* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

Chapter 3: Flowers & Slime

Spike spent the next day pacing in his crypt, unable to find the sleep he needed so badly. Since getting his soul back, he hadn't found much rest, haunted by thoughts of guilt and disgust toward himself. Haunted by her. He had been so sure that he had destroyed any possibility that she could ever like him again. Not even love, just like. Just tolerate. Just accept him in her life. And now, she had hinted that she could forget and forgive. She was giving him a chance. A chance of redemption, she had called it. To him it was much more, it was simply a chance to live again.

As soon as the sun disappeared below the horizon, he was out of his lair and striding through the cemetery. He briefly paused in front of a tomb, gauging the fresh bouquet of roses that was simply lying on the ground. He half bent to pick it up, but couldn't make himself grab the flowers. Angry, he walked away, muttering a string of curses, wondering whether he would find an open florist at this hour.

When he knocked at the Summers door, it was Willow who opened for him. Or rather, a shadow of Willow. She looked like she needed sleep even more than he did.

"Hello, Red." He said softly.

Nothing passed through her inexpressive face, as if she didn't recognized him. He could have tried to get in, but he didn't feel like finding out whether he had been un-invited or not. As long as he didn't know, he could pretend to himself that he still had access to the house.

"Can you tell Buffy I'm here for patrol ?"

The Witch stared at him, oblivious to his words. He was going to repeat his request when Dawn appeared behind Willow, smiling at him. She put a hand on Willow's shoulder and gently pulled her away from the door.

"Spike, come in. Buffy is getting ready, she just arrived from work."

Returning her smile, he walked past the threshold, and handed her a single long-stemmed white rose, which brightened her face even more if it was possible. Hesitating only a second, he gave a red one to Willow. She seemed to snap out of a trance as she took the flower and breathed its scent.

"Thanks", she murmured. "It's beautiful."

He only nodded, glad to hear her talk at last. The two girls disappeared in the kitchen, and Spike stayed by the door, shifting from one foot to the other, uneasy to be back in the house where he had attacked the woman he loved. The woman who was now walking down the steps toward him, slipping his old duster on. The woman who was smiling to him.

"Ready to go, Big Bad ?" she smirked at him.

"Ready if you are, Slayer."

Dawn came back from the kitchen, holding two long vases that each held a rose, followed by Willow.

"Hey Buffy, look what Spike gave us !" the teenager said excitedly.

"Lucky girls," Buffy said with a smile. "We're going on patrol. I'll try not to be back too late. Giles should be here soon."

"OK, you two be careful."

The girls went up the steps as Spike and Buffy came out of the house. He walked next to her in silence for a few steps, then stopped. She turned to him, her eyes asking what was wrong.

"It was for you, you know. I gave it to Red because she looked so sad, but..."

He stopped talking, unsure how to finish. He felt embarrassed at his lack of thought. Not sorry that he had given the flower to Willow, she certainly had seemed like she could use some cheering up, but sorry that he hadn't bought more flowers. He knew the Witch lived there, knew she was going through difficult times, he should have just thought of it earlier.

"Thank you Spike", the Slayer said softly, catching his gaze. " I'm glad you gave it to her. Really."

Without another word, they started walking again.

Damn it, his soul was making him worse than the big poof.

* * * * *

Buffy smiled as she sat on a tombstone, flipping a stake in her hand. A few steps away from her, Spike was wresting on the ground with a demon. A very slimy demon, which was why she was not stepping in.

"Slayer, a little help ?"

"Come on, Spike, you can take that thing alone. I don't want slime on my new duster."

She stroked the black leather absently. She liked the thing even more on herself than she had liked it on Spike.

Said vampire was now pinned under the demon, holding the green, slimy hands with its 3 inches long nails away from his neck.

"Slayer !"

With an exaggerated sigh, Buffy stepped closer and abruptly pushed the stake into the creature's head. It fell down on Spike, who quickly wiggled from under it, cursing profusely.

"Remind me to just bloody watch next time you're in trouble", he growled.

"Are you saying you were in trouble ?" she asked with a too-innocent voice.

"Of course not !" he protested quickly. "It's not a slimy green bugger that will put me in trouble. Some day I'll have to tell you what kind of things I had to fight to get the bleedin' chip out."

She looked at him curiously, almost asking him to tell her about it now. She changed her mind as she caught the smell of the slime.

"How about we call it a night ? Since you already stink, you get rid of the body and I'll go tell Giles about this little nasty. First time I see one, maybe it needs to be checked out."

He snorted loudly. "How kind of you to let me have all the fun while you go home."

Before she could add anything, he had hauled the demon on his shoulder and was striding away, muttering unintelligibly under his non-existent breath. Turning to the opposite direction, she started grumbling about cranky vampires. He had not even said goodbye. Not that it mattered anyway.

It was strange. At times he was so kind and thoughtful, like earlier with Willow, and in a minute he could be back to his smirking, bickering, cursing self. The combination was odd, but the strangest was she didn't know which side she liked best.

Her foul mood dissipated before she reached her home. Giles, Dawn, Willow and Xander were all in the living room, watching a video. She beckoned Giles to the kitchen, and started describing the demon. They were soon joined by Xander.

