Buffy was turning and returning the letter in her hands. She couldn’t believe it, although she should have seen it coming.

The last few months had been hell. With Tara’s death, Willow going crazy and Anya back to the vengeance…she must admit money had been the least of her concern.

Big mistake.

Because in two months, she was supposed to be out of her house.

She had lost her house.

Her mother had taken out a mortgage a few years ago, and with all the events that had happened, Buffy had kind of forgot there were payments to make.

She realized now that she had been highly irresponsible, considering she had a teenage sister to take care of, bills to pay, food to put on the table.

And she was paying the price. How was she going to tell that to Dawn? They had so many memories here. Not necessarily good ones. Her mother had died here. They had all been stuck inside with a dangerous
demon on her last birthday. Tara had been shot in her mom’s room…

But still, it was home. The place where the Scoobies came when they were hurting, something which had happened way too often lately.

And now, the core itself of the Scoobies had been torn apart. Anya had gone to England with Giles, Xander had received an interesting job offer in San Fransisco. Willow was still there, but she was just starting to recover, and Buffy was afraid sometimes of the emptiness reflected in her friend’s eyes. And their relationship had been severely bruised.

With a sigh, she sat down on the kitchen’s island, putting her head in the
circle of her arms. She would not cry. She had no tears left. But once again, she felt that awful loneliness she constantly lived with.
Since he had left.

When Dawn came back a little later that day, she heard her sister talking on the phone in the kitchen. She was about to let her know she was there when she heard Buffy’s words.

“I haven’t told Dawn yet…I received the letter this morning. How am I going to tell her we have to leave our house?”

Dawn stopped dead in her track. What? What was Buffy talking about?
There was a short silence while the other person probably said something, then Buffy said while sighing:

“Yes, that’s another problem. I really have no idea what to do with her. I feel like I have to play mom 24/7, and sometimes…it really gets on my nerves.”

Feeling suddenly very cold, Dawn stepped back and silently climbed the stairs. She didn’t listen to the rest of the conversation.

“Don’t get me wrong, Willow’s still my friend, but she’s not the same anymore, as you can imagine…and our relationship has suffered a lot.”

“I’m afraid you haven’t seen the end of the tunnel yet,” Giles said on the other end of the phone. After a slight hesitation, he asked “Buffy, if you need me…”

“No, Giles. If you have to come over each time things are not perfect,
you might as well move back in! I’ll handle it. I’ll find a solution. We always do.”

“All right. I’ll call back next week to check how things are going.”

“Thanks. Knowing you’re there, even far away…it’s comforting. Take care…Bye.”

“Bye, Buffy.”

Buffy hung up, fighting back tears. She went to the living room, and sat on the couch. Hearing Giles’ voice had made her feel lonelier then ever. But she couldn’t be dependant on him anymore. She had to take matters in hands and solve her own problems.

Sitting on her bed, Dawn was staring into space. She didn’t feel like crying, or whining. Those were two things she had been very good at the past two years.

But right now, she wasn’t feeling anything. Which was a strange feeling.

Oh, well, at least she was feeling something.

In less than one minute, two things had struck her: they were homeless, and she was a burden for Buffy. She had suspected her sister was feeling that way. After all, Dawn wasn’t meant to be. She had always been a burden, considering she was a young teenager with no special skills…she wasn’t a witch, like Tara, or an ex-demon back into vengeance like Anya…she was useless.

She shook herself. Be careful, Dawn. You’re back on the whining, self-pity bandwagon.

She went to her closet and retrieved a suitcase from the depths of it.

She had been thinking about this for some time. Now it seemed the most logical thing to do.

Los Angeles
------------------

“This is so much harder than I thought. I just wanted us to be a family again. And I love him so much. He’s my son.”

Cordelia smiled sweetly at him.

“I know, Angel. I love him too. Just give him more time. He needs to get to know us better.”

Angel looked at her with sadness in his eyes. He loved Cordelia so much and he was glad she was here, but he could not forget the two weeks he had spent at the bottom of the sea so easily. He could not totally forgive Connor like he wanted to. He didn’t understand why the boy hadn’t tried to talk to him first. He had condemned him immediately, and that total lack of trust between them was making the communication very hard.

Connor was tired. Being back at the hotel with Angel and the others after what he had done was not easy. Everybody, especially Gunn and Fred, were constantly watching him wondering what bad thing he would do next, and sometimes he thought he never should have come back. He would have been fine on his own. But he craved the love and the warmth of a place he could call home.

As he walked by his father’s room, he heard his name and stopped to
listen.

“Connor is so unpredictable, so wild, so untamed…I just don’t know how to deal with him most of the time…He doesn’t want to let us in…”

“Well, he was certainly more easy to deal with when he was a baby,” Cordélia said, trying to lighten Angel’s mood a little bit, and God knows it was not an easy task!

“I don’t know how to approach him. Sometimes I wonder if it was a good thing he came back from Quor-Toth like that…”

Connor froze, horrified. His father didn’t want him. He should have known…he was just a burden for them, an annoyance. After all, he wasn’t meant to be, right? The child of two vampires…what good could ever come of that ?

Cordelia and Angel were still talking, but he didn’t want to hear it anymore. He ran to his bedroom.

He knew what he had to do now. Hell, there was only one thing to do.

He took his backpack out of his closet and filled it with clothes and the letter Holtz had left him before he died.

Connor sat on his bed.

Tomorrow, when everybody woke up, they wouldn’t have to bother with him anymore.

“…I mean it would have been so much easier if he was still a baby. I know it’s stupid to think that way…and I love him, no matter what. I really want us to have a special relationship…to be a father for him.”

“Angel, I told you, you have to give him and yourself some time. It’s as hard for him as it is for you,” Cordelia said gently. “You know, Connor made his share of mistakes in the past few months and he probably feels horrible and all. Just be yourself with him and things will get better, I’m sure.”

Sunnydale
----------------

Buffy saw Dawn coming down the stairs.

“Dawnie ? When did you come back ? I didn’t hear you.”

Dawn shrugged in a casual way.

“I went straight to my room.”

“Did you have a nice time, with Janice?”

“Yeah.”

Buffy hesitated, not knowing how to tell her the news. After a moment, cowardly, she didn’t say anything. Later, she decided. No need to upset Dawn too soon. But even to her own ears that excuse sounded lame.
She just had no idea how to tell her younger sister that they would be homeless in two months.

“I’m going patrolling later tonight,” she said. “Would you like to come with me?”

Dawn had been patrolling and training with her lately, and she had done pretty well, forcing Buffy to admit her sister was not a little girl anymore. After all, she was sixteen, the same age she had been when she was called.

“No thanks,” said Dawn. “I’m tired.”

Buffy was very surprised but didn’t insist.

“Ok.”

Then, seeing the strange expression her sister was wearing, she asked,

“Is everything all right?”

“Everything’s fine. It’s just…school starts again in one week…you see.”

“You don’t mind staying alone with Willow?”

“Why would I? She’s such fun to be with…”muttered the teenager in a sarcastic tone.

“Dawn…please. I know you have a hard time forgiving her…”

“How could I forgive her? It’s her fault if Tara’s dead.”

“Don’t say that! You know it’s not true.” Buffy said, though the thought had crossed her mind.

“You know it is true, Buffy. If she hadn’t used so much magic, Tara wouldn’t have broken up with her. And things would have been different, she maybe wouldn’t have been in her room when Warren came and thought he was John Wayne.”

“You don’t know that. Sweetie, I know you miss Tara…I do too. And Willow…I know she did terrible things. I don’t know how to deal with her myself most of the time. But in some way, I try to understand her. If Warren had shot you…I probably would have done some terrible things myself.”

Dawn nodded, totally unconvinced.

“That’s possible. But we’ll never know, right? Like we don’t know why Spike suddenly left…”

She saw Buffy’s face turning white, the reaction she had expected.

“You haven’t mentioned his name. Not once.”

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Then why do you sleep with his leather coat on?”

Buffy became whiter – if that was possible.

“How…? Never mind. And it just happened once…maybe twice.”

