Dear Slayer

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Summary: There was a time when correspondence was an art.

AUTHOR: Elsa Frohman
EMAIL: elsa@frohman.net
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Spike/Buffy
SPOILERS: Season 7 AU
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this before Grave aired, and I didn't know the result of Spike's quest at the time. This is an AU.
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Dear Slayer;

I saw you on the street tonight, and I know you saw me as well, so I guess it's time to get this over with.

You're probably scrambling around now getting a disinvite spell set up on your house and floodlights set up in your yard. But there's no need. I have no intention of standing outside your house watching you, and even less of trying to get inside.

If I ever had any right to approach you, I forfeited it the last time we saw one another. So I will not be troubling you.

You may wonder why I came back to Sunnydale at all. Well, I'm not sure of the answer to that myself. When I finished with what I left to do, it only seemed natural to go home. I just wasn't sure where home was -- London? Europe? Neither seemed to call to me, so in the end I came back here.

But let me repeat that it was not so I could continue to pursue you. That's over with and done.

I won't tell you that I no longer care. But I doubt I could ever make up for what I tried to do to you, so I will stay away.

Once I thought I loved you for the darkness in you. I thought what you needed me to help you embrace that darkness. But when I finally came to look at what happened between us honestly, I came to know that what called to me was the light, not the dark at all. And somehow, I believed -- in the part of my heart I could not acknowledge directly -- that you would somehow find and the light in me and nurture it.

That's not what happened. Instead, we only hurt one another. I know I hurt you and I condemn myself for it.

But I also know that you hurt me. I'm not blaming you. You were lost and damaged, and I was anything but the guide you needed to find your way back to what you once were. So even though I assign no blame, I have to acknowledge that being with you did me no good. Not only were you bad to me, you were bad for me. And I know now that if I'm going to be any use to anyone in this world I have to protect myself.

So I've accepted that you and I can never be together again.

I hope the Nibblet is doing well. All that has happened can't have been easy on her. I suppose she's going to spot me sooner or later. So I hope you'll find some way to explain why I haven't contacted her. The last thing I want is to cause her more pain.

Yours trulyS

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Dear Spike;

You're right. Dawn spotted you, in fact, she's the one who figured out where you're living so I could address this letter. I let her read yours. It seemed like the best way to explain why you wouldn't be coming around.

I have to congratulate you on moving up -- an apartment rather than a crypt -- even if it is a basement. Very good. Must be nice to have running water and electrical outlets.

It seems strange writing to you rather than coming over to talk. But then, we never did very well with the talking, did we? It's probably better to do it this way.

I'm sorry. Very sorry -- for everything. And it isn't "patronizing sorry," or "oh, real for you not for me sorry," or "will you please go away if I just say I'm sorry, sorry."

I'm sorry that I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I never saw how I was hurting you. What happened -- I so know that it wasn't you. Well, OK, it was you, but I know you would never have done anything like that if I hadn't destroyed every bit of hope you ever had. If I hadn't ignored every good thing you ever did and focused on every misstep. If I hadn't said "no" when I meant "yes" again and again. If I hadn't used you and discarded you without a thought for what you must have been feeling.

If I hadn't been so blind, I might have seen how hard you were trying to be a better man. I might have encouraged you rather than beating you down.

But I didn't, and I'm afraid it's too late for regrets. The time for all that is past.

However, I'm in the uncomfortable position now of having to ask you for a favor -- despite everything that has happened. I understand and respect your decision to stay away from me. I really don't blame you. If I were in your place I would want nothing to do with me, either.

So, I hope you can find it in your heart to indulge me, not for my sake, but for Dawn's.

She has lost so much. More than any child her age should have to bear. In the past two years, she lost her mother. Then I left her to sacrifice myself. Even when I returned I had nothing to give her. Now she has lost her surrogate mothers as well. Tara's senseless death hit her hard, and what happened with Willow afterward was even worse.

She is doing better now, and I'm doing my best to be there for her. But it would still mean a great deal to her if you would allow her to come visit with you. I promise I will stay away and not interfere. She still loves you, and it is so unfair that my failure of humanity should deprive her of a friend who means so much to her.

I know it's a lot to ask, considering our history. But if you could do this one thing, I would be forever grateful.

Thanks,B.

PS: I know this sounds incredibly shallow, but you have beautiful handwriting! I feel like I've been putting chicken scratches on this page after looking at yours again.

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Dear Slayer;

I would be more than happy to see Dawn. She knows where I live. If she wants to drop by after school, that would be fine. Or if you'd prefer, I could meet her in a public place.

Unlike you, it does not seem strange to me to be writing to you this way. I grew up in an age when correspondence was an art. More like dropping into an old habit for me.

I hope my previous missive didn't distress you too much. I didn't mean to try to place any responsibility on you. The responsibility was always mine. I should have seen how wrong things had become and walked away. I can only blame myself for continuing to accept all you dished out. Please, let's not keep beating a dead horse. What's past is past. We can't take any of it back. Time to move on.

Meanwhile, if Dawn wants to meet me at the ice cream shop on Main Street on Wednesday evening, I'll be there.

