Buffy was feeling towards him. He had read it in her eyes. He just hoped it was not the reflection of his own.

Tomorrow, he decided. Tomorrow we'll talk and I'll try to explain why this can't be. I have to convince her.

When Buffy woke up, she was alone. It was day outside, but the clock told her it was still early.

She found Spike in the kitchen, reading a transcript. She didn't offer to rehearse with him, though.

She nodded, studying his worn out face. "Looks like that was not your case. You up since when?"

"You can thank me by preparing some coffee," he said, smiling. "I could use a cup now."

"Sure," she said, glad to be of some help. She started the coffee machine and put some bread, jams and cereals on the table. When the coffee was done, she poured two mugs and handed one to him. "Thanks," he said, closing the script and putting it aside.

She smiled and sat in front of him. "You're welcome. That's what sisters are for."

He took a sip before putting the mug on the table, his eyes never leaving her face. "You're not my sister," he said quietly.

She felt a new flood of tears coming but didn't let them spill. Hearing that phrase -you're not my sister - although it could have sounded mean and insensitive, was in fact the most wonderful thing she had heard in her life. It was finally the recognition that he wasn't looking at her that way anymore.

She focused her gaze on their joined hands, still struggling against the tears. Deep down she knew he was going to say that. It didn't make it less hurtful though.

"I didn't sleep last night because I thought about us.and about all the reasons why this 'us' can't exist."

Her stomach made a painful twist and her hand tightened on his. "Darla," she whispered.

Guiltily, Spike realized he hadn't thought about his fiancée as the main reason. But she should be. "Yes, Darla. I asked her to marry me.and I will."

Why don't you break up with her? The little mean and selfish part of Buffy's personality screamed. She could never say that out loud.

Like he had read her mind, Spike said, "I can't break up with her. First, I don't want to. And second.not a lot of people know that, but two years ago, Darla was engaged to another guy. He dumped her one week before the wedding."

"She was devastated. She agreed to marry me because she trusts me, Buffy. Can you imagine her reaction when she saw the pictures yesterday? And still she forgave me. So there's no way I'll hurt her like that again. Breaking up with her is out of the question."

In Buffy's mind, it was still unclear if he didn't want to leave Darla because he loved her, or because he didn't want to hurt her. But she wasn't ready to deal with the possible answer, so she didn't ask. She just said," Darla's not the only reason, right?"

He saw the pain and struggle on her face and cursed softly. Why did this have to happen? Why had things changed, inducing feelings that were only creating a soddin' mess?

"I don't want to, but I bloody well need to hear it too," he muttered, pinching his nose in a way that reminded her of her father. "You know I don't really give a damn about what other people think. But there are situations where you can't just ignore it. You experienced it yourself first-hand yesterday. The way people reacted.In Sunnydale, most people know us as stepsiblings. But some of them actually consider us like brother and sister. They considered us like that for 13 years. You saw yesterday how they would react to any.closeness between us."

"It's not," he said firmly. "But Sunnydale is a small town, and some things will never be accepted. If we were to be together, we could never stay there. You would have to leave your job, your house, your friends.and I don't even want to think what impact it would have on your dad. How he would face the situation."

She could have told him that she didn't care as long as they were together, but she knew it wasn't true. She could never throw her life away like that, and she loved her father too much to inflict that on him.

"Also," he continued, "I didn't tell you yesterday, but I had some reactions at work too. The people who don't know you now think I'm a cheating bastard.and the others all think you're my sister. You can imagine what they think. What I did.was very bad advertising for the show. To say Joss was furious is an understatement.

"And here I thought I had been the only one having a bad day. I'm sorry." She had been selfish and had thought only about her problems, without thinking it could have dire consequences on his life too.

He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it sweetly. She watched him, not hiding the deep love she felt anymore. She smiled tentatively. "Well, that's a lot of points in the negative column. Anything in the positive one?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, still holding her hand against his face. When he opened them, he said softly, "I love you."

He put everything he had in him in that sentence, realizing also with terror that it was probably the first time he really meant it. That this was the kind of love you only met once in your life.

Buffy let the tears finally run free down her cheeks. "I love you too," she managed to say, feeling so relieved to be able to say those words to him, even if at the same time it sounded awfully like goodbye. She got up. "I'd better get dressed," she said, and he let go of her hand reluctantly. She smiled sadly at him.

"Will you be ok?" he asked, concern written all over his face. "If you don't feel ready to drive all the way back, you can stay a little longer."

She shook her head. "No. I'll be fine. And it probably wouldn't be very wise to stay together right now."

He knew she was right and that he had to be strong too. He was the one engaged to someone else. He was the one who had come up with all the 'good reasons why not'. Still a part of him was frantically searching for a reason to make her stay.

She was about to go but suddenly he slammed the door and took her in his arms. Instinctively she put her arms around his neck and they held tightly to each other. They didn't talk, they didn't need to. Their bodies communicated well enough. Spike drew deep down his strongest will to find the courage to let her go. He pressed a soft kiss on her forehead and they stayed like that a few more moments. She finally tore herself from him and ran to her car.

These authors spend lots of time to write these stories. If you took the time to read this PLEASE take the time to give them some feedback. Happy writers write more ;-)

Sophie - sophie_limbourg@hotmail.com

Prologue

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

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