“You never told me what happened before he left. Xander told me…”

“I know what Xander told you. He wasn’t there, he doesn’t know what actually happened. I don’t want to think about it anymore. That’s the past. I put all of that behind me.”

“Even him?”

Buffy didn’t answer. How could she explain…there was not a single day when she hadn’t thought about him. Each time she saw a platinum-blond head, her heart was beating faster, only to break a little bit more because of the disappointment. When she closed her eyes, the only thing she saw was his face.

Smiling at her. His hoarse voice whispering love words…but then that ugly scene in the bathroom appeared and ruined everything.
She shook her head.

“I miss him,” she admitted softly.

“Me too” said Dawn, and there was an moment of understanding between the two sisters.

But then Dawn’s expression got serious again, like she had let herself go and regretted it.

“I’ll go to my room,” she said.

Buffy nodded.

“Ok. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

Dawn didn’t answer and went back upstairs. In a way, Buffy understood her sister’s reaction. The last two years…the only real ones of her existence, had been hell. And things weren’t going to get better anytime soon…

Los Angeles
------------------

Throwing his bag onto his shoulder, Connor walked out of his room.

Everyone was asleep, now, finally, and he knew no one would see him leave. No one would stop him now. He was almost at the door when he realized that he had nothing to trade if he ever needed anything, and
Angel had explained to him that in order to trade in this world he needed small pieces of papers and coins called money. He understood the system since they had something quite similar in Quor-Toth.

Connor looked around, realizing that in this world he wouldn’t go far without money. He suddenly remembered that Angel Investigations had closed a case that same day and the client had paid in cash, so the money was probably still there at the reception.

He walked to it and tried to open the drawer. It was locked. Connor frowned. He had wanted to be discreet, but if he wanted to open the drawer he would have to make some noise. He went to the weaponry closet and retrieved an axe. He walked back to the office, closing the door behind him, hoping it would be enough to muffle the noise he was about to make. With one expert hit, Connor broke the lock and opened the drawer. He took the money, putting some in his pocket, some in his bag, and some in his socks. That was something else Gunn had taught him, not to put all his money at the same place.

He stood up, took his bag, and walked out of the office - out of the hotel
and on the street towards the bus station.

Sunnydale
---------------

Dawn watched her alarm clock. One am. The house was silent. Willow was probably sleeping, and Buffy wouldn’t be back from patrol for an hour. And she had put pillows and stuff under her comforter, just in case her sister checked on her.

Carefully, she went downstairs. She walked out of the house, without turning back. Next stop, the Magic Box.

She was holding a stake firmly in her hand, just in case she met some evil nasties. All those hours spent patrolling with Buffy would be at least useful.

Once at the Magic Box, she put her bag on the bench and started to
unlock the door with her hairpin like Spike had done the day they had broken into the shop, two years ago. The memory brought unwanted tears to Dawn’s eyes, but she wiped them away hastily. Now, more then ever, she was feeling the pain of his absence.

Inside the shop, she went directly to the training room where she knew Buffy and Rebecca (The friend of Giles who was running the shop now) hid some money.

Of course, stealing money was not the cleverest thing to do. Buffy needed it desperately, especially now. But Giles would probably send some more to help. And she intended to give it back, one day. So that was not really stealing. More like borrowing. And she felt less guilty
thinking of it that way.

There was more money that she had counted on, so she didn’t take all of it. What she took should be enough to help her starting over.
Wherever that may be.

Buffy came back from patrol, exhausted. The slaying had been non-existent tonight. Which was bad, because then she had plenty of time to think. And thinking was definitely not of the good. Especially when it involved a bleached blond British vampire.

So she had walked and walked until she was too tired to think of anything but her bed. She had even managed to avoid his crypt. ‘Hurray for me’ she thought bitterly.

She felt a too familiar sob growing in her chest, but she repressed it. Hell, that’s all she was good at, lately. Crying. She was better at crying than slaying. She had turned into her sister.

‘No, that’s not fair’ she thought. Dawn had changed a lot. She had grown up. There was that look in her eyes…a grown up look. Maturity. A little too much, maybe.

She didn’t open her sister’s door, afraid to wake her up. Dawn was probably sleeping.

Well, her duties for tonight were over. Like Scarlett O’Hara had said, tomorrow was another day.

After a quick shower, Buffy climbed in her bed and fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

~*~ CHAPTER 1 – Going and Leaving ~*~

Dawn hadn’t expected the bus station terminal to be that big. For the first time, she started to wonder if her leaving was a good idea. Oh come on, you made it as far as L.A, you’re not gonna chicken out now. But for a moment she had been tempted to forget all her resolutions and run to the Hyperion, asking Angel or Cordelia to bring her back to Sunnydale.

It was only 8 am, but there were already a lot of people waiting for their busses. A little lost, she finally headed for the ticket counters. Although it may be a good idea to decide first where she wanted to go.

An advertising board for Seattle caught her attention.

Ok…Seattle, then.

Dawn refused to think that what she was doing was crazy. She knew it. If the police for some reason caught her, she would be in trouble. She was still under age. Once in Seattle, she would have to find somewhere to live, a job…

But Buffy had done it before her. That summer, after sending Angel to Hell. So there was no reason Dawn couldn’t make it too.

She bought a ticket, went back to the main hall. She spotted a young guy about her age, alone. The look on his face hit her. Very lost, but trying very hard not to show it. Exactly like her. Before realizing it, she was standing in front of him.

“Excuse me…”

His gaze met hers. Wow. What pain and anger were in those eyes. She lost her focus for a mere second.

“I…uh…Do you know which one is the bus to Seattle ?”

The guy stared at her for a minute before answering “That one” and showing a big white bus with – as Dawn noticed, a little embarrassed – a ‘Seattle’ sign on it.

“Oh…Of course. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

The bus was leaving in thirty minutes, so she already took her seat inside. She could use a little sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Connor had no idea where Seattle was but it was a rather expensive destination, which meant it was probably far. He bought a ticket and went back to the main hall. It was only 8 am and the bus wasn’t leaving before 8.30, so he had time.

He began to look around him to observe all the people. This world was still so strange to him. On Quortoth, Holtz and him had been the only humans but here, there were humans everywhere, and they were all so different. He remembered the first time he had seen Gunn, he had wondered what type of paint he used to keep his skin so brown. And then he had seen more and more black people, Latinos and Asiatic, and he had understood there were a lot of different types of humans, even if they were all the same species. That had been one of the many surprises this world had to offer.

Another surprising thing was that most humans were unaware of demons. Rarely would demons been seen during the day, and if people saw some of them at night sometimes, they would prefer denying it, blaming the shades or the bad lightning.

Angel had told him that even Connor himself would probably be considered abnormal because of his speed and strength. Connor had frowned at that.

He * was * normal. Would people really consider him some kind of freak? He was a demon hunter, someone who fought the good fight. But Angel had explained to him that sometimes it was just not enough, that people got scared of what they couldn’t comprehend.

Connor had been observing people for a while, learning from them what seemed to be normal when suddenly a girl materialized in front of him. She was a very pretty girl about his age, with long dark-brown hair and blue eyes.

“ Excuse me…I…uh…do you know which one is the bus to Seattle?”

He didn’t answer right away, mesmerized for a minute by how pretty she was.

“ That one” he finally said.

She smiled, looking embarrassed.

“Oh…Of course. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

She seemed a little lost, and he could totally rely to that. She saw her climbing in the bus, and resisted the urge to follow her. The last thing he needed right now was to get involved with some girl. Even if she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dawn woke up a little later. The bus was moving. She checked her watch. She had been sleeping for one hour.
She opened her backpack and took some pastries she had bought. The person beside her stirred, and she realized it was the cute guy from the bus station. So, he was going to Seattle also. He seemed to be sleeping, or lost in some reverie. Dawn took the opportunity to look at him.

He was really cute. But his hair was funny, all messed up. And it needed a good cut. His fashion sense was also very special. Not really the kind of guy Dawn used to hang out with. But she couldn’t help remember the pain and anger she had read in his eyes. It seemed he had his share of suffering. Well, she thought, welcome to the club.

