I Can't Love You

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Summary: Buffy’s POV on why she can’t love Spike.

AUTHOR: Christy
EMAIL: moneal@poboxes.com
WEBSITE: www.members.tripod.com/allaboutspike
RATING: G
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike
CATEGORY: Angst
DISCLAIMER: They're not mine.
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, it’s yours. Just let me know where it is going.
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I can’t love you. That’s what I told him before I ended it. Before I broke his heart. He didn’t understand. I could tell. I can’t love you. Why did I word it that way? Why didn’t I tell him I don’t love you, I will never love you?

I can’t love you. What does that mean? I can’t love him because he is an evil, soulless vampire? I know that is what he thinks. But that’s not the whole truth. I can’t love him because I can’t love anyone right now. That’s closer to the truth. I’m not sure I even love Dawn. I can’t love him because he is a vampire and I’m the slayer. If I let myself love him, a vampire without a soul that changed, how can I thoughtlessly kill other vampires? I can’t even think about it. It is too complicated, too icky. I can’t go there, so I can’t love him.

I can’t love him because of Angel. I’m not still in love with Angel, that passed a long time ago. But, if Angel, the vampire WITH a soul, protector of the hopeless, champion of the people can go bad, what’s stopping Spike? He doesn’t even have a soul, what’s stopping him from turning on all of us? I never, in my worst nightmare, would have thought Angel could go evil. It hit me out of the blue and nearly destroyed me. When he lost his soul he didn’t love me anymore. Yet Spike, with no soul does love me. Something else I would have to come to terms with if I let myself love him.

I can’t love him because I might have to kill him. If the chip stops working will he go back to killing? What’s to stop him? He has no soul to stop him. When Angel lost his soul nothing stopped him. And if Spike started killing again, I would have to stake him. Killing Angel was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I loved him and it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. I still had to kill him. And it nearly killed me. And what scares me, what really scares me, is if I let myself love Spike it would make my love for Angel look like a little crush. If I let myself love Spike, I think it would consume me. I can feel it sometimes, tugging at me, pulling me in. If I gave into it, I know it would be deep; endless; forever. There would be no coming back. And then, when I had to kill him, it WOULD kill me. It wouldn’t nearly kill me like Angel, it would kill me. I wouldn’t be able to go on without him. I wouldn’t be able to live with his betrayal and the knowledge that I was the one that had to end it. I would rather die than even face the possibility.

So, I can’t love him.

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Christy - moneal@poboxes.com