"So how did you kill it, Buffster ? You say it was slimy and stinky but you look pristine. Way to go, girl !"

She eyed his friend uneasily, unsure whether to tell him or not who had helped her. Before she could decide, the kitchen door opened briskly, revealing a still slime-covered Spike. He walked in urgently, nodding to Giles before turning his attention to Buffy. Xander, he ignored completely.

"I found more of our slimy friends, Slayer. A nest, with 5 or 6 of them, maybe..."

He was cut by Xander's fist connecting with his jaw.

"How do you even dare talking to her, monster !"

He blocked Xander's hand as it was approaching his face again, and brutally shoved the brunette to the floor.

"Spike !" Buffy hissed. "Leave him alone !"

He turned to her, surprised and angry. "You tell me to leave him alone ? Who attacked who here ?"

She helped Xander to his feet. He was staring in turns at her and Spike. He spoke slowly, softly, his voice inexpressive. "Spike is back. Spike can hurt humans. Spike is in Buffy's house. Buffy is not staking Spike for what he did to her. Instead she is wearing his coat. Someone wants to explain me ? Because I think I missed an episode. A whole season, even."

Buffy winced, both at Xander's words and at the way Spike's face had closed, shutting out all expressions. "I promise we'll talk about it later, Xander. Right now I have to go kill these demons."

"I'm coming", he said quickly. "I'm not letting you go slay alone with Blondie."

She shot a glance at Spike and indicated the door with her head. He took her cue and walked out of the house, thankfully in silence.

"Xander, there is no way I'm taking both of you on patrol with me. Right now, he knows where the nest is, so that is it. You stay here. There are things you don't know..."

"Obviously" Xander spat.

"Buffy, I will fill in Xander with Spike's whereabouts." Giles said gently. "Grab some weapons and go."

She gave her Watcher a smile of pure gratitude and walked to the living room, trying to ignore the anger on Xander's face.

* * * * *

When Buffy came out of the house, she was carrying a sword and an axe. Spike crushed his half-smoked cigarette under his heel and took the axe that she was handing him. They started walking back toward the cemetery, both of them taking purposeful strides.

Spike was shifting the axe from hand to hand, trying to remember why it seemed familiar. The answer came in a flash. It was the weapon the whelp had swung at him after he had tried to find comfort in the demon-girl's arms. He wondered whether Buffy had chosen that weapon on purpose.

"You know pet, I always hated that boy, but I wouldn't hurt him. "

Her eyes flickered toward him for a second, before returning to the sight in front of them. They had reached an opening in the woods, and 7 demons were walking around a fire, chanting, or rather grunting, what sounded like an incantation.

"Why wouldn't you ?" she finally asked very low.

"He's your friend." Spike answered simply.

He saw a smile form on her lips, and before he knew it she was running to the circle of demons. Repressing the anger he felt at her recklessness, he followed her and joined her dance.

She neatly sliced the closest demon's head before any of them saw her. The chanting stopped instantly, and the slimy things seemed to hesitate for only a second before they rushed to battle. As Spike stepped closer, the demons separated in two groups, three of them attacking each fighter. None of them had weapon, their only advantage being their numbers, but it did not count for much against the deadly team that the Vampire and the Vampire Slayer formed. In only a few minutes, the fight was over. The stench from the demons was awful, but not enough to hide another scent from the Vampire's senses.

"Slayer ? You're bleeding ?"

His eyes ran over her, looking for her wound, finding it on her right hand.

"It's nothing", she said. "Just a little cut. These things sure needed a manicure."

Walking closer to her, he took her sword and examined her bleeding hand. "You need to clean that. It doesn't look deep but there's slime all over it."

She wrinkled her nose as she examined the cut. "Gross." Then her eyes widened, as her expression became blank. "It's starting to burn. And hitch. I think you're right, I need to clean that."

"I have a first aid kit at the crypt. It's closer than your house."

She nodded and they departed. He noticed her face was very tense, and asked : "Does it hurt ?"

"Like hell."

"Talk, it will distract you"

She snorted. "What do you want me to say ?"

"Anything, just talk. It will take your mind off the pain until we can do something about it."

A predatory smile came to her lips. "You talk and distract me. Why did you leave ?"

He shrugged. "I told you why."

"No, you told me what for. I want to know what decided you to go."

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered.

They had arrived at his crypt. He strode in, letting the weapons fall to the floor and went to retrieve his first aid kit. He kept the thing for her, not really needing it for himself. He had her sit in the armchair and kneeled at her side, gently taking her hand to clean it.

"I couldn't stay near you," he said quietly, avoiding looking at her face. "You make me insane. You turn my world upside down. You put feelings in my head that shouldn't be there. I'm a vampire, I'm not supposed to worry that I've hurt a human. I am not supposed to feel guilty about it. I'm not supposed to see you crying every time I close my eyes. I wanted these feelings gone. And now it's worse !"

He laughed joylessly as he gently dabbed disinfectant on her hand. She frowned at him, not even noticing the slight burning from his ministrations.

"You mean... You were feeling guilty before you got your soul ?" she asked, confused.