She couldn’t chase that feeling of guilt away. Guilt for leaving her sister like that. Now Buffy would be all alone, except for Willow.

Giles had sent Willow in England to a place where she could be healed. Then, with the help of Anya, Xander and Buffy they had rebuilt the Magic Box again. Some of Xander’s construction buddies had come to help, and within two month it was brand new again. Then Giles had decided to go back to England, and to everyone’s surprise, Anya had announced that she was going with him. If something had been going on between them, they had stayed very discreet. Anya was still a vengeance demon, but it didn’t seem to bother Giles. And after all, he couldn’t pretend to be 100 % normal either….

Things hadn’t finally worked out between Xander and Anya. There had been too much pain and anger. She couldn’t get over the fact that he had left her at the altar, and he really had troubles forgiving her little misstep with Spike.

Dawn’s thoughts drifted to the vampire.

Spike had been MIA for more than three months now. He had left without even a goodbye. Which seemed normal, considering the circumstances…but she still wanted to hear his version of the story. Assuming, of course, that he would come back…and that she would come back too. She knew Spike’s abrupt departure had hurt Buffy. More than she admitted it. Dawn had sometimes caught her sister caressing the leather jacket well hid in the closet…or just staring at it with a sad expression.

When Willow had come back, things had improved a little bit. Buffy and her had had a heart to heart talk. Of course, it hadn’t been all forgive and forget. Forgiving took time and there was no way either of them could ever forget. And even if herself had kept her distances with Willow, Dawn was happy that her big sister got her best friend back.

And then, Xander had left.

He didn’t want to, at first. He couldn’t consider leaving Buffy, Willow and Dawn. They needed him, and he needed them, especially since Anya’s departure. He had buried himself in work, and his boss had offered him a temporary job in San Francisco on a big construction site. He was going to be promoted and in charge of an entire crew. That was a great opportunity for him, both financially and professionally. But mentally, he felt really bad about the idea of leaving his three girls behind. Especially – and Xander hated to admit it but it was the truth – now that Spike wasn’t there to help them anymore. Not that his idea of help had been very successful in the end with Anya and Buffy…

Finally, it had been Willow who had convinced Xander to leave. He badly needed the change of scenery. And it would be for a few months only.

Willow had then re-apply to UC Sunnydale, and as soon as it started she would move back to the dorm. Buffy had quit the Doublemeat Palace and found a job as a waitress in a nice little restaurant. The rest of the time, she was supervising the Magic Box with Rebecca. Rebecca was an old English lady, a friend of Giles. She wanted to move to California, so Giles had offered her to run the Magic Box, as well as moving in his old apartment. She had accepted gladly, as she was a little bit into magic herself, and she had got along with the girls just fine.

A growl in her stomach reminded Dawn she had barely ate anything beside that pastry this morning. She took an apple from her bag.

The boy next to her was watching her. He really had a funny look. But, she thought for the zillion times, he was cute. She smiled to him.

“Do you want one?” she asked, showing the apple.

“No. Thanks.”

He didn’t smiled back, watched elsewhere.

“Ok…Moody much?” muttered Dawn.

She decided to ignore him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The road was long and the ride was boring.

Connor had no idea how long he would have to stay there, in his seat, but after a few hours, he was anxious to move and walk again. He looked around him and saw that most people were sleeping, even his pretty neighbor. He had sit next to her because he had been the last one to get in the bus and it was the only seat left vacant.
He didn’t feel tired. He just felt sad.

Life had not been easy in the last few month – Hell, it had never been easy. But just when he started to believe that Angel really wanted to be with him, he discovered things were not as good as he had imagined, and that his father hadn’t really forgiven him like he had said.

Of course, he had to admit that what he had done was not easily forgivable. After all, he had sunk his father into the bottom of the sea.

He remember these few weeks well, he remembered finding Holtz’ body with two puncture holes in the neck, as if a vampire had drained him. He remembered the rage he had felt and the assumption that Angel had been the one to do this, assumption only fueled by an equally angry Justine.

He hadn’t recognize her at first, and he hadn’t wondered who she was, too preoccupied with his own grief. She had helped him to exercise his vengeance, as if she had something personal against Angel herself.

After they had sent Angel’s metal coffin at the bottom of the sea, she had invited him to stay with her, telling him how good a fighter he was and that they would make a perfect team. Lonely and disoriented, Connor had followed her in the hope he would find acceptance with her, or something resembling a family. Like he and Holtz had been, and like Angel and his team had also seemed to be before he found out the awful truth.

But he had soon been bitterly disappointed. Justine had been violent, ruthless and highly unstable. He doubted anybody had ever seen that side of her personality. She was also a fanatic and didn’t trust the people who didn’t see the world like her. Of all the scary things he had met in his life, Connor started to consider Justine as one of them.

Two weeks after he had get rid of Angel, Connor was roaming the streets and ended up at a bar, downtown, that he had previously visited with his Holtz. The bar was the propriety of a law firm and generally full of demons and such. So he didn’t feel too much displaced there.

He was drinking a root beer when a woman approached him.

“Aren’t you a little bit young to be in here? She had asked.

“Leave me alone” he had growled.

“Wait a minute, I recognize you. Connor, isn’t it? You’re Angel’s son. How come your father let you come here?”

“He’s not around to tell me what to do anymore," Connor said harshly.

“Oooh, I detect bitterness. What happened? You and Daddy got into a fight?

“He killed the man who raised me”

“Holtz? Angel killed Holtz?“ she said, showing real surprise.

But even more surprised was Connor. How the Hell did she know all that stuff about me? he wondered.

“Well, he sucked him dry” he answered.

“No way! Angel killing a human would already be very surprising, but sucking somebody dry…that’s near impossible. Unless he’s back to being Angelus.

Because Angel hasn’t feed from a human since he got his soul back, except one time, about four years ago when he got poisoned and his girlfriend beat him into feeding from her. No, Angel would have not done that. Angelus could have, but not Angel. He has too much of a conscience to do that.

Connor watched her for a minute, frowning.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Lilah Morgan, from Wolfram & Hart. And believe me, Angel and his alter ego Angelus are my specialty.”

That discussion had got Connor seriously thinking. What if Angel had been honest all along? What if he hasn’t been the one who had killed Holtz? What if Holtz letter really meant what it said, that he should go back to leave with Angel and give him a chance?

With his new disturbing knowledge, Connor had been back to the place where he had found the dead Holtz being held by Justine. And now that he could think more calmly, he was seeing things he hadn’t seen before. Like the significant amount of blood on the floor, blood that would not have been there if a vampire had really drained Holtz. Looking around, Connor found a bloody ice pick behind a trash container. That could have perfectly imitated punctures holes made by vampire teeth.

So if Angel hadn’t killed Holtz, who did?

And Connor remembered that Justine had been there, holding the dead man, crying, with blood on her hands.

Horrified by the realization, Connor had run home. No, not home. Just the place where he and Justine lived.

She was there, sitting at the table, a knife pinning one of her hand in it. Connor didn’t understand why she did that, why she would put herself through this type of physical pain once a week. Disgusted with her habit, Connor had taken the knife out of her hand and thrown it across the room, planting it in the wall next to the fridge. He then had taken the bloody ice pick and planted it on the table.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? she exploded when the knife left her hand. And where the hell did you get that?”

“This time around, I am the one who asks questions,” he had said coldly.

She had looked at him and paled visibly when she had met his hard cold eyes.

“Who killed Holtz?” he had asked.

“Angel did,” she had answered.

He grabbed her by the throat and pulled her out of her chair.

“Who.Killed.Holtz?” he had asked again between his clenched teeth.

Justine had swallowed nervously, barely able to breathe.

“He asked me to do it,» she had finally answered.

“He who?”

“Holtz. Holtz asked me to kill him.”

Connor had let go of her and she had stumbled.

“Why?” he had asked, turning away from her.

“Because he wanted you to finish what he had started, he wanted you to destroy Angelus, and you did. He would be so proud of you. He knew that if he didn’t give you a reason, you would not have done it. Everything is now as it should be, everything is right.”

