Home : Stories by Author : Stories by CrazyEvilDru : Mourning
Summary: Buffy mourns, post 'Chosen'.
AUTHOR:
CrazyEvilDru
EMAIL: dru@shadyfiction.com
WEBSITE: http://www.geocities.com/crazyevildru
RATING: NC-17
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike
SPOILERS: Post 'Chosen' Season 7
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters
AUTHOR'S NOTES: HOLY SHIT! DRU WROTE SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!
*NEW* EXCLUSIVE BUFFY FIC FROM ME!
Please enjoy with tissues and send lots of praise and encouragement! J
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"So. what are we gonna do *now*, Buffy?" Dawn asked her sister, as if she would have the answers. But *no* one had the answers. The only answer any of them could answer was: did we win?
"We need to rest," Buffy answered as they climbed back on the bus. "We need. beds and-" She knew where they would go, where they could go and rest.
"We're going to L.A.," she said as she climbed into the driver's seat and just drove.
Buffy didn't have the strength to do anything else. She just drove. She couldn't think. Didn't *want* to.
They had gone with an army of thirty and left with fifteen. But she couldn't think about those left behind, not now, maybe not ever.
She just drove.
------
"Buffy?" Her name echoed through the empty foyer before the other refugees made is through the doors, but the name wasn't spoken with the right accent. And it made her sad.
"Hi! Surprise?" She said.
"Buffy!" He repeated before yanking her into his arms. "We- on the news! We didn't think- god, you're *here*."
"Yeah, we. well, you know me. I really am not *fond* of schools, and we figured, why stop there?" She joked expressionlessly.
"How many did you- it was. bad?"
"The worst," she said softly. "We. need a place to-"
"I've got plenty of room, blankets, towels- we've got-" He smelled blood, from Buffy, from most everyone. "Plenty."
Calls were made and Angel's friends came to help the wounded, sent for supplies and food and Buffy just felt numb. She just- stood, watching, just numb.
She was tired from months of no rest. No- that was untrue. There *had* been rest. Three nights of sleeps that were- She stopped herself and inhaled deeply.
"Buffy? You're hurt."
"I'm okay," she told Dawn, just as she'd told Angel and Willow and Xander.
"You should. get some sleep, you'll feel better."
But she knew she wouldn't.
And suddenly the huge room was too small and she fled to the courtyard where she hoped she could breathe easier.
She stood in the sunlight, letting is fall on her face and warm her like it did on-
"Buffy?"
"Isn't it a bit. flamey out here for-"
"I'm *sorry*, Buffy," he said as he stood in the shadow of the overhand. "Sorry he-"
"No you're not," she stated. "Don't lie. You're glad I gave *him* the job of wearing that stupid- and not *you*."
"Buffy-"
"He was so happy about it too. *Proud*, that I picked him over you. Proud that I thought of him as a Champion. Did you- *know*? What it would-"
"No," he said. "I. when I held it though, it felt warm to me, dangerous."
She crossed her arms and just stood in the sun, not looking at him.
"Did you- I don't know," he finished. He wasn't *sure* what he wanted to know. "I'm just- for what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"I know. Me too."
And she was sorry. She
was sorry she wasted time. She was sorry that it had felt that something *real*
could have happened and that now it never would. She was sorry she would never
be able to give Spike that, to repay him for all the strength he gave her, for
the undying
love, even when she couldn't handle it.
She was sorry she would never get to tell him that she *had* meant it, what she said.
And she'd never get to show him.
Suddenly, her body just gave out and she just started crying and her insides ached for him and she was just wracked with sadness and she fell in a crying heap in the middle of the courtyard, crying and wailing.
A few came out, but no moved toward her.
They just watched her mourn.
--------------
It was not long after the sun went down, long after everyone had gone back inside to leave her in peace, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. A cool hand.
And it hurt.
It stung.
"What?" She asked, look up at him.
"You should try and get some sleep."
"Ya know, I've done what had to be done, what I was told I had to do for the past five months. If I wanna sit here for the rest of my life, I'm gonna do just that."
"Buffy, I know you're hurting, but-"
"Stop it!" She half-yelled as she stood up. "You don't *know* what I'm going through, Angel. And you wanna know why? Because you *left*. You don't know me and I don't know you. You have no *idea* what I did to him!"
She was on the verge of tears again.
"So tell me."
"It's none of your business," she said.
"Maybe you're right, but. you can't- you *shouldn't* go through this alone."