He did not answer, intently wrapping a bandage around her hand, trying to make it tight without hurting her more. One of these days, he thought, his mouth would be the death of him.

"Want me to walk you home, Slayer ?" he suggested when he was done, still avoiding to look at her face.

He felt her staring at him for an instant before she replied. "No, I'll be fine. Thanks."

She walked to the door, pausing only to take the axe and sword and to say :"See you tomorrow night."

She did not wait for his answer before leaving.

* * * * *

Chapter 4: French Night

The next day, Buffy returned to her old habits and did not knock before entering Spike's crypt. The sun wasn't going to set for another half-hour, but she had felt restless in her friends' company, mostly annoyed at Xander's pointed silence. She had left Dawn at the Magic Shop with the others, gone home to change to slaying clothes, eaten a bit, and been on her way to Spike's cemetery.

She could hear his voice but not see him. He was singing, nicely on key, with that beautiful voice she had remembered fondly since the singing demon had ruled over Sunnydale. However, she couldn't understand the lyrics.

La nuit t'habille dans mes bras
Pâles rumeurs et bruits de soie
Conquérante immobile
Reine du sang des villes
Je la suppose, la voilà

Following the voice, she walked to the ladder that led to the lower level. Spike had moved out of it completely after she torched it with fire grenades to kill nasty buggers. It was the night she broke up whatever relation they had. She wondered what he was doing down there.

Tout n'est plus qu'ombre, rien ne ment
Le temps demeure et meurt pourtant
Tombent les apparences
Nos longs, si longs silences
Les amants se perdent en s'aimant

She finally recognized that he was singing in French, but she remembered too little of her high school study of the language to make sense of any of it.

Solitaire à un souffle de toi
Si près tu m'échappes déja
Mon intime étrangere
Se trouver c'est se défaire
A qui dit-on ces choses-là ?

Trying to be silent, she stepped down the ladder, intent on finding what he was up to. She discovered him in a corner. He seemed to be rolling up the heavy carpets that had covered part of the floor. As soon as she was down, he stopped singing and said : "Came to give me a hand, Slayer ?"

She jumped at his question. He had not even turned to her, not stopped working, giving no hint that he knew she was there until he had spoken.

"How did you know it was me ?"

"How wouldn't I know, pet ?"

He finally faced her and gave her his usual smirk. Suddenly feeling uneasy, she tried to change the topic.

"What were you singing ? It didn't sound like the stuff you usually listen to."

"I listen to a lot of things", he said defensively.

She snorted. "If you say so. Was it French ?"

"Yes. You know French ?"

His raised eyebrow showed he was surprised at the thought, and she had the sudden desire to smack him. Why would it be so surprising if she knew French ? Not that she did, but still...

"You just found yourself a new job. Dawn needs tutoring in French. Thanks for volunteering."

She expected him to protest, and indeed his face started to show a sullen expression, but he wiped it away and simply shrugged.

"OK. Want her to come here or me to go to your place ?"

"You come. I don't want her to hang out in cemeteries. Why don't you find a real home anyway?"

A knowing smile danced on his lips, and she wondered what was so funny. With a rolled carpet on his shoulder, he walked past her and pushed his burden up to the upper level before climbing up. She remained where she was for a short instant, before following when she realized he wasn't coming back down.

"So what was the song saying ? And when did you learn French anyway ?"

He was walking around the room as he answered, shedding his dusty t-shirt, putting on a clean one.

"I learnt French when I was Dawn's age, pet. And the song says something like that"

Night cloaks you in my arms
Faint rumors and silk noise
Conqueror standing still
Queen of the towns' blood
I'm guessing her, here she comes

He briefly cocked his head, looking at her with a spark in his eyes. "Now who did that part remind me of?"

He raised a hand to prevent her from speaking and resumed his translation. It sounded like a poem, and the softness of his voice was hypnotizing.

All is shadow, nothing lies
Time stays still and still it dies
Falling appearances
Our long, so long silences
Lovers lose themselves by loving
A breath away from you, lonely
So close, you escape me already
My intimate stranger
To find is to lose each other
To whom can you tell these things ?

He moved just a step in front of her, and she fought the urge to get closer. He finished by singing the English part that completed the song.

As dawn lights up another day
Visions I once had fade away
All of these words unspoken
And my wildest dreams all broken
It wasn't supposed to be that way
Should I leave, why should I stay ?
Leaving behind me yesterday
Am I free or forsaken ?
Cheated or awakened ?
Does it matter anyway ?

His eyes were looking straight into hers, too serious, and Buffy had the feeling he expected an answer. The song was strangely fitting to the vampire. To them. All of it, but the last part especially. Had his soul freed him or doomed him ?

"It does matter", she said in a strangled voice. "But only you can decide what it will be."

A small smile tugged the corners of his lips. "It's just a song, luv. Nothing more."

She observed him for a moment. He could claim it was just a song, the fact that he was singing that song was unusual in itself. As she had commented earlier, the soft rhythm was anything but his normal choice of music. Was this a soul-related change ? If it was, the lyrics probably meant something to him too. But why would he deny it ?

She realized she had been staring at him when he spoke, almost uncomfortably.

"Sun is down, Slayer. Shall we go ?"