Connor knew that was a lie. Nothing was right. Everything was wrong. He had sent an innocent into the bottom of the sea. An innocent who had only wanted to love and accept him. And Connor had so cruelly craved that love and acceptance.

“You’re sick,» he had said to Justine. ”You’re sick and you’re wrong.”

“Yeah, well, what are you going to do? Fish him back?”

That was exactly what Connor wanted to do. But he didn’t know how.

Desperate and disillusioned, Connor had walked away and had been to the beach where he had fought his father for the last time. He had sat on a rock, and, miserable and lonely, he had begun to cry as if he was a baby.

He had never cried like this before because Holtz would never have allowed it.

But now, he was alone and everybody who loved him, or could have, was gone. He had pushed them away by his blindness to conduct his selfish vengeance.

“Connor, what are you doing here? What’s going on?”

The soft and gentle voice of Cordelia had startled him. Quickly, he had dried his tears with his shirt’ sleeve.

Cordelia had walked to the rock and had sat next to him. She was wearing the same clothes she had been wearing two weeks ago. She looked around, puzzled and disoriented.

“Connor, where is Angel? We were supposed to meet here.”

“That was two weeks ago, Cordelia.”

“Really? I didn’t realize…I was taken away by the Powers-That-Be, and…now I’m back.” She had raised her head. “Can’t you make up your mind?” she had shouted at the sky. “Well, there has to be a reason. They brought me back right here where I find you crying. So, tell me, what happened?

Connor looked at the sea.

“I…I sent him deep down, in a box” he had finally said, letting the tears fall freely on his cheeks.

“What? Why?”

Her lack of anger surprised him.

“Because I thought he had killed Holtz.”

“Oh, Connor! Angel would never do such a thing. He knew you loved him and wouldn’t have wanted to hurt you like that. Why didn’t you come to us to talk?”

“I know…I know that now. Is it to late?” he asked in a trembling voice, feeling ashamed like never before.

Gently, Cordelia pulled him to her and hugged him.

“Well” she said, “I guess we have a big fish to catch”.

“But how?”

“Don’t worry. We’ll find a way. I know now why I’m back. My work here is far from done!”

They had gone back to the Hyperion, much to the delight of Gunn and Fred who had been left in the blank for two weeks. They had rented a barge, then, with the help of two Gunn’s friend they had left at sea and had found Angel with some of Cordelia’ surprising powers.

Connor had learned that Cordelia had disappeared during those two weeks. She had been taken to a higher dimension to fight evil. According to Cordelia, it had seemed to her she had been gone for fifteen years. It had intrigued Connor greatly that in those fifteen years she hadn’t aged a bit. He was curious but he hadn’t had the time to investigate the matter further.

As soon as Cordelia had located Angel, they had sent some of Gunn’s friend under water to hook Angel’s casket with the chains. As soon as the sun was safely down, they begun to pull the coffin out of the water. When he emerged and they pulled it on the barge, Connor attacked the fastenings with all his strength, helped by Gunn. Once it was open, Cordelia tried to carefully wake him up. He hadn’t fed for a while, so when he awoke, his face changed into game face because of his extreme hunger.

“Here” said Fred, offering him a cup of blood. Connor helped him sit and Cordelia fed him.

When Angel had drunk, he had looked around him and had seen Connor still holding him in a sitting position. They had stared at each other for a while, not knowing what to say.

“You okay, man?” asked Gunn, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“How long?” Angel asked.

“Two weeks” answered Fred.

“I’m sorry,» said Connor quietly.

“I know, son” Angel sighed. “I know.”

The last thing Connor had expected was to be forgiven so easily. At Angel’s offer, Connor had moved back to the Hyperion, where, for a while, they had evolved in an uneasy routine at first. But things were gradually getting better and he had learned a lot. Angel had continued to show him how to fight. Gunn had shown him some streetwise tricks to help him survive in the wild streets of L.A or any other city. Fred had introduced him to the rudiment of computers and book, and he even had made some shopping with Cordelia, who had been craving for that for fifteen years. She may have been in the company of the Powers-that-Be, but she was still a woman.

Of course all of this was too good to be true. He should have known. In the end, he wasn’t really wanted.

The girl sitting next to him chuckled softly and he looked at her, thinking maybe she was laughing at him. But she was visibly lost in her own thoughts, and God was she pretty. He couldn’t help himself but stare at this beautiful girl with bright blue eyes, pink lips and long, luscious brown hair. She was the prettiest girl he had ever seen.

Suddenly, as if realizing she was observed, Dawn turned her head and looked back at him.

“What? What’s wrong?” she asked defensively.” Do I have something on my face?”

Connor smiled, shyly looking at his hands. Cordelia had told him more than once that smile was irresistible.

“No” he said. “You’re pretty, that’s all.”

Ok, how do you want to resist to that? The young girl thought.

And she was feeling that weird attraction. Something in him…not because he was cute. Well, that helped, of course. No, it was something else…something she couldn’t describe.

“What’s your name?” she finally asked.

“Connor”

“Nice to meet you, Connor. I’m Dawn.”

He acquiesced but didn’t add anything.

“Do you…Do you live in L.A” she asked again, trying to make casual conversation.

“Yes. I mean, I did. You?”

“No. I come from Sunnydale. Do you know?”

“I think I heard that name before…but I can’t remember.”

“Oh, it’s normal” she said with a slight smile. “It’s a very boring town”

She was not going to scare him away with stories of vampires, demons and apocalypses. He probably had no idea all those things existed.

They chatted for some time, although about superficial topics. He managed to smile several times, which made Dawn’s heartbeat a little bit faster. But only a little bit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“What are you going to do?” asked Willow, very concerned.

“I wish I knew,” sighed Buffy, taking the plates of their breakfast and putting it in the sink.

“I don’t understand” Willow said, frowning. “I thought they were supposed to take the furniture first, then the house.”

“I thought so too. Here, I get to keep the furniture. Not that it will be very useful without a house. I guess the only option is to sell most of them. But I’ll keep the couch. It will be more comfortable when I’m living under a bridge.”

Willow smiled. If Buffy was still able to joke about this, then things were not as dark as they seemed.

“You can put an ad in the paper. If you want, I can take care of that for you” the redhead offered.

“Thanks. We have two months to leave the house…it’s a chance we’re not kicked out immediately, I guess. But I must admit I don’t know how this things work. Mom always took care of the mortgage and house stuff, then Giles…I should have paid more attention.”

“Well, I guess your mind was preoccupied with other things, and I’m not a stranger to that.”

Buffy smiled.

“Maybe not, but it goes way beyond that. It seems they send me a warning letter weeks ago. Though I never saw the color of it.”

She sighed.

“I still have to tell Dawn.

“I didn’t hear her leaving this morning.”

“Me neither. But I was sound asleep.”

She got up.

“ I have some laundry to do, then I’m going to work.”

“Ok. I’ll get dressed, and then I’ll go check for that ad. And also buy one of those Real Estate papers. You need to start looking for a new place.”

“Yeah, good idea. Thank you, Willow.”

The former witch smiled and left the kitchen. Buffy knew she was trying hard to cope with the aftermath of Tara’s death and her own actions. But something was broken, and although she was going on with her life, she seemed to have switch on ‘No feelings allowed’ mode. Something Buffy could totally rely to, since she had adopted that mode for herself as well. She was working, slaying, taking care of Dawn, showing her how to fight and protect herself…but she was refusing to think further. She was refusing to think that not so long ago, she had felt more alive then ever. She remembered too well the feelings he had awakened. Moments of pleasure, even of happiness sometimes…a feeling of belonging, even if she had denied it very hard.

Why do I keep thinking about him ? she thought, anger rising. He nearly raped me! And here I am, counting the days like he had done for me the year before…and he will probably never come back.

The thought made her nauseous. She shook herself, putting her mind on the safe and boring topic of the laundry.

She got to Dawn’s room first. The curtains were still closed. Buffy noticed the form under the cover.

“Dawn, you forgot to put your alarm clock on again.”

She opened the curtain and daylight filled the room. She turned to the bed.

“Come on, sleepyhead, time to…”

Buffy realized she wasn’t talking to her sister but to a bunch of pillows.

“What the hell…?