"Buffy, he's right, you-"
"What is this? Intervention?" She asked as Willow came out.
"No, I just- you're exhausted. You should get some sleep, you've barely slept at all. You'll feel-"
"If you *dare* say I'll feel better in the morning, you can choke on it. Spike is *dead*!" She said and noticed a few others coming out. "He gave up his *life* for me, for YOU guys! To save this fuckin' *world* and no one wants to even bother giving him another *thought*?! No, if I'm the one mourning, I *will* do it alone," she snarled and walked past everyone.
She climbed the stairs to the top floor and grabbed an empty room.
Buffy sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing what to do. She hadn't known what to do about her mother either so she had sat with Angel all night long. She should have been with Spike.
She wished she could tell him that.
She just kept thinking about how beautiful he looked, how warm his hand had been to her touch- the *last* touch. He was so proud, proud to die if it meant she could live. She wondered if Angel would have made that choice.
"Buffy?"
"What?" She asked, wiping her eyes.
"I just-" He handed her a set of clean clothes. "They're Cordelia's, but. your shirt has-"
"I got stabbed," she said.
"Buffy, you're right," Angel said as he sat next to her.
"What?"
"You're right. I *don't* know what happened or why and no matter what I think, or thought, about Spike, he *did* save you. He *did* give you. something. Maybe it was something I couldn't."
"Yeah, he never left me. When I needed him, he was there, no matter how shitty I treated him."
He was quiet for some time. She was too.
There had been a time when she thought she wanted nothing more than to fall into Angel's arms. There had been a time when she thought just being in the same room with him would make everything better.
She had been wrong. It made it worse.
"Thank you," she stated, her voice breaking the silence.
"For what?"
"For leaving me. I- may have protested and hated it, but-"
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I always just wanted you to be happy and-"
"Yeah, well, my only chance at that, my only *real* chance just burned up, so forgive me if I'm a little upset."
"Do you really think that-"
"I took his hand and he was so warm. I told him I loved him, I said 'I love you' and ya know what he said? He looked at me and said 'No you don't, but thanks for saying it'. He'll never know that I meant it. I just. didn't know I did at the time."
She felt his hand start to move around her but she stood up. "Thanks for the clothes. I just- wanna be alone."
"Okay," he said and stood up and left, leaving the clothes on the bed.
She sighed and wiped her eyes. She was so tired. She kept hoping that she'd close her eyes and wake up and be back in bed after Riley left when she first found out about how Spike felt and she could-
She shook her head and headed into the bathroom to shower.
She wondered if she'd even be *able* to sleep. She wasn't sure if she even remembered what it meant to sleep an entire night.
She pulled the t-shirt on and shut the bathroom light off as she walked out into the-
"You shouldn't look so sad, Luv."
"*What*?" She jerked to the side and he was- "Spike?"
"Although I always did like you in white. Or *out* of white, but-"
"Spike?!" Her eyes flooded with tears as she stared at him, leaning against the dresser. "What are you-" And then her eyes filled with fear. "Get *out*," she said. "Leave me alone. You didn't win."
"Not the First, Pet, see? Touch me." He slapped his hand on the dresser. "See?"
"Are you a ghost?"
"Do I look ghosty? Don't answer that. I'm just- *me*."
"God, I'm so sorry, Spike," she said. "I never got to-"
"Don't, Luv. Just. sleep."
"Are you- back?"
"I'm here because you need me, Buffy. It's the only reason I was anywhere."
"Are you- you're not *real*."
"Would you stop trying to figure me out and just hug me?" He smiled.
She ran into his arms and held him *so* tightly as she sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry, Spike. I'm sorry for everything I-"
"No need, Pet. Just. your friends are right. You should sleep."
"Will you- can you stay?" She asked, stepping away from him for a second.
"Yeah, I'll hold you."
And she settled against him, her head on his chest, and she was soon fast asleep.
--------------
She dreamt that night of sunlit picnics and walks in the park. She dreamt of flowers and gardens and firelit evenings, making passionate love until her body couldn't come anymore.
She knew they could do it. They'd done it before, though it hadn't been love.
It'd been loathing. Self-loathing and pain inflicted on herself when she hated herself, while she silently hoped that she would be punished for allowing him to touch her, silently hoping that she would be given death again.
And instead, *he* was given death.
Brilliant warmth and fire and incineration and- "SPIKE!" Her voice startled *her* as she jumped up out of sleep to an empty room. "Spike?" She silently asked the darkness and glanced down at the pillow she'd been hugging.
