CoF - Chosen My Ass by OhGodSpike!

AUTHOR: OhGodSpike!
EMAIL: pettygrl@pacbell.net
RATING: R for language
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike
SETTING: S7 - Chosen - end of episode.
DISCLAMER : I own nothing; and I mean NOTHING.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm a B/S shipper all the way. I can hardly stand to see Spike with anyone but Buffy, except maybe Drusilla. And yet, sometimes I don't even like Buffy at all, mostly cause she was always so mean to Spike. But then I see certain episodes, and I realize that she really did get screwed over a LOT. Like Becoming, Dead Man's Party, or End Of Days or Lies My Father Told Me or Xander always being such a superior judgmental asshole!!! Plus this is my first fic and I am dealing with some intense anger and pain issues of my own so I figured maybe this would help!
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I am silent, a slight smile curving up at one side of my mouth; looking out at the crater that was Sunnyhell; the final resting place of my vampire, my champion. Spike. He had done it. God he had done it.!!. He became! Effulgent! She remembers their hands burning. She loved him. She did. He didn't believe her, and why would he? But he had done it; become the good man she knew was there - the one she told Giles about. Better than good. Spike fucking saved the world! What a man! I loved him. Another lover I sent to hell.

I turn to them; calmly. I think it's probably pretty lucky for them and for me that I'm still stunned, the shock just beginning to set in.

"Do you think I have forgotten? Forgotten how you all turned on me? Every single one of you; my own sister; my best friends, my watcher; Faith my sister in slayerhood; the principal? You put me out of my own house."

"Do you even know how I found that scythe? It was Spike! Spike that found me that night you put me out of my home. He told me that I was right all along - he told me that in 125 years of his life, that he was sure of only one thing and that thing was ME. He told me I was the one. He told me that I could get you all back!! He held me all through the night and poured his strength and love into me. But because of the mission, I left him there. And I came back to you all with the scythe, because it was my job to save the world; AGAIN."

"You people - you were EVERYTHING to me - you were my family. And yet you have fucked me over so many times I can't even count them. I don't understand it. I just don't!"

The friends stood stock-still - they looked like what Spike called "gob smacked". Stupid mouths hanging open, eyes wide, blinking rapidly. They were really so fucking clueless, weren't they? How the fuck had I been so fucking blind for so long? Story of my life - day late and a dollar short.

I went on: "Let's start with the most horrible betrayal of all - my wonderful friends pulled me out of heaven and then proceeded to pretend that none of it had happened. Just expecting me to pick up where I left off, and take the load of fighting that evil off of your backs. I was left on my own and had to work at a fast food joint for fucks sake!!! The Slayer!!! Not one of you cared enough to see how much pain I was in, and I tried to keep it from you so you wouldn't feel guilty!! God what a hoot!! I was ripped out of heaven and I was worried about YOUR feelings! I was the fucking living dead for so long, and none of you even noticed; well of course, nobody important; nobody that really MATTERED, ya know, - except for SPIKE!!!"

"But worse than what you did to me by messing around with the dark magics is that you actually managed to completely fuck with the slayer line and bring about this whole apocalypse! Way to go Scoobs! Brilliant! Fortunately, thanks to Spike, and my idea, we were able to turn it around to save the day!"

"Xander, didn't Spike tell you the night you brought me home to Hell that there were always consequences with magic? Yeah, he told me all about it. And Willow - God! you were always just too confident in your abilities to even consider that there WOULD be any consequences. And if there were, well you'd just use more magic to fix it all up! No biggie, right?"

"Remember when I had to kill Angel and send him to Hell? His soul was returned to him at the last minute. I had to send him to Hell with his soul!! Xander never gave me your message Will - he told me you said to kick Angel's ass. Nobody has ever mentioned this again. Nobody has ever told me they were sorry. Do you people even have any feelings? What kind of people are you, that you can just pretend these things never happened and go on pretending?"

"And when I came back from LA to my great welcome home party? God Willow and Xander, you were horrible to me. Trying to make ME feel bad; ganging up on me in front of all those people - strangers you invited to my house! Did you REMEMBER that I had just recently killed my lover and sent him to Hell with his soul, and that I couldn't come back home because my mom found out I was the Slayer and couldn't deal and told me if I left the house I couldn't come back? But I HAD to leave the house because I had to save the world AGAIN. Oh yeah, and don't forget that little minor annoyance of Snyder expelling me. So after I sent Angel to Hell, I went to LA alone, and stayed alone and worked at a crappy diner until I finally realized I should come home. And what do you do but give me grief because……what?? I wasn't thinking of you and considering how bad YOU were feeling the whole time? WHAT? What the fuck is it anyway? What the fuck did you expect from me?" Why did you feel entitled to impose your wills on me?"

"I guess, even now, I'm still an insecure little girl underneath the Slayer. I thought I needed my friends. I really wanted to be that normal girl. What an idiot I was all that time, being afraid of what my friends would think, instead of taking what happiness I could find. Maybe I would have been better off being like the first slayer - alone, absolute, isolated, friendless. Then at least I wouldn't have been ripped to shreds in so many ways, so many times, by the people I loved."

"It was always so easy for you to judge me. You didn't have to live with the certainty that you were going to have a very short, violent life, and an even more violent death; that you would most probably not live to be 20. It was always so easy for you to be superior about knowing what was best for ME, as in, for example….BAD AND WRONG FOR ME TO BE WITH SPIKE! I could have been so happy with Spike a long time ago, but my own stupid fears of what you all would think, and the way you always treated him, held me back."