She took the cover away. The pillows were put together to give the impression that someone was sleeping underneath.

Confused, Buffy looked around and saw her sister’s schoolbag on the floor. Worry started to fill her. What was Dawn up too? She opened her closet. Some clothes were missing.

“Oh my God…Willow!”

Her friend burst into the room.

“What?”

She noticed the pillows in the bed and Buffy in front of a half empty closet.

“What?” she repeated.

“I think…I think she’s gone,” Buffy said in a blank tone.

She kneeled down, rummaging through the closet floor.

“Her traveling bag is missing.”

“Buffy, what are you talking about? Dawn is gone?”

“Some of her clothes are missing. And why would she put pillows in her bed? I don’t understand, why did she do this?” she said, her voice getting hysterical.

Willow came closer.

“Calm down. Maybe she’s not gone. Maybe she just sneaked out last night and went to school this morning.”

“Her schoolbag’s here.”

“Ok…Well, maybe she took another one.” Willow said, sounding suddenly less convinced.

“I don’t understand.” Buffy repeated. “What…I mean…”

“Buffy…”

Willow touched her friend’ shoulder.

“There’s a letter on her desk.”

Buffy rushed to grab the letter and opened it.

Buffy,

When you find this letter, I’ll probably be far away. I’m sorry, but I had to leave. I realize now what a burden I’ve been for you. And now that we lost the house, I thought you’d be better without me. Try not to worry. I can defend myself, now. I took some money from the Magic Box, it’s probably not the cleverest thing to do but so you know I’ve got some with me. I promise to pay you back someday.

Buffy, please, don’t try to find me. I really need to be on my own, to sort things out. I don’t even know where I’m going yet. Please don’t be mad at me. I love you.

Dawn

Buffy slowly sat on the bed. Willow took the letter and read it quickly.

“I have to find her.” Buffy finally said.

“She’s asking you not to.” Willow pointed.

“How can I not? She’s out there, all alone! And where on earth did she get the idea that she was a burden? And how does she know about the house?”

She suddenly remembered her conversation with Giles the day before. If Dawn overheard me talking about Willow and thought it was about her…

“Oh my God…I have to go find her,” she said again, heading to her own room to get dressed. Willow followed her.

“Buffy…Dawn said it, she’s probably far away by now. You don’t even know where to start.”

“Well, I can’t stay here and do nothing. I’ll go to the bus terminal. She probably took the first bus this morning.”

“Then what? Even if she took the bus to L.A, once there she can take another bus to anywhere in the country!”

That seemed to stop Buffy for a second, but she finally resumed dressing.

“I have to do something, Willow. I can’t be here and pretend that it’s fine that Dawn left.”

“Alright. Go to the bus terminal. I’ll go see for that ad. Let’s meet here in one hour, ok?”

“Ok.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Yeah, I remember her,” said one of the clerks at the terminal. “She took the first bus to L.A.”

“Thanks.” Buffy said.

She sat down on a bench, not knowing what to do next. She let a sob escape but refrained herself from crying. All this had been a big misunderstanding. Why hadn’t Dawn come to talk to her? She would have explain, tell her she was not a burden, that Buffy needed her little sister beside her…

She got up and headed back to Revello Drive.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Willow arrived a few minutes after her.

“The ad will be in the paper day after tomorrow,” she said. “Any luck?”

“No. You were right, of course. She took a bus to L.A. Now the question is, did she stay there or took another bus?”

“If she really want to run away, she won’t stay in L.A.”

“It’s big. She can hide anywhere.”

“She could. That’s why I’ll call Cordelia, to let them know. Just in case.”

Buffy put her face in her hands. Willow hugged her.

“Buffy, I know this is probably a stupid thing to say, but try not to worry. Dawn said it herself. And you were the same age when you ran away, remember?”

“Yes, but that was different. I’m the Slayer.”

“And she’s not a baby anymore. She knows what’s out there. She fought beside you. And if there’s anything, she’ll call. Or she’ll take the first bus back to Sunnydale.”

Willow’s word calmed Buffy a little bit. She smiled sadly.

“I have to go to work. Maybe I can call and tell them I’m sick.”

Willow shook her head.

“What for? You need the money, Buffy, especially now. You can’t afford to lose this job.” Willow said wisely.

Buffy sighed.

“I know. Thanks for your help, Will.”

“It’s the least I can do. And it helps me too. To get rid of the guilt,” she added, half-joking. “ Go now, or you’ll be late.”

Buffy went to her bedroom to get change. She paused a moment in front of her closet, watching the black leather coat still hanging there, as if it were waiting.

“Spike…” she whispered, saying his name out loud for the first time in weeks. “I really need you right now. Can’t you feel it, wherever you are?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Willow dialed the Hyperion’s number.

“Hi, you’ve reached Angel Investigations. We’re not in for the moment, but please leave a message and we’ll get back to you.”

Surprised that no one was there, Willow let a message for Cordelia, asking her to call her back urgently. But the redhead didn’t thought it would help much. If Dawn didn’t want to be found…

Why did you run away like that, Dawnie ? Willow thought. And where are you now ?

~*~ CHAPTER 2 – Questions ~*~

When Angel woke up, later that afternoon, he was surprised to find Connor’s room empty. Almost every day, when he woke up, he would find Connor in his room, reading one of the books he had given him when he had first moved in. They would sit and talk for a while, and then go train until the sun was down before grabbing something to eat and go help the helpless.

Angel looked for Connor in every room and then went downstairs in the training room. His son was nowhere to be found.

Angel went to the lobby where the others were talking leisurely.

“Have you guys seen Connor?” he asked, somewhat agitated.

“No” answered Fred.

“Isn’t he upstairs?” Cordelia asked.

“No, and not in the training room either”.

“Don’t worry, man. The kid probably went out shopping or something. Cordelia gave him the virus,» Gunn said with a smile, attracting a glare from the half-demon girl.

“Yes, or maybe he went to buy some books,” added Fred.

“I don’t know,” said Angel, still worried. “For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Don’t worry, Angel,” said Cordelia gently, walking towards him. “If he was in danger, the Powers would probably warn me.”

Angel knew it was probably true but the uneasy feeling didn’t go away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“It’s been 24 hours,” Angel said the next afternoon. “Something happened to him.”

Fred, Gunn and Cordelia looked at him in silence. They all knew Angel was right. It was not like Connor to disappear for that long. Actually, since the ‘coffin incident’, it was not like Connor to disappear at all.

“We have to look for him. Cordelia, you stay here in case he shows up. Fred, Gunn, get on the streets and check out the usual places we hang out.”

“And you? What are you going to do?” Gunn asked.

“Pay a visit to our friends at Wolfram & Hart.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It had been a very long day and Gavin was definitely getting on Lilah’s nerves. He was so vain, barely competent, she was surprised he hadn’t been fired yet.

Distracted, Lilah walked to her car in the underground garage. She was pushing the button to disengage the alarm when someone grabbed her and slammed her against the car. She dropped the key set and the file she was holding in her hand.

“Angel.” She said in a casual tone, like he had politely greeted her instead of strongly holding her by the throat.

“Where is he?” Angel asked through clenched teeth.

“Who?” Lilah’s tone was clearly indifferent, almost bored.

“You know who.”

“Actually, I don’t.”

“My son” hissed Angel.

Lilah raised an amused eyebrow.

“What? Did Junior disappear?”

“Where did you take him?”

“Believe me, as much as I would like to claim credit for that, I have absolutely no idea where your son is.

Angel watched her closely for a few second, before releasing her. His guts told him she was telling the truth.

“If I hear that you have anything to do with his disappearance, I will hunt you down. You tried with Cordelia, don’t even start to think about this with Connor” he said for good measure.

Without waiting for her reply, he left. He had a lot of places to search for his son.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Angel Investigations, we help the helpless.”

“Cordelia? It’s Willow.”

“Willow, hi! I just got your message and wanted to call you back. We’ve been kind of busy, here.”

“It’s ok. How have you been?”

“Good. Somewhere in another dimension…again. Long story. What about you? And Tara?”

There was a silence.

“Tara’s dead. She’s been shot a few months ago.”