She nodded, and followed him outside. The patrol was quiet, both from the lack of beasties and from the absence of talking.

After dusting her only second fledging for the night, Buffy decided she had enough and told Spike she was going home. Without prompting, he accompanied her.

She observed him sideways, walking next to her in silence. Yes, he had changed since he had come back, but not that much. Apart from a few oddities, like his mood swings, his new taste of music or his refusal to wear his duster anymore, he was still Spike.

"Why aren't you more different ?" she asked as they were approaching the house.

He looked at her with surprise, eyebrows knotting. "What do you mean ? I am different. I am a vampire, I have a bloody soul, I am... I work with the Slayer. Can't be more different than that."

She shook her head. "I mean, your soul didn't make you different compared to the Spike without soul. I don't know, I would have expected you to be someone else completely. Like Angel is completely different from Angelus."

"I told you not to compare me to that brooding ponce."

"It's not like there are many soulful vampires that I can compare you to."

"Then don't compare me to anyone !"

"Then answer me !"

They had reached the Summers home at last. Spike sat on the steps in front of the door, and after a short hesitation Buffy joined him.

"I don't know what to tell you, Slayer," he said very quietly. " It's not like I had a soul before."

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but you had one. When you were human"

He shook his head, and a faint smile came to his lips. "It wasn't me, pet. Not Spike. That was William."

Buffy considered him for an instant, before asking gravely : "Tell me about William."

He looked and sounded startled by her question. "Tell you what ?"

"I don't know. Anything. What kind of person was he ?"

He fished out a pack of cigarettes from his shirt's front pocket and lit one. However he did not smoke it, instead watching it absently as it consumed itself. He seemed lost in his thoughts.

"There's not much to say about William", he murmured finally. "He was just a bad poet who thought he was good. He had no friends, only acquaintances, but he was too bloody stupid to see the difference. He was in love with the wrong woman, for the wrong reasons. He was just pathetic, luv."

As gently as she could, she asked : "If you changed when you lost your soul, why didn't you become William again when you regained it ?"

His face was tilted up to the sky. Even though she was sitting next to him, she had to strain her ears to hear what he answered.

"Wish I knew. But I don't. Maybe... Maybe William is completely gone and I'm all that is left. Or maybe William has been watching from a corner for a hundred years, and decided that being Spike is not that bad."

"Spike ?"

"Yes luv ?"

"Could it be that Spike and William have been the same all along ?"

His gaze turned to her, and she realized that, soul or no soul, his eyes were just as deep. For long minutes, he watched her in silence, and she grew self-conscious. Finally, she gave up on waiting for an answer and jumped to her feet.

"It's getting late. I gotta go."

He got up too, stretching, and started to walk away. After a couple of steps, he turned back to her.

"Tell the Nibblet I'll be there at 5."

Her mind went blank for a second as she tried to understand what he was talking about.

"Oh, right, French lesson. You can come later, no need to risk turning to ashes."

He cocked his head, looking at her intently. "I came here during the day before, Slayer. And I have other engagements for later. A little job dealing with my so-called redemption."

A smirk, a nod, and he was gone.

Buffy sat back down and raised her eyes to the stars as he had done earlier. They were always there when she patrolled, of course, but she barely ever looked at them, taking them for granted. Some things didn't change. Stars for example. You could ignore them for years, and when you looked again, they were still the same, just as beautiful. She had ignored Spike for a long time, certain that she knew him. But he wasn't the same person she had met for the first time years before, in that alley behind the Bronze. He had been different long before he got a soul.

She tried to replay in her mind all the times she had fought against Spike, or by his side. It didn't take her long to come to a startling conclusion. He had often claimed that he had changed, and she now could pinpoint the exact time it had started. When he had begun to hang around her and the Scoobies. When he had begun to show feelings for her, even if he admitted them only much later.

All this time, he had tried to tell her he had amended his ways, because of his love for her. She had refused to believe him. And now that he had a soul, she realized it had been true.

Spike wasn't different with a soul because he had been acting like he had one for a long time.

All for her.

A line from his earlier song kept ringing in her mind, even truer now than it had seemed earlier. My intimate stranger. What did she know about this man, who had been her lover, but who, she now understood, was nothing like the image she had of him?

When the sun rose, Buffy was still sitting on her front porch, her eyes to the sky.

* * * * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Song is Nuit (Night) by Jean-Jacques Goldman, translation by me.

* * * * *

Chapter 5: Reflections

Looking over Dawn's shoulder, Spike frowned at what the girl was writing. This was a bad idea. He was a bad teacher. They had been practicing for half an hour and she still didn't have it right.

"The agreement," he growled. "What did I tell you about the agreement ?"

She turned to him, looking sheepish. "Uh... The adjective agrees with the noun ?"

He looked up, wishing for the hundredth time since the lesson had started that he could light a fag without risking death at the oldest Summers hand. Strange. Two days ago he would have welcomed death, but not anymore.

"You know it, so why don't you apply it ?" he said as calmly as he could. "La tueuse is a feminine
noun, the adjective must agree with the noun, so the adjective must be feminine, and we make it
feminine by adding..."