Regards,S.

PS: About the handwriting -- they used to teach penmanship when I was in school. Got my knuckles rapped if my loops weren't round enough.

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Dear Spike;

Thank you so much for the fertility god statuettes. I've put them on the bookcase in the living room. African artwork -- for some reason, they make me think of my mother. She was always bringing home things like this from the gallery.

Dawn said you were looking good. I'm glad to hear it.

By the way, I have your leather duster. You left it here that day. I could have Dawn bring it to you next time you see her, if you like.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your taking time to spend with Dawn. It means a lot to her -- and to me.

ThanksB.

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Dear Buffy;

I'm glad we could work something out with Dawn. It means a lot to me, as well.

I'm happy to see she's doing better in school this term. She's a bright girl. Have you given any thought beyond high school? Now is the time to start planning for college. I know she's only a sophomore, but it's never too early.

Don't worry about the duster. Do whatever you want with it. Doesn't really suit my style these days.

I hope the slayage hasn't been too strenuous. It must be difficult for you to have to work full-time in the day, and fight vampires at night. As far as I've been able to see since I've been back, things are pretty quiet. I did notice there was a pack of vamps setting up in my old crypt. Just thought I'd let you know about that in case you wanted to drop by and clean them out. No big deal. They look pretty pathetic if you ask me. You can probably take them out with out working up a sweat.

Not that it matters, mind you. I don't have any designs on the crypt these days. Much more comfortable in my flat -- even if I do have to pay rent.

Warmest regards,S.

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Dear Spike;

I know we've agreed to stay out of one another's hair, but I wonder if it would be too much to ask for a little suspension of that rule.

It's Dawn's birthday next Friday. I'm inviting Clem, Sophie, Dawn's friend Janice, Jonathan and Xander. I know Dawn would be really pleased if you'd come as well. If you would prefer not, I'll understand. Particularly since Xander is going to be here. But I've let him know that this is Dawn's day, and I'm going to take it very hard if he messes it up for her. He said he would put aside old grievances for Dawn's sake.

The party starts at 6 p.m. Let me know if you're coming.

While I'm at it, thanks for the tip on the vamps in your old crypt. You were right -- they were pathetic. I could have sent Jonathan after them. They just don't make vampires like they used to.

Yours truly,B.

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Dear Buffy;

Thanks for the invite. What sort of present would Dawn like?

Just don't seat me next to Harris.

Sorry for the short note. I'm late for work. Must dash.

Sincerely,S.

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Dear Spike;

Work?

Regards,B.

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Dear Buffy;

Yeah, work. Gotta pay the rent. I'm doing the midnight shift at the morgue. Not much to do. The clients aren't very talkative. Just sit there and make sure the customers don't try to leave. Take a few deliveries. The ambience is familiar, the job seems to suit me.

Saw a nice cashmere sweater at the mall. What size for Dawn?

If you're at loose ends, pet, you might check out the warehouse on Sands Street. Looks to me like something's going on in there.

See you Friday,S.

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Dear Slayer;

I guess you're not too thrilled with me now. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let Harris get to me. I suppose I still need to work on keeping control of my temper.

I'd go try to apologize to Harris, but I don't think he'd be too happy to see me.

I'm sorry to have ruined Dawn's party.

Really sorry,S.

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Dear Spike;

I am so not blaming you for the Xander incident. He was in the bag before he got here. Staggering.

I went and talked to him this morning. Ripped him a new one, actually. He's feeling pretty sorry himself. He realizes it was his fault.

I know you don't want to hear me defend Xander, but he had reason to be off his game. He got a letter from Giles and Anya earlier in the day. That still hurts him -- a lot. So by the time he got to the party he was pretty well pissed -- in all senses of the word.

I blame myself for not getting him out of there when he started in on you. All that snarky "dead thing" and "soulless demon" stuff. I should never have let it go on. I don't know why I didn't shut him down. I feel pretty bad about that. I need to be more proactive about things like this. Just because Xander is my friend doesn't mean I agree with what he says. I should have let him know right then that he was out of line.

And you showed considerable restraint. You only hit him once -- and that after he'd swung at you and missed -- three times.

Dawn was pretty upset, but she's not blaming you either. She's pretty mad at him.

Xander is feeling very low at the moment. More than low -- he's pretty much in full-grovel mode. Dawn will probably forgive him -- in a couple weeks. It may take longer for me.

Look, can we make it up to you? Why don't you come over Tuesday. We can have dinner -- just the three of us. No Xander. I promise. I'll even have some pig's blood for you. And after, there's a creature feature marathon on Sci-Fi.

Sincerely,B.

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Dear Buffy;

I don't know if that's such a good idea.

But I am glad to know you aren't going to hold Xander's broken nose against me. Now there's an image I could have done without.

Seeing you again brought back a lot of memories. If you don't mind, I think I'd like to back off a little now.

But let's not let this affect the Little Bit. Please let her know she's still welcome to drop by any time.

Respectfully,S.

PS: There's something stirring at Sunny Rest Cemetery. Not sure what -- doesn't look like the run of the mill vamp nest to me. Please be careful.