“Oh, Willow, I’m so sorry! I knew how much you loved her. Things aren’t going too well here either.”

“Well, things got pretty ugly in Sunnydale too, partly because of me. It took some time for us to recover. But it’s better now. Sort of. That’s why I called you.”

“How can I help you?”

“Dawn has left. Yesterday. We don’t know exactly what happened, but she took her bag, and left Buffy a letter.”

“You must be kidding. Connor did exactly the same thing. Only he didn’t leave a note. Angel thought it was the evil law firm we’re fighting who kidnapped him, but I’m more and more convinced he ran off.”

“Wow, Cordelia, hold on a minute. What do you mean, Connor ran off? Isn’t he supposed to be a baby?”

“Oh, that’s right. You don’t know. Well…”

Cordelia proceeded to tell the whole story to Willow.

“I can see that life in Los Angeles is far from boring” Willow said.

“It’s not really a change of scene from Sunnydale, that’s for sure.”

“It’s a good thing Connor and Dawn don’t know each other, otherwise I would think they ran off together. Anyway, we know now that Dawn took the bus to L.A, so I just wanted to let you know, just in case.”

“You did well. Gunn and Fred are going to the bus terminal, so I’ll ask them to ask for Dawn as well.”

“Thank you Cordy. We’ll stay in touch. Say hi to Angel for me.”

“Sure. Bye.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The last two days had flown by so fast, Connor could not believe the bus was now pulling at the Seattle bus station. He didn’t want to be there just yet, he didn’t want to leave behind the wonderful brunette sitting next to him.

“I guess this is our destination,» said Dawn with a very serious lack of enthusiasm.

She didn’t know where Connor was heading to. Like her, when she had asked, he had been very vague. But the thing she knew is that she didn’t want to be parted from him. She really liked his company. He was easy going, rough around the edge but incredibly sensitive and gentle. Dawn was sure he didn’t have an easy childhood because of his apparent toughness, but she could also perceive the tenderness of his heart. Wow, she thought, and all of this in two days. Talk about me having a major crush, here.

Sadly, she looked at him.

“This is where we part.” she said quietly, standing up.

NO ! yelled Connor’s mind.

He didn’t want her to leave, he didn’t want to be alone again. She was so nice, she felt so right. She hadn’t judged him, just accepted him for what he was, even if he had only showed her a part of himself. His heart was craving her presence, his soul was crying her departure.

Reluctantly, he stood up as well and they got out of the bus, grabbing their bags on the way. Once inside the bus terminal, she turned to him.

“We had a great time. I really wish to see you again soon,” she said with stings in her eyes. “ I’ve got to go. Take care of yourself.”

“You too.” he said, his pain matching her own.

Without adding a word, Dawn turned around and left.

Connor looked at her with his heart ready to burst. He couldn’t let her go like that, he didn’t know how to reach her. Then he remembered all the ugliness that the big city streets could hide, and he got scared for his brunette’ safety. In a second, his decision was made. He would follow her discreetly, to make sure she would be safe. He had nothing else better to do anyway.

He followed her for a good part of the afternoon and soon came to the realization that she didn’t have any place to go, that she didn’t have anybody to visit. She was just wandering along the streets, going from one shabby motel to another, obviously looking for a place to stay. As the evening approached and the sun began to disappear behind the buildings, Dawn was making her way in a more unfriendly part of town and Connor began to seriously fear for her safety. Gunn had shown him how to detect drug dealers, addicts, pimps and prostitutes, and Connor could see signs of all of them in the early evening lights. And some of these people, pimps in particular, were beginning to pay more and more attention to the now jumpy Dawn.

“Hey Sweetie,” a white man said gently approaching her.

He was in his early forties, and at first sight, looked rather nice.

“What are you doing here by yourself, at this hour? You know, it’s really not safe around here for a young woman like you.”

Dawn looked at him frowning, taking a step back when he came too close. He seemed nice and genuinely concerned, but Dawn knew better. This guy was dangerous. She ignored him and tried to walk around, but he grabbed her arm.

“You sure you don’t want me to give you a ride?” the man heavily insist.

“Dawn!” said Connor, appearing suddenly from nowhere. “There you are!”

Relief washed over the terrified girl when she saw Connor. Smiling, he took her bag from her shoulder and put it on his.

“I’ve been looking all over for you,» he said smiling, although the smile never reached his eyes. “Mom should have given you better instructions.”

He took her arm and they began to walk away. The pimp didn’t insist.

As soon as they had turned the corner, Dawn stooped and looked at Connor, not sure if she should be happy or upset that he was there, that he had so obviously followed her.

“You followed me.” She said in a neutral tone, her pride almost getting the better of her and fueling her anger.

“Yes, I did.” he answered quietly.

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want anything to happen to you,» he answered.

Connor was now relieved and immensely happy he had made that decision, but he kept from telling her that.

“You don’t have anywhere to go, do you?” he asked gently.

“What about you?” she defensively asked back, without answering his question.

“Me neither.” he answered shortly, her aggressiveness starting to get on his nerves. “I ran away," he admitted.

Her eyes softened at his admission.

“I did too.” She said shyly.

“Do you have any idea what to do?” Connor asked.

Dawn shook her head negatively.

“Do you want me to stay with you?”

He was pretending he would do it as a favor…only he was probably the one who wanted to stay with her.

“Ok. But only for tonight.” she added defensively.

He grinned, the same grin he had made in the bus when she had said something amusing.

“Right. Any idea where we could go?”

He had been shown how to recognize any crook in a city but not really how to find lodging.

“I have an idea but my money is pretty limited.” Dawn said.

“I have some. We can share.”

She smiled at him and they walked back down the street, towards one of the motels she had visited earlier.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The room was small and smelled of cigarettes. It was far from being luxurious but at least the bed and the bathroom were relatively clean. They were back from getting a quick dinner at a small diner, not far from the motel, and Dawn was now looking through a newspaper she had been given at the restaurant.

“What are you looking for?” asked Connor, intrigued.

“For a place to stay.” she answered without taking her eyes off the paper. We can’t stay here too long, because we’ll run out of money too fast.”

We. She had said ‘we’. So she wanted them to stay together. Connor’s heart swelled with unrestrained happiness at the thought that he was going to spend some more time with her.

Grinning like an idiot, he emptied his pockets and put all the money he had in his possession on the table.

urprised, Dawn looked at him.

“What is that for?”

“Well, I guess it would be a good thing to know how long we can live with what we have.”

Dawn smiled and went to her bag to retrieve her money.

Connor still had some problems grasping the value of things, especially since everything he had needed had been provided to him, whether he had been with Holtz, Justine or Angel, and he had no idea how much most of things cost. He knew he had about 400 $, but he had no idea how long that would last him.

Dawn sat back at the table and began to count how much they had.

“We have about 726 $,” she finally said. “It’s not a lot but it can last us for a little over a month if we are careful.”

Connor nodded his approval. Not that he had any real opinion, anyway.

“But we have to find a place to stay other than here, because at 25 $ a day, we won’t last three weeks, and we still have to eat.” She said, putting her attention back to the newspaper.

“Is there…is there something I can do?” Connor asked somewhat uncomfortable.

He had offered to be polite but since he didn’t really know what to do, he hoped she would say no.

“Yes,” she said, looking up and smiling at him. “Can you find a safe place to hide all this?” she asked, showing the money.

Relieved, he smiled at her. That, he knew how to do. Afterwards, he came back and sat in front of her, just for the pleasure of watching her concentrate. She was chewing her bottom lip and he found that incredibly cute and sexy. She suddenly raised her head and he quickly looked elsewhere. That paint on the wall was really fascinating.

“I’ve got some places that look ok, but we need a map.”

“Do you want to go and get one now?” asked Connor, looking at the darkness outside.

“No,” she answered, yawning. “Tomorrow will be fine. Now, I just want to shower and go to bed.”

She stood up, took her bag and locked herself in the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later she walked out dressed with a big t-shirt and leggings.

She found Connor standing there, next to the door, completely naked, waiting for his turn for the shower. When she saw his uncovered manhood, Dawn blushed furiously and looked away, embarrassed.