He watched her questioningly, waiting for her to finish. If she didn't know it by now, she never
would, and he was giving up.

"By adding a E ?" she said tentatively.

He raised his hands to the ceiling, thanking whatever god there was.

"YES ! Add a E to make an adjective feminine, a S..."

"To make it plural and ES to make it feminine plural !"

She smiled at him proudly, waiting for a praise. He only shook his head and repeated, pointing at the errors on her paper : "You know it so apply it."

She corrected her mistakes, adding a E here and there, a S somewhere else.

"OK, nibblet. Good. Now read it."

She shook her head, her eyes growing wide. "I don't know how to speak French, I can't..."

"If you don't try, you will never learn," he interrupted. "Just try and I will correct your pronunciation if needed."

Grudgingly she obliged and read the last few sentences she had written. He pronounced a couple of words for her, but commented that her accent was fine. She repeated the lines again, with more confidence this time. "La tueuse est dangereuse. Sa sœur est charmante et jolie. Ses amis sont étranges."

The slayer is dangerous. Her sister is charming and lovely. Her friends are strange.

He smiled at the teenager, happy that at last she seemed to have the agreement right.

"Alors bout de chou, qu'est ce qu'il y d'autre que tu ne comprends pas ?"

She looked at him dumbfounded, and he repeated his question in English.

"Uh, there's that whole conjugating thing that I don't get. Like the ending of the verbs changing and everything."

He sat down at the kitchen table, across her. This was going to be a long lesson. Someone remind him again why he was doing that ?

Oh, right.

La tueuse.

"It's just another kind of agreement, nibblet. Lets see..."

 * * * * *

By 6.30, Spike and Dawn agreed that it was enough French agreements for one night. He would
have denied it if asked, but the vampire had finally enjoyed helping the girl with her study. He had not had the occasion of speaking the language in years, and he had surprised himself by remembering so much of it.

Tutoring the teenager had brought his mind back to his own teen years. Sitting on the back porch, protected by the shadow of the house, he finally indulged in that cigarette he needed so badly. Thinking of his human life was something he avoided as much as possible, for it usually left him with a burning need for violence.

After a few minutes, Giles joined him. He wasn't surprised by the Watcher's presence, as Dawn had mentioned he would be staying in the house until his return to England. However Spike had not expected that he would seek his company. He waited for the fellow Englishman to tell what he had to say. It didn't take long.

"Spike, I was wondering if you would tell me more about how you regained your soul. Buffy
mentioned the intervention of a demon ..?"

Spike forced himself to calm down. His daydreaming about William's life had upset him, and the
Watcher's words just made matters worse. He tried not to let the distress he felt pierce in his voice when he asked : "She told you ? Why did she tell you when she didn't even tell the Nibblet?"

The other man leaned against the railing of the porch, his fingers tapping against a little notebook. It seemed he was always ready to take notes.

"Well, Buffy has been talking to me about, hmm, the two of you. I suppose that's why she told me."

Spike eyed Giles warily, wondering how much she had told him, and why he wasn't a pile of ashes already.

"What did she tell you exactly ?"

Giles sighed and shook his head. "She told me a lot more than I wanted to know. Everything, I
would say."

"Everything ?"

"Yes, everything. Her mistakes and, hmm, yours."

Mistakes... Was it all it was for Buffy ?

He could not understand her. For months, she had pleaded to keep their relationship a secret, and as soon as her Watcher was back, she told him about it. He was the last person Spike would have thought she would tell. And there he was. Standing over him, watching him questioningly, but without the hatred or disgust Spike would have expected.

"You know, it's her fault I got that bloody soul." Spike said quietly.

"How so ?"

The vampire took a long drag on his cigarette. How much should he tell the man ? How could he
explain what he wasn't sure he understood himself ?

"You lot always said I couldn't be trusted because I would turn back to my bad self without the
sodding chip. So even when I told her I wouldn't, she didn't believe me. Didn't trust me. I wanted to show her."

Giles frowned. Putting his notebook aside, he started cleaning his glasses with a handkerchief. That habit was so annoying.

"Show her she could trust you ? She said you wanted the chip out to... I think her words were 'to
be the Big Bad again'."

A smile came to Spike's lips, though he felt like anything but smiling.

"Both. I wanted to prove her she couldn't treat me like a harmless thing. And at the same time I
wanted to show her she had been wrong all this time, that I was choosing to be good, and it wasn't the chip forcing me. It sounds weird now but then it was so clear in my mind. I needed the chip out so I could deal with her. But... Did she tell you I could harm her even with the chip?"

At Giles nod, Spike continued. "I thought I wanted to kill her. That's what I told her. 'Was hoping she would stake me when I said it. But the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. If killing her was what I wanted, removing the chip wasn't necessary. So why ?"

The question was rhetorical, and of course Giles didn't have an answer.

"I told the demon... told him I wanted the chip out to take care of the Slayer. Give her what she
deserved. My exact words. 'Guess the demon had his own idea of what I meant. I'm not even sure I knew what I meant."

He paused a brief second, flicking the cigarette away. He had replayed his conversation with the
bloody demon a thousand times in his mind, and still couldn't tell why he had chosen these particular words to make his request. He glanced at Giles, who was still watching him intently, as if considering whether to stake him yet or not.