"Jesus fucking Christ!!! I'm the SLAYER!! Why was I such a fucking pathetic, wussy wimp that needed approval from the likes of you!?"

"And Giles!! You - you were my watcher and the closest thing to a father I had, and yet you hurt me so deeply - and more than once! Of course, we can never forget my eighteenth birthday fiasco - when you drugged me without my knowledge and pretended not to know what was wrong with me. You made me lose my powers and allowed my mother to be taken by an insane vampire and made me have to fight him without my powers. My watcher did this to me! And then you left me - when I needed you more than any fucking thing in the word - trying to what? FORCE me into growing up??? Jesus fucking Christ Giles - I had already seen and done more than any 100 people - I think I was as grown up as I could get by the time I was 16!!! You left me! When you knew how hard I was struggling after they used those magics to bring me back. And then you willingly collaborated with Robin, knowing that to him it was a personal vendetta, and thinking that you knew what was best for me and for the mission. You tried to kill Spike. I'm the Slayer Giles! I'm the General. You weren't supposed to go behind my back like that and make that decision. You were supposed to believe in me, guide me, train me and watch my back. Instead, you conspired to deprive me of the one person that could bring me happiness; and the one person who ALWAYS had my back, even when I didn't want it or deserve it! Lucky for you that your little plan failed, or believe me, you would NOT be standing here Giles."

"Oh yeah and let's not forget your fucking council. All those doddering old fuddy duddys. They all lived in luxury -so far removed from the world that I have to live in. They never paid me one red cent during all the years I was working to save the world and keep their asses alive and giving their pitiful existence some meaning. But they surely paid you, didn't they Giles? Why is it that you never thought to ask them to pay me; especially after Mom died and you knew how hard I was struggling for money? I was the Slayer; the one girl in all the world! But I guess I wasn't worth shit to the council of wankers! It was just another way for those assholes to control me and make themselves feel all manly at the same time!

"Which by the way, gang, that's another thing - money. You always congregated at my house - Scooby central huh? Did any one of you EVER contribute anything financially or materially during all of those meetings and parties, not to mention Willow living there and not paying any rent. Where the fuck are your brains people - seriously - did you ever, EVER think? How do you suppose I could afford to feed you guys all the time? Didn't you ever wonder where I got the money? I guess you didn't think, huh? How have you all survived for so long without your brains?? Oh yeah, that's RIGHT - I KEPT SAVING YOUR ASSES, didn't I?"

"What do I want to do? I'll tell you what I'm GOING to do. I'm going to get the Hell out of this HELLHOLE and try to start living for myself. BY MYSELF. I'm GONE people - ALONE. You can do whatever the Hell you want. I don't want to see any of you for a good long while, if ever, and that includes YOU Dawn! You whiny, pathetic useless little bitch. I fucking DIED for you for Christ's' sake!!! You're not even really my sister! And you turned me out of my own home!!"

"If you guys decide to keep on being all noble and saving the world and training all the new slayers that are awakening all over the world right now, I may decide to help you IF I feel like it. I guess I'll always be a white hat at heart - it's part of me. I don't think I could ever be one of the bad guys. But shit!, that's not to say that maybe I won't take some time to raise a little hell of my own, now that I'm not the only Slayer anymore."

"But I'LL be the one to contact YOU - when I feel like it. Don't come looking for me; don't follow me and don't bug me. Stay the fuck away from me. And don't even THINK about doing any magic on me, or you will be so very, very sorry."

"I'm going to go someplace where I can take the time and mourn the loss of my young life and my death and my resurrection again, and I'm going to mourn a LOT for Spike; mourn us like we BOTH deserve. MY Spike - who loved me so much that he got a soul for me; to be WORTHY of me, for fucks' sake, even as it drove him insane. Who understood with perfect clarity who I am. Who loved ALL of me and never really expected anything in return. And the poor guy never got much in return, either. And I never got the time to be with him. I only just told him I loved him for the first time as he was being consumed by the fire. "

"Spike was such a better person than any of you. And you know what? He always was, too. Even back when we first met and he tried to kill us all - he had more life and spirit than ANY of us! Spike the vampire, that dead and soulless creature, he was more alive than ANY of us! It was Spike who just saved the world people! Please, try to remember him that way, if you don't do anything else."

"And try to pray for forgiveness for all the many things you have fucked up and all the ways you have hurt me. I'd say all the ways you have hurt me AND Spike. But I know that, even for all you have seen and done since we've known each other, you are still narrow minded enough that you would never accept that Spike had truly changed. But he did. And he did it to earn my love. I can barely comprehend that myself, but I know it to be true."

And I spun on my heels and started walking, leaving behind a bunch of gaping maws and wide eyes.

As I walked, I could almost see Spike smirking at me - a twinkle in his eye, lifting that scarred eyebrow impossibly high - and then just outright laughing. "You tell 'em Pet! Bloody wankers never EVER knew you, and they sure as hell never deserved you! You're the one Buffy. Give 'em Hell!"

And now I'm gonna go someplace and really grieve for Spike. My beautiful Vampire, who loved me more than I have ever been loved, and who gave his life to save the world. I'm gonna cry for myself too. Then I'll cry for the both us and for what we could have had, and all the happiness that we missed out on.

And then I'll wish and pray that he would come back to me somehow, someway. So I can show him how much I love him; so we can be together finally.

I'll just rest for a little while. Rest and wait and pray to whoever will listen to me to please, bring my Spike back to me. Maybe at last I finally deserve to have my prayers answered -- please?

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OhGodSpike! - pettygrl@pacbell.net

Chosen My Ass

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