“You - You c-can go n-now,” she said. “I…I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Please don’t,” Connor said. “The bed is big enough for both of us” he added innocently.

Dawn was not sure if she should be scared or amused by his comment, and his obvious innocence. But one thing she knew for sure, she didn’t want to have sex for the moment, with him or any other guy. She was still a virgin and had every intention to stay that way until she felt ready. And if he thought for a minute she would be willing to let him…

“Don’t worry,” he said hastily, like he had perceived what was going on in her mind “ I’m not going to hurt you.”

Connor walked rapidly into the bathroom and closed the door to hide his confusion, as well as an uncomfortable reaction growing in his groin.

He didn’t understand her uncertainty and fear when at his suggestion they shared the bed. She didn’t seem afraid to share a hotel room and stay alone with him, but the idea of sharing a bed had made her clearly uncomfortable. He really didn’t want to hurt her, and he had said so. He hoped that it was enough to make her comfortable again.

He walked out of the shower, remembering a conversation he had had with Gunn a few weeks ago.

“Why are pimps dangerous?” he had asked the black man.

“Because they make woman have sex for money.”

“Sex?”

“Yes, you know, ‘sex’ “ Gunn had said, punctuating the last word with a synchronized movement of his hips and arms.

Connor had frowned at him, totally at loss for what Gunn was referring to.

“Don’t tell me you don’t know what sex is? Didn’t people had sex on Quortoth?”

“It’s a Hell dimension.”

“Right. Guess that’s not their number one priority, then. Boy, how am I going to explain this…Ok, sex is what happens when a man is with a woman and use this” he said, pointing to Connor’s groin.

Connor had remembered waking up a few mornings with this part oh his body erected. He had found out he could get some form of pleasure by touching himself.

“And they use it when they are together?” he had asked, not really understanding how it was done.

“Yes” Gunn had answered, moving from one foot to the other.

“But women don’t like it.” Connor assumed, remembering how Gunn had referred to those having sex for money.

“They do, but not always, no,” Gunn had answered sadly, as if remembering some unhappy event from his past.

“You see, for a woman to enjoy it, she needs to do it because she wants to. There are a lot of men in this world that would have sex with women even if they don’t want it and that really hurts them…the women, I mean. It’s illegal and called rape.”

“What about the women having sex for money? Is it rape?”

“No, that’s prostitution. But it’s illegal too.”

“Then why do the women do it if they don’t like it?”

“It’s complicated, I know. See, most women who are prostitute don’t do it because they want to. They do it because they need money. They are generally drug addicts, or they ran away, and prostitution is an ‘easy’ way to get money. So it doesn’t hurt them to have sex, but, in the long run, it hurts them mentally.”

Connor had kept quiet for a few seconds, absorbing the informations.

“And the pimps in all that?” he had asked.

“Pimps are like vultures. They feed on the weaknesses of people. Most of the time, they will spot a run away girl, be very nice to them for a while, get them on drugs and then put them on the street.”

Connor had found all this very awful. All the demons and hell creatures he had fought on Quortoth didn’t seem that bad compare to some humans and what they were capable of. He didn’t understand the specifics of ‘having sex’ entirely yet, but he knew for sure he didn’t want to do it with a woman not willing to do it.

He was not sure but Connor assumed that was what Dawn was afraid of. Gunn had also explained to him that most people had sex in their bedroom while supposedly laying on a bed, so Dawn had probably associated his bed-sharing proposition with that.

The other thing that confused him greatly was the fact that his…thing had begun to erect while he was talking to Dawn about sharing the bed. All of a sudden, he had wanted her hand to touch him. The thought of her hand on him made him become rock hard and he gasped with an incredible want to get a release. He brought his hand to his hardness and began to move it back and forth, closing his eyes, the picture of Dawn’s face in his mind. He soon found his climax. Rapidly, he washed himself again and rinsed the shower to erase any evidence of his activity.

Most of the time, he would sleep naked, but considering what had just happened it was probably a very bad idea. He still felt a discomfort in his groin and didn’t want Dawn to see him if he got erected again. He took the towel and wrapped it around his waist. Once he was done, he turned the bathroom light off and opened the door.

Dawn was already lying on one side of the bed and shot him a nervous glance. He walked to his bag and grabbed a pair of boxers and put them on. He walked to the bed and laid next to her, pulling the blanket over. He closed his eyes.

A few seconds later, he opened his eyes again and looked at the young woman next to him. She had her eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling.

“Dawn, are you ok?” he asked gently. “If you prefer I sleep on the floor, it’s fine.”

She turned her head and looked at him. His offer had visibly relaxed the tension in her body.

“No, that’s okay,” she answered, smiling. “I’ll be fine.”

That took Connor by surprise. He had totally expected her to accept his offer when he had seen the tension leave her body but no, she had said he could stay. He frowned at the contradiction and wondered if he would ever understand her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was barely dawn when Connor woke up the morning after. Something had awakened him but he didn’t know what. He turned to Dawn. She was still sleeping but her sleep seemed turmoiled. Her face was contorted in an expression of pain and fear.

“No…” she said, moving her head from side to side, “Don’t! Buffy, no!”

Gently, Connor shook her to wake her up. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” she answered defensively, “I’m alright.”

Since Willow’s episode with black magic, since she had been held prisoner in the hole in the ground with Buffy, Dawn had had nightmares. She kept dreaming that the demons hadn’t disappeared and had overwhelmed Buffy, hurting her and sometimes even killing her. That was her biggest fear that Buffy died again. Even if they were not together anymore, Dawn knew Buffy was out there somewhere. That if it was necessary she could get on the first bus back to Sunnydale. But she wouldn’t. She had made the decision to leave and to learn how to live on her own.

She hadn’t told anyone about her nightmares, she hadn’t wanted them to worry. Since she hadn’t had them in the past weeks, she had assumed they were gone. Obviously, she was mistaken.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor asked again.

Oh yes, she did, but she wasn’t ready to show him her weaknesses.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

She sat and looked around, chasing the sleep away from her eyes with her fists.

“Are you hungry?” she asked him. “We have a long day, today, so we might as well get an early start.”

Without answering, Connor followed her suggestion. He sat on the bed, gathered his clothes and began to dress up. Dawn took her bag and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later, she walked out, all dressed and her hair tied up.

“Ready?” she asked Connor.

Connor nodded and followed her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After a quick breakfast at Dunkin’Donuts, Connor and Dawn bought a map and started visiting apartments. Most places were pretty run down and they were now visiting their fifth place. That apartment was very small with only one room that contained the kitchen, a kitchen table and the bed, and a small bathroom with a tub and shower. At least the water was running and sometimes hot. The apartment as a whole was not very clean but it was better than anything else they had visited today.

“I ain’t asking a lot for it, but it’s a neat little place, let me tell you.” said the owner.

Dawn definitely didn’t like the way that guy was looking at her and stood closer to Connor. He was giving her the creeps with his fat belly, greasy hair and stinky cigar. And he was looking at her as if she was a naked piece of meat.

“We’ll take it," she said nonetheless. She didn’t like the landlord but the apartment was the best one they had seen so far.

“Well, lil’ lady, if you want it, you got to pay the first month’s rent now.” said the landlord with a subjective smile.

“No problem,” Dawn said with all appearances of confidence. “If you give us half an hour, we’ll bring it to you.”

The landlord frowned, apparently not convinced and Dawn showed him the best smile she could give. That did the trick.

“Alright,” said the landlord. I’m in apt. #12. I’ll give you the key when you bring me the money.”

The landlord left leaving the door open behind him. Dawn went to close the door and turned to Connor. He was looking around, not sure what to do.

“What do you think?” she asked.

Connor shrugged. This looked like a palace compare to a lot of places he had stayed when he was on Quortoth.

“It needs a lot of cleaning but it is way better than what we saw this morning.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

That night, when they went to bed, they had scrubbed the bathroom, washed the floor, the cabinet, the fridge and the dishes. They had also been to the Laundromat and had washed all the sheets, the comforter and the towels. But despite that, the sheets remained disgusting and stained and Dawn didn’t want to sleep in them. The mattress was horribly stained as well, and Dawn had no desire to sleep one sheet away from it. Even if she didn’t have anything to cover herself with, she laid on the comforter and tried to go to sleep.