"I don't know anymore what I wanted. I was mad at Buffy for making me love her and rejecting me. Mad for not being good enough for her. Mad for hurting her. Mad for not killing her and ending it once and for all. I don't know, Watcher. You tell me, how can this girl mess up my mind like that ?"

Spike was startled as Giles let out a genuine laugh.

"It's an art with her, I'm afraid. If it's of any comfort, she is just as confused as you."

"Who is confused ?"

Both Giles and Spike jumped at the intervention. Buffy was standing by the door, a glass of orange juice in one hand, looking from one man to the other.

"How long have you been here, Slayer ?" Spike asked, hoping she hadn't heard what he had said. Telling the Watcher was one thing ; telling Buffy was completely different.

"Just arrived from work. How was the French lesson ?"

Spike repressed a sigh as she changed the subject. They chatted about Dawn for a moment then left for patrol. The vampire made a mental note to find the Watcher later, tell him what he wanted to know about the demon, and make him promise to keep their little conversation between them.

* * * * *

"Slayer, why didn't you tell Dawn ?"

The question, coming in the middle of a fight between four fledgings and the Buffy/Spike team,
surprised Buffy enough that she missed the heart and staked a vamp in the abdomen. She promptly rectified her mistake, replying as she gave Spike a quick glance :"Tell her what ?"

He was fighting two vamps at once, distributing kicks and punches, forgetting to use his stake.

"Soul." he simply said between two blows.

Buffy returned her full attention to her opponent and quickly dispatched him.

"I thought you would want to tell her yourself."

She observed several minutes as he kept bloodying the two creatures. Finally stepping in, she staked one of them ; he took her cue and finished the other.

"What's wrong Spike ? We're here to dust them, not play with them."

He shrugged and started walking away. However he stopped after a few steps, waiting for her.
Shaking her head, she followed, wondering what had caused this outburst. He usually was quick at slaying, especially inexperienced vampires like these. She knew the feeling, having herself more than once used her preys for some displaced violence, but she had never witnessed Spike doing the same. He still seemed in a bad mood, but she was too curious to leave the matter alone.

"So tell me what's bugging you", she asked. "Is it because I didn't tell Dawn about the brand new, soul improved you ? I promise, I thought you..."

"Dance with me, Slayer."

* * * * *

I don't know why I said that. And from the way she looks at me, she has no clue either. But she knows what I mean. No need for music for this kind of dance.

"Are you mad at me ?" she asks, still surveying me.

I can see she is tense. Is she afraid ? Afraid of me ? Hell, doesn't she know by now I would never hurt her ? Except... Except I did. So I guess she can't know.

"No," I partially lie, " I am not mad at you. I just want a good fight. With an opponent that actually knows what she's doing. Don't tell me you're scared, Slayer."

Yes, I'm mad at her. At me. At the demon who gave me this cursed gift. At the Watcher for making me talk too much. I'm mad at the whole world. She just happens to be right here.

She sheds the duster, draping it carefully over a tombstone. I had not actually expected her to wear it when I told her to keep it. It's strange to see her in my clothes. Strange but nice.

When she turns back toward me, I see the fire in her hazel eyes. Not anger, though, but rather anticipation.

"I'm not scared of you, Soulboy. Never was, never will be."

Without another word, we dance.

I love fighting her. We know each other's moves so well by now that it's like I'm reading her mind and she reads mine. Like we follow a choreography. It doesn't make for a very effective fight, pain wise, but probably interesting to watch.

And watch, I do.

God, she's so beautiful.

* * * * *

Why are we doing this ? He says he's not mad at me, but he certainly seems to be. As he seems to be giving all he has. I know I am.

Time to end this before it gets too far. I fake a stumble, and when he tries to take advantage of it, roll him down to the ground. Before I know it, I'm straddling his waist, the stake in my hand coming down to his chest.

I stop my movement just in time, and, breathless, look into his eyes. There's no fear in them. No surprise. As if he want me to do it. Why ?

"Spike ? What..."

A blow of his hand sends the stake flying out of my reach. He rolls us, and now he's the one looming over me, pinning my hands down with his, his eyes into mine. Inches from my face, he shifts to his game mask, and it is now gold eyes that seem to be looking into my soul. Ever so slowly, his head comes down to my neck, and I can feel the fangs against my skin, just
pressing, not even drawing blood.

I should be scared. I should scream. I should try to get out of his grip. But I don't. And I know why, a few seconds ago, there was no fear in his eyes, just like I know there is no fear in mine now.

He pushes himself off me, and lies down on his back by my side.

"Why didn't you bite me ?"

"Why didn't you stake me ?"

Probably for the same reasons.

"I mean, why didn't you ever bite me ? When we were... you know... doing it ? More than once I thought you would... but you never did. And I was wondering... why?"

"You never proposed, luv."

"Oh."

Oh.

* * * * *

Chapter 6: Surprises

Buffy winced as Dawn's banded fist crashed on the dummy. She said nothing however, and watched as Giles corrected her sister's position and gave her advice. She kept repeating herself that she had agreed to this, but she still couldn't believe it. She had agreed. She had agreed to her sister learning how to fight. She had even agreed that, eventually, she would take Dawn on patrol.