Tears came to her softly.
She knew it hadn't been real, but she'd wanted to believe.
"Spike?" She asked again because she didn't know what else she could do, but say his name and ache inside for him. Her heart ached, far worse than it ever had when Angel was gone.
She got up and walked over to the window to stare out at Los Angeles.
She pondered what she would do but she couldn't imagine moving on without him. She needed him he had known it all along and it must have hurt him so much every time she pushed him away.
She kept thinking about how good it had felt those last three nights to have his arms wrapped around her, his body so close. They had been closer with each other those three nights than they *ever* had been the year before.
The things they had done with each other, *to* each other, were- they blew her mind. The things he made her feel, even if she was hating herself for loving them, had been so intense. He'd tried so many times to take it slow and make love to her, but she'd never allowed it, never allowed herself the pleasure without the pain.
She wished she had. Had she known that last night would have been the last night, she would have kissed him, instead of holding him. She would have loved him with her body, even if she couldn't say it with her words. She would have allowed him to-
"Shouldn't be thinkin' that stuff, Luv," he said softly and she inhaled sharply as his hands wrapped around her waist and she leaned into his arms.
"You're not real."
"No, maybe not, but. it *feels* real, yeah?"
"Yeah, I guess. It just. hurts more, to think about."
"Would you rather I go?"
"NO! *Don't*. Stay."
He kissed the top of her head and she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his arms. "Pretty town, here, huh?"
"Not a crater."
He laughed a bit. "True. Guess it's fair to say I *won't* be getting my DeSoto back, huh?"
"Wish I'd packed a few things, but. I don't have a mortgage to worry about."
He chuckled again and she loved that sound. She hadn't heard it enough.
"Did it hurt?" She asked him.
"Nah, I've felt worse."
"Where did you- *go*? To Hell? To Heaven?"
"To you," he said softly.
"Are you gonna. leave me?"
"*Never*. Didn't I tell you that, Summers? You could beat me off with a stick and I'd still be glued to your hip."
"Not in those *exact* words. But. why are you here?"
"Because you needed me."
"I always need you, I-"
"BUFFY!" Her eyes popped open and she sat up and glanced at the window.
"I'm losing my *mind*," she said softly. "What, Dawn?" She asked when her sister opened her door and stood at the foot of the bed.
"I just." Her sister's eyes were red and swollen. "Had a- I just-"
"C'mon," she said and her sister dove onto the bed with her. She wrapped her arms around the trembling teenager and sighed. "It's okay, Dawnie. You can go to sleep."
"I love you, Buffy," she sighed and soon was fast asleep.
"She's gonna need you, Pet."
Buffy's eyes snapped over to the chair where he sat.
"Nibblet's gonna need her big sis. Battle like that, she's gonna need you there, to help her."
"I haven't been around much lately for her."
"She understands."
"Am I dreaming?"
"Or you're hallucinating."
"Or I'm crazy. I'm not sure which scenario I like better."
"'Slong as people don't hear you talking to imaginary vampires, you'll be okay."
Buffy looked down to the sleeping girl in her arms and wondered if she'd ever be able to make it right for Dawn. She wondered if she could make it right for herself.
"You're gonna stop coming, aren't you?"
"*Never* wanted to stop coming."
"You're a pig, Spike."
"Perhaps, but you walked into it so nicely."
"When will you-"
"When you don't need me anymore."
"That's never gonna happen."
"You'd be surprised."
"I can't let you go, Spike. I shouldn't have let you go."
"You didn't. I went."
"For me."
"Wasn't about you, Pet. It was about *me*."
"Spike, I l-"
"Just get some rest, Buffy."
"But-" she glanced away from one second, a blink, "I-" but he was gone.
And Buffy wept.
----
Buffy sat in the foyer watching everyone else eat, but she didn't have the stomach for it.
"What are we gonna do now, Buffy?" Dawn asked.
"Huh?"
"What's next?"
"Dawn, I don't- I have no idea," Buff y answered. She couldn't think about anything other than his arms around her in front of the window. She knew it was insane, but it felt so real and she. *needed* that.
"Well," Giles said, "We'll need to start contacting the other slayers. They should know what happened and a bit of their purpose. We should probably start another Council of some sort, though all of our books are gone."
"*Actually*, Giles," Willow spoke up. "We *had* scanned all the books into the computer that one summer and I sent all those files to Cordy, so they *should* be here."
"Excellent!"