Puzzled, Connor looked at her. He didn’t understand why she wouldn’t sleep under the sheets. He had seen so much worse, but he guessed it was probably not her case. But they had washed everything, so…

With a sigh, he wondered again about the mystery girl lying beside him.

~*~Chapter 3 – Realities ~*~

Cordelia found Angel alone in the lobby. He was busy with some papers, trying to put his mind on something else for a moment. He heard her coming and gave her a sweet smile.

“How are you?” she asked.

He shrugged.

“I don’t know…sad, I guess. Once more he chose not to trust me and leave…”

“So you think he left on his own?”

“What else could it be? He took most of his stuff…I think Lilah was telling the truth, for once. Wolfram and Hart is not involved, this time.”

“Oh, which reminds me…you know what’s funny? Ok, maybe not funny…Buffy’s sister, Dawn, she left too. A few days ago.”

By saying so, Cordy studied Angel’s face, watching his reaction at Buffy’s name. But he didn’t flinch.

“I guess it must not be easy for her to raise a teenager all by herself.” He simply said.

“Where are Gunn and Fred?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I sent them home. If there is something, I’ll call them. You can go home too, if you want.”

“And leave you all alone in that brooding mood of yours? No chance, mister.”

He smiled, secretly relieved. They hadn’t had a chance to be completely alone since their return.

“Cordelia?”

“Mmm?”

She was at her desk now, putting some of her papers in order.

“We never talked…about that night.”

There was a moment of silence. She got up slowly.

“Oh. That’s right.”

She came closer, watching him in the eyes.

“Do we really need to?”

Boldly, she slipped in his arms, and he closed them around her.

“I love you, Angel,” she whispered softly.

He closed his eyes. If this was not perfect happiness, it was dangerously close to it.

“I love you too, Cordy.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Three days had passed since Dawn’s departure. Buffy wasn’t working that night, so she had plenty of time to think of how much she was a big failure. Her whole life was a big failure. Everything was a disaster. She couldn’t even raise her younger sister correctly. Obviously, Dawn had thought that leaving was a better option than staying with her. Well, Buffy thought bitterly, isn’t it what everybody’s doing? Leaving? Even the only vamp…guy who was really worth it had left.

Sighing, Buffy went in the kitchen but was not really in the mood to eat.

The doorbell rang. Buffy wasn’t expecting anyone. Had Dawn changed her mind, maybe? she wondered with hope, running to the door and opening it.

It wasn’t Dawn.

“Oh…” she whispered.

Spike was standing in front of her.

The first thing she noticed was the maelstrom of emotions visible on his face. Expectations, hope, love. Emotions that, she realized, were probably matching her own.

“Good evening, Buffy.” He said in a hoarse voice.

“Spike…”

“I…uh…can I come in?”

That seemed to wake her up. She opened the door wider and stepped aside.

“Of course. I…I never did a de-invitation spell.” She added, not knowing why.

That pleased him. So he was not unwelcome. For the moment.

“Are you alone?” he asked.

“Yes. Willow’s studying and Dawn is…elsewhere.”

Her heart was beating furiously. All the feelings she had denied and tried to forget were coming back all at once like a huge wave. Why did he come back? she wondered.

Why did I come back? he wondered, realizing how painful and wonderful it was to see her again.

“How are you?” he asked, also noticing her paleness and the blue lines under her eyes. She looked tired and worn.

“I’m fine. You?”

“Good…good.”

There was an awkward silence. He had decided not to stay. He just wanted to say a proper good-bye to Dawn…and to see Buffy one last time. So he didn’t want to tell her, for his soul. It wouldn’t change anything, after all.

Buffy was studying her hands. Because when she was looking at him, she didn’t know what to choose between rushing in his arms and yelling at him for leaving her. Neither of the solutions were a good idea anyway.

“How are the Scooby’s?” he asked, surprised that she was all alone. That house was always so full of life. Now it was quiet, but in a creepy way.

“Willow’s fine. She’s going back to UC Sunnydale, which is a good thing. She needs to get her life back to normal after what happened.”

“What happened?”

“You don’t know…? Oh, that’s right, you had already left.” She said, and was that accusation in her voice?

“Where to start?” she continued with a sad smile. “ Tara is dead. Warren shot her.”

“What?”

Spike felt a pinch in his stomach. Tara? Dead? The most kind and gentle and sweetest girl he had ever met? Sadness filled him, and he knew it had nothing to do with his new soul. He had always liked the witch.

“How come…? What happened?”

“He came here with a gun, with the clear intention of killing me. One of the bullets hit Tara as well.”

“As well? You mean you were shot too?”

“Yeah…but I didn’t die, because you know…been there, done that.” she said with a self-mocking smile.

“The bloody bastard…I hope he paid for this.”

“Oh, he did, believe me. Willow took care of him. She tortured him before peeling his skin off. Then she tried to destroy the world. But, as you can see, she failed.”

“Willow…Red did all that?”

Buffy acquiesced.

“Magic got the best of her in the end.”

“Yeah…magic and its consequences…I had warned Xander about that. Did Anya and him make up?”

“No. She left for England with Giles. Xander got a job in San Francisco.”

“Oh. So it’s only you, Willow and the Nibblet.”

“Y..Yes.”

Another silence. Finally, Buffy asked:

“Why did you come back, Spike?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not staying,” he said, taking her question the wrong way.

“You’re not staying?”

“No,” he said, not noticing she had paled a little bit more. “I just came back to say goodbye to Dawn…and I needed…”

He paused, sighing, looking for his words.

“If you want to apologize, don’t bother,” she said in a cold voice.

He was not staying. He was leaving. He was leaving her, again.

Surprised by her sudden harshness, he stuttered:

“O..Ok. Can you tell Dawn…?”

“I will.” She said, not looking at him. Finally she met his eyes.

“Are you done?”

Taken aback at first, Spike recovered. Well, if she wanted to act like a cold bitch, it would make things much simpler.

“Actually, no. Is my duster still here?”

His duster. Of course. That’s the only reasons why he had come back. Dawn and his duster.

“I burned it,” she said, without thinking, then regretting it the minute after she saw his face. He looked like she had punched him in the guts.

“I see. I guess I’d better go, then.”

“Good idea.”

“That’s too bad, you know,” he said, not resisting getting on her nerves some more, “ we could have make a nice couple.”

“No we couldn’t. Because you left, like the others.”

“Yeah, well, Slayer, maybe you should start considering why all those men are leaving you. Maybe you are the problem. Did you ever think about that? There’s something wrong with you, and I bloody know what I’m talking about!” he said, closing the door violently behind him.

Shocked, Buffy slowly sat on the couch. He was right. And she had done it again. She had chased him away again with her coldness and her bitchy manners.

And this time, he would not come back.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Spike stopped his bike at the cemetery entrance. What a bloody stupid idea I had to come back, he thought, rage and pain filling his heart.

What did I ever see in her? She’s just a cold frigid bitch who can’t see a good thing…and why did she look so tired? he wondered, his love and concern getting the upper hand as usual.

Bollocks, he went to Africa and got a soul! But you didn’t do it entirely for her, a little voice in his head said. You did it for you as well.

After travelling for some time, he had decided to come back one last time to Sunnydale. To see Dawn and Buffy. But staying would be too painful. She would never love him back. Especially after that ugly scene in the bathroom. But he didn’t want to leave knowing she hated him. He wanted to talk to her one last time. He should have known it couldn’t turn out the way he wanted.

He picked some flowers and headed to Joyce’s grave.

“Hey Joyce…just wanted to say goodbye. Don’t think I’ll be back soon in this soddin’ town…Nobody wants me here, anyway.”

He chuckled.

“Listen to me, I sound like the poofter. Must be the soul. Cause I’ve got a brand new one, shiny and all…I think. Got it for Buffy, and, well, for me. But she doesn’t love me.” He said, not knowing he was echoing Riley’s words of two years ago.

He kneeled down.

“So,