She had done more than agree. She had given her word.

"Ready for patrol, Buffster ?"

She glanced at Xander, noticing the forced smile on his lips, and forced a matching one on hers. Nodding, she followed him out of the shop's back room.

He had insisted about patrolling with her that night, and she had accepted, hiding her reluctance. God, couldn't she say 'no' to any of them anymore ? First Dawn, then Xander, what would Willow be asking from her next ?

She frowned at the thought. Willow asking for something would be great. Willow wanting anything at all would be wonderful. She was worried for her friend, and she didn't know what to do to help her.

Wanting to break the uneasy silence, Buffy asked the brunette about his job, and tried to listen as he detailed his latest project, absently making the appropriate nods at all the good times. However, her mind was drifting.

She had been at Spike's crypt in the afternoon, to tell him he was off-duty for the night. She had found him crouched in his one and only armchair, eyes closed but not sleeping. For the first time since his return, she had noticed the shadows under his eyes, and almost asked him since when he had not slept. She didn't know why she hadn't voiced the question.

Probably because she already knew the answer.

He had barely nodded when she told him, not even asking why she didn't need him that night. It had slightly angered her that he cared so little. No. Not slightly. A lot.

Xander had finished talking, and asked her about her job. She told him about her 'promotion'. She was now officially in charge of training the new recruits at the Double Meat Palace. Joy...

"Do you have any proof that he has a soul now ?"

The question took her by surprise, as well as the calm tone of Xander's voice. She knew Giles had told him, but her friend had not said a word about Spike since the other night.

"No, not really. But I believe him. He hates it too much to make it up."

Strangely, Xander seemed to accept that. "You know, I'll never understand what it is with you and vampires."

She opened her mouth to protest, but stopped when he raised his hands in a peaceful gesture, an apologetic smile on his lips. "Don't sweat it, Buffster. I've realized something. It's absolutely, completely and totally none of my business who you decide to date. Or boink. Or be friend with."

They took a few steps in silence, Buffy barely believing her own ears.

"You never said anything about me dating and marrying an ex-demon," he said very softly, "so I figure I don't have much to say about your choices. The only reason I get upset is that I care about you. You know that, right ?"

"Yes Xander, I know."

Impulsively, she hugged him, as much by gratitude as to reassure herself that he was indeed right there and that it was not just a dream. Xander, vamp-hating Xander, was actually accepting that there was something between her and Spike. Wow.

"Just be careful, OK ? And if you need a friend to talk to, just remember I'm there for you."

Again, wow.

* * * * *

Flicking her bedside light on, Buffy stared at the alarm clock. 3.15 am. She was tired, but she couldn't sleep. Deciding that a quick late patrol could not hurt, she slipped on sweat pants and a pull-over, picked up her favorite stake, and climbed out the window. She was not sneaking out, she told herself. She was just using her alternate exit so as not to wake up Giles, who was sleeping on the sofa. Just as she was not going to Spike's cemetery to see him. It just happened that it was a good place for patrol, since she hadn't gone there with Xander earlier. And since she was there, she might as well drop by and say hi.

Yeah, right.

The door was half open, and she just pushed it. Stepping in the completely dark crypt, she let her eyes get used to the obscurity for a minute, surprised that not even a candle was lit. Even more surprised when she saw that the crypt was empty. His furniture was gone. It wasn't much of it, of course, but what little he possessed simply wasn't there any more.

He had left.

Again.

Without a word.

Again.

And this time he had taken all his possessions with him.

* * * * *

Chapter 7: Ice Cream and Blood Baths

Grateful for short shifts, Buffy was walking home from work. It had been 8 to 12, today. How people could eat burgers and fries for breakfast, she had no idea. She had actually no idea how anyone could eat anything coming from the fast food's so-called kitchen.

Another thing the Slayer was grateful for was the lack of difficulty of her job. She had been able to work 4 hours without thinking once about what she was doing. Instead, her mind had been focused on vampires. On one vampire. She was in shock that he had actually left again. Left her again. And she could not understand why. What had she done to make him flee ? It couldn't be the fight. He had asked for the fight. So why ? And where to ? Since he had taken his belongings, it must have been for good.

Why ?

Arriving home, Buffy was surprised to find Giles there. He quickly explained that Willow was not feeling well, their usual code word for 'refusing to get out of bed'. Although she herself felt like crawling in her own bed and wait for the next apocalypse, she promised the Watcher to take care of Willow. He left for the shop ; the grand reopening was scheduled for the following Saturday, only two days later.

After a quick shower, Buffy managed to cajole Willow into getting up and out of her room. The room where Tara had died. More importantly for Willow, the room where they had spent their last happy moments together. The red-hair had finally agreed to a Disney Marathon, though Buffy was sure her friend was more interested in stopping her pleading than in watching any movie. Some days were better than others. This was a bad day. Even worse so since Buffy herself wasn't quite in the mood for cheering her up.

Carefully choosing through Dawn's collection, Buffy picked movies that had nothing to do with magic. Even good fairies were not a safe subject right now. Sugarcoated cartoons and happy endings, on the other hand, were all good. Both for Willow's sake and her own.