And the conversation continued but Buffy wasn't paying attention. She didn't even want to think about that stuff. She didn't want to think about moving on because it meant being without him and she'd *been* without him. She'd been miserable without him.
She had been lonely and sad and weak without his love and she'd spat it in his face over and over. She'd told him he was worthless to him while demanding he be at her side and-
"Come on, now, Luv, you *know* I didn't care about that. No place I'd rather be."
Her eyes flew to the stairs where he was sitting, his elbows resting on his knees.
"Spike," she whispered.
"Buffy?" Willow asked. "Did you-"
"No. It's- I'm gonna go upstairs."
She got up and headed for the stairs before Angel stopped her. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," she said, but she didn't look at him. "Alive," she added, while keeping her eyes locked on those blue eyes she could get lost in.
"Buffy, are you. *sure* you're okay?"
"Just tired."
"You've been. everyone's worried about you, Buffy. You seem to be. you're cutting yourself off from-"
"Gee, I'm really *sorry* about that, Angel," she said and couldn't help but look in Angel's eyes. She realized they were the wrong color. "I'll remember next time I save the world and lose half my friends and my lover to be happier about it. Tell me, why are you *really* mad?"
"What?"
"Are you mad that I was with him, or are you mad I've shed more tears for him than I did for you?"
"Buffy!" He gasped.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs."
She ran upstairs to her room and slammed the door behind her. She was sick of having to act like it didn't hurt. She was tired of having to sit there, even for an hour, and act like a normal person when all she wanted to do was curl up and die.
"Now, now, you *did* that once and look what happened."
"Spike!" She ran into his arms and nearly cried when he held her tight against his chest. "I thought he'd chased you away."
"What? Grand-sire there? *Never*. Bloody poof, he thinks he can just-"
But she cut his words off with her mouth. She slid her arms up around his neck and held his lips against hers and was relieved when he kissed her back. Of all the kisses they'd shared, it was the most gentle.
Her tongue lightly caressed his bottom lip before he opened his mouth slowly and his large hands held her back and pressed her body against his.
"Spike," she whispered, "Can we."
"Do anything you want," he replied before closing his mouth over hers again.
"*Any*thing?" She asked as she pushed his duster off his arms.
"Anything," he repeated.
"Make love with me, Spike, even if. even if it's not really real, even if I won't wake up with you, *be* with me, let me love you like that, will you?"
"God yes, Buffy," he whispered as they backed up toward the bed.
She pulled his shirt up and kissed his cool mouth once again before sliding her tongue down his neck to place kisses on his broad chest, even as tears formed in her eyes.
He tossed her shirt on the floor before they landed on the bed and his weight rested on her body and she felt like she was truly home. "God, I missed you, Spike, the past year, like this. missed your body."
"I'm here now, Slayer," he whispered before claiming her mouth again.
Her hands traveled up his muscular arms and down his back, over his shoulder blades to where his jeans began and she could hardly believe she was touching him, feeling his mouth lightly sucking on her neck, driving her crazy.
"Spike, I need you," she whispered in the darkness. "Need you in me now," she added softly.
"Yesss," he and she rolled them over so she could get his jeans unbuttoned and found they were suddenly both naked. "Got a little magic of my own, Luv," he smirked before she felt his hands slide down to her bare hips and she moaned at feeling them again on her skin. She hadn't thought she'd *ever* feel him again, feel his body underneath hers.
"God, Spike, I don't want this to end," she whispered through the tears that were slowly coming from her eyes. "Don't wanna let you go. Don't wanna close my eyes and watch you die over and over. Spike, I l-"
"Shh," he whispered and pulled her down for another kiss.
And the next thing she knew, she'd grasped his lukewarm manhood and sunk down onto it, finally having him inside her and she cried. It felt so wonderful and she knew it'd be the last time.
"Just *feel*, Pet," he whispered and she did. She moved her hips slowly, wanting to prolong the feeling of just. being alive. That's what he made her. He made her feel alive, made her *be* alive. He made her heart warm the way that nobody could.
Their hands clasped, their fingers interlocking as she moved on him and kissed him. She should have loved him like that before.
"Spike, William, I l-"
"I know, Pet, just feel," and with that, he thrust his hips up and she gasped in surprise.
"Missed you, Spike, your body and mine. like this." she spoke softly as the tears had free reign in her eyes. Through the tears, she tried to memorize the curves of his face, his chiseled features and gorgeous blue eyes and how they looked at her with such love- how they always had and she'd never cared. Never cared until that very moment.