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Dear Spike;

You were right about Sunny Rest. We're not sure what it is either. Jonathan is doing some research. We're taking a wait-and-see approach for now. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be fully emerged yet. We want to know just what we're dealing with before we go in stakes blazing.

By the way, were you planning on going to Dawn's play Friday? I've been happy to see her getting involved in the Drama Club. And I'm so proud of her landing a principal role in Midsummer's Night Dream. My little sister -- Titania!

So, I was really bummed when the OT shift at work came up. I so can't afford to turn down OT right now. It would be sad for Dawn if there was nobody for her in the audience when she makes her triumphant debut. And Jonathan just wouldn't be the same.

Finally, I guess I understand about the backing off thing. (Left it to last -- not being avoidy or anything am I?) Whatever. I'll stay out of your hair. (Speaking of which, have I mentioned that I like the new look?)

Regards,B.

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Dear Buffy;

I wish you could have seen Dawn tonight. She was brilliant. And so beautiful in her fairy queen costume. There has never been so perfect a Titania. And she didn't miss her marks or flub her lines even once. She glowed -- positively glowed.

The girl is destined for the stage, I tell you.

By the way, you might suggest that Jonathan check out "Gaeus Antimony's Chronicles." Just a thought. Something about that thing at Sunny Rest reminds me of it. Can't quite put my finger on what.

Hope the extra shift wasn't too tiring.

Sincerely,S.

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Dear Spike;

Thanks for being there for Dawn. It means a lot.

You were right about the Chronicles, by the way. Jonathan says thanks. We're going to go in and try to deal with it tonight. Can't wait any longer. It's getting stronger. Gotta take care of it while we still can. At least, I hope we still can.

If anything happens to me, I know you'll continue to look after Dawn.

Love;B.

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Spike;

You miserable bastard. Now I see it. The lies. It's all starting again.

I suppose this seems a bit ungrateful after last night. I probably wouldn't have made it if you hadn't showed up to watch my back. I am grateful for that, no matter what it seems like.

But dammit! Why didn't you tell me? Why did you hide it? How can I trust you when you keep this sort of secret?

Did you think I wouldn't notice? When you knocked me down to keep that thing from taking my head off, I felt it.

Why did you keep it from me? When did this happen?

B.

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Dear Slayer;

I suppose pointing out that not telling everything is not quite the same thing as lying isn't going to help now.

No, I didn't tell you. Dawn knows, but I asked her not to tell either. She noticed right away after we started seeing each other. She doesn't miss much.

Where do I start?

I didn't want you to know because I don't really understand what happened myself. I'm still not sure what it means.

It happened last spring when I went to Africa. It wasn't what I thought I was bargaining for. Odd how things turn out, innit?

Giles and Anya know about it. I went and stayed with them for a while after it happened. But in the end, I could see I was getting in their way. They've just got a small flat in Bath, and there isn't room for a permanent houseguest. I asked them not to mention it if they talked to you.

Giles helped me get the necessary documents so I could fly back here. Can't really travel by cargo container anymore.

Giles has been researching what's happened to me, but he hasn't found anything particularly useful so far. It doesn't seem to have happened before. At least, he hasn't found any record of it happening before.

At first, the heartbeat was driving me insane. It just goes on and on -- thump, thump, thump. I know I had one before I was turned, but I had completely forgotten what it feels like. Kept me awake. But I got used to it.

I still seem to have a great deal -- if not all -- of my previous vampiric strength. I can still handle myself in a fight (as I'm sure you saw last night). When I cut myself, it heals quickly -- so I think I still have accelerated healing -- but I haven't sustained any serious wounds to test that theory.

I need to breathe now, and eat. And I can go out in the sun, though I sunburn so easily that I haven't been taking too much advantage of that, yet. I've been going of for short periods -- wearing sunscreen -- SPF 30. I hope to get to the point where I can go to the beach someday. But I'm not there, yet.

I'm not sure what I am now. I didn't want to tell you until I'd figured that out.

I'm sorry you had to find out that way, rather than having me tell you myself.

Sincerely,S.

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Dear Spike;

I'm sorry I freaked. It was just such a shock. I really wish you'd trusted me enough to tell me about it. Jonathan is looking into it, but he's of the same opinion as Giles (who I called and talked to this morning). Nobody seems to have heard of anything like this before.

By the way, Dawn asked me to tell you she's not going to make it Saturday night. Would you believe she's got a date?

Vampires and demons I can deal with. But this is really scary. I've told her if she isn't home by 10 p.m. her boyfriend is going to meet Mr. Pointy.

Am I being the mom from hell? I know she needs some space to develop her independence, but this is the Hellmouth. I'm going to be a nervous wreck until she gets home.

Yours truly,B.

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Dear Buffy;

What do you know about this boy? Have you met his parents? Where are they going? Do you think it's wise to let her go out without a chaperone? This is the Hellmouth, you know.

If he doesn't have her home by half ten, you won't have to go after him. I'll bring you the pieces.

Sincerely,S.

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Elsa Frohman - elsa@frohman.net