They started with the Aristocats, followed by the Lion King. When Dawn arrived, having briefly stopped by the Magic Shop after school, the Jungle Book was coming to an end.

The teen proudly presented Buffy and Willow with an ice-cream bucket each. Double chocolate for Buffy, strawberries for Willow, and chocolate vanilla combo for herself.

"What's up with the ice-cream ?" Buffy asked suspiciously, digging in her own bucket as she watched Willow take a spoonful half-heartedly.

"We're celebrating !" Dawn exclaimed joyfully. "I got a A on my French test. It's the first time, ever, that I get better than a D in French !"

Buffy made appropriate noises of amazement, and even Willow congratulated the teen.

"It's all thanks to Spike ! He so has to help me again ! I'm sure with him I can actually pass this class. I told my friends about him, and some of them might want some tutoring too. You think he'd do it ? He could earn some money like that."

Buffy half-choked at her sister's words, and fought back the tears that she felt coming to her eyes.

"I think it won't... He's gone, Dawnie. His crypt is empty. Spike is gone."

Her heart broke as her sister stared at her incredulously and asked : "What did you do ? He wouldn't have left again unless you made him. What did you say to him to make him leave ?!"

"Nothing ! I did nothing, I swear. I don't know why he..."

With a wordless shout, Dawn threw the ice-cream bucket to the floor and ran up to her room, the door banging loudly.

"So that's why you needed a Disney marathon too," Willow said softly, a sad smile playing on her lips.

Buffy returned the smile hesitantly.

"Do you love him ?"

Again, tears were threatening to spill. "I guess I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't love him at least a little", she answered shyly.

Putting her ice cream aside, Willow hugged her, completely surprising Buffy.

"I'll go see if I can talk to her", the red-hair girl suggested.

Buffy nodded, thankful that her friend was choosing this very moment to shake herself out of her torpor.

After cleaning the mess on the floor and storing the remaining ice cream in the freezer, Buffy went upstairs. Dawn's door was closed, but she could hear the two girls talking inside the room. With a sigh, she entered her own bedroom. Fetching a few light blue paper sheets from under her pillow, she read them again. The elegant handwriting told of regrets and apologies, memories and love. Nowhere was there a hint that the writer was on the point of leaving. After reading the letter over and over, Buffy finally fell asleep, clutching the papers in her hands.

* * * * *

She went to open the door, and stared at the peroxided vampire who was smiling at her uncertainly.

"Hey Red. Feeling better today ?"

"Spike ?! I thought you had left !"

It was his turn to stare. "Uh, Red, I came back, remember ? You saw me a few days ago. 'Gave you a flower ?"

She nodded impatiently. It was becoming annoying. Everybody was talking to her as if she was crazy. She wasn't crazy. She was just a mass of nerves, who didn't know what to do with herself since she had tried to destroy the world, and most of the time she just wanted to curl on the floor until it all ended. Not crazy at all.

"Buffy said you left again," she explained patiently, insisting on the last word.

He frowned. "Why would..."

He was cut off by a merry shout coming from the stairs. Willow just had the time to get out of the way as Dawn threw herself at Spike, hugging him.

"Spike ! You're back !"

The vampire's lips twitched with a smirk as he smoothed the teen's hair.

"I didn't leave to begin with, so I'm not really back. But if that's the kind of welcome I get, I'll have to leave more often !"

He laughed as Dawn pulled away from him and punched him playfully. Well, maybe not that playfully.

"'Been taking lessons with big sis, Nibblet ? How to beat vampires 101 ?"

* * * * *

Dawn's joyous cry woke Buffy. The next thing she heard was his laugh. Jumping out of bed, Buffy went to the stairs, hoping with all her heart this wasn't a dream.

"Spike ? You're back."

Before she knew it, she was down the steps, in front of him, and he was arching an amused eyebrow at her.

"I don't know why you all keep saying that. I didn't..."

Without thinking, she slapped him. Hard. And was about to do it again when he caught her wrist.

"I can't say I don't deserve this, and even more, Slayer. But care to explain what's going on exactly ?"

She tried to pull her hand free, and after a moment he let it go.

"I went by your crypt," she said dryly. "All empty."

He tilted his head, looking at her intently. He almost seemed... happy ?

"You found the crypt empty, figured out I had left town, and that's what got you girls all upset ? My, if it wasn't for the hits, I would almost feel loved."

He chuckled, passing a hand through his bleached lock.

"I just moved, pet. Forgot to mention it when you came by yesterday. Planned to tell you tonight. I didn't think you'd stop by the crypt and jump to conclusions."

Buffy felt her cheeks grow hot as she listened to him. Mumbling something about dressing for patrol, she left the three of them standing by the entrance and went back to her room, banging the door behind her as Dawn had earlier. She was feeling so stupid.

* * * * *

Striding alongside the Slayer, Spike was doing his best to hide a smile. She had actually been upset when she thought he had left. Unlife was getting interesting. Daring to glance at her face, he repressed a laugh. She still looked mortified.

"Come on, pet, you said yourself I should find a real home," he teased. "Will you miss the cr