"God, Spike, I love you so much," she sobbed as her tears fell on his chest. "So much it hurts," she whispered before claiming his mouth in teary kisses and they came together.
----------------
She sighed and relaxed on top of him, his hands softly rubbing her back.
"Are you. in my mind or are you actually you?" She asked quietly. She feared closing her eyes.
"What do you mean, Slayer?"
"I mean. you're here because I need you, but are you just some Spike I made up or you actually *Spike* Spike?"
"What makes you say *that*?"
"Because if you're just. some Spike from my head I'm projecting so I can see him, then he'll have died never knowing how I really felt. Then I'll never know he- if you're not *Spike* Spike, then I'll have never gotten to make love with him and see his eyes and I couldn't. couldn't bear the thought of-"
"Shouldn't think about that stuff, Pet. Let it just be what it is."
"You're not him," she said softly. "You're just. what I need to see, not *him*. He's. *gone*. I wish- god."
"What? What do you wish, Pet?"
"Wish that last night. instead of just. *laying* that I'd. god, I could have at least *kissed* him. I could have. at least told him I really cared about him, that I wanted to try with him, that I wanted-"
She was crying again and he held her tightly.
"I *knew*, Luv," he said.
"No, you're just- you're just saying that because my mind is telling you too," she sobbed, wishing she had never taken that introduction to philosophy class in college. "God, and now, if he really is watching- he's seen me. what? Having sex with figment Spike?"
"Shouldn't have said that, Luv," he told her softly.
"What? Why?" She asked.
"Because it's-"
"No, it *is* true," she insisted and sat up so she could look into his eyes. "I'll never. god, I should have- had I known it'd be the end. I. I *wasted* it."
"I *had* what he needed from you, Buffy. You were *with* me, remember? On the best night of my life. I never *had* that with anyone before."
But Buffy didn't hear him, didn't heed what he was saying. "I should have kissed him, at least once. God, I *wanted* to. Should have realized I was in love with him and given him that much."
"Can't live on regret, Luv. *I* never did. Gotta just. go on."
"Alone," she said softly as he pulled her back down into his arms. "While Spike rots in Hell somewhere forever."
"Come now, you think a guy gets a soul and gives his unlife to save the world and you think he'd go to Hell?"
"Angel did."
"Angel was sucked in, Pet," he explained. "There's a bloody difference."
"Oh, stop being shirty." He chuckled. "You're not gonna be here when I wake up, are you?"
"I'd reckon not, Luv."
"Because you're here because I need you and it hurts to much to have *you* here and know he's not- that he didn't get to feel this- *us*, *me* *here* like this. *with* him."
"Don't wanna hurt you, Luv."
"I know, I'm. grateful- glad I could. *have* this, but. he never will. It's. how do I go *on*? Without him? How do I- I thought he'd be here. I thought he'd be *with* me, that we might. I don't know- go on a date or something stupid and girly like that."
"Maybe this isn't about *him*, *me*, maybe it's just about *you*. Maybe it doesn't matter who I am, or where I'm from, maybe you just. needed to say goodbye?"
"Maybe I'm just being selfish again and *using* him to-"
But his mouth silenced her and she sighed against his tongue as it slid from her mouth. "You should get some sleep, Luv. You're exhausted."
"I don't *wanna* say goodbye," she sobbed. "I should have said thank you," she whispered as she closed her eyes.
------
Morning came and Buffy slowly came to, not wanting to open her eyes and realized he wasn't-
She could smell him though.
She still didn't open her eyes. She wasn't really sure if she wanted to open her eyes to not Spike. It hurt too much to think about her being happy to have him there, and him being somewhere else in pain.
She just kept her eyes closed, enjoying the scent of his body nearby. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Spike. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you deserved. I'm sorry I didn't I know I meant it when I told you I loved you, because I *did*. Because we could have. been happy, I think. And now. it's just. over. And I'm sorry I have to say goodbye."
She opened her eyes then, wanting to kiss him one last time but-
He wasn't there.
"Spike?" She asked, looking around the room for him before she noticed the blanket that was covering her. She sat up and started crying as she pulled his duster up around her. "God," she sobbed.
It was then that she noticed the note, on the pillow beside her.
It read: I knew.
She held the paper close to her as she cried into his duster, knowing he was truly gone.
She would forever mourn.
---------------
sorry- i'm not a big fan of the happy ending!
i'm *evil*